The dawn shrouded the forest and the high buildings of the Sanctuary into a faint light and soft fog as you arrived at its gates. Slowly you stretched your limps out beneath the thick blankets, shifting uncomfortably on the improvised mattress in the back of the truck. You hadn’t slept more than an hour at the most, your mind was still filled up with all the things that had happened in the past night, including your kiss with Negan, the way he had churned up fled after and especially the horror that had happened when he had come back to get his stuff. You could still hear his harsh words, the dismissive way he had acted as well as you could feel his glare still burning into you. And just the thought that you had to leave the truck in a few minutes and step out into reality let a small shiver run up and down your spine.
Slowly, you lifted yourself up, grabbed a small water bottle that had rolled beneath the bench next to you and swirled its cap off. You took a few big gulps of the cold water, trying to give your body a bit of the fluid back the tears of the past hours had drained from it before you carefully let some of it flow into the palm of your hand. With a small sigh you cleaned your face up from the tension the dried tears had left on it while you hoped that it would give your skin at least a little freshness to let you look as if you were fine and not the mess you actually were.
The sound of the squeaking gates filled the air as you left your little hide-away of the last hours completely, slipped back into your boots and shoved your jacket back over your arms just before the truck moved onto the compound. Your glance wandered to the window as you watched how you passed some of the destroyed fences and eventually got to a part of the Sanctuary that was now completely cleared from any walkers that had roamed over the ground. “We’re there”, you just heard the driver call into the truck’s back as the engines stopped. A heavy gulp traveled down your throat as you stood up, not knowing what would await you as soon as you would step out before you heard the dull sound of your own footsteps echoing through the truck.
The fresh morning air hit your skin as you stepped out of the truck while you tried to keep yourself straight on your legs that had lost most of their strength to the exhaustion and lack of sleep that was stuck in your whole body. “I’ve been ordered to get you to Negan’s apartment”, you suddenly heard a male voice say as your glance wandered quickly up to a man with a grey-streaked full beard whose blue irises darted right at you. You weren’t sure if you were glad or not that Negan wasn’t the one standing before you now but for a moment the anger boiled back up in you, simply due to the fact that he was continuing his fleeing and instead sent a babysitter to take care of you. “Alright”, you mumbled as you swallowed down the urge to growl that you knew the way very well yourself, knowing that this man hadn’t any fault in Negan’s shitty behavior. The savior gave you a quick nod as he turned around and began to guide you towards one of the entrances. From afar you could see Negan walking straight to another door, his brows puckered and the glance sternly directed to nothing but what laid in front of him. Something in you ached just by looking at him before you forced yourself to look away and found yourself back in the hallways of the Sanctuary. A strange tension laid all over the blue-eyed man you could only explain yourself with the things he had seen in the last night before you had left Alexandria. Hell, you could still see them. The blood overflowed Savior Negan had killed in full rage after this man had attacked you for helping Carl escape, his voice that had boomed loudly through the heated air and the way Lucille swung down to the man over and over again. This Savior right now couldn’t have any idea that the night had taken other ways than the way it had seemed to choose after Negan’s show of protectiveness.
A small shiver ran down your back as you began to enter more and more familiar hallways that showed how close you got to the room that was filled up with thousands of things that were related to Negan. The things you wanted to have the least around you right now. “Here we are”, you heard the man eventually say as you stood in front of the heavy wooden door before you gave him a small nod. “Thanks”, you said quietly as he looked for a short moment at you. “Anytime”, he just mumbled, scratching over his bearded cheek and grabbed the handle of the door, just to push it down and let the door open. “Gotta make sure you’re inside. Orders are orders”, he mumbled before you stepped in, a bittersweet chuckle stuck in your throat as you felt like a prisoner who had been just guarded to their cell. The door closed with a dull thud behind you as you shook your head in disbelief. So that was how Negan was gonna deal with it? Keeping you in the apartment while he did everything to not cross paths with you? Something in you asked yourself if he would come to his room as well but the thought of how he had behaved outside by the trucks quickly pushed the question back. A part of you wanted to get the uncertainty out of your body, hear an explanation for why he did what he did and the other part just didn’t want to see his face for a good while.
For moments you just stood like that in the middle of the room before you gradually made your way over to the bathroom, hoping that the water of the shower wouldn’t only wash the last bit of blood off of your body and calm the bruises your attacker had left, but also let you get your head clear. Layer for layer you shed the clothes off your body, just as you caught your reflection in the mirror. The only good thing you could see was that you really couldn’t tell that you had cried before. But you looked tired, played out, the choking bruises on your neck began to turn into different colors while the small wound on your temple was dyed into a dark red tone. You let out a huff as you let your glance wander off the mirror before you slipped into the shower and turned the water on. Within a second you felt the calming warmth rush down onto your body, a sigh leaving your lips as your aching muscles got some release and the shower began to manage to wash the thoughts out of your head. And with each moment that passed you craved more of that feeling of being at ease.
You weren’t even sure how long you stood under the shower but at some point you found yourself laying on the bed, dried and with clean clothes on, leaning into the soft pillows while you tried to blend out that everything around you seemed to scream “Negan” and instead gave your body the possibility to finally get some rest. You slowly closed your eyes, your mind and exhaustion fighting for the upper hand before the thoughts the shower had washed out began to find their ways back into your head, letting your mind swirl around Negan, your friends back home as well as Carl, Rick and your half-brother Daryl.
A knock on the door let your eyes snap open and your head snap up, while your brows puckered at its faintness as it repeated once again. This wasn’t Negan, not even Simon. You slowly sat yourself a bit more up, your glance stuck on the door as you debated with yourself if you should open it or just ignore the knocks of whoever was waiting behind it. Just as it seemed like the person was already long gone, you heard another knock, accompanied by a voice that let your blood freeze for a moment.
Your pulse pounded in your ears and the shots from moments before still sounded cruely through your head as you ran out of the house, Carl close on your heels as you stumbled down the porch and sprinted towards the sound’s source. Your eyes were searching for an answer outside, for an answer to these shots before your heart stopped as you heard Negan’s voice. “Are you people fucking kidding me?”, He roared through the air before your eyes caught his tall figure standing over a crouched, dark haired man. He had to be Robert, judging from his clothes and the messy hair cut but your focus was only laying on him for some more seconds before you glanced at Carl, who you had tried to convince that the man who was raising his bat into the air in these moments wasn’t the monster he saw in him. “Now I knew you fuckers were a pain in my ass but this-”, he pointed his bat at the kneeling man, “This is beyond fuckin’ stupid. What kinda dumb asshole thinks tryin’ to shoot my men is gonna work the fuck out.” A cool shudder ran over your back as you slowly began to get the scene in front of you, before an even colder, even icy one spread all over your body as you realized what Negan was gonna do. He was gonna make an example out of him. He was gonna punish him. But would he really? After everything that had already happened for your family and community to hate him? Would he? “Now Rob here for sure knew what was comin’ to him when he was gonna get caught! Sure, you did, huh?”, Negan called sarcastically out as he nudged Lucille’s end against the man’s shoulder. Fuck, he was gonna do it. But would he go all the way? Your heart seemed to pound its way up into your throat, taking away your ability to breath as your glance wandered from Negan to your father who was suddenly stepping into the wide circle of people that was building up around the scene. “I don’t wanna do this, fuck no I don’t. But you fuckers really don’t give me a choice. I need you to get that those fuck things are a big ass no-no. Thought we’d be finally on a path of understanding, apparently we’re not”, Negan growled, his eyes staring at the ground as he didn’t seem to notice that you were part of the circle, too caught up in his rage. “Well, then back fuckin to it.” And just like that, your heart stopped with the next scene. With the swing. With the blood. With the cracking skull. With the screams.
Your whole mind seemed to shut down as you watched Negan leaning back, saw the blood dripping from his bat and captured the dead body laying on the ground. You couldn’t stop tears from welling up in your eyes as you caught from their corners how Carl stared at what laid in front of him, how everything you had just tried to tell him was vanishing from his mind. He had been willing to talk to you like a fucking normal human being instead of treating you like a traitor as everyone else and now, fuck now there was no way this was gonna stay this way. You could only see your Dad storming from the circle before your glance wandered to Negan, blurred by the welled up tears as your eyes caught his. His face fell in the matter of seconds, the mask like mix between a grin and frown falling right off his muscles as you could see the panic growing in his eyes that rushed restlessness over his body. But before you could concentrate more on him, could see what he would do next you felt your body urging you forward out of the circle as you saw from afar how your father stormed into your home. You had to go after him. You had to. You couldn’t keep on standing here, hoping that this was just an awful nightmare. Your heart pumped against your chest as if it tried to break out of your ribcage as soon as you could feel yourself rushing over the blacktop, trembling as your mind skipped through all kind of horrifying scenarios you could imagine. Would your Dad lose control now? What if he would make an impulsive move? What if this whole shit would turn into an even bigger bloodbath? Your thoughts got cut off from nausea that began to capture your body, settling into you as the panic turned your view almost blurry while you tried to make your way up the porch, horrified with what could happen next.
Footsteps rumbled down the staircase as you stepped into the house, the door falling with a loud thud into its lock before your widened eyes caught your father stumbling down the stairs, a big sports bag in each of his hands. “Dad? What are you doing? What-?”, you choked out, your heart still beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings as he tossed the bags to the ground. “You need to make a decision”, he said, his voice swinging between utterly stern and on the edge of an emotional outburst,”I can’t do this anymore. Either you break things up with him or you’ll have to go.” “What?” Dad I-”, your voice got cut off by the growing lump in your throat as you stared with watery eyes at him while he clenched his jaw, coldness spreading over his features, freezing them with each passing second more. “If you decide for him, take them and leave the house now”, he said, exhaling thickly as you couldn’t get a single word out,”And don’t come back wailing when you finally get who he really is.” He ran a palm over his beard stubble, glancing from the bags to you as a pinch of hopefulness flared up within them. “If you decide for us, I’ll carry those bags back up and all will be fine.” “Dad, you can’t mean this”, you said, your voice thick with emotion and disbelief as the first tears threatened to roll down your cheeks ,”Dad, please don’t make me do this.” “I have to, I have to-”, he called out, anger and pain mixing in his glance as more panic rose in your body, seeping slowly but surely in each and every of your cells. “No, no you don’t”, you said, your lips trembling as you felt the first tears falling while this all felt like a horrible hallucination. “You’ve just seen what he did! Again!”, he called out, his finger shooting up as he pointed it outside, while thick pants shook his chest while more and more tears began to make its way down your skin, blurring your view and wetting your face. “And don’t tell me you love him, don’t you tell me that!”, he shouted now, the anger overcoming the pain as his face grew blood red ,”He’s a monster! And nothing, nothin else!” You stared at him, startled by his words and by the events that had happened outside just now as your whole body trembled like aspen leaf and your mind sunk into the absolute mess of emotions and thoughts. “But I do”, you choked out, staring into the eyes of your father that darkened even more with just these three words,”And I love you and Carl and Judith too, I just-” You hoped he’d say something else. You hoped he’d take those words back and let you stay. You hoped he wouldn’t make you choose. But he didn’t, he didn’t say more nor did he take anything back, he just stared panting at you. And he made you choose. He actually made you choose between him and the others, and Negan. “I can’t”, you choked quietly out, your voice paired with a whimper as you stared at the packed bags. “You have to…there’s no other way.” You couldn’t leave Negan, not even after what had happened. You could rip his head off right now for pulling such a show but you still loved him, no matter if you were cursing yourself for it in these moments. Besides, you knew what your own father had done as well, what he was capable of. He wasn’t doing it the way Negan did, but that didn’t make it any less cruel. But could you leave your family? It wasn’t even about your father, it was about your half brother and Judith as well, you couldn’t just leave them could you? But Negan- You could think over and over it again and there wouldn’t be a sane way to choose, a better way to choose. You loved both, Negan and your family, but in the end, there was only one difference that finally pushed you over the edge to make a decision. “Only because you were the one making me choose”, you heard your own voice say, almost as if it didn’t belong to you while you reached out for the bags, lifting them with a sniffling groan before you glanced a last time at your Dad. Part of you hoped he would stop it now, tell you that he was only bluffing you but instead, he didn’t say a single word. He just stared at you, cooly, still you could see him breaking beneath the the stare that broke your own heart all over again. You choked on your tears as you turned around, your shoulder slumped in by the weight of the bags and the pain that shook through your body.
The air outside hit your wetted face as you tried to lift your arm, leaning your face down to brush the tears of your face, hoping that the most people would have gone back into their houses. They had, all of them except a couple that were still huddled around the bloody corpse on the blacktop. You stumbled past them, with as much distance between you as you could manage, balancing on the side of the road while the belts of the bags cut into your hands until you could swear they were red swollen. Sniffles still left your lips as you tried to pull yourself together, catching how the gates came closer and closer, right along with the trucks and the tall figure right beside them, in the midst of his men that were swarming into the cars. You didn’t want to face them, not even face him right now but you had to, there was no other way. So you walked closer, feeling the bags growing heavier until you could feel pairs of eyes falling onto you, forcing you to look up as well. First, you met a couple unknown eye pairs, only familiar from the visits to Alexandria, then, then your glance fell on a hazel pair of eyes as you forced yourself to keep walking. “Get in the fuckin’ trucks, now”, you only heard him roar, not taking his eyes off you while the people around you began to disappear. Still, you could see his brows puckering, his lips falling a little open in confusion as soon as you stepped closer towards Negan who stood right by the entrance of his truck. “He made me choose”, was the only thing you managed to bring out, your voice more strained than you had thought. “What did you-” “What does it look like?!”, it suddenly snapped out of you, not as harsh as you intended it to be but as pain drowned as you actually felt in these moments. A big but whimpering sigh left your lips as you tried to grip the bags tighter that threatened to fall right as you caught Negan reaching towards them. “Lemme take-” “Don’t touch me”, you hissed shakily, pushing yourself past him without looking once more at him. Instead, you forced yourself further to the open door until you could step upwards, gritting your teeth as you lifted the bags one by one and finally slipped into the truck’s inside. “Fuck”, you cursed shivering as you tossed the bags down, pushing them as far as you could with your feet to the side before you felt something warm grasping your wrist and turning you around. “(Y/N)-” “Why Negan? Why did you have to put on a big fucking show?!”, it bursted out of you as soon as your eyes caught the man in front of you who let go of your wrist and instead shook his head and sighed out. “That guy shot at my fucking men.” “You could’ve punished him else! You didn’t have to bash his fucking head in front of fucking everyone! You knew what they were already thinking about us being together, you knew-”, you scoffed out, cutting yourself off as your was voice growing louder and weaker at the very same time while Negan stared at you in the dim light of the truck, his brows puckering stronger as he clenched his jaw. “I needed to do it, I don’t get fucking joy from that crap! I needed to so this shit won’t fucking happen again!”, he defended himself, while the whole reality began to hit you, urging tears back into your eyes while the desperation grew and grew within you. “You don’t get it, huh?”, you said with a trembling tone that threatened to let your voice fall apart while feeling how the lump that was growing in your throat pressed in on you,”I was just trying to tell Carl that you’re not as bad as they think, that you’re a good damn man and then you come around to prove the fucking opposite!” “I was just about to find a way to them again”, you added, sniffing as you stared to the ground not bearing to look at him as more tears filled your eyes ,”And now it’s worse than ever.” You pressed your eyes shut, damning those tears as the frustration took hold of you, turning you inside out as you shoved your shoe’s tip angrily into the wood of the truck’s floor, “I’m so fucking dumb for loving you.” It got completely silent for a moment before you heard Negan exhaling shakily, letting you glimpse sniffling up for a moment as you caught his eyes fixing on you, while your blurred view caught the pain your words had elicited whirling within them. “Well, then maybe you should’ve chosen them”, his voice was firm but it didn’t take a genius to hear the little tremble and hurt through it before his heavy footsteps sounded through the truck. Unable to think clear, nor to figure out if you should be even more angry or pay attention to the pain that sneaked up within you by the hurt in his voice you shifted on your feet, trying to still the storm in your head. “D.J.? Get your ass over here you’re driving that truck now”, you heard Negan roar outside the window as you finally got yourself from the spot you had seemed to be glued on and plop yourself onto the bench at the truck’s side. The wood creaked beneath the thin cushion as you shifted, staring onto the ground and resting your elbows on your knees while you caught from the corner of your eyes how first Negan let himself fall onto the passenger seat and then how his savior took his place in front of the steering wheel. Quickly, you concentrated your eyes onto the ground, onto the wooden panels, the creaks within them and the dirt that stuck in the crannies. You didn’t want to see the gates open and neither did you want to see you driving out of it, all you wanted right now was to tune out and dive into some other kind of world far, far away from here were everything was fine. You knew when the engine started and the truck began to roll that you’d be leaving Alexandria without knowing when you’d come back, if you could ever come back. You were leaving your home there, the home where no-one wanted you anymore, the home that wasn’t even your home anymore. Your home was the Sanctuary now, wasn’t it? The place you had only once seen from afar, had never even been inside and just knew from Negan’s stories. People do make a home, you knew this very well, but the only person who would turn the factory into a home for you was Negan, the man you’ve had a fight with just now and-
Shit, yes, that’s really what it was, shit. Pure, steaming shit that embodied your life right in these moments.
You stayed this way, with slumped shoulders, sniffling and noticing how Negan turned in his seat to check on you every once in a while. The ride was long and bumpy, the air was growing colder as the sun began to slowly move on and sink closer and closer towards the horizon while the effect it had on your body didn’t take long to set in. The exhaustion the stress had put on your shoulders already had an ugly effect on you but the coldness now slipped beneath your clothes and seeped into your skin, bringing back the shivers that had just began to become smaller. “Shit”, you scoffed quietly and almost inaudible beneath your breath, shifting over the uncomfortable becoming bench before you caught something moving in the front of the truck. You didn’t look up, still the corners of your eyes caught how Negan stood up from his seat, the wood squeaking in protest as he was moving into the back of the truck, passing you even though it felt like his glance was brushing over your figure. He was roaming around somewhere in a box in the back, huffing a little here and there while you could feel yourself growing slightly restless, asking yourself what the hell he was doing there. “There you are”, you heard Negan sigh after a couple more moments, quiet and almost as if he was talking to himself before you could hear the footsteps again, even see him from the corner of your eyes but instead of passing, he stopped in front of you, not more than a few feet parting you. “You’re freezing…”, you heard him mumble, the sternness from before gone and replaced with worry while you could finally see what he was carrying in his hands as he was letting half of it fall to spread out. A blanket, thick and warm, probably exactly meant for cold and long nights in the truck. He waited another moment, as if he was checking if you were gonna snap at him or push him away but right now, you were only waiting about what he was gonna do yet, way too exhausted to start the fight anew. ”I’m sorry…for it all”, he mumbled with a sigh, slowly coming closer as your eyes still didn’t look up at him,”And I didn’t mean to say that…” He was growing quiet for another moment before he raised the blanket a little, enough to turn it and drop it carefully around your shoulders, “I’d be a broken damn mess if you’d decided against me.” You weren’t looking up at him right away, still you could feel a little warmth arise in your body, working on you and your whirling mind that just wanted to be at peace again. “I love you and hell, I wish I could make it all right for ya…I’m trying to balance this thing too, y’know…keeping this whole thing running and giving us two-”, he stopped, sighing deeply out, waiting for seconds as if he was trying to grasp words and put them into the right sentences, “Now I get that I sucked at doing that job today and I’m damn sorry for it…never intended it to happen this way…I just…hell I struggled, hard.” You could tell he was trying his best to say what he was feeling, trying to show you his position of the things and part of you did see it bright and clear while the other was still drowning in the pain of being forced to choose. “I get that you’re mad at me, I do and hell you got all right to be pissy at me just…just know that I didn’t do all that to make it harder for us…I just wanted to do the right damn thing and face planted it into a fuckin’ pile of shit”, he said, shifting from foot to foot as the truck was driving over a bit bumpy road, “Just know that you’re my damn top priority, no matter what.” You caught him sighing, saw him fumbling on his fingers as one of his hands moved up, as if he was stroking over his beard, waiting if you would give him a response and just as you already saw him beginning to move back to the front seat, the stubbornness in you gave in to the pain. “I don’t know what to do”, you choked out as you glanced for the first time since the plopping down on this bench at him, feeling how the lump was right back in your throat as soon as his hazel eyes fixed on yours. God, you just wanted it all to be right, yes, part of you was still mad at him for what he had done back in Alexandria, while another part deep down in you knew that this had in the end just shot out the process. Besides whatever could have happened with Carl, your Dad would have exploded earlier or later. You had seen it seething in him like a volcano for the last weeks, only slowing down its fuming when the accident had happened but except for that…a bit of you had always known and feared that it would go wrong some day. And he would have made you choose, earlier or later. The stress and exhaustion was pressing in on you again, bringing the agony back and pushing you further to the edge as you saw Negan’s eyes softening in worry. “I also didn’t mean to say I’m dumb for loving y-…. I just-”, you began, unable to finish as your body finally gave in to the pressure of the lump and set the welling tears in your eyes free and elicited a sob from your already sore throat. “Oh shit, Baby…c’mere”, you heard him sigh concerned, falling down onto the bench next to you, waiting for a second to find out if you were letting him before you felt him wrapping his arms around you. You sunk into his embrace, feeling how he pulled you into his lap as more sobs and whimpers erupted your body as they brought all of the pain back up to the surface. ”I couldn’t even say goodbye to Carl and Judith, I-”, you sobbed as your head sunk into the curve of his neck, your tears quickly beginning to wet the fabric of his shirt as he pulled you closer, cradling you in his arms. “Shh..”, he hummed against your skin as he leaned his head against yours, pressing a kiss to your forehead as you caught for air between the sobs. “This is…this is exactly what I never wanted to happen”, you whimpered, feeling him exhaling deeply as you clung to his chest, memories flooding your mind of the fears you’ve had when your relationship had still been a secret. You had to lie back then, and you’d hated every second of it, but at least you had both. At least you had Negan and your family, without more hatred and agony swirling in the crack that was already between them. Now, well now everything was even more messed up than it had already been. ”I know this is all fuckin’ crappy, I know…”, he mumbled, not only worry but also guilt swinging through his voice as he nuzzled his nose into your hair, holding you a little closer while he wrapped the blanket a bit tighter around your shivering frame,”But things will get better…we’ll figure this out.” You were still sniffling and whimpering as you felt him holding you tighter, trying to calm you while more and more of the burden that had lasted on your shoulders got released and turned you into a bigger mess with each passing second. You tried to let Negan’s words work on you, you really did but you were too deeply stuck in your own sorrow to make your sobs and cries stop yet. So you only sunk deeper into his embrace, trying to concentrate on his deep voice, his warmth and his calming scent, hoping that your body and mind would give in to it earlier or later.
”We’re almost there”, you heard Negan mumble after a good while, when your breath was all calm and steady, and the shivers and sobs had stopped to erupt your body. Slowly, you were shifting your head a little out of the curve of his neck, enough so you could glance forward, straight through the large front window of the truck. It was growing dark, still you could see what was beginning to appear behind the horizon the crowns of the trees were creating. The Sanctuary, just like you remembered it from the one time you had seen it. Tall, dark and with a presence radiating from it as if it stood over each and everything. So there it was. Your new home.
Sun beams enlightened hazel eyes, letting them light up in their warm tone, enhancing each of their features and the flow of their colors as they always did around this time in the morning, when the light intensified and streamed through the metal bars on the cell’s windows. But there was a difference to those other mornings, one that still had the ability to let an ice-cold shudder run down your spine. Those eyes were just as captivating as always but at the same time the glance stuck in them displayed each moment that had happened last evening and the following night. They were still slightly reddened, the rings beneath them dark and the rest of his features still coined by the tears that had flown over them in the last night. They were dried by now, just like the blood on his forehead wound that still looked as horrific as last night, despite your tries to take care of it. Part of you still didn’t want to believe it, even though you deep down knew that everything about this was true, every single bit. And just as much as you knew this, you knew that you had to find a way to help him out of this pit of darkness he seemed to have fallen into.
A small sigh left your lips as you felt his hand cupping yours a little tighter, letting his fingers intertwine with yours a little more as you shifted closer against him. The first hard part of this morning laid behind you, the first careful attempts to talk to him properly, not just about Michonne’s conversation with him and that what had followed, but also the reason she had decided to visit him. A tiny bit of this talk seemed to have already paid off as you glanced for a moment at his breakfast that was gone by now, leaving only a few bread crumbs on the white plate beside the bed behind. It was just a tiny step, but at the same time it felt like a big and mighty one. You still weren’t sure how often he had done this to himself, how often his skull had met the cold stone and the agony just thinking about it just like the fear of triggering something in him hindered you from asking further. ”It’s almost time for your shift…you should call the guard down”, Negan mumbled with a heavy gulp, even though you could tell he was trying his best to keep his voice firm. ”I don-” ”No, you won’t stay here for me and get yourself into trouble, not gonna happen”, he cut you off, pushing the thought about staying with him that had ghosted through your head away before it could fully unfold. ”Siddiq would understand…I’m sure of that…if you feel like you need me here with you, I’ll stay”, you said, your voice soothing as you glanced at him and caught him gulping heavily as his eyes wandered over the gray cement ground. ”Still, you’d get some kinda problems for fuckin’ sure…I’ll be fine…as long as I can have you back in that bed here tonight I’ll be fine”, he said after a couple of silent moments, squeezing your hand lightly as he glanced up and forced a weak smile onto his lips. You still looked at him with doubt, feeling like you didn’t want to leave him alone right now even though his words began to push you slowly into a different direction. ”I’ll be fine, Baby”, he mumbled once again as gulped, “I…I won’t do it again.” His voice was quiet even though he tried to put firmness into it as he grasped your hand tighter and glanced for a moment at you. You wanted to say something, put all those thoughts that were swirling through your head into sentences but instead you leaned in and reached with your free hand up to cup the side of his jaw, softly caressing it before you slowly leaned in. Your forehead rested against his, careful to not hurt his wound as you closed your eyes for a moment and let your fingertips toy softly with his thick beard. You could feel him moving a little until his hot breath was brushing over your lips before they eventually captured yours, gently even though some small, needy growls still rumbled though his chest and vibrated against your skin as his warmth took you in. ”I love you..so damn much. You know that, right?”, you softly mumbled as your lips parted again, feeling like he needed to hear those words more than ever before. ”Yeah…I love you too, Sweetheart”, he rasped quietly, pulling you into his embrace until your face could bury into the curve of his neck and his arms could wrap tightly around your figure, allowing him to lean his head against yours and softly nuzzle his nose into your hair. You could feel yourself melting into his hug just as much as he melted against your body, cradling you and keeping you deeply in his embrace as you closed your eyes for a moment, knowing that you had to leave this moment of comfort, earlier or later.
The walk to the infirmary was harder than ever, feeling bad conscience poking you with each step you took even though part of you knew that there was no way Negan would have let you risk just getting an ounce of trouble for neglecting your shifts for him. Still, your thoughts were cycling around him, around the self-inflicted wound on his forehead, the horror that must still linger inside him and around the fact that he was alone again, alone with that horror. But instead of being able to get back into the cell with him and make sure his demons weren’t flaring up again, you found yourself at the end of the endless seeming path to the infirmary as you shoved your jacket off and tried to get rid of a bit of the tension right along with it. You could feel Siddiq’s eyes wandering over you, his brows furrowing slightly as you could tell that your first tries of loosing up were more than unsuccessful. ”Everything okay?”, he mumbled as he leaned himself against the kitchen counter, still eyeing you as if it would give him answers.– ”Yeah I just-”, you began, stopping as you felt your throat tightening and thoughts of last night washed up again. “Can you take a look at Negan?”, you reluctantly mumbled after a few silent seconds, feeling the fear creeping up in you again that his wound might be worse than it looked, that he could have hurt himself more than you thought. “What’s the matter?”, Siddiq asked, moving a little closer as you could already feel your body beginning to cramp by the thought of having to speak part of last night’s events out again. “He uhm-”, you said, gulping as the barrier in your head stopped you for a second from ending your sentence ,”He…he bashed his head against the wall.” The words felt like poison to your body, biting into your skin, stinging in your mouth, twisting and wrenching your heart in the worst way imaginable while a horrific mix of boiling heat and icy coldness washed over your back. “Purposely”, you added in response to the confusion on Siddiq’s face while this one word just increased the effects of its poison. “I’m not sure how often exactly,…must have been a few times, I-”, you went on, feeling your throat lightning with each words as yo twisted your hands nervously, “,..I cleaned the wound and… and I don’t think he’s got a concussion but I’m not one hundred percent sure.” You glanced at him, saw the concern that was displayed on his features before you breathed shivering out and gulped quietly. “He doesn’t know I’m asking…I just-”,you began again, the whirling up thoughts stopping you once more before Siddiq already took charge and gave you a small smile. “I’ll take a look.” “Thank you”, you breathed out, forcing a smile onto your lips as well before Siddiq sighed quietly and stepped a little closer as he ran his palm over his dark beard stubble. “How about you get a little out for a bit?”, he asked after a small pause, glancing carefully at you as if he wanted to test the waters before he rose his voice again,“Got Will at outlook B, got himself hurt when he tried to repair some loose bars…looks like he’s got a wound on his forearm but I can’t tell more just from a few words nor if he’d need to come home. But I’d need someone to take a look at it.” You pondered, sighing quietly as the thought of being this far from Negan in his current state let the restlessness inside you whirl up once more. “Think you need to calm a little down too…that could be a way”, he added onto it, seeing the doubt that was painted all over your face. You knew he was right. You knew he was but still you hesitated, wrestling with your ongoing thoughts, even though you knew just as well that Negan would want you to go and especially not stay back because of him. To be honest, if he would find out you did, it could just make his feelings and fears worse. Silent moments passed until you gulped quietly and began to slowly nod, remembering Negan’s words from this morning. You were gonna be back with him tonight, just like he said. “Yeah…”, you eventually mumbled, looking into Siddiq’s eyes as you caught him nodding slightly,”I’ll just let Negan know, just to be sure…then I’ll get on my way there.”
The car vibrated beneath you as you drove over the abandoned country roads, following the paths that were here and there vested with guidance sings that showed you the way. The med bag and a half loaded gun on the passenger seat shifted from side to side as you turned into the next road, taking care to not miss a sign and risk having to drive a detour. Gas was a rare becoming good these days, leaving only a few cars available for each community and one of them was transporting you through the forests and overgrown fields in these moments. You couldn’t fully tear your thoughts from Negan as he kept swinging through your head. You were still deeply worried, even though he had done nothing else than encourage you at your little detour to the cell before you had swung yourself into the car. You tried to keep that in mind, tried to let the small smile he had put on his lips for you calm you, just like his warm hand that had engulfed yours and squeezed it softly as he had told you to take care before rasping those three words that had as always elicited this special warmth in your depths. They had been the last ones he had told you before you had left and they still echoed through your head and acted soothing on you even though you couldn’t deny the worry that was washing up again and again, flooding your mind until you forced yourself to concentrate on your upcoming job. After all, maybe you should use Siddiqs advice and use this opportunity, earn some strength which you could help Negan with in the end as well. Hell, use even Negan’s words, even though a part of you feared that he had put on a show or even just chocked back his agony to not burden more concern onto you. This was still the man who had harmed himself last night, and the more you reminded yourself of it, the more you wanted to turn around and head back to Alexandria. But instead, the car began to softly shake as you turned into the last road on your way, the blacktop already coined by nature’s forces it was constantly exposed to, letting the car shake a little more as your eyes caught Will’s outlook and the small house beside it from afar.
Shadows danced over the ground of the cell as Negan stared to its cold cement surface, sniffling quietly as he rubbed his eyes that must be as red and swollen as a damn monkey’s ass from all the tears that had broken out of him again. He hated this shit, of course he did, even more than the damn stinging salve Siddiq had daubed onto his wound but this all was still far from how much he hated what he was doing to his girl. He was putting her through pain and he knew it. He had most certainly heard it last night, when she had thought he had fallen asleep in her arms and small but heartbreaking sobs had erupted her body. Only the memory of it shot painful venom into his veins, leaving him with an ugly but still certain feeling that he couldn’t do this anymore to her. Shit, he couldn’t see the damn tears in her pretty eyes anymore which he had forced into them, he couldn’t see the way she was losing sleep over him and woke up with more worry, he couldn’t live with the feeling that he was the reason for her pain. Maybe he didn’t have to do this much longer, the shadows that had danced over the ground belonged to two people Negan knew, one of which he had last seen on the day of the battle, who had begged and screamed for his death. She was on her way down here in those moments, he could already hear her footsteps. Maybe he was just minutes away from leaving this damn world and doing for fucking once the right thing, making the way free for (Y/N) to finally be happy without any sorrow and worry. The door creaked as it opened and the widow finally stepped in, glancing at him as if part of her couldn’t believe that she had actually reached her destination while the rest of her stared with hatred and disgust down at him. Maybe it wouldn’t take much to drive her over the edge, just some egging and provoking here and there, mention the night he took the life of her husband, the way he cracked open that man’s skull and popped out his eyeball, maybe even lie and say he enjoyed that shit. That whole crap should be enough to make her do it. Make her do it before his girl got back. She didn’t have to see this, she didn’t have to see this happening. And once it was done, when she’d find him it would hurt like hell and the thought of it wrenched him apart, but soon, when his body was already rotting in the ground and the most tears had been cried, she’d realize that he was right. He was just a burden. She was better off without him.
“Alright, that’s it…but I’ll still get you back to Alexandria”, you mumbled not more than a half hour later, fixing the last bit of his bandage as he shifted uncomfortably on the worn off chair he had plopped himself earlier on. “Really? Think that’s necessary?”, he grumbled, puckering his brows as he stared at his covered wound and huffed quietly. His blue eyes were scanning over the cloth, as he ran his hand through his dirty blonde hair that was sticking out from the multiple times he must have already done it before he glanced reluctantly back at the small house. “Yeah, that bandage is fine for the first bit but I want Siddiq to look over that…and I don’t think you should be out here with that kinda wound”, you mumbled back, pushing your used utensils back into the leather bag before glancing up at him. “Okay”, he finally said before he heft himself slowly up from the wooden chair and let out a strained groan, “Just gotta get my stuff.” “No, you gotta rest. Stay, I’ll get it for you.”
“Alright, there we go”, you mumbled as you got him into the passenger seat after placing his bag of clothes in the backseat, hearing him groan quietly as he fell onto the fabric and adjusted himself a little. “Thanks”, he said, a sharp breath falling from his lips as he shifted his arm into his lap to give it a little stabilization before you shut his door with a dull thud and moved over the driver’s side. Moments later you started the engine, letting the car zoom and shake slightly beneath you as you began to roll down the street again. “Thought you’d be much more tense”, Will said after a small while as he leaned into the backseat, fumbling on his walkie as you let your brows pucker in confusion while you turned your head and glanced a little questioning at him. “Hmm?”, you mumbled, looking back at the street as you the corners of your eyes caught him running a palm over his short dirty blonde beard stubble,“Now I didn’t think you’d be so calm with Maggie coming to Alexandria.” With that an ice-cold shudder ran down your back as your head snapped towards him, your eyes burning into him as you tried to figure out if this was real or if you had just hallucinated his voice. “What?!”, it left your lips almost without your own notice, your eyes only looking back at the road for a split second before you stared back at Will. “You don’t know? Must’ve been a half hour before you got here”, he grumbled, holding up his walkie as he cleared his throat, “Got a shitty connection out here but enough to figure out she arrived…thought you had a walkie with ya too.” “No, no I don’t I-”, your voice broke off as panic began to wash through your veins, adding onto the tension that had been lingering the whole time within you. She hadn’t been in Alexandria for all this time, she wasn’t visiting for some cookies and a nice cup of tea. She was there for Negan. Your foot began to press down onto the gas pedal, simultaneously to your up-speeding heartbeat as your brain began to visualize your deepest fears that could happen right in these moment. You shouldn’t have driven out. You shouldn’t have fucking driven out. If you hadn’t you’d be there now, you’d be there to keep her away from him. He needed you and you weren’t there to protect him. You were in this fucking fucked up car, in the middle of fucking nowhere. “(Y/N), you gotta slow the hell down”, Will mumbled nervously, shifting uneasily in the seat beside you as you shook your head and glanced for a moment at him. “She could be doing what fucking ever to him right now, I won’t slow down”, you said, half panted, your voice filled with panic you couldn’t hold back anymore. Part of you tried to keep yourself under control, the other, the one that seemed to take over right now, put terror in each and every of your cells. You knew her, you knew what she was capable of, she’d kill him if she got the chance. That’s all she ever wanted. “Will, I need you to give me your walkie”, you said, trying to grasp a clear thought before you already saw him shaking his head from the corner of your eyes. “No, forget it (Y/N), not until you go down from that damn gas pedal”, he said, trying to keep his voice firm as you let out a stressed sigh. “Alright, if you don’t hand it over, could you please ask if they know where she exactly is? Please, Will”, you said, your breath shaky as you slowed a small bit down for a moment, hoping to persuade him before he huffed slightly but finally got it up to his lips. His voice boomed through your head even though he was talking lowly, your heartbeat pounded and echoed through your head as you waited for an answer coming from the other side. But it didn’t. “Told you we got a shitty connection out here”, he grumbled as he lowered the walkie again while the fear in you seemed to fill you up until you threatened to burst. “Fuck”, you cursed, pushing the wheel slightly as your foot pressed down on the pedal again while a lump began to slowly grow in your throat. Just last night he had hurt himself and now, shit, now someone tried to do what fucking ever to him. What if you weren’t there on time. What if Michonne wouldn’t hold her back or if it wasn’t enough? You couldn’t lose him. You couldn’t lose Negan.
Your nervously sweaty becoming palms pressed against the wheel, your foot growing heavy on the pedal while the walkie began to rustle, not even full words streaming through it, only loose vowels that were as good as impossible to fully combine. “Sounds like some shit’s going down”, Will grumbled to himself, only letting you grow more uneasy as the trees rushed fast by you, letting them look like a green blurry mess beside you until you suddenly caught figures and horses with a carriage appearing at the horizon that just had to be from Alexandria. They were blocking the road as they were buzzing around the carriages, fast and as restless as your racing heart. Your car got closer and closer until you were forced to gradually slow down, especially as you began to slowly recognize them. Beneath others, there were Diane and Michonne, from afar it looked like you could even see Carol and then, then you saw someone else. Maggie. Your heart skipped a beat as you skimmed over her, catching the crowbar in her hand that let a whole different nausea wash over your body. She was coming back from Alexandria, she was with Michonne…so had she been at his cell? Had she hurt him? Had she- Before you could grasp another thought the panic of losing Negan took over your mind, mixing the most terrible emotions within you and letting you feel like you blacked out for a moment as your senses only perceived their figures shortly before you, the stopping car beneath you, the sharp sound of the car’s door as you crashed it back into its frame and the way your feet hit the blacktop. Eyes were fixed on you, on your in panic and anger trembling body, on your eyes that had already become watery, on the heavy breaths that let your chest rise and fall rapidly. Your glance wandered over the crowbar, over its clean surface that didn’t let one ounce of relief run through you. That didn’t mean shit, especially not to a mind as full of panic as yours. Every single emotion rushing through you just got worse with each step as one special pair of eyes were fixed on you as you stomped towards them, focusing on you and wandering in a glare over your face. For the first time after one and a half year. “What the hell did you do to him?!”, it blustered out of you, half angrily panting, half with your voice threatening to break at the end of the question while your whole body formed into an agony mess, fearing whatever the answer may be. Maggie’s glance narrowed some more as you stood before her, her lips pursed in an angered manner before the sound of her voice let every cell in you shudder.
“Nothing”, she snarled, the tone in her voice cold as this one word echoed through your head and couldn’t decide if it should elicit confusion or relief, ”Wanted to kill him but you know what? He’s already so much worse than dead.” She huffed, her face pulling a thicker frown onto it as she stepped closer to your suddenly frozen self and clenched her jaw tensely before a tinge of satisfaction spread over her features. “He begged me to kill him. Let that sink in, (Y/N). He begged me crying and sobbing on his damn knees to kill him.” No. No, that couldn’t be true. She was just messing with you, right? Just trying to drive you wild to hurt you. But her voice sounded genuine, that painfully genuine that part of you tried to avoid seeing it, even though her eyes spoke the same language. What she was saying was the truth…and after knowing what had happened last night, after knowing how fragile he was at the moment…even this one part in you that tried to deny it lost its fight. “He wanted me to do it because he couldn’t”, she growled, the hint of satisfaction still painted on her face as you first recognized the single tears that had begun to roll down your cheeks, along your features that were still frozen in shock and pain. “He’s so pathetic and weak he couldn’t-” Her voice still echoed through your ears as she got cut off by the sound of nearby shots and louder becoming growls of the dead, before a mess of voices and information prattled in on you within just a couple of moments, visualizing a horrifying picture even though its mass only let you catch pieces of its puzzle. Diane panted about a shootout at the camp between some Saviors and the departing Kingdomers with consequences that ended bloodily, with deaths especially on the latter side. Daryl who you hadn’t even recognized till now was running closer, with eyes searching panicking over the forest, growling over splitting up with Rick so he could lead the herd further away from the communities and the bridge, all while the disturbing loudness of a mass of undead growls and the closeness of the bridge didn’t bode well. Something had went wrong. Horribly wrong. The fast footsteps of Michonne and the rest of the group boomed over the earthy ground, seemingly letting it quake every second as they ran. And you ran with them. You were torn. Completely and utterly torn. Back in Alexandria was Negan, your mind was rushing around him, visualizing what must have happened between him and Maggie while each more moment your mind made up hurt you more. He wanted to die. Negan wanted to die. The man you were loving had begged someone to kill him. You couldn’t wrap your head around it while your body was far ahead of it. It was wrenching in agony, similar but still different to the pain you had felt under that tree on the hill, with his blood sticking to your fingers as he threatened to bleed to death. Still, your feet were running. Scared about what might happen at the bridge that could change everything while you knew at the same time that there was no way you could return now to Alexandria. Part of you wanted to split up, split into two, get one part of yourself to Negan while letting the other one run towards the bridge. The decision was made for you as your eyes caught the bridge, caught a mass of dead bodies stumbling over it while its end within the trees couldn’t be seen, while your hand instantly and driven by your instincts reached to your gun holster, lacing your fingers around it, ready to use it if you had to. “What was that?”, Carol shouted through the growls as another shot filled the air before your eyes ran over the bridge that filled more and more with walkers that had a very certain goal in their eyes. “It’s Rick”, another voice shouted as you caught him near the end of the bridge on the other side of the river, pressing his hand onto his side that was soaked in dark red blood while his hand with the revolver was still high up, darting at the walkers in front of him until his glance fell for a moment on the group of people by the river’s side. Shock rushed through your veins as you stared at him, catching how Daryl’s figure showed up beside you while your fingers still rested around your gun that tingled from the stress that seemed to multiply with each passing seconds. “Move north, break up the rest.
Bring some guns!”, you heard Maggie shout, footsteps echoing over the ground as more people rushed towards the river. Instead of following her lead like the others behind you your glance stayed fixed on your friend on the bridge as you saw him glancing down at you and Daryl, confusion and shock spread over his face as you could see him puckering his brows softly in concern as he shook his head and moved his blood covered hand as if he wanted to stop you all, as if he wanted to signal that it was okay this way. From the corner of your eye you could catch the others running through the woods closer towards the bridge while your glance stayed focused on Rick and the walkers that stumbled closer, stretching their arms toward his figure as only meters parted them. For a second you got dragged out of the trance this whole situation had thrown you in as Daryl threw his crossbow from his shoulder, grabbed a bolt and cocked it into its bowstring before rushing back to let it shoot towards the closest Walker to Rick, almost tearing the rotting head apart as it hit its target. Your eyes stayed fixed to your half-brother as your fingers finally pulled the gun out of its holster, your glance meeting his as he pushed in another bolt. For the first time since he knew of what you had with Negan, you seemed to have a little bit of the old connectedness back as neither of you needed words to know what you were going to do. Together. Your hand grasped the gun tightly as you rose it up, darting at the walkers before Rick as you pulled the trigger, releasing bullets that brought down walkers as much as Daryl’s bolts did. Rick glancing back and worth between the both of you and the walkers, bending as he had to give in to the pain his wound was forcing up in him while his eyes got fixed on something within the dead for moments. Slowly, he glanced a last time at the both of you as you reached the end of your weapons’ capabilities, gulping softly as he nodded grateful towards you while he rose his colt, his arm shaking threateningly as his blood began to cover the silver surface of his gun before his finger moved to the trigger. And he pulled it.
For a moment, the world seemed to stop spinning as the bridge turned into a giant fireball, enlightening the air as its heat hit your skin and brought your blood to boil. Rick had blown himself up. He had blown himself and the bridge up to save all of you. The realization of who you had just lost began to kick in as your lips began to tremble and tears began to slowly fill your eyes, blurring your view of the burning walkers that began to fall down the remains of the bridge into the wild water of the bridge that was as effervesced as the feelings that were streaming through your body. “No”, left your quivering lips as this day turned more and more into a living nightmare. Your glance was fixed to the burning bridge that began to be covered in thick, black smoke that rose up onto the sky until the corners of your eyes caught Daryl’s head sinking in pain and utter grief. Your head turned towards him as you felt your throat tightening while the first tears began to roll down your cheeks, catching his shoulders beginning to shake as he spun his body slowly away from the place that had become the death of his best friend. You wanted to say something but instead his teary glance only met yours for the matter of seconds, filled with a pain that you had seen rarely in his eyes before he sniffled as turned once for all away, grabbing his crossbow tightly as he made his way into the woods, slumped in like a wounded animal with nowhere to go instead of away. Away of the bridge. Away of the one place that had been supposed to be part of the future Carl had wished for. Away from the place that had turned out to be the opposite. Rick was gone and you still couldn’t believe it, couldn’t fully grasp it as your mind rushed through the years you had known him, from the moment he had shown up at the campsite to this very last moment on the bridge, leaving you with a feeling of grief you had hoped to never feel again. Still, you did. Rick Grimes was dead.
You couldn’t remember much of the way back, it was like a cloth torn apart my moths, leaving blank spaces that couldn’t get filled. All you recognized was your heavy foot on the gas pedal, the trees rushing past you, mixing into a mess of green and brownish spots until you caught Alexandria’s gates. From then on, cries and murmurs mixed with one another, your eyes caught Michonne as she parted herself from Carol, still crying and whimpering as she vanished alone in her home to sink into her deep cut grief, Alexandria’s residents stood either in shock by another or cried silently, all while you stumbled panicking towards the brownstones. You had just lost a close friend and you still couldn’t grasp it, couldn’t realize it. All you knew was only that you couldn’t lose Negan as well. Agony was dominating your body as you got closer to the tall houses, fearing that he might have harmed himself again or worse. With every damn time someone hurts themselves, their dread towards it sinks, with every damn time someone hurts themselves, their ability to take a step further becomes more likely. What if Negan had reached that point already? What if you would step down those stairs and see him there, dark red blood trickling down his skin and staring with dead eyes at you that had just this morning looked with deep running love at you? What if you had already lost him but just didn’t know it yet? What if? You fought against those thoughts, tried to keep the little flame of hope up in you as you reached the houses and found yourself rushing down the stairs, trembling and afraid of what was to come. Your panicking glance bounced around the room like a pair of table tennis balls, searching for his figure as soon as you reached the end of the stairs before you did. Slumped in he sat on is bed. Alive. Still, your eyes scanned over him, searching for wounds but all you could catch was the injury of last night and the empty yet hurt expression that was spread all over his face, up until the moment his eyes met yours.
The moments between this once glance and the time that passed until the guard had opened the door and let you slip inside had been as torn apart as the time you had spent in the car back home. Almost as if it hadn’t happened. Still, you stood in front of him now, trying to make him look at you as he gulped and glanced at you, his eyes swollen and red from the crying even though an odd expression laid over his face, as if he was pretending that nothing of what you had heard had happened. “What’s happening outside? Sounds like one hell of a mess”, he asked, obviously trying to bring up as much firmness as his sobs dreaded voice could, forming into words what his facial expression had already told you. He was trying to be strong for you right now, you could see it right there and then in front of you as the man you loved tried to keep the threateningly rickety scaffold he was upright for you. You couldn’t lie to him now, not even withhold it. Not now that he knew something was going on, not in these circumstances. In the end, it would just make it worse, besides the fact that you were by far not emotionally stable enough in these challenging moments to decide completely rationally. “Rick’s dead”, it blustered out of you, the words seeming so impossible as you spoke them out, as if it wasn’t real, almost, as if you were telling a lie. “What?!”
Painful stings pelted onto your body as you brought as short as you could out what had happened at the bridge, unable to go in detail as your body feared more agony that only waited for its moment to sneak up. The words left your lips almost as if they didn’t belong to you, they just flew out as your eyes stayed fixed to Negan’s face, each muscle that twitched, each dried tear on his skin. Tears clouded your eyes as he reached out to you, pulling you trembling closer until he could wrap his shaking arms around you, trying to comfort you even at his lowest. His touch was soothing as you gave in to it and its caresses for a couple of moments, before you had to tear yourself from him as you got to the part that you feared the most, the part you had to tell him even though your whole body twisted even only thinking about it.
“Negan,…Maggie was there too”, you mumbled, indirectly revealing your knowledge to him as your voice was breaking in the end while his face fell in the matter of seconds, breaking the thin shield of calmness he had put on for you before it twisted in agony, wrenching you apart as you caught tears beginning to force their way into his eyes, unable to be held back anymore, as his shoulders slumped in like the ones of a hurt animal. “I…I’m sorry”, he whimpered, his head lowering as the sob shook through him, shooting painful stings through your veins as you stared at him in pain. “I should be dead…I have to be dead”, he mumbled, turning slowly away from you as your throat tightened again, his tears and words forcing a thick lump into your throat. “No”, it broke out of you with as much force and strength as you could bring up before his tearful eyes glanced for the matter of a second up before they stared back to the ground as a shudder let his shoulders shake. “’Cause…’cause I’m just a fuckin’ burden, you’d be better off without me.” “No, no Negan I wouldn’t-” “You should go…”, he mumbled shakily, “Maybe if I try that crap again I’ll get it done myself.” The pain that got elicited by those words was indescribable, mimicking knives that dug into your body and turned and twisted until you were an agony filled mess, with more tears filling your eyes and a shock running through you that let your lips gap open but didn’t allow to let words flow out of it at first. “Negan, stop saying that”, you finally said, your voice hitching through the tears that began to choke you ,”And I won’t leave you.” “You should be able to mourn now,…you should be able to lean all the fuckin way onto me and not have to fucking worry even fuckin’ more”, he said, his voice as broken as the man in front of you before he shook his head as more tears rolled down his cheeks and got entangled in his thick beard. “Heard you crying last night…when you thought I was sleeping”, he brought out, adding more shock to the agony whirling through your body as you tried to step closer to him before his weak voice echoed off the cold walls once more, “You shouldn’t suffer because of me…you-…you deserve to be happy and I can’t give you that.” “That’s not true”, you chocked out, reaching towards his shaking hand until you could softly grasp it,”Negan, you make me happy.” “No, no, all I do is make you worry-” “I worry because I love you. That’s part of the deal…you’d worry about me too”, you said, your voice coined by the thick lump in your throat as you carefully moved closer until you could reach up and softly place your hand on his neck while the other still grasped his fingers , “If you love someone you worry about them when they’re not feeling well..but that doesn’t mean they don’t make you happy.” A shivering breath fell from your lips as you couldn’t prevent the most urging tears to make their way down your cheeks, letting you sniffle quietly as you tried to keep the rest of you as much under control as you could. “And I think in some way you know that…”,you gulped, trying to catch his glance as your fingertips caressed over the trembling skin of his neck ,”All this shit here is just fucking with your head.” Negan’s face wrenched in pain as you glanced through tears clouded eyes at him, feeling him shaking beneath you as it broke completely out of him, sobs rumbling through his chest as you tried to push yourself out of the shock that froze your bones. Negan began to slump in even more, trembling like an aspen leaf as your hand left his and instead allowed you to wrap your arms around him, pull him into your own shaking embrace until his head sunk into the curve of your neck and his quivering arms slung around your body. His hot tears and his panting breath hit your skin as you dandled him back and forth in your arms, your hand caressing through his dark hair as more tears ran down your cheeks as you somehow tried to comfort the broken man in your arms. “I can’t lose you”, it broke whimpering out of you, pulling him deeper into your embrace as you cradled him, closing your eyes as you leaned your head against his, nuzzling your nose into his hair as he slowly tightened his arms around you as well.
The sun was already going down when you found yourself sitting on the side of the bed, still holding him as he leaned against your side, sniffling as his face stayed buried in the curve of your neck and his shaking breath hit your skin. Your fingers ran through his hair, drawing slow circles as your lips pressed to his temple, softly and careful as you tried to keep more tears from coming up again. “I need you here with me, Negan”, you quietly mumbled as you held him closer, feeling how the lump began to press in on your throat again no matter how much you tried to fight it, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Negan shifted closer, his arms still trembling as he slung them a little more around your waist as you tried to keep your voice from breaking. “I don’t know how to get through those nights with the nightmares, I don’t know how to live without you, I-”, you said, feeling how your voice broke either way before you felt him slowly beginning to lift his head from your shoulder until he could glance at you. His eyes were still swollen from the tears, his lips still trembling as you reached up, cupping his jaw as you caressed your fingers along his beard, chocking back more tears as you caught his glance and breathed softly out, “Negan, you’re my everything.” His face relaxed a little by your words while your thumb gently stroke over his cheek, wiping away the last tears as you quietly gulped. “If I could, I’d take all that damn pain from you onto me…I really would but I can’t…”, you mumbled as his still clouded hazel eyes ran over your face, “I can’t just fix everything but I…I can help you through it…but you have to want it…” He swallowed thickly, his eyes wandering for a moment to the ground before they met yours again as a quivering breath fell from his lips. “I want it…I just don’t wanna-”, he stopped, unable to put the rest into words even though you could figure it out yourself. “I love you”, he brought out, his voice thick with emotion as you softly nodded and began to lean in, trying to grasp some hope even though you still knew how fragile he was. “I love you too”, you mumbled back just before your lips softly captures his, feeling him melting into your touch the moment you met while he held you a little closer than before. It was just a short, sweet kiss, but still it seemed to bring a little comfort into both of your bodies before your lips parted again but his face remained close to yours. “Let’s lay down, alright?”, you carefully asked after a couple of moments, trying to shift this whole situation a little before you could feel him slightly nod.
You slowly moved back into the pillows, letting him move against your side as you pulled him back into your embrace, into the very same position as you had already laid in last night. Slowly you moved in to nuzzle your nose into his hair while your fingertips caressed over his arm, slowly tracing up and down the prison’s suit fabric as you slowly began to feel him relax a little. “Everything will get better, Negan”, you mumbled, moving your hand slowly up to brush over his beard, caressing it softly as you heard the first peaceful sound leaving his lips since you got back. You tried to grasp it, let it give you some more strength even though there was still an unbelievable amount of distress lingering within you. Still, you tried to push it away for a moment and take a breath, to focus on helping the man in your arms. “And you know what? As soon as things have calmed down, I will try to find Lucille…maybe she’s even still here…and I’ll try to figure things out, maybe we can make this all a bit better…get you out of here just for an hour or so to work or maybe just get some things inside here…but it will get better, okay?”, you mumbled as your fingers ran along his jaw before you pressed another small kiss to his forehead. You could still hear the mess that was happening outside stream inside the cell through the windows, hear the grief the people outside were experiencing which was lingering in you as well, only pushed back by the mission to take care of Negan even though you knew it would break through earlier or later. But next to all this pain and stress, as you finally heard him say “okay” quietly back, a part of you eased a little. You knew this wasn’t it with this one word, by far not. The rockiest of the roads you already had to overcome as a couple laid in front of you now, densely cluttered with large and sharp rocks that were ready to turn this path into a harsh and merciless test. Still, you refused to let the hope in you vanish. You were going to do everything in your might to help Negan through this, stand by his side along this rocky road until and beyond he would reach its end. No matter if it would take weeks, months or even years…
Summary: After the fight, both, Negan and the Reader go through their personal hells. And while Negan is locked up in his cell, with his hopes for her returnshrinking with each passing day, the reader fights a battle with herself until she encounters an unexpected helper.
This part is written alternating between both POVs and we finally got a bunch of appearances of the other characters again!
There he sat, completely quiet, with his eyes staring into the emptiness of the dark cell while the thoughts in his head were too loud to understand or even grasp any of them. His knuckles were swollen, dark red blood shimmering on the thin skin, evidence of the times he had punched his fists against the cold, hard stone. It hadn’t helped him to let out any of the frustration, anger, regret and disappointment that was filling his body all the way to the stop, it had just given him another pain adding to the one boiling within him. It hadn’t been many, maybe two or three punches and by the second one he had already slumped against the wall, recognizing what had happened, what he had done, what he might have lost. Hot tears had burned in his eyes waiting for their release, pants had left his lips along with growling curses that weren’t nearly able to express the mess that was going kamikaze in his mind. And now, fuck now he was sitting slumped in on the cheap bed like some sorry fuck, his elbows digging into his thighs as his hands were buried in his hair, his eyes staring at the cement ground, burning from the tears that had found their way earlier or later out of them, falling down his cheeks only to leave an uneasy and drying tension on his heated skin. Last night around this time, she had laid in his arms, cuddled up to his side with her head resting on his chest, contently and steadily breathing in her peaceful sleep. He had guessed these nights would be counted, but little had he known that it would be the last one. He had fucked it up. Again. Big fucking time.
The first sun streams were beginning to fall into the room as your eyes slowly fluttered open, battered from the tears you had shed before falling exhaustedly asleep. For the first seconds, you found yourself irritated, wondering why you were laying sprawled out on the bed in your old room instead of huddled up in Negan’s arms before your mind began to replay the events of the last night step by step, letting you live right through it again. Negan’s burning jealousy of the guy you saw nothing else in than a friend, the way he had already looked at him as he had done his job as new guard and brought you down to the cell, the suspense that had radiated through him just a while later, his loud, booming filled voice that was filled with anger and desperation, the accusation that you would leave him just like that earlier or later anyway for someone else outside, simply because he was stuck in this dark, cold cell. A shiver ran through your body as soon as you found yourself shifting over the sheets, feeling how the clothes of the last day dug into your skin and reminded you even more of the fact that everything seemed to have changed. For moments you just felt empty, completely and entirely empty, as if anything that had happened had just been a nightmare. But it hadn’t, if it had, you’d find yourself in Negan’s arms right now, feel him kissing and cradling you, soothing you until you could fall asleep again instead of staying wide awake and alone in this large bed. A weird mix of madness and pain was beginning to sneak up within you again, creating too many thoughts for you to process. A tight breath left your lips as you pressed yourself into the soft pillows, suddenly tensing up as you heard Rick and Michonne’s voices echoing dully through the house, reminding you in the worst way possible that there was more for you to come. They would notice that you had slept here instead of the cell. They would ask questions. They would know. And you would have to go out there, continue your shifts at the infirmary as if nothing had happened, while all you wanted to actually do was bury your head under the sheets, press it into the pillows and never get out of them again or at least until every of your problems had magically vanished.
Quiet curses left your lips as you pushed yourself up into the pillows against the headboard, hearing how their voices got more distant, letting you hope for a second that they would leave the house. But just moments later this little hope got destroyed as you heard the cabinets in the kitchen cluttering, heard their voices continuing and heard one of them still strolling through the house. Of course, they weren’t leaving yet, it was way too early, too early for them to leave, too early for the little time window you spent each morning in this house to happen, including getting ready for the day after spending the night at the cell. So you couldn’t even pretend to have simply arrived earlier, not even after you felt yourself weighing out any possible explanation. Your eyes darted at the small digital clock on the nightstand, trying to find out how much longer you could push it until you would have to do something if you didn’t want to be late for your shift and make everything even worse.
It took a few more minutes for you to lay in the bed, filling up with more thoughts and emotions with each moment until you got yourself to heft your still exhausted body up, make it walk until you could shed your clothes to get yourself under the shower. It often helped washing a bit of stress off of you but all it did this time was setting you for moments into a dull trance, staring at the water and soap that were going in a little tornado down the drain. You could feel the stream flowing down your skin, feel the drops hitting the back of your head as hard as the thoughts in your head seemed to pound against your skull. It was odd how weirdly opposite emotions were able to mix. The anger within you, paired with the disappointment about the things he had said, while on the other side your whole body and mind missed him deeply. Around that time of the day, you’d usually still be laying in his arms after just waking up, feeling him drowsily mumbling his good mornings to you before pulling you once more closer into his embrace until he could brush his lips over your temple, kiss you and let you slowly start the day with him. Yesterday, you had figured that at least after the first bumper caused by the guard change things would get back to normal, but little had you known that this had just been the beginning. But that didn’t mean you would never have these mornings again, right? After you would get those things out of the world, they’d come back…right? If you would get those things out of the world. But what if not?
A sharp, cutting breath fell from your lips as you caught an ice-cold shudder running down your spine by the thought, letting you recognize just now that tears had shot into your eyes, burning for their release. “Fuck”, you scoffed, brushing the tears that were threatening to fall down your cheeks from your skin before you moved around to turn the shower off, frustrated that this had turned into the opposite of what you had hoped it would be. Forcing yourself to suppress your up boiling emotions and thoughts for at least a small while you grabbed the towel, breathed deeply through and stepped out the shower.
You were pushing it, pushing the time, pushing yourself until you found yourself finally standing in front of the door, with the handle in your hand, still not knowing what the hell you should tell them if they asked questions even though you had racked your brain for the last while over it. The creaking of the opening door eventually echoed horribly through your head as you made your way out of the room, hearing their voices somewhere downstairs while more shivering and tight breaths left your lips. The stairs grid beneath your shoe soles as you made your ways down, growing more tense with each step until you finally got into the hallway, hoping that the both of them were busy making breakfast in the kitchen, maybe not even noticing you. And you kept hoping this until the moment you suddenly saw a shadow spreading over the floorboards that were enlightened by the bright morning light, right before Rick stepped into the hallway, his hand holding a mug of coffee while he glanced still a little drowsy, but mostly confused at you.
“Morning”, you said, trying to let your voice sound as relaxed as possible while you could already feel Rick’s glance wandering skeptically over your face. “Morning…you’re here? Didn’t hear you coming in earlier”, he asked, taking a sip of his coffee while his glance didn’t leave your face as you could already feel more suspense and helplessness washing up in your body. “Yeah…I uh…I came in-”, the last words got stuck in your throat, realizing that even trying to lie would just make it all worse. And so you stood there, shifting uneasily from side to side, before you pushed yourself to say something. “I…well, I slept here last night…that’s why you didn’t hear me…I came in late”, you mumbled, feeling how your words got more quiet with each sentence while your glance escaped Rick’s and instead switched uneasily through the room. Seconds of almost unbearable and tension filled silence passed until you finally heard his boots shifting only a few inches over the wooden ground and eventually felt how his voice lead your glance back to his still slightly confused face. “Something happened? You-”, with that Rick cut himself off, the last word falling into the sound of a question as he gestured only slightly at you, seeming almost as helpless as you yourself. Each of those seconds were awkward as hell, and while Rick was one of the last people you wanted to discuss any problem regarding Negan and your relationship with, you were about 100% sure that he wasn’t wild to hear about your love life with his old enemy as well. But still, you had to answer this question. In some kinda fucking way. “I…we had-”, you stopped, swallowing hard as you inwardly cursed yourself for acting like a helpless lamb, “We had a fight,…that’s why.” Your voice was mumbled, uncomfortable to speak something negative out about the relationship as good as anybody you knew wanted to see fail, regardless of the fact that Rick was tolerating you by now. Your glance was only gradually falling back on Rick, testing his reaction as he only slowly began to nod, a wave of thoughts visibly washing through his head. “I guess I’ll go over to the infirmary, my shift starts in a bit”, you said, trying to get out of the uncomfortable tension while you could see the questions literally rattling through Rick’s brain, even though you could tell that he didn’t want to ask any of them, at least yet.
With a stressed breath falling from your lips you finally made your way out of the house, knowing that one question, when or if you would go back and spend the nights at the cell again, would come up at some point. You were like stuck in a bubble on your way to the infirmary, only half catching anything of what happened around you until the sound of the infirmary’s front door falling into its lock forced you to jump back into reality. Tossing your jacket over the backrest of one of the chairs you could feel yourself trying to suppress any new thoughts that wanted to push themselves through your skull and into your mind so you could focus on the work that was laying in front of you. Everything else seemed to fall apart, now that things at the infirmary had just yesterday seemed to get better after that one horrible day, you couldn’t get right back to it. You couldn’t fuck this up too.
Easier said than done.
Throughout the countless seeming hours you could feel your concentration trying to sneak away from you by any chance, trying to give thoughts about Negan and your fight a loophole to slip right back in. You were fighting it, were trying to be focused whenever anyone with complaints came in, tried to let the things Siddiq had taught you guide you, and for a while it worked and you could act like everything was fine. Until the moments in between came, when the whole house seemed quiet, when only the voices of the people outside sounded dully and almost inaudible through the walls, when you were completely alone. Alone with those damn thoughts. With all those questions that just piled up more and more. Asking yourself for the reasons. Asking if he actually thought those things about you. Asking if he simply fear made him think so. Asking if maybe your own behavior was the reason for Negan’s outlash. Hell, weren’t you showing him enough what he meant to you? Weren’t you loving enough? Were you giving him the feeling of just being something temporary even though you didn’t mean to? Were you- Fuck, this was eating you up, more and more thoughts and questions burned into your head, leaving a mark of pain as you tried to tame their flames and get them away from you. There could be thousands of reasons based on you, based on Negan himself or based on what the hell ever and you knew whatever it actually was, you wouldn’t find out for sure unless you would go back.
A shivering breath fell from your lips as you found yourself standing pondering in front of the counter’s drawers, slowly drifting out of your thoughts and glancing down at the bandages you had planned to sort in before the terror in your mind had taken you hostage again. “Fuck”, you just quietly exhaled, grabbing and rather tossing than laying one of the white bundles into the drawer before the creaking of the opening front door made your eyes shoot up. Within seconds they caught a blonde thatch and glaucous eyes that glanced at you, belonging to the very person who was intertwined in the mess of the last night. “Hey”, you just breathed out, a little surprised by his sudden visit as your eyes wandered over his face while he began to press a small smile into the corner’s of his lips. “Hey, just wanted to see how you’re doing”, Caleb said, stepping inside the room and closing the door with a small thud behind himself without breaking eye contact once, as if he wanted to check if you were about to tell him the truth or not. “At least better than last night”, you said, with a weak chuckle, trying to not poke too much into your boiling feelings, nor lie, simply because you knew he would notice. “Don’t you have a guard shift now?”, you asked trying to push a small smile on your lips, your fingers fumbling on one of the bandages and its soft fabric while you tried to not let any of those feeling or thoughts boil over again. “Nah, Miles got his one, I got a break till this evening…really need to catch up on some sleep later”, he said, trying to let a loosening chuckle fall from his lips as he walked a little closer until he leaned not more than a meter away from you against the wood of the counter, gulping as his eyes ran once more over your face. “As I said last night…you deserve better than that”, he eventually brought out, almost cautious as you turned your glance away from him and down to the bandage, feeling how you grew more tense with each of his words and with each you got closer to this conversation you really didn’t want to have. “(Y/N), he’s-”, he began, stopping as he saw your reluctancy before you let out a small breath and glanced back at him, seeing him clenching his jaw, almost as if he was growing more tense too. It took a few silent seconds until you could visibly see this tension being written all over his face before he huffed and glanced back at you. “Listen I don’t wanna make it harder for you, I just…I’m sorry for having to tell you that but some rose-colored glasses can sometimes blind people…he’s a monster and he’s not gonna change.” With those words slipping out of the mouth of the else so kind man a frown spread over your face, letting the blood in your veins freeze and the muscles in your face fall into rigidity. “He’s no monster”, it slipped out of your tense lips, feeling how you clenched your jaw and felt your body growing into a bigger mess. Fight or not, this wasn’t something you were gonna let anyone say about him.
You could sense Caleb growing more restless next to you as you broke of the eye contact and searched for unsuccessful help in this damn bandage again before your glance wandered back up to him, feeling how words pressed into your throat, urging to get out. “Weren’t you the one who told me that everyone deserves a second chance?”, even though your voice was tense, it was oddly calm, almost disappointed by the young man you saw in front of yourself, someone you had till now and last night seen as nothing but kind and open minded. “Almost everyone. His lieutenants, his people, the workers, yeah, they do too…but not people like him.” With each words that flew out of his mouth it just got worse, the temperature in your body seemed to sink even lower as you let out a shivering breath. “You don’t even know him”, it slipped out of your lips, hearing yourself sound like a dumb and naive little school girl, trying to convince her parents that her new crush wasn’t as much of a bad influence as he seemed to be to them. “I know enough to be sure”, Caleb mumbled a little too fast in response, his voice still calm while something odd, even urging swung within it.
“Then why did I deserve a second chance? Each one of us?”, you said after suspense filled moments of silence, glancing right into his eyes while your voice grew colder, “I’ve killed too, I’ve done things I don’t even wanna think about.” With that, some kind of switch seemed to go off in the blonde man in front of you, letting a deeper frown spread over his face while you could see the same stern glance you had seen last night in his eyes spreading out in them again. “He’s killed people with a baseball bat, he’s burned people’s faces as punishment, he put people in tiny cells, he let others work for him after killing one or more of their friends…he’s killed your friends- in front of you”, his voice grew restless, more desperate than stern by the time he finished, as if he his urge was to persuade you while you could feel your emotions boiling up, shutting out the fight and the anger you still had about Negan’s behavior and letting instead the protectiveness take its place, for now. “Do you know what Rick has done? He’s tortured men and killed even more without batting an eye. I’ve seen him rip a guy’s throat with his own teeth. This place-”, you said, feeling your breath grow quicker as you gestured with a small swift of your hand around,” He wanted to take it at the beginning, he wanted to push his sights onto people and if they wouldn’t accept them he planned to just slash their throats and take over.” For a moment, maybe not more than a second you paused, trying to get your emotions at least a little under control before the next words pressed out of your lips. “But he didn’t ‘cause he had people around him telling him what kinda shit he was about to do. Negan didn’t. He was alone from square one, he-”, your voice stopped abruptly as you found yourself falling into an endless lope of having to justify yourself and your relationship, over and over again since people knew what you had with Negan. A scoff feel from your lips, quiet, but still loud enough for Caleb to hear as you turned completely to the drawer and grabbed the bandage that had been your provisory stress ball for the last moments. “Why am I even doing this?”, you mumbled almost inaudible to yourself, already mad about yourself for feeling like you had to justify each and everything. “’Cause you’re madly in love with him”, you heard Caleb mumble after moments of silence, his voice low, restless and if you weren’t completely wrong, disappointed, “You’re still defending him.” You gulped as you felt his eyes darting at you, staying like glued on you until you slowly glanced up again and saw into his tension filled face. “That’s usually something real fine…”, he mumbled, letting out a small humorless chuckle before his eyes grew just a tiny bit softer as they captured yours ,”Just don’t want you to get all hurt when you really go back.” You just looked at him, unsure what to think, unsure how to estimate Caleb anymore before he let out a small sigh and softly pushed himself away from the wooden counter. “Think about it…sorry, for rilling you all up, wasn’t my intention. Actually that was the opposite of what I wanted to do…”, he said, the remorse audible in his voice while you knew that this was true, just as much as you knew that he had meant those things anyway. “Either way…I’ll see you around. If there’s anything…you know where to find me”, he finally said as you still hadn’t gotten yourself to answer just anything, ending up to just nod while a thick gulp travelled down your throat, uncertainty daubing your face before you glanced one last time at him before he looked away and eventually shut the door behind himself.
Alone again you felt yourself falling into a bubble once more, trying to fight off the terror your mind was throwing consistently at you and mixing with Caleb’s confusing behavior. And while you stayed in this bubble, it got more and more clear to you that you couldn’t go back to the cell this evening. You just weren’t ready for whatever the hell might wait for you and your future. And you didn’t come to this decision with ease. Your head was filled up with a deadly storm, nothing else and you knew that you had to still this storm before you walked back into the brownstones, if not completely, then at least as much as you could. So you stayed as long at the infirmary as you could, eating your dinner there in loneliness and hoping that Rick and Michonne would be already sleeping when you’d come back into the house. The awkwardness about the talk of this morning was still lingering in the back of your head and you weren’t ready to answer any of the questions they might have while you hadn’t an answer for them yourself. You didn’t know when you’d go back. You didn’t know what exactly was going on in Negan’s head. You didn’t know what would happen if you would talk to him. If you were honest, you didn’t know a fucking thing. And so the same procedure happened again. The night gave you as good as no sleep, instead letting you roll around over the sheets, toss your body into the mattress and the countless pillows for god knows how many times. And when those tactics eventually worked, they only did so for a small while and even this small while was filled with nightmares or the lightest sleep possible. The morning left you exhausted instead of refreshed, even though there was a small part of hope lingering within you, hoping you would find a solution within the next hours and a way to calm the storm that was fully whirling up again as soon as you felt the first sun beams dragging you completely out of the little bit of sleep it had given you. The words you shared with Michonne and Rick weren’t many, only a quick ‘see you’ when you left for work. And you thought about Negan. A lot. Not only about the fight or any of its reasons, even more about how he was feeling now, what he might be thinking about this all. You kept cursing yourself about it, mad that you were giving those ugly feelings so much space to slip in and try to eat you up. And just as much as you cursed yourself, you tried to focus on the work at the infirmary, trying to let it distract you instead of letting the thoughts distract you from your shift. And while this worked at least for the most part, something else didn’t. You didn’t find answers for your questions. You didn’t find a way to calm the storm. Instead you sometimes felt like they might even became worse. At the end of the day, you found yourself sitting by the table in the infirmary, with your elbows propped on the wooden surface, staring at the light of the small lamp and the beams that got reflected on the porcelain of the plate that stood in front of you. You hadn’t managed to eat much, just a few bites and you had to force yourself to somehow get them down your throat. You hated to admit it, but you were consistently on the edge to break out in tears, only the bubble you were stuck in keeping it from actually happening, even though you knew that it would burst earlier or later. You had no where to go, no one to talk to. You felt alone, so fucking alone.
The sky was already pitch black when you made your way finally down the road, only enlightened by some of the still functioning street lamps while the chilly breeze made you sling your jacket tighter around your body. Another shiver was running over your back as you spotted the brownstones from afar, standing tall over the other houses before the branchy crowns of the trees whose leaves had already fallen finally covered them. The thin diamond bracelet you got from Negan once was dangling from your wrist, pressing against your skin as you wrapped your arms tighter around your body, bringing him right back into your mind. You had stared way too often down at those tiny stones today, watching them blinking in the sunlight while you couldn’t even closely bring yourself to take it off, not even for the sake of maybe getting to still your thoughts. The cold was spreading all over your body when you finally got to the porch of Rick’s house, carefully stepping up the stairs before your eyes got drawn away from the cold and the bracelet that was still pressing into your skin. You had seen it before, of course you did, but there was a difference. Around the two blue handprints on the floorboards at the side of the porch were lines drawn, a saw laying right next to them as if they were just waiting for the sound to rise on the next morning to be cut out. He wouldn’t remove it, Rick would never do that, not to one of the very last things his son had left behind, instead your mind worked out as you were standing in the freezing cold that he must want to transfer is somewhere where it wasn’t exposed to nature’s caprices. The thought of what it did to Rick and even Michonne let a shudder down your spine, adding to the ones that were already cursing through your veins and letting some of the grief you yourself hadn’t even fully processed well up for a moment. With a heavy sigh and the feeling of the cold trying to engulf you once more you forced your glance off the handprints and finally got yourself towards the entrance, ready for yet another sleepless night.
Sweat was bedewing your skin when your eyes snapped open, heavy pants letting your chest rise and fall while the nightmare was already slipping out of your mind, leaving nothing but the terror it had put into your body behind. For moments you were stuck in a bubble of shock the terror had brought with itself before it slowly ebbed gradually down. The sheets were sticking uncomfortably to your skin as you rolled to your side, groaning quietly as your eyes caught the digits on the small clock. Still more than an hour till you had to get up and you knew that you couldn’t fall asleep again nor risk to get an even worse nightmare. Your heartbeat still hadn’t fully calmed down as you buried your face into the pillows, trying in some way to get comfortable in their middle for just as long as you could.
You could bear another half hour, not more, until your racing thoughts urged you to distract yourself from them and the nightmare, which even though you couldn’t fully remember, had to have been about Negan. Freshly showered and slipped into new clothes for the day you got down the stairs, trying to let the bright sun light that was streaming softly through the windows light up your mood. The floorboards were creaking softly beneath your shoes as you walked down the hallway, slipping your arms through the sleeves of your jacket, ready to step out of the infirmary before a familiar voice stopped your steps. ”(Y/N)? You got a sec?” You turned around, looking into a pair of blue eyes that belonged to the man glancing at you as he slowly made his way out of the kitchen. “Just wanted to ask you something’”, he said, his voice careful as he let out a little sigh, seeming to struggle slightly with himself, “Just need to know if you’re gonna go back to, y’know…the cell.” He stopped for a moment, catching the glance in your eyes before he slowly shook his head, “Nothing to do with you, Siddiq just called, the baby can come any moment now…and he made me remember something…you’ve been taking care of his wounds and you’re the only one right now he thought to handle those injuries. Having him catch some infection with that would be the last thing I needed…we’re still stocking the supplies for the infirmary up.” A sigh left his lips as his wandering glance got back to your eyes, seeing the bit of guilt for asking you swaying within them before some memories that suddenly blinked up in your mind made tension that had just waited for its chance to build up vanish. ”It’s not gonna be a big problem…I deposed a small storage there just a week ago…just so I wouldn’t have to take the stuff with me every evening”, you said, remembering cursing yourself out way too often for having to turn around half way to the cell because you forgot some new bandaid, before you finally decided to just built up this small stock, no matter if Negan’s old guard was at first for whatever reason doubtful about it. ”I only used the bandaids anymore, not because the wound still needs it, just for safety…he sometimes even did it himself”, you mumbled, feeling your heart twinge by his mention before the devil on your shoulder teased you by remembering that you hadn’t answered the first question, nor that this storage solution could be something long term, used up was used up. “I…I’ll go back there. Just don’t know when exactly…”, you mumbled, partly embarrassed by yourself for having such a big fight with yourself going on you that didn’t seem to be able to calm, instead, you felt like a complete idiot who was procrasting this even though it got worse with each hour. “Okay, good to know-” “Daddy!”, Judith’s soft voice ripped him away from you, letting him glance back into the kitchen for a short moment as he turned on his heels. “I’m right back, Sweetie”, he said, his voice softer and calming towards his daughter in the next room before his glance wandered back to you. “Alright, gotta take care of Judith’s breakfast now. I’ll see you around?”, he asked, already half way on his path to the kitchen before his blue orbs glanced once more towards you. “Yeah”, you said, forcing a tiny smile into the corners of your lips before Rick vanished completely in the kitchen. And with that, you made your way out of the house too, finding your way to the infirmary while the next hours felt like they were passing as slowly as days, dragged into an unbearable length while you knew that this wasn’t something you could keep doing for much longer.
Third Day. Third Fucking Day. Both yesterday and the day before around this time, he had already been sitting just like this on this shit bed, staring repeatedly from the windows to the small digital clock next to the stone wall, watching the digits turn with every second, every minute, every hour. What had formerly been a help for her to know when she needed to leave for her shifts was now almost like a torture device for him, letting him watch the changing digits while he was trying to figure out if the time had arrived yet she usually got over to the cell. She hadn’t come, just like the little devil on his shoulder had told him from the very beginning. Still, there had been some hope in him that she would suddenly appear in front of those cold metal bars and come in to him. Now, even more of this hope was gone, if he was honest, as good as everything. She wouldn’t come back. His usual large confidence seemed to have disappeared along with his hope and instead he was worrying that he wouldn’t even be able to talk to her again, explain himself to her. But fuck, maybe he didn’t even deserve that. After all, and this had become clearer than ever before in the last lonely days, he was the reason for all her worry. The reason she had problems with those fuckers outside and her asshat brother, the reason she had to deal with all this crap. Hell, she was better off without him. Right? Even though this thought was striking his mind over and over again, it was knotted to a biting pain, caused by the thought that there would be someone else instead. This someone who was probably standing in these fucking moments in front of this fucking house, playing pocket ball with one hand and swinging those fucking tiny silver keys to his cell with the other. He hadn’t even seen that asshole since the incident, the meals were brought by some other guard, probably, and that was the only thing he saw positively in this, he had been able to scare the living shit out of that asshat. But when he wasn’t the one bringing him food, hell knew if he was actually still standing in front of that house, maybe this damn fucker was already out there, sleazing up to her. Talking to her. Charming the damn fucking pants off her. Touching her- “Fuck”, Negan growled out through gritted teeth, kicking any against the stone beneath him, letting the cement brush harshly against the bare soles of his feet while his mind began to work flat out again by the thoughts this fucker had whirled up, all along with the longing to have her back he couldn’t fight, no matter what the devil on his shoulder was telling him. Before this crap fight he’d worried about the things he wasn’t able to give her anymore since he was stuck in this hell hole and now, now these things were far off right now, more out of reach than ever. Now he’d just like to have her right there with him. Have the things he had just days ago. Feel her body writhing in pleasure beneath him, see her face twisting in the lust he was pumping into her, hear her soft moans vibrating against his skin, feel her fingertips digging into it, feel her hands running down his back and her lips brushing over his skin until they got caught by his once more. But not just that, fucking was great, no question and with her it was the most mind blowing and nut busting shit he’d ever experienced, but it wasn’t the only thing, not by far. Fuck, just seeing her looking with those sleepy eyes at him before she huddled up to him and nuzzled her face into his neck, feel her fingers smoothing his hair back and running softly through it, sense the way she felt within his arms and cuddled up to his chest, hear her laugh echoing through this cell or simply just her voice, see the way her lips curled up when he got to make her smile. He’d give fucking everything to have that right now. Yep, he might was about to turn into a sappy fucker right there, he was aware of that, but he didn’t care, he didn’t give a single fuck about that right now if he was honest. The shivering breath that left his lips shook through his whole body, letting him flinch as soon as he suddenly heard the creaking of the door upstairs and the sound of footsteps coming down the cements stairs. For the split of a second he hoped it was her, even though reality caught him quickly and forced him to realize that it couldn’t be her. She never came down alone, always had a guard with her to get the door open. But it wasn’t time for his next meal yet, so who the fuck was coming to pay him visit? That Caleb fucker? Was he scraping up the last bit of the gut he had in his tiny balls to come here and taunt him? A growl elicited Negan’s throat only by the thought, his eyes were wandering from the gray ground up until they met the metal bars, ready to glare at the blonde man he expected to appear behind them. But the man who appeared wasn’t blonde, hell, that fucker behind the bars there was giving this shit situation the biggest plot twist Negan have had in a while. ”Now would you look at that”, he mumbled, the corners of his lips curling up into a dangerous grin as his eyes gored through the door, “Ricky’s here.”
“Come on, where are you?”, you grumbled, your fingers slipping through the small packages of salves, trying to find the one you could have sworn to have dropped it in there earlier, but which had now vanished into thin air. With an annoyed grunt you pushed the drawer back into the counter, hearing the dull thud echoing through the empty infirmary. Your fingers were still lingering on the handle, pondering if you should open it again and search for it once more, or simply move on and take care of it later, when you weren’t all tense. Within seconds you decided for the later, knowing that the salve was probably in there but your stiff glance wasn’t allowing you to see it. With another huff you moved to the side, your steps creaking over the floorboards as you were suddenly feeling a tugging on your wrist that only lasted seconds, enough to spend confusion out in you, too much for the bracelet on your wrist to take. A twinging sound echoed through the room as it snapped, rushing with a painful sting against your wrist before the sound of each of the tiny diamonds meeting the wooden floor resounded and let a sudden rush of panic wash through your body. ”Fuck!”, you gasped out, freezing cold and boiling heat mixing within you as you stared in horror at the snapped string and the stones which spread out all over the ground ,”No, no, no, no….” You fell to your knees, feeling them hitting the floor the moment a lump began to form in your throat as your hands were already rushing to the diamonds, trying to catch them all in your hands, trying to tell yourself that you could fix it. ”Shit…”, you panted, your voice filled with panic as reality sneaked up more and more, showing you the destroyed bracelet and showing you even more how small the chance was that you could ever fix it. This couldn’t be real now, right? This was just a nightmare, right? No, this was true, all of it. Out of all days, all moments, Negan’s gift had to go bust just now, leaving you with an ugly feeling mixed from distress and stinging pain. You didn’t want to believe in such stupid signs but right now, as you sat there in front of the broken string and the diamonds, it felt like this was just putting more weight onto your fears. And it wasn’t just this unfortunate moment, you had this bracelet for so long now, since the time you began to truly recognize that there was clearly something deeper developing between the both of you. And with this realization, the bubble around you began to slowly burst. You missed him, fuck, you missed him so damn much. And just as much as you missed him, you ached to get an answer to your questions. But there was this goddamn fear holding you back, the devil dancing on your shoulder, whispering into your ear that you might not like the answer to those questions or worse, that the answer could mean the end. Maybe you were exaggerating things, maybe not. But if you were, then just because you were dead afraid to lose him. A sudden shudder that shook through your body shot tears in your eyes, the bubble bursting more with each passing second while the lump in your throat grew to an unbearable size. It was pushing those tears further, further until you felt a whimper leaving your lips as the first of them rolled down your cheeks and turned your vision into a blurry mess. For a moment, you forgot everything around you, the infirmary, the possibility that anyone could come in just now, the only thing on your mind was a wild mix of all the emotions you had tried to suppress. You had known from the beginning that they would act up earlier or later, that it would be even worse then, but any other way hadn’t seemed much better. More and more tears streamed down your cheeks, stirring up a bigger mess in your head until you found yourself leaning with your back against the counter, staring at the string and the diamonds in your hands you had somehow managed to scrape up from the floor. “Fuck this…”, you mumbled, not forceful or harsh as one would expect those words to sound, but rather broken and weak. Why couldn’t things be easy for once for the both of you? First there was the war, then this damn cell. Why couldn’t you just have it as easy as other couples even in this mess of a world? Why?
You knew you couldn’t sit there forever, earlier or later someone would come in and you couldn’t afford anyone to see you this way, this hurt and with from tears swollen eyes. A huff left your trembling lips, the rest of the tears running in between, letting you taste their saltiness as you clasped the string and the diamonds closer and heft yourself slowly up. With small thuds you let the purport in your hands fall onto the counter, still hoping that you were able to somehow fix it even though you deep down knew that you probably couldn’t. Brushing your fingers over your heated skin, you got rid of the tears daubing your skin, scoffing about yourself in annoyance. What the hell were you doing? “(Y/N)? Sorry, I-”, you suddenly heard a familiar voice say, careful and quiet, but enough to let you flich in shock up, confused that you had been sunken that deeply into your thoughts that you hadn’t heard him coming in. Your glance darted at the man at the door, looking right into his eyes that stared back at you. One was clear again, healthy probably, the other opaque, almost as if it had turned blind. His hands were stroking uneasily over his tidy black pants, fitting perfectly to the rest of his priest outfit while you were still frozen your mind only slowly coming back to do its job. You had completely forgot about it in all this, he was here to get his meds. You could still remember the messily written notes of Siddiq about his regular patients, could remember your shudder that had run down your back when you had seen Gabriel’s name and now, now it was his turn to get a new stock. “Are you okay?”, he asked cautiously, glancing at you as you realized that your eyes must be red rimmed, giving away the fact that you had spent the last while crying instead of working. ”Yeah”, you mumbled a little too quick, stroking once more over your cheeks, hoping to get the very last tears off your skin before you let a huff out as soon as you saw his glance, “Sorry, I’m being completely unprofessional right now…shouldn’t mix this here with other stuff…I’ll get you your meds in a sec” Your glance was trailing off until it got stuck on the remains of the bracelet again, embarrassed of what you were presenting him. ”Don’t worry, I can understand you.” With that you glanced back up, surprised by his words before you caught him walking a little closer and nodding towards the broken bracelet. ”Someone gave it to you?”, he asked, his voice still careful as a shivering breath fell from your lips while you slowly began to nod, trying to figure out what to do next. ”It was him, wasn’t it?”, he added, gulping softly before he shrugged his shoulders slightly as soon as your eyes met his again, ”Never saw you wearing it before he…took you. Just assumed it.” You just nodded again, still surprised by his interest in your feelings after all. ”Something happened?”, he asked calmly, walking once more a bit closer while a bittersweet chuckle left your lips, mixed with a good ounce of insecurity. ”I don’t think you wanna hear me whining about my problems with Negan…after everything.” ”If it helps you, I don’t mind. That’s somehow what’s my job around here, isn’t it?”, he said, surprising you once more while a small, supportive smile grew on his lips as soon as he saw this certain surprise written over your face. ”Take it as a talk to a friend, or maybe, if you want to, as confession.” ”Why would you want to do that for me?”, you asked, your voice was soft as your eyes were roaming over his face, trying to find answers. ”I know you tried to help me when I was at the Sanctuary, so I’m just giving back…and I do think you deserve to be treated better than a lot of the people around here do”, he said, his glance reassuring as you eyed him, still unsure of the situation. “You don’t have to, of course. I just know that it often frees and maybe, maybe I can help”, he added and while you knew he was right, this still wasn’t easy for you, not at all. Hell, Negan was the only one you were letting you see this vulnerable. But an urge in you pushed you, especially the small bit of hope that was still lingering within you. There should have been alarm bells going on in your head to begin with, trusting someone with this kind of information, but you did so with Gabriel. Not because your bond was particularly close, but because he took his job or rather his beliefs in doing-better serious. He wasn’t gonna tell anybody about this talk. So finally, after a few silent moments you began to softly but still reluctantly nod. “We…well, we had a fight…”, you began, still unsure how to start and handle this conversation while you could feel your emotions urging you to continue, somehow. And you did. You told him about it, the fight and your reasons to not go back there yet, not everything, nothing too detailed, but enough for him to understand what your problem was. And while you were at it, you could feel the feelings within you boiling up again that were still just too easy to rile after the breaking of Negan’s gift. You found yourself holding new tears back, cursing yourself inwardly while a shivering sigh fell from your lips as soon as your voice came to a stop for a second and you caught him still listening carefully to you.
”On the day of the last battle…I know he spared me because of you”, he finally said after a small while of silence, the mentioning of this day enough to get your full attention, ”I know I sat there on this grass instead of in front of his gun because of you. And I know he didn’t try to shoot them right away and gave them a chance instead because of you. Not only because you may have said something or not. It was his decision in the end, obviously. But people like him, to come to this kind of decision…he must really feel something deep for you.” You glanced at him, feeling how there was a tiny warmth somewhere inside you, poking softly, almost not enough to be noticeable , through the thick layers of distress. ”And trust me, before the day in this trailer with the dead around us…I doubted he still had feelings left at all”, Gabriel mumbled, his voice still calm and reassuring but there was a serious glance stuck in his eyes. He sighed quietly, breaking eye contact with you for a moment to let his glance wander to the ground for a moment, as if he was struggling slightly with what was coming next. ”People can get better…or maybe come back from what this world has done to them, leading them on a wrong path…I shouldn’t judge, not after the things I’ve done, so…”, he said, his eyes meeting yours again as a small gulp traveled down his throat, ”I don’t know if you noticed it or not, but I think you’re the one doing this to him.” The lingering warmth in you began to grow slowly, poking a little stronger through the heavy layers hiding it before Gabriel took a deeper breath and glanced once more into your eyes. ”And it seemed like he was doing this in some way to you too. You seemed very happy with him back at the Sanctuary, despite everything. Now…it’s not easy for me to speak in his favor after everything that has happened, but I am rather doing this for you and for my beliefs now”, he continued, his voice becoming a bit firmer as if he was trying to reassure himself in this, but for some reason, especially the fact that he was doing it despite of the past situation, made you already believe a little more into what he was about to say. ”I’m sure he hasn’t assumed those things because he thinks little of you or there’s anything wrong between you…I think he is simply dead scared to lose you”, he finally said, his voice still a little reluctant at the last words but even more calm and, what mattered the most, genuine. You could feel the warmth finally breaking through the layers, speaking to the part in you the devil on your shoulder hadn’t managed to suppress yet. ”So if you go back, I think the only way it gonna go is into a better direction”, he added, sighing quietly as he leaned himself only softly against the counter, placing his hand on the wood while his eyes wandered for seconds through the room before they found you again, “Take this advice or leave it, but I think else you wouldn’t stop torturing yourself. I do think we both actually know that you should do it.” Slowly, you began to nod. He was right, of course he was and if you were honest, you had known it from the beginning, you had just needed someone to spell it out. Still, the idea of it was giving the fear in you something to feed on even though the growing warmth was fighting it more with each passing second. “So will you?”, he carefully asked, as you glanced down at your hands, reluctant for a moment as you realized how bizarre this whole situation with Gabriel actually was, even though you weren’t gonna lie and say it hadn’t worked for you. “Yeah…”, you finally mumbled, glancing up to him as you took a breath and nodded softly, “I think…I think I’ll go there after my shift.” As soon as you had said those words, you found yourself a little astounded by them, as if this wasn’t real, just some dream you were having in your sleep but after a few more seconds, the tenseness about what you were actually gonna do showed you quickly that this way very much real. One more time you glanced at the priest, found his healthy eye following your movements bereft he smiled slightly and gave you a soft nod. “Thank you”, you mumbled, giving him a smile back as he shook his head slightly. “There’s no need to thank me for that.” “It is, I’m not sure if there’s anyone else out there who’d do it too”, you said, the smile still lingering on your lips even though there was a small sting of pain anytime you talked or just thought of the fact that your relationships with each person who had once been a close friend was either destroyed or was only slowly building up again. “And now I’ll get you your meds”, you finally said, ripping yourself out of the odd but helpful situation this talk had brought you in, with the result that turned from being only words into reality not more than a half hour later.
The wind was biting into your skin, sending chilly and uneasy shivers down your spine as you found yourself walking towards the brownstones, while from the pocket of your jacket, the remains of your bracelet tinkled softly within the plastic bag you had carefully pushed them in. When you had first left the infirmary, your steps had been slow, the warmth still fighting with the fear for a win until it got the apprehend and let you walk faster. You missed him and you wanted to settle this, so why the hell make things even harder by overthinking this over and over again? A heavy breath fell from your lips as you got closer, passed the last houses until you caught Caleb sitting on a chair in front of the entrance whose eyes were finding yours the moment you stepped closer.
”Can you get me down?”, you asked as soon as he was in earshot, seeing his glance narrowing slightly as a gulp travelled down his throat. ”You sure you really wanna do this?”, he asked, hefting himself off the chair. ”Yes.” ”I don’t understand you…”, he mumbled, his eyes wandering over your face, seemingly trying to find an answer before he let a huff out and nodded inside. ”But Rick’s already down there-” “Rick?”, it slipped out of your lips in surprise, your brows staying puckered as you glanced at the blonde man. “Yeah, wants to talk to him or something….anyway, he’s got a key too”, Caleb mumbled, obviously not liking your intend even though you found yourself caring little to not at all for it. Whatever was going on in his head, and if Negan had been actually right with his interest in you, it didn’t matter. ”Okay”, you only said scantly and with a small nod, before moving past him inside the house.
You were still wondering about Rick’s visit as you found yourself making your way through the house, walking the path you had walked countless times before while trying to keep the suspense in your body as low as possible. Finally, you got to the last door before the stairs begun and opened it softly while already voices from downstairs began to echo through to you. At first, you only heard Rick’s voice saying something you weren’t understand as you shut the door behind yourself once more, but as then, the familiar deep voice you had missed that much spoke up, your full attention was right there, leaving you unable to move for seconds.
”C’mon Rick, I won’t turn into some fucking sappy whiney fucker with ya, I just wanna know how she’s doing…and after I had to listen to your damn fucking corny daydream future shit monologue, I think I really fucking deserve that.”
The warmth in you grew more, even enough to let a soft smile grow on your lips while it decided for you to keep staying at the beginning of the stairs for just now instead of interrupting them.
”If I’m telling you this, be sure I’m not doing that for you.”
”Well shit, Rick, I fucking know. Now I don’t know what wires in your head aren’t doing their job right now but I’m not fucking joking here.”
”I don’t know how much I need to tell you more”, a deep huff echoed from the cell through to you, seconds of silence passing before your heart began to flutter once more by his next words ,”I miss her. There you got it. I’m not even shitless scared to admit that but do what ya gotta do to use that against me. Hell, I don’t even fucking mind anymore.”
”Just tell me how she is”, he added as you felt this warmth taking you completely in, telling you that this decision to come back today had been right.
”Don’t know what you did to her but it hit her good. Don’t think she’s getting much sleep…has been pretty much throwing herself into the infirmary. I barely see her”, Rick’s voice was grumbling and quieter than Negan’s even as he let out another scoff, ”And that’s it, I’m not your message boy, Negan.”
“I’m the one in charge, not you. You’re no leader anymore, you’re a prisoner who’s rotting in this cell. You should get used to that”, with that you heard the screeching of a chair being dragged over the floor, reminding you that it was time for you to stop listening to them without their knowledge, especially because this talk seemed to be over now for at least one of them.
“Well, then is this thing here going to be some kinda weekly shit? Like some damn newspaper about what shit I’m missing out?”, Negan asked with a huff, as you heard Rick’s footsteps sounding over the cement floor. “We’ll see”, you heard him mumble just as you gave yourself the last push and stepped down the stairs into a sudden and complete silence before Rick’s blue eyes caught yours. “Can you open the cell for me?”, you asked, feeling how your feet hit the ground after the last step and a testing glance of Rick’s before he slowly nodded. The cement floor scrunched beneath the soles of your boots as you finally did your last steps until you stood before the cell’s door and glanced inside.
There he was, his hazel eyes darting at you in utter surprise, dark circles stuck beneath them as if he had slept just as little as you had. Slowly, they were softening as the seconds passed while his lips were gaping slightly open, his whole body stuck in rigidity. The sound of the key sliding into the lock echoed through the dead calm cell in the very moment his face muscles began to become just a little less tense and allowed the corners of his lips to curl softly up as he spoke. “You came back.”
Summary: Locked up and alone with his terrorizing thoughts, Negan’s jealousy and fears of loss get even worse as they’re provoked by another nerve-wracking encounter which eventually lets a promising night with the reader turn into the horrible opposite.
Warning: tiny hint of smut, Negan being jealous as hell (and a bit from Negan’s pov again!)
Slowly, you began to drift out of your sleep, first sensing the warmth that was surrounding you, a comfortable and soothing warmth that was building another, a fuzzy and blithe one within your own body. Shifting softly, your eyes began to flutter slightly until they were half open, glimpsing at the bright sun rays that were already enlightening the cell. For a moment, you stayed still before you could feel his arms tightening carefully around you as you cuddled a little closer. A sleepy hum was leaving your lips as the warmth surrounding you got stronger while you nuzzled your nose into the comfort of his neck, pressing a soft kiss to his skin. Gradually, you began to drift more out of your sleep, step by step until you finally got fully back to consciousness and began to feel that there was something hiding beneath this warmth that let it suddenly feel different than every other morning. It was tension that was coming more and more forth out of its hideout, a tension that was usually only stuck in his body when a nightmare had haunted him in his sleep. Confused and still stuck in the drowsy shroud the past sleep had left on you you shifted slightly, raising your head sleepily from his shoulder until your eyes could glance at Negan, look into his hazel eyes that were surrounded by a certain darkness even though their soft orbs got enlightened by the morning sun. “Mornin’, Baby”, he mumbled, his voice was soft as he spoke those two words, completely contrary to his eyes that were backstabbing him in the attempt to keep the mask up his deep and soothing voice was trying to build. His drawl hushed as your eyes wandered over his face, over each of his handsome features, trying to find out if there was actually something bothering him or if your sleepy self was just hallucinating. There was no way he’s had much sleep in the last night, his eyes were yearning for rest while the dark circles beneath them were underlining each of the minutes that had been stolen from him in the past night. His lips were falling into the form of a thin line as soon as his words hushed and were letting the rest of his facial muscles align with it, creating a mine on his face that not only let the confusion grow but formed a bigger concern as well. “Morning”, you mumbled back, your voice a little croaky from the sleep as you gulped slightly, “Everything okay?…Did you have a nightmare or something?” Your voice was a bit quieter than before as your eyes kept being captured by his as they still caught the muscles in his cheek twitching as he clenched his jaw. Slowly, he began to shake his head, creating with each movement more confusion until he finally spoke up. “No, I’m fine…just didn’t catch much sleep”, he grumbled, attempting to pull you a little closer and caress your waist with his large hand as if he wanted to soothe your concern. But he couldn’t, the glance in his eyes and the suspense in his body were too revealing for you to believe him right of the bat and it didn’t take more than another glance of yours for him to realize his failed attempt. With a deep sigh, his eyes wandered for a second through the room, as if he was pondering about what to tell you until they met your glance again, “-And Rick the prick had the fucking glorious idea to change up the guard.” With puckered brows and a questioning glance in your eyes you looked at him, still confused as he let out a humorless chuckle and shook his head slightly again, reluctant to continue at first. “Negan, what’s wrong?…Who’s the new guard?”, you asked, careful and with the drowsiness stuck in your voice as he let out a small sigh, as if he was trying to hold something in himself back as his eyes wandered to the high windows of the cell. Before you could hear his voice echoing through the cell again, it got replaced by the sound of dull footsteps that made their way down the stairs, letting the mine on Negan’s face harden with each step the unknown guard was traveling further south. Your confused glance switched from Negan’s tensed face towards the cell door, trying to catch the moment the reason for Negan’s behavior would be revealed. For a moment, you expected Tara or Rosita to step in front of the metal bars, see their dark hair and dun eyes piercing through the door but no, you saw neither of them. Instead there was an ash blonde thatch peaking through the gaps and glaucous eyes staring right at you, belonging to the figure of a man that let anything Negan’s voice and face had displayed make sense within seconds. Caleb kept looking at you for seconds, provoking Negan’s arm to tighten around your waist a little more with each of it while your eyes stayed on your friend for a couple of seconds, “Morning”, Caleb mumbled, giving you a quick nod while your surprised glance was still stuck to Negan’s new guard and the realization that this change would just throw more logs into the fire of jealousy that burned deeply within Negan, no matter how unfounded this jealousy actually was. He had tamed it last night for your sake, but now that Caleb was right here, right there to let it flame up again, it was just a question of time for how long he would be able to keep it low. “Just here to make sure you’re up…guess you can already tell that quite a bit changed”, Caleb said, shifting slightly but visibly uncomfortable over the cement ground, “Like Eden said yesterday, they’re pulling a bunch of people off to work at the construction for the windmill till everything’s settled, so for now…well for now I’m taking some shifts over here.” His eyes were on you, almost as if he was intentionally avoiding to meet Negan’s glance while you were still captured in a bit of a shock stare, trying to process what was happening before Caleb gave you a little insecure but still friendly smile. “Well then, I’ll see you in about twenty, if I’m not down here by then, just take the walkie to call”, Caleb said, nodding towards the small device by the cell’s door while the man by your side was shuffling up into the pillows and leaning himself against the cold stone wall as if it was giving him a more dominant position. “Alright, thanks”, you said with a small nod, feeling how Negan was growing more restless next to you as he was staying unusual quiet even though you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and his throat cleared slightly that there was a big urge in him pushing him to make a venomous remark. It only took seconds for Caleb to give you a confirming nod and another glance before he vanished up the stairs again and the glimpse you could catch of Negan from the corners of your eyes, that was just enough for him to not earn this certain remark. A harsh gulp travelled down your throat as the last one of Caleb’s steps echoed through the room, right before the dull thud of the door crashing into its lock upstairs catapulted you back into reality, pushing you to realize and process that you weren’t dreaming any of this. “He was down here before, when you were still sleeping”, Negan grumbled, leading your glance back to his face that was even more tense than before while you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and the muscles in his cheeks twitched that he was trying to hold himself back after your conversation of the last night. A sigh was leaving your lips as your mind was working flat out, trying to push the left drowsiness aside to handle the situation as well as you could, or without making it worse by bubbling some nonsense. “I know this is a weird coincidence….but it really doesn’t matter after all, right? Like I said, if he is anything to me than just a friend…and even though I’m pretty sure that’s mutual, anything else doesn’t matter anyway”, you mumbled, trying to keep your voice as calm and soothing as you could before you pushed a small smile into the corners of your lips, hoping Negan’s stare that was still darting at the cold stone would soon fall on you again. “Only thing I know is that I got a little less than twenty minutes with you left and I’d really like to spend them napping a little more with you…especially because it looks like you could use some more sleep too”, you said, putting a little tease in your voce as your hand caressed softly over his shirt, finally getting his attention as his face softened a bit and turned towards you. There was still tension written all over it, and you could tell that he would have loved to just fall into a rant or even give Caleb himself a proper talking-to, but still there seemed to be something in him pulling him by the last strings that were left. “How does that sound, huh? And tonight…if you’re fit enough again, we can do the other kind of napping”, you softly chuckled, finally provoking an all too familiar grin to pull the corners of Negan’s lips softly up and let his hazel eyes meet yours again. “You can bet your ass on that I could do that right now and here too”, he grumbled but still with that small grin on his lips, as if the devil and the angel on his shoulders were fighting for his attention. “Oh I know”, you softly laughed, your palm still laying on his chest as your fingers were tracing in small circles over the steel blue fabric of his prison suit. By the way he was looking at you, you could tell that there was a part of him who would have loved to tear the nightdress off your body and make you moan so that the thick walls would shake and let Caleb know what exactly he was doing to you but instead of giving Negan some more stage for his jealousy you moved in a little closer and glanced calmly at him. All while you tried to keep his glance tied to yours for a few more seconds, hoping to get Caleb and his jealousy off his mind for at least a bit and as he began to slowly nod, you knew that the angel had successfully pushed the devil off his shoulder, for now. But just as sure as you were that the devil was already clawing its fingers into the prison suit again, trying to climb its way up the fabric of the sleeve to Negan’s shoulder again, you were sure that there were hidden reasons to why the angel had won this time. Especially this little flickering in his eyes and the way they softened, as if he was pushing himself more than usual to give in to it, made you ponder for a second. But this second was quickly over as you caught him shuffling down the pillows again and rolling onto his side on the cheaply squeaking mattress, lifting his arm for you to huddle up to him for the little rest of time you had left. ”You’re gonna come here or nah?”, Negan said glancing at you, a soft chuckle rumbling through his chest while his eyes were visibly still fighting some of his inner demons. ”I will”, you mumbled back, grabbing the thin blanket to keep it steady as you shifted down until Negan’s strong arms could capture you and pull you against his warm chest. Resting your head on his arm you cuddled closer until you could nuzzle your nose against his neck, feel the small vibrations each of his breaths were giving off while you reached one hand up until it could sink into his dark locks. A deep hum was elicited from his throat as soon as your fingers traced over his skull, his chest was rumbling in a calm manner against your body as soon as his head fell into the curve of your neck and caused a small smile to grow on your lips. You liked those moments, those moments that let you feel like there was no one else than you two and in which it didn’t matter where you were. Especially since his time in the cell had begun you saw their worth even more, in just those minutes that let each of you shut any lousy thoughts out and you could collect some new energy again. And you stayed just like this for a little while longer, with your bodies entangled, his arms keeping you safely in his embrace and your hand playing softly with his hair while his warm breath and the feeling of his lips brushing over the side of your neck let pleasant goosebumps spread over your skin, until you knew that it was time for you to get ready.
Negan sat on the edge of the cheap bed, stretching his long legs out with a strained but quiet groan as you slipped your arms into the soft leather of your jacket and shuffled your feet over the ground, trying to get a little more comfortable in your boots. ”Think you’ll got your shifts all fucked up too?”, Negan asked, stemming himself off the bed with a small sigh before he made his way over to your side until his large hands could grasp your hips and pull you closer against his firm chest. ”Mhmm probably, depends on if Rick pulled Rosita off the infirmary for the wind mill”, you said leaning closer against him until your head leaned against his shoulder and his arms wrapped a little tighter around your body, keeping you in his warm embrace for a bit longer. ”Alright…don’t let any fucker bother you out there, okay? If you’re still at the infirmary, hell Baby, you’ll rock that shit again…just forget about that shitty last day and get fresh in there, be my goddamn queen of bandages and disinfection shit”, Negan’s voice was serious until the last sentence that let a soft chuckle rumble through his chest as he pressed a quick kiss on the sensitive skin of your neck before he leaned back to look at you. ”You’ll do that for me?”, he asked, a crooked grin dancing over his lips as you began to slowly nod and allowed a smile to sneak onto your face. ”Yeah”, you mumbled, letting your hands sneak up his chest and slide over the fabric of his prison suit until your arms could wrap around his warm neck. Slowly, he was leaning in until his lips could brush over yours before they captured them entirely, pulling you into a kiss that was as always able to let your knees turn into jelly within seconds. Humming into his kiss you melted against him, feeling the sensation of his rough beard stubble and soft lips teasing over yours while his strong arms kept you steadily flush against his own body. You were about to lose yourself in him again, were about to dive into the kind of moment again you’ve had in bed just a little while ago before the sudden thud of a door made you slip back into reality. Within a second you could feel Negan’s body tensing again, his muscles filing with suspense even though his kiss didn’t stop nonetheless as dull steps sounded over the creaking stairs. Feeling how your body was yearning for air you let go of his lips to catch your breath again even though you knew that if it wasn’t for you Negan wouldn’t have stopped. He would have pushed it, although you were still half stuck in the cloud of emotions his kiss had let you swing in, you knew he would have pushed it so his new guard would see you just like this, in each others arms and drowned in a longing kiss. Glancing up into his hazel eyes you could see the suspense radiating from them, even though it felt like he was still partly trying to suppress it. Slowly, you let your thumb caress over the back of his neck and leaned once more up to peck his lips with a soft kiss before you heard how the footsteps came to a stop and their echo sounded through the thick walls of the cell. Within seconds you turned your head towards the sound’s source, catching Caleb’s eyes glancing at you through the cold metal bars while his hand was deeply buried in the pocket of his pants, trying to fish out the small keys for the cell. ”Hey there again”, he said, pushing a small smile into the corners of his lips as he finally grasped the silver keys and brought them accompanied by a clinking sound towards the lock. ”Hey”, you said back, turning a little more towards the door to get ready for leaving before you felt Negan’s arms pushing you lightly back, provoking your glance to fall from Caleb to the man by your side. ”See you tonight?”, he asked, the sentence that was usually a statement connected with a small grin and another kiss had now turned into question and a forced up smirk that was by far not outdrowning the suspense and sternness that was written all over his face. ”Yeah, see you tonight”, you said soft but definitive back, giving him a reassuring smile before leaning up to peck his lips a last time, hoping to let some of the tension vanish. Reluctantly, Negan’s arms loosened, eventually letting go of you before Caleb’s voice sounded through to you as the sound of the keys sliding into the lock reechoed slightly. ”You’re coming?”, he asked, letting your glance meet his before it seemingly wandered for the first time since this morning towards Negan, “And you take your seat till the doors locked again? Roger said that’s how you’ve handled this till now.” Even though it was firm, Caleb’s voice wasn’t commanding, but it still let a frown grow all over Negan’s face, pushing the smirk for you once for all off his handsome features. ”Yes, that’s how we do”, Negan grumbled, his eyes goring through the door as if it could shoot poisonous arrows through the metal bars and let them gore deeply into Caleb’s skin. The frown on Negan’s face got quickly accompanied by the odd and dangerous grin you had seen a couple times before as he made his way over to the cheap bed and let himself fall onto the mattress that squeaked along with the bedsprings beneath the weight that was pressing in on it. ”’Cause I’m definitely that fucking dumb to jump headfirst out of that shitcell against some armed guard while my girl’s right in the danger zone”, Negan let out a deep, but humorless chuckle eliciting an irritated glance to form in Caleb’s eyes as you let out a lost sigh and moved closer to the cell’s door, deciding that it was better for each one of you to just get some distance between them. ”I’m coming”, you just mumbled, quickly slipping through the opening in the wall until you heard the door crashing back into the lock. You could feel Caleb’s hand ghosting for a short moment over your back in a guiding manner as you lanced one last time at Negan, watched him gulping harshly as he was visibly trying to restrict himself from letting his emotions completely take over his mind. Then, Caleb’s hand left you again as your own footsteps sounded dully through the air as you made your way up the stairs.
Caleb was still quietly walking next to you as you began to make your way through the house, up until the point the corners of your eyes caught him glancing over at you before the blonde rose his voice. ”Hope you slept well after that last day”, he said the small but friendly smile on his lips as your eyes met his. ”Yeah, I’m glad I could, really needed that…do you got any idea what Rick planned for my shifts?”, you asked, watching him nod quickly as he stepped closer with you towards the front door. ”Yeah, asked him ‘bout you and Eden when he let me know about this here”, Caleb said, his fingers making a small but quick gesture around the room before he glanced back at you, “The infirmary is all yours now, at least for the next week. After that or maybe a little more, he said he’ll see if he still needs Rosita at the windmill or if he maybe already knows more about Siddiq and Maggie’s Baby.” ”Okay- Thanks for asking”, you said, feeling for a short moment a bit uneasy thinking about having the full responsibility at the infirmary, before your mind tried to push the positive arguments into the spotlight. After all, you liked the work there and a fight with Tara that was followed by one fucked up day shouldn’t take all confidence away from you. You had to do better now, of course you did, and that you’d lie to say it wasn’t putting pressure on you, but on the other side, maybe you could prove yourself as well. If you thought this way about it, Rick was finally trusting you to take the lead there and that was an achievement you knew you should acknowledge and maybe even be proud of.
”See you later then”, Caleb said as you found yourself back outside, feeling how the chilly air was trying to sneak beneath your warm leather jacket to conquer your body. ”Yeah, see you later”, you responded with a small smile before you turned on your heels, leaving Negan’s new guard behind, while the thought of his influence on Negan’s odd behavior pushed a whole other set of thoughts into your head that decided to accompany you on your way to the infirmary and stay swinging here and there into your mind even after your shift had begun.
The bedsprings squeaked softly as Negan shifted uneasily over the mattress, trying to get comfortable on the cheap thing that just contributed some more to his already shitty mood that was just getting worse with each moment his tired mind was torturing him more with thoughts he would like to smash with his Lucille into teeny tiny pieces. But his beloved weapon wasn’t there with him, instead she was laying somewhere in a pitch dark closet in the armory, wasting away next to some shit guns or some of these awful spears the Hilltop had also sent to the Sanctuary in the past. And just like his bat wasn’t there, his girl wasn’t with him as well. He had always thought nights would be the worst part for prisoners, when everything was dark, everything was dead quiet and you were all on your own with your thoughts. But shit, was he wrong. The nights were the best part of this whole damn mess, in the nights, she was there, made him feel human and very often, as if he wasn’t stuck in this hell hole. The days on the other side, they were a pain in the ass. He was alone, but he could sometimes hear the people outside through the thick glass windows behind the metal bars. He couldn’t hear conversations, or even clear words, but he heard that there was something. He could hear a bit of what he was missing and each time he heard a sound outside, it reminded him that he wasn’t part of anything anymore, no leader, not even a fucking simple man walking along others but that a fucking locked up prisoner instead. It ate him up, almost drove him crazy and he could swear that if he wouldn’t have these nights with her, he’d be a lost man.
Crunching his teeth he leaned his back against the stone wall, feeling the cold that was radiating from it pressing through the fabric of his prison suit. But the coldness wasn’t the thing that was bothering him right now, at least not this kind of coldness. It was another one, the one that was making his thoughts even worse, the one that was caused by his new guard. The thought that this fucker had been the one to be there for his girl when the last day had turned into a living nightmare, the thought that this fucker was holding power over him with this shitty little key that was getting comfy in his pants and the memory of how this fucker had looked at her, first this morning when she had still been sleeping, then later, when she had left him, yes, those things were driving him wild. Negan trusted her when she said he was just someone she was seeing as a friend, but he was sure that she was wrong with saying this kind of view was mutual. Before this morning, there had been a small part of him to doubt it, to tell himself that he was allowing his mind to play games with him, but after those early hours, even that part was gone. He didn’t just see her as a friend, not at fucking all. He knew the kind of glance that fucker was gazing at her with. If he could, he’d tear the fucking clothes piece by piece off her body and devour her for hours. Only the damn thought was giving him chills of the worst fucking kind. And exactly this guy, this fucking asshole was out there with her. He wasn’t working with her anymore, that was the only good thing about this guard change, but he could be there with her whenever his shift was over, whenever he had a fucking break, whenever he felt like it. All beneath the fig-leaf of being the friendly fucking guy. The friendly fucking guy who was free as a damn bird and could give her things he couldn’t.
A shiver rumbled through Negan’s body, letting him shake as he squeezed his eyes just and clenched his jaw tightly, cursing about his own sorry ass as he was trying to keep the toxic thoughts from taking over the last bit of his mind they hadn’t attacked yet. They were mixing with the deep rooted fear of losing her and the thoughts he’d already had last night that were just as horrible as the ones now. And they were forming into an army, determined to take him down.
Judging from the way the shadowy lines of the metal bars fell onto the cement floor of his cell, it was about midday and only a few hours had passed since he was alone, so they were way more to come until he’d have her back. Way more of those lonely hours that gave enough space for those thoughts to attack again and again, and even though he liked to believe hat he was strong enough to make a stand against them, deep down he knew that his would be one hell of a battle, one he might lose.
A sudden thud let him flinch up and ripped him out of the cocoon the thoughts had spun around him, letting his eyes snap towards the cell’s door and capture the cause of the terror in his head, slipping his abstemious food through the gap at the bottom. “Here’s your lunch”, the blonde grumbled, standing straight up again before an urge in Negan let him swing his legs from the bed and pushed him to step closer to the metallic gate. Usually, when Roger or one of the other guards brought food, he just kept laying on the bed till they were gone, mostly cracking some joke or little speech just to have his fun by annoying them a little. Just like he had done it this morning with guard whose name he always forgot while that blonde fucker had probably taken a break or something. But this time was different. This time he stepped closer, feeling the rough surface of the cement pressing against the bare sole of his feet while the younger man’s eyes wandered with slight irritant over him. “Aren’t you ordered to stay back during the meal exchanges too?”, the blonde asked, something swinging in his that just pissed Negan off for fuck knows why and combined with a certain firmness. He seemed to grow more confident, seemed to settle his damn ass down in the position of power he was holding over him and seemed to slowly leave the damn school boy uneasiness and nervousness from this morning behind. But maybe, maybe it just needed a bit to push him right back there. “Nah, I’m not”, Negan grumbled back, feeling every muscle of his body tense as he stepped closer until only the cold metal bars were separating him from this fucker. “Why? You’re scared? Pissing your pants that I could attack you through this thing here?”, Negan asked, his eyes narrowing with each word while a dangerous grin was dancing over his lips, eliciting the wished irritation and if he was right, even a bit of fear in his opponents eyes. “No, I’m not, just want you to follow the rules”, he said, in a firm but calm tone, that calm that it drove Negan crazy and that calm that he almost felt like he was mocking and haunting him with his own and now pretty much dead rule-policy, “Since I don’t think you wanna break them and have some consequences following that.” Oh he wished to, he wished to fucking break them, break those shitty metal bars just along with them, lunge at him and shove the damn plate right down that fuckers throat or better, up his sorry ass. And that’d just be the beginning. But he couldn’t do that, this shit wasn’t just about him, no matter what. “Course not”, Negan growled as he stepped even closer, his tongue sneaking out to wet his bottom lip slowly before he was forcing the younger man to keep the eye contact, ready to change the roles again, turn him into the predator again and the blonde asshole into the prey. He was gonna use this opportunity, hell yes he was gonna do that. “’Cause I know the first thing Rick the little prick would take away from me as a damn punishment would be my girl and I can’t have that…no fucking one gets to do that”, the dangerous drawl was echoing through his voice, his eyes still locking with the man behind the bars, capturing how the other’s brain began to work on those words, just enough for Negan to back away. “So nope, I won’t break those little shitty rules of yours. So you can loosen your bodice and take a few fucking deep breaths, I won’t attack you through those metal bar shit here”, he chuckled darkly, bowing down to grab the plate of food, lacing his fingers around the porcelain edges before he got his back straight again. He looked one last time into the glance of the man who was eying him up and down, trying unsuccessfully to estimate him, and even though it was pleasing in its own kind of way, it didn’t give him the satisfaction and reassurance Negan was yearning for. That guy was still a massive threat. “Good”, Caleb just responded, his voice firm as he nodded slowly almost if that was it before a rush of confidence seemed to wash over him , “Pretty sure she would want that too.” The tone wasn’t advsing not as kind as the fucking smile that fucker was giving his girl anytime she looked his way, it had a kind of teasing tension swinging in it that let Negan’s eyes flare up in combination with her mentioning. “What the hell do you know ‘bout that”, it blustered dangerously out of him, his grip tightening around the plate as a pinch of fear slashed through the other’s eyes before he squared up again, as if he was pushing himself to make a stand. “At least enough to know that she can need someone who’s by her side in this….and who doesn’t give her more stuff to worry about”, the voice of the blonde was calm but quieter than before, almost as if he was surprised himself that he was speaking those words out but right now, Negan didn’t give a shit about that. The only thing he could wrap his mind around was the anger that was boiling up in him, the anger that wanted to rip the head of this fucker, but instead the aching pain that was giving the anger company was pushing him in a shock trance, enough for the guard the give him another short glance before he turned away and stepped out of his view and closer towards the stairs. With a deep huff, Negan turned around, still somehow paralyzed and shuffling with his food towards the cheap bed again while he finally heard the descending footsteps echoing through the staircase until they had hushed completely. They were leaving him alone with the thoughts that were slipping back into his mind, whirling up with the brooding anger the encounter had brought into his body into a tornado that was rushing through each of his cells, back on their way to let his concerns grow.
The wind was brushing softly over your face as you made your way down the street, finishing a day that had been a holiday compared to the past one. You had started tensed up, with the pressure hiding in the back of your head that you couldn’t fuck up again, but with each passing minute you had tried to let yourself be lead by what Negan had told you. And it had worked. You had been a little nervous at first, could feel your hands trembling slightly when you were treating your first patient of the day but after that everything seemed to fall more and more in line, until you got back to the usual agenda. The very only thing that had brought you a little concern was still the thought of Negan’s reaction to Caleb this morning, or even more how the next days with him as his new guard would turn out until Roger would take over again.
And this concern got back up into your head as soon as you headed towards the brownstones and caught Caleb sitting on a chair in front of the main entrance, stretching his legs out and spinning the small silver keys in between his fingers before he glanced up and captured your eyes. Within seconds the usual friendly smile grew on his lips as he heft himself up from the wooden chair and watched you stepping closer, greeting him as soon as you were close enough. “How was your shift? Better than yesterday?”, Caleb asked as he opened the heavy door, allowing you to slip inside before joining you and letting the entrance fall shut again. “Yeah, way better. Yours?”, you asked, not only to be kind, but also to find out if anything had happened between Negan and him, even if it was just a bunch more of snarky remarks. “Now that’s great to hear. Mine was fine, pretty different from the work at the crops, but I mean, it’s just for now and they’re just a couple shifts a day. I’ll get used to it”, he said, his voice was filled with ease, but it wasn’t giving you all the information you wished for. “And I just got back. Miles had the other shift till a half hour ago so I’m all fresh for the night”, Caleb added with a small chuckle, leading you through another room closer towards the staircase before he grabbed the handle of the door last door keeping you from it and gradually opened it. “Gonna be a long one and I’m still not all inured with working in the night as well but I mean, I can’t complain, not after the stuff you had going on yesterday”, he added as he glanced for a short moment at you. “It’s fine”, you just replied with a small smile, seeing how he glanced at you for one more moment before he rose his voice again. “Yeah, still. Just glad it worked out today for you”, he said with another kind smile before strolling down the first steps, followed by you as you made your way down.
Moments later you were able to step in front of the metal door and glance inside the cell, catching Negan’s figure that was already slightly enlightened by the petroleum lamp beside his bed and the last bit of light the windows were allowing to stream into the cell. His eyes lit up for a moment as he caught your glance, his lips curling softly up before his glance got more concentrated again as it switched to the blonde man who was getting closer towards the door until he could slid the keys inside the lock. With a click the door sprung open as Caleb turned around to you and slowly opened the door. “Well then, till tomorrow morning I guess”, he said, pressing a small smile into the corners of his lips before you gave him a small nod and stepped closer towards the entrance. “Yeah, till tomorrow”, you said, your voice friendly as you slipped inside and heard how the door closed as slowly as it had opened, with creaking noises of strained metal until the sound of the lock reechoed.
Just as you heard descending footsteps and your glance was about to wander back towards the cell’s bed, strong hands cupped your jaw, fingers slid into your hair and pulled you into against warm lips that captures yours immediately in a deep kiss. A deep kiss that was growing more desperate with each second, with each caress of his lips over yours, with each bit he pulled you closer and let your mind shut down for a few moments until he had taken all your breath. Even when you were catching your breath with trembling lips, his own were still hovering over yours and his hands were still keeping your face close to his while his chest rose and fell strongly against your body. Before your mind could even fully come back, could ask him if he was fine, if this had to mean anything, his deep drawl vibrated against your lips. “Fuck…I need you, Baby. Now”, even though his voice had this dominant and deep drawl swinging in it, it was still just as desperate as his kiss and just as desperate as the next one he was pressing to your lips as his hands wandered down your body, tugging on the lapel of your jacket until he could push it down your arms. You were longing for him, of course you were but something about this wasn’t letting you go. It was by far not the first time for him to surprise you with this kind of greeting, but this time was different and you were about a hundred percent sure that you knew the reason why. “Negan?”, you mumbled as soon as he caught breath for the first time after letting your jacket fall with a dull thud to the ground, immediately letting his eyes snap to yours. “Yeah, Sweetheart?”, he asked, his fingers already brushing over the end of your shirt, caressing the bare skin of your stomach and hips. “You’re okay?”, you asked, his eyes escaping yours to wander over the cold stone for a second before your hands ran up his prison suit until they cupped the back of his neck. “Negan?”, you asked, concern swinging in your voice that let his eyes switch over to you until his hazel orbs locked with yours. “’Course I am”, he said, his voice a little to confident, the smirk that was beginning to grow on his lips a little too bright,”You’re here with me again. I’m fucking thriving.” With that his lips pressed on yours once more but quickly left your skin again as soon as he felt the restricted way you responded, not believing him yet. “Don’t worry, Baby”, he grumbled against your lips, pecking them softly as his arms wrapped tighter around your body. You glanced up into his hazel eyes, knowing that there definitely wasn’t everything fine. But just as his lips caressed longingly over yours again, a part of you thought that maybe he needed this right now, maybe he needed to blow off some steam this way and get his mind finally off the things that were buzzing through it, maybe so you could properly talk to him after it. For one more moment you hesitated, before this part of you and the longing for him you felt yourself brought you to respond to his kiss and allow you to melt into him.
Just as you had kicked off your boots, you already felt him guiding you towards the bed until your back hit the mattress and you felt him climbing on top of you, settling in between your legs while his arms were securely caging you within his warm embrace. Slowly, your fingers fumbled on his shirt, unbuttoning the steel blue top of his prison suit until you could brush it off his shoulders and let your fingers trace along his sides, down his back until you could rest your fingertips just above the waistband of his pants. It took only moments for him to brush your shirt off too, beginning to fondle your body as soon as the fabric hit the floor, kissing and nibbling down your neck and your collarbones before capturing your lips again, letting more heat pool within your body’s middle. His hands were wandering south, fumbling on the zipper of your pants until you raised your hips slightly, allowing him to pull them down as his lips left yours for a moment, right before they crashed back onto them as soon as just your underwear was left on your heated body. You could feel his weight beginning to press in on you again, feel his warm skin right against yours as his hands wandered down until they could grab your thighs, let his rough fingertips dig into your skin to press you closer and harder against him. Humming and softly moaning into the kiss you wrapped your legs around his hips as the heat in your body grew more, letting you feel how it was turning your panties into a wet mess. You were enjoying to feel him closer with each second, each minute, with each touch and each kiss while you allowed yourself to begin to lose yourself in him. But only up until the point where you felt that this wasn’t happening to him, not as it always happened. He wasn’t melting against you, wasn’t sinking into the kisses, wasn’t letting those little satisfied growls rumble through his chest and wasn’t teasingly grinding himself against you. There was a certain tension stuck in him, you could feel that his thoughts weren’t letting him go, they were wrenching on him, as if they were trying to pull him away from the trance he yearned to fall into. You could feel him trying, pushing himself to get to this point he could lose himself in the kisses and touches as well. But before you could think of doing something, maybe even stopping, you felt him growing more restless, more tense before he suddenly pulled away from your kiss. His breath was heavy, his body was shivering while you could still feel his face hovering over yours as your eyes opened immediately, glancing at his tensed face. His eyes were pressed shut until they slowly opened, forming more worry in you within seconds. “Negan, what’s wrong?”, you mumbled, trying to catch his glance. You knew one of the reasons, and while you were sure there were more hidden in the dark, you needed to hear him say them, have him finally talk to you. “Noth-” “No, don’t tell me it’s nothing. I can feel that this isn’t true”, you cut him off, even though your tone was careful as your hand reached up to his jaw, trying to lead his glance towards you. And fInally, his hazel but tense orbs met yours. “Just let us go on with this, please”, he said, his glance wandering uneasily over your face as his words pressed firmly but still pleading out of his lips. “Why are you so dogged on this here now?”, you asked, feeling how desperation was beginning to course through your veins while Negan’s eyes refused to meet yours. And they still kept on doing this as he eventually stemmed himself up and leaned back, until his legs swung off the bed’s edge. His jaw was clenching tightly, the muscles in his cheek twitched and let you grow more restless as you were slowly sitting yourself up before he finally spoke up. “’Cause this”, he grumbled making a small gesture towards the bed before a harsh gulp travelled down his throat as his eyes met yours for the split of a second ,”Some damn fuck is the only fucking thing I can give you in here.” His voice was growling, frustrated and almost dangerous as a shivering breath fell from your lips as you slowly shuffled closer to him, trying to figure out how to get this bullshit thought out of his head. “That’s not true, Nega-” “Oh, it isn’t?”, harshly he spoke up, his voice still trembling underneath the sarcasm before he huffing lifted himself off the bed and grabbed the shirt of his prison suit, turning his back towards you and refusing to look at you as his fingers buttoned it up, as if he was using it to keep a wall up between the both of you. You could feel your ribcage tighten in the pain of helplessness, pressing air out of your lungs before you shuffled your shirt over your body and let your feet hit the ground as well. And just as you wanted to raise your voice again, tell him that those thoughts were all wrong, his eyes snapped towards you again and his voice echoed through the cell. “You got so fucking much waiting out there for you. Fucking anything I can’t give you in here. And that guy up there? That fucker? Oh, he’d gladly take over”, his voice was piercing, soaked in anger and desperation just like the flickering terror in his eyes. “Negan, he doesn’t-” “He fucking does. You’ve seen the way he’s looking at you? He’s eyefucking you”, Negan spat the words out, letting a deep breath fall from your lips as you could feel your own desperation and helplessness grow. “Not everybody wants to fuck me, Negan”, you said, your voice tense and harsher than you actually wanted while he shook his head, his jaw clenching while the thick vein on his neck began to swell dangerously. “Well, he certainly does”, he growled, before his voice got even more biting while pain flickered through his eyes, “And he’s gonna as soon as you wake up and see what kinda shitshow you’re stuck in if you stay with me.” His voice was booming through your head, sending shivers of pain and shock through it before your brows puckered and your body tensed up as you got out of the small shock his words had catapulted in. “Are you kidding me?”, it blustered out of you, your eyes staring in disbelief in him while more hurt feelings began to mix within your body. “No, I’m fucking not. Just another role he’s gonna fucking take over ‘cause I’m stuck in this shithole, ‘cause I can’t give you any fucking thing”, he growled, letting another shivering breath fall from your lips as your mind was in terror, completely at a loss and stuck in a cloud of pain, Trying to breath through, trying to calm the terror you grabbed your pants, shuffling them back on, hoping that this small distraction would calm you at least a tiny bit down. But of course, it didn’t. ”I don’t want him, when are you gonna finally believe that?”, you growled, desperation swinging in between your heavy breaths. ”But you wanna tell me you want this all here?! Till fuck knows when?!”, Negan’s voice was stern, yet desperate as your eyes met his again. He panted as his whole face grimaced in pain and anger, not allowing you to say anything as his loud voice continued. “You really wanna sleep forever on this crappy ass bed?! Wanna live half of your damn fucking day-…life as a prisoner fuck too?!”, his voice got louder, booming and restless, his whole body was filled with suspense while yours got filled with more pain, as there was only a small part of your mind left that pushed the thought that only his desperation was making him say those things and blow up this way. But this small part vanished and got instead replaced with more pain and even frustration as you saw him pacing like a wild animal through the room, filling up with more anger. “Yeah”, you brought out, your own stubborn head pushing it while Negan didn’t seem to hear you, instead he grew even more tense, with the vein on his neck pulsing harshly and with horror written all over his face. His eyes turned dark, a deep humorless chuckle fell from his lips before his brows puckered and the frown spread over his features again, combining with his biting voice. “Oh wait, this all is gonna be just fine, right? Bet we’re gonna have some nice fucking candle light shit dinner, with that fucking petroleum shit lamp and that plate of crap food they’re feeding me”, he called sarcastically out his foot pushing enough against the empty plate to let it rush a few inches against the wall, not enough force behind it to break it but enough to let the sound of its encounter echo horribly through the cell. Flinching up you felt the pain of his words letting a lump in your throat grow while Negan stared panting at the plate, seemingly being ripped out of his rage by the stinging sound. His shoulders rose and fell at a restless pace, his lips gaped only enough open to let his heavy breaths escape while the rest of his body tensed and trembled harder. You tried to grasp the last chance to collect yourself, to not fully lose control but before you could start another try, maybe even get the threateningly growing lump out of your throat you heard his voice again. This time it wasn’t loud and not booming at all, instead the pain got more audible next to the firmness and growling that was still stuck in it. ”You’ll leave. Earlier or later you’ll leave”, those words felt like they knocked you to the ground as thousands of knifes seemed to gore their blade into your skin, wrenching and pulling your flesh apart. “Just a matter of time till you got enough of this.” Was he really thinking that? After you’ve been through hell and back with him? And if so, how could he believe that? How could he think that little of you? How could he think that you were that shallow that you’d just give him up, give what you both have up simply and only because of this cell? You could finally feel the lump in your throat winning the fight it had with you, pushing burning tears into your eyes, tears of disappointment, anger and even more pain before your lips brought out the question itself. “Do you really think that?, you asked, your voice strained and weak but with a stern and biting tone that was caused by the anger in your body that was the only thing keeping your voice steady. “Negan, I’ve seen you bleed out. You were almost dying in my arms…I’ve had you laying half dead and unconscious for fucking days in front of me-”, you brought out, feeling how the tears in your eyes urged their way forward and cut you off. “After all that, you really think I’ll leave just because you’re in here? You think that little of me?!”, you added, feeling how your feelings of pain were completely taking over while Negan’s glance fell for the first time since his last words on them again. And just as you casted your watery eyes down, could feel how the tears began to roll over your cheeks, the corners of your eyes seemed to catch how his face dropped in terror. A shivering breath feel from your lips as your body and mind begin to give up completely to the whirlwind of horror and emotions that was raging within them before you suddenly flinched up as you heard the sound of fast footsteps rushing down the stairs. Your eyes snapped towards the door, catching Caleb’s eyes looking with pure concern at you before they shot towards Negan as his voice echoed through the cell. “What the hell do you want here?” “Make sure you won’t hurt anyone”, Caleb’s voice was resentful and tensed, as much as you had never even thought he was capable of. “I wouldn’t harm a single hair on her head”, Negan’s voice growled, the anger audibly beginning to boil back up again,”I wouldn’t ever fucking hurt her.” “Looks to me like you already did. One way or another”, Caleb said with a dangerous calmness mixed into his voice you were sure would drive Negan even more wild. Even though you tried to stop it and whipped them off your skin, more tears rolled down your cheeks, as if your emotions were stuck in a barrel that was flowing over and over again. “Now get back to the bed”, the tensed voice of the guard said as you first glanced up and brushed the tears off your face once more, catching the furious glance that was beginning to settle in Negan’s eyes as they gored through Caleb. Without breaking eye contact with Negan he reached towards the gun, letting your breath hitch as he rested it on the holster and gave Negan a warning glare. A deep scoff left Negan’s lips as you could feel his glance brushing over you for a moment, before he gave in, nodded and walked tensely back to the bed. As soon as the bedsprings squeaked beneath his weight, you heard the metallic sound of the keys sliding into the lock before they turned and let the door spring open. Your eyes lifted from the ground again, catching Negan’s glance brushing over you, something that seemed like worry and regret trying to break through the mask of anger and pain on his face while you gulped harshly down. “I’ll come back when you’ve calmed down”, just left your lips without thinking much about it, it just slipped out of them, broken and quiet, knowing that you needed your space after whatever the hell had happened in this night.
“Come here”, you heard Caleb mumble as you eventually slipped through the gap after you had grabbed your boots and your jacket, digging your fingers into their fabrics at if it could ease your tension. Just as you were stepping through it you were feeling next to filled up with emotions, awfully empty as well as the person you had usually leaned on when you experienced this kind of mess was now the one that had caused it. A trembling breath fell from your lips as you could feel Caleb’s hand placing on your back trying to guide and maybe even soothe you before you heard Negan’s voice a last time. “Get your fucking hands off her”, it echoed through the cell, your eyes went up in a glare to meet his for a last time before you stepped up the stairs.
“You’re okay?”, you heard Caleb ask as soon as you stood outside the door, fresh and chilly night air filling your lungs and hitting your skin while it gave you a little hope that it might be able to soothe your suspense filled body. ”Sorry, I know that’s not the best question right now, I just wanna know”, he mumbled as you looked up and shuffled into your boots, gulping harshly as you tried to get yourself in order. “I’ll be fine”, you mumbled slightly sniffling, more hoping for it than actually knowing it while you brushed the leather of your jacket over your arms, hoping that its comfortable and familiar feeling might calm you a little. “Hmm?”, you heard him murmur as he held out a bit scrunched but new tissue out to you, raising his brows softly. “Thanks”, you mumbled with a strained and battled voice, taking the tissue and bringing it down over your cheeks to get the last tears off of them before new would earlier or later stream over them again. “Hey, you want me to get you back to Rick’s house? Not sure if walking alone’s the best thing for you now”, Caleb mumbled, as you let out a deep breath, trying to rally yourself before you slowly shook your head. It was already an odd feeling for you that he had seen you this vulnerable, and even though you were grateful, you needed nothing else than be on your own. “Think I need that right now, be alone for a bit…but thank you anyway.” You bit your lips, scrunched the tissue inbetween your fingers like one of those stress balls while Caleb slowly nodded, the worry still stuck in his eyes. “You deserve more than what happened down there, you know that, right?”, he brought out, his glance meeting yours again in the faint light of the street lamps. You weren’t gonna answer this, you were way too rilled up right now, your body was still all tense while the pain let an awful nausea wash over you again and again and besides that, this or anything else regarding Negan wasn’t something you were gonna discuss with him. No matter how confused, hurt and mad you were about him right now. “I just need to go home now…”, you mumbled instead, still feeling how the remains of the lump in your throat were making it hard for you to talk without sounding like miserable little thing. “Okay…but if there’s something I can do…you know where you can find me”, he said, leaning a little closer until you glanced up at him as he was trying to press a tiny uplifting smile into the corners of his lips, even though it got massively overshadowed by the concern that was still keeping his face hostage. “Thanks..”, you just mumbled back, trying to let your lips that were still slightly swollen from Negan’s kisses form into a grateful smile before you breathed through, “See you around then.” “Yeah, see you around”, Caleb said, gulping as his eyes wandered one last time over your face before you gave him a small nod and turned around, feeling the stones crunch beneath your shoe’s soles as you began to make your way down the dark road.
Darkness around you, darkness within you. It seemed like there was nothing else but this darkness, trying to eat you up while you felt how tears began to roll down your face and whimpers left your lips, threatening to form into sobs as soon as you were out of earshot. Pressing your trembling hand on your mouth you tried to silence your louder becoming whimpers, scared that someone could see or hear you this way. You felt alone, completely alone for the first time in a really long while. You’d lost any of your old friends and Daryl and now? Had you lost Negan now too? Or were you on a way for this to happen? Did he think over all this time differently about you and your relationship than you had thought? Did he really think you’d just choose Caleb or anybody else over him just because they weren’t imprisoned? Or was he just scared and did this fear let him lash out or were you only trying to tell that yourself to not face the ugly truth? You didn’t know. It was like nothing in your head was working anymore, stuffed too full with emotions and thoughts to function at all. Everything in Rick’s house, your old and maybe now new home was dark when you finally felt the porch’s steps sinking a little in beneath your weight as you shuffled up the stairs. The last thing you wanted was for them to see you this way and to immediately know the cause. They’d know earlier enough, at the latest when they’d find out that you had been sleeping in the house. Pain was still twitching through your every cell as you sneaked as quietly as you could up through the house, up the stairs, down the hallway until the door of your room shut as quietly as you could behind yourself. Moments later, only with your boots kicked to the ground and your leather jacket falling next to it on the carpet, your body hit the mattress of the bed, your face pressed into the several pillows and your hands fisted soft blankets as if they could give you any hold as new shocks of whimpers and pain rushed through you. But they couldn’t soothe you, those soft blankets, comfy pillows and this giant bed, not like Negan’s arms usually did when things went south. That was the thing about this all, the thing Negan didn’t seem to get…maybe didn’t want to get. Those comfort necessaries were nice and cozy and you did like them but you’d switch them without bating an eyelash out for his embrace, no matter if it was on a squeaking and cold mattress on a cheap bed in a dark cell or not. You would return, just as you had said it, but the thought of it or its possible outcome let piercing pain and fear eat up, let the darkness around you lull you into its terrifying and nightmare-promising depths while the last tears rolled over your burning cheeks before your mind and body gave in and let you dive into the darkness.
Summary: While Negan has to bear up in his cell, someone else comes to the reader’s aid as she faces a hard day full of frustration and stirs with that the fire within him that he might lose what matters the most to him
Warning: just some light smut in the end, jealous Negan (and that’s no warning but there’s a little bit from Negan’s pov for the first time)
“Negan, no", you squirmed with a laugh, feeling how he brushed his fingertips over your side once again as your body’s shifts let the cell’s bed squeak slightly under both of your weights ,” That’s not fair.” “Fair’s fucking boring”, Negan grumbled with a throaty chuckle against your skin as he buried his face into the curve of your neck and wrapped his strong arms closer around your body to keep your back pressed against his warm chest. Caressing his lips over the sensitive skin on the side of your neck, he let you hum in approval right before another choked out laugh erupted your body and made you wriggle your body within his embrace once again. “Oh come on”, you complained with a chuckle out, just to feel Negan’s lips pressing in against your skin once again. “Mhmm you poor thing”, he grumbled lowly, before another chuckle let his firm chest rumble against your back as he started a new try to torture you with his touch and made your legs twitch against his. “Negan, I swear you’ll make me kick you in your damn balls”, you laughed, squirming as Negan stroke one more time over your side and pressed another kiss to your neck while his salt and pepper stubble tickled your skin. “As long as you take some good care of them later…”, Negan teasingly chuckled, shrugging his shoulders slightly against your body before you nudged his side with your elbow and slowly turned around in his arms to face him. “Just wait, I’ll find your ticklish spots too…earlier or later”, you grumbled into the steel blue prisoner suit that was hugging his broad shoulders, while Negan’s body vibrated with a chuckle against your body. “Go ahead, you got-”, with that he loosened his grasp a little on you to turn around and get a glimpse of the small digital clock that had found itself for the sake of your shifts to the cement ground of the cell by now, “-three minutes to undress your man and run your pretty hands all over him till you gotta head out.” Negan snickered, looking back at you as he gave you a wolfish wink before you playfully shoved his chest and leaned up to peck your lips. “Bet that man can’t hold himself back and makes me come in late”, you grumbled against his lips that were curled up into a wide grin while his large hand gave your waist a small, teasing squeeze. “Just the truth”, you chuckled, cuddling a little closer to his tall frame. “Mhmm yeah”, Negan grumbled before his grin grew a little wider, “But tonight?” His roguish glance was capturing yours as his tongue ran over his bottom lip until it got caught between his pearly whites, “Yes, tonight.”
A chilly breeze was filling Alexandria’s streets, sending cool shivers down your spine that couldn’t even be fought by the midday sun that was by now rising above the Safe zone as you made your way to your shift at the infirmary. Your stint at the crops had been more stressful than usual, Molly and Seth had been pulled from their work to join the group that began to work on a windmill, just one of the projects Rick was planning to start with the help of the book those stranger’s had given to Maggie. The streets looked a little more filled than usual, everybody seemed to be excited about the new step that appeared more like the new beginning Rick had promised than just the rebuilding of the damaged houses that seemed to rather have a bittersweet undertone swinging within.
When you arrived at the infirmary, Rosita was already gone, like most of the times, trying to avoid you by any costs and as you found a note reading that she had already left a good bit earlier than usual to help at the windmill, you were actually surprised that she had bothered to let you know. Except for scant ‘Hello’s’, you probably hadn’t even talked more than five proper sentences with her since you were back, and all of them had only been about patients and meds that needed to be refilled. With a small huff you shoved your jacket off your body and quickly hung it up before taking a look at list with the long-treatment patients Siddiq had left behind when he had switched for Maggie’s pregnancy to the hilltop. Your eyes ran quickly over it, trying to unravel his messy handwriting to find out who would come in today to get a new load of meds for the next bit of time. It was just one but as your glance wandered further a small shiver shook through your body as you found Gabriel’s name on the list that was sorted in for some time within the next week and you already grew a little restless by the thought of meeting him again. You had only seen him from afar, walking towards his destroyed church when you had been outside at the crops, and it hadn’t been more than a couple of times but the ones you had had always brought up the hours you had spent at the Sanctuary’s infirmary along with Carson, trying to help him while he was finding step by step more out about the relationship you had with Negan. Gulping you laid the list back down and looked outside, watching a group of six men and women carrying large planks of wood that had to be for the new project at the other side of Alexandria.
The sudden creaking of the opening front door made you flinch, urging your glance from the people outside to your left and right into dark eyes that looked bewildered at you before they narrowed dangerously within the split of a second.
”Where’s Rosita?”, Tara’s voice tensely asked, your glance wandering from her glaring eyes to her hand that was clutching her lower arm, blood leaking through the gaps her fingers couldn’t close. ”Already at the windmill”, you scantly said, catching how her eyes narrowed some more as she let out a strained huff and clutched her arm tighter. ”But I can take care of that too”, you said, just as scantly as before while you could feel yourself growing more tense with every passing second she was standing there in the door frame, glaring at you. “Yeah, sure” she just scoffed with a bittersweet chuckle, a provoking tone swinging widely in her voice as she shook her head slightly while you could feel how anger began to pool within yourself. She was doing it again, treating you as if you were worth shit, just like she had done it that day at the Sanctuary. You had put up with it back then but the anger and frustration had stayed lingering deep inside you and now, you were done with it. ”Listen, whatever the hell you got there seems pretty bad. So either you let me do my damn job now or you patch yourself up. But don’t complain if it gets infected”, it blustered out of you, your harsh tone not only surprising yourself a little bit but rather giving you more satisfaction. For sure, this wasn’t the perfect way to react to this, not in your position in the infirmary, but you’ve been acting levelheaded towards her for long enough. Right now, you didn’t care if this was right or wrong. Tara’s glare intensified and only got interrupted by some suppressed winces as she tightened her grasp on her arm to keep more blood from flowing out of her open wound. ”I can do it myself”, she eventually growled, stepping away from the doorframe and into the infirmary. Just as you saw her heading confidently towards the drawers, clearly intending to get her the things she needed herself you stepped forward and let your hands slip in between the drawers, pulling out bandages and disinfection liquids. If she wanted to do it herself, so be it, but this was still your workplace, and you weren’t gonna let her rummage wildly in the drawers or play the boss, like she had done it at the Sanctuary, at a place where you were feeling oppositely to most spots in Alexandria at least relatively confident and in charge. Maybe this was a bit childish, maybe not, but just as little as you cared about if this was right you cared about that right now. ”Here”, you just growled, shoving the utensils over the wooden counters and towards her until she could reach them. Within moments you heard the echoing sounds of water pelting into the sink as you caught from the corner of your eyes how she began to cautiously clean the long cut on her arm up. You let out a strained breath and moved towards another shelf on the other side of the room, trying to keep yourself occupied to be distracted from the growing frustration that was coiling within your body. You were used to that people treated you with caution here, asked for Rosita first and often watched every step you made, every move you did on them, and even though it always gave you a little sting to see their wary glance, no one had denied to be taken care of by you until now. Actually, you seemed to gain a little more trust of them with each day, with every time someone got satisfied out of the infirmary and maybe told others that you weren’t as horrible as most of them thought after your relationship with Negan made a circuit. It were baby steps, teeny tiny baby steps but they counted. And as much as they counted as much bothered it you that Tara now threatened to destroy a bit of the confidence you had built up.
The thuds of the utensils and Tara’s more or less successful tries to patch herself up sounded through the infirmary as you rummaged in the shelfs, folding up some sheets for the patients beds that must have been brought here in the morning. Each of her thudding sounds annoyed you, reminding you of the situation you were stuck in until another one accompanied them as she suddenly shrieked painfully out and let your glance from the white sheets shoot to her bleeding arm. You couldn’t see what exactly she had done to hurt herself more than she already was, but judging by the way she was holding her arm with a face grimacing in agony, strained breathes leaving her lips and the utensils sprawled out around her on the counter, her tries to treat herself had been worse than you had thought. You gulped, seeing the deep red blood flowing in lines down her arm before her glance caught yours and shot you a venomous glare. ”What the hell are you looking at?”, she growled squirming slightly and with her voice filled with utter frustration as you just let out a huff and turned back to the sheets. ”Oh right, you think you can do this better and hey, you probably do but you know what, (Y/N)? I’d rather fucking stab myself than let you do anything for me”, she snapped just as you were about to face your work again but instead glanced up and caught her glare darting right at you. Your lips parted and an urge in you wanted to say something in response to the frustration and anger that was whirling up in you but instead you just shook your head in disbelief, being held back by the last little stings of self-control that were pulling strained on you. Just as you were facing the sheets again and tried to gulp down your grudge another knock let you flinch slightly, now instead of leading your glance to Tara, to the door where a blonde woman stood and glanced confused between the both of you. ”Do we have to treat ourselves?”, she asked, a bit nervousness swinging in her voice as you let a heavy breath fall from your lips, feeling how the frustration was acting up again as you slowly shook your head. ”No, as long as you’re okay with being me doing it, I’ll take care of you”, you said with a small smile towards the woman while your voice was calm but with enough sharpness swinging in your tone to let Tara shoot you another venomous glare. ”Alright, yeah”, the woman nodded, a bit relief falling into her tone as she stepped into the infirmary and finally got you the job back you were actually supposed to do. But you were riled up, and much to your annoyance, that was showing as soon as you began to take care of the woman’s complains. Your hands were hasty, boorish even, your whole body was tensed, your head was somewhere else than where it was supposed to be and it didn’t even ebb down after Tara finally left the infirmary, accompanied by a poorly looking bandage around her arm that made you wonder for a short moment how the hell it was staying on.
And it went on just like this, you needed several attempts to get bandaids and bandages right, gave the long term patient at first the wrong bundle of meds, found yourself letting salves and tablets fall repeatedly to the ground when you were trying to sort them back into the drawer and finally, almost hurt a patient’s wound more with your hands that just didn’t want to stay under your control.
Cursing you found yourself pacing through the infirmary after you had just seen off your latest patient, feeling how you were about to turn into a grumpy mess, mad and upset about yourself and the incident that had caused all this, as you were picking up the trash the treatment had created. A heavy breath was falling from your lips as you gulped harshly before your eyes glanced from the pieces of bandage in your hands to the slim diamond bracelet that was softly dangling from your wrist, marked a little from the work and anything you had gone through since Negan had given it to you. For a moment your eyes stayed fixed on it, knowing that you’d give a whole lot to just sink into his arms right now, shut your eyes and let him hold you for a while until the whirlwind of emotions in you would calm down again. Taking a deep breath you glanced up again and rushed around the corner of the counters before a stinging pain suddenly shot through from your toe up your leg and filled your body out within seconds. “Fuck!”, you called growling out, watching how your foot rushed in pain away from the corner it had just bumped into while the sting seemed to become worse with every single passing second. “Fucking crap”, you scoffed squirming out, grimacing in pain as you leaned yourself against the counter, trying to stay there until the sting had ebbed away. “Shit, you’re okay?”, a familiar voice made your eyes shoot up and let them glance into glaucous eyes that were darting with concern right back at you from the other side of the room. “Yeah”, you said, nodding and pushing yourself away from the counter to stand right back up while your glance brushed over Caleb standing in the doorframe, holding a small paperbag in his hands. “Just bumped my toe”, you added with a small and a little embarrassed chuckle before you nodded to the blonde man who was just walking into the infirmary and closed the door behind himself. “You’re hurt?”, you asked, glancing up and down on him to find any possible injuries before he began to shake his head as he glanced back up at you. “No, I’m fine. Gotta take another break from the crops ‘cause the Hilltop’s bringing new supplies…and they brought this too”, he said, lifting the paperbag in his hand a little up as he stepped closer,”We all didn’t really have a lunch break today so I figured you could use some. We already had one at the crops, so this is all yours.” With that he laid the bag right in front of you on the counter, giving you a friendly smile as he nodded for you to open it. You glanced down, letting your fingers gape the opening wider until you could glance inside and glimpse at the self baked sweet bun from the Hilltop you could remember them giving to Alexandria already at the very first supply handover. ”Thank you”, you said, giving him a smile as you felt a little ease washing through your body before it brought out the hunger you had suppressed thanks to the stress. And with that the suspense was right back in your body. “Everything alright? I mean, except for that toe”, Caleb asked with a sympathetic chuckle, leading your eyes back up to him as he turned a little more serious ,”You’re kinda tense.” An exhaling breath fell from your lips, weighing out the possibilities whether he would believe a poor excuse of yours or not. “Yes, I just-”, you began, gulping slightly as your eyes roamed over the infirmary before they met his again, realizing that there was no going back. “It’s that obvious?”, you asked with small and a little helpless chuckle as you propped yourself against the counter and eyed him. “Mhmm”, he said, nodding as he gave you another small smile as if he was trying to motivate you to go on. You let out a sigh, glancing for a moment outside to a few people who were carrying new supplies towards the houses and gave yourself a little push. “Just a bit frustrated…Tara and I-”, you said, stopping to look up to him ,”Kinda came to blows.” “Since then everything goes pretty much downhill here”, you added, another sigh falling from your lips while you tried to keep the little smile on your face where it was, to seem a little less of the mess you actually were. “Looks fine here as much as I can tell”, Caleb said with an uplifting smile, propping himself slightly against the edge of the wooden counter and ran a hand over the slight stubble that was covering his jaw. “Well, now”, you mumbled with a small and a little nervous chuckle as you made a quick hand gesture around the room that was except for the both of you empty of any patients, “I fucked up some things I really shouldn’t have fucked up.” Your eyes wandered from Caleb through the room, a bit restless and uneasy before you suddenly heard his voice leading you right back to his eyes as he was gesturing toward the paperbag on the counter. ”How about you eat something and then everything might look a little better”, Caleb said with another friendly smile dancing over his lips as he nudged the paperbag a little closer towards you “At least that always helps me.”
After realizing rather quickly that he was actually being right, you found yourself sitting at the table right next to one of the large windows in the infirmary, eating the sweet bun that was slowly stilling your hunger. Caleb had let him fall right on the chair towards you and after trying to light your mood a little more and cheer you up, he was now fumbling on his walkie and was talking to his sister, trying to find out when the Hilltop would finish bringing new seedlings to the crops and they could start to work again. “I’ll just tell you when I get new information”, the voice of the younger girl sounded with a sigh through the walkie, her words slightly crackling through the statics. “Alright”, Caleb grumbled as you swallowed another piece of the soft dough and watched him tugging the walkie back to the waistband of his jeans before his glance wandered back to you. His lips that had before been pressed into a thin line loosened up again, giving you another kind smile as he shuffled in his seat to sit a little straighter up until he could prop his arms on the wooden table. “Better now?”, he asked, perking his eyebrows a little up while you fumbled on the paperbag beneath the last bit of the bun you had left. “Yeah, a bit”, you said with a small smile at the guy who had without a doubt been the most open and friendly person towards you since you were back and right now, you were glad to have someone who you might even be able to call a friend with you in the infirmary. “Knew it!”, Caleb chuckled triumphantly as a small grin mixed into the smile that still let the corners of his lips curl up. “Thank you”, you mumbled gratefully as you slowly leaned back into the chair and took the last bite of the bun that had soothed the tension in you a little as well. “Anytime”, you just heard Caleb say as your glance was wandering from his outside, to the people who were still carrying supplies and even some of the self made weapons from the Hilltop towards the armory. You followed their way a little, curious what kind of things they were bringing else until your blood suddenly froze as your eyes caught the glimpse of a certain leather vest and its two wings that boasted proudly on its back. You could feel your lips beginning to gape open as your eyes were staring outside, seeing your half brother moving further with the group. He was a good bit away from the infirmary, but close enough for you to notice the way he was tensing, to notice how his eyes were roaming narrowly over the streets in hope to just not catch your figure. “Yeah, he’s here too…I’m sorry, wasn’t sure if…how I should tell you”, Caleb’s voice ripped you finally away from Daryl and the memory of your last disastrous encounter. You glanced back at him, seeing him looking from the large window right at you with an apologetic and even a little insecure glance in his eyes as he let out a small sigh. “No, it’s fine. I just-”, you mumbled, still a little in shock as a thick gulp wandered down your throat while you were trying your best to keep it together and rally yourself. Clenching your jaw uneasily you couldn’t keep yourself from glancing outside again, just to see how the vest and his straggly brown hair eventually vanished behind the front of a house. “Do you know when they are planning on leaving again?”, it just flew out of you before you were even realizing what you were saying, driven by the fear to cross his path again as soon as your shift would end and you had to leave the infirmary. Slowly, Caleb shook his head, his eyes still filled with the apologetic look before he let out another small sigh. “No…but I guess at the latest some time around the late evening. They got a good bunch of people with them so it shouldn’t take too long anymore”, he said, his tone a little soothing as you slowly nodded and leaned more into the backrest, trying to keep your eyes from wandering back outside while the suspense that had seemed to be slightly gone was back with its full force, if not even worse than before. “It will be-”, Caleb began again with soothing tone but got quickly cut off by the beeping of his walkie that mixed with an annoyed huff of his until the voice of his younger sister sounded through the room. “Caleb? They’re done, but you don’t need to come back to the crops. Rick just said he’s gonna mix up some groups anyway from tomorrow on now that he needs people for the windmill…doesn’t make much sense to begin something now we probably can’t finish, the shift’s almost over anyway”, Eden’s voice crackled through the walkie while her last view words made you look at the clock on the wall, letting your eyes run over the moving fingers until you realized that it was about time for you to end your shift and leave the infirmary now as well, but there was something holding you back from just heading out. And this certain something was that you really didn’t want to run into Daryl, not by any means. By now, several weeks had passed since the disastrous argument, but every time you just thought of it you could see the deadly glare in his eyes, taste the venom and hatred in his voice and feel the painful shocks his destroying words had sent through your body. You didn’t need a repetition of that. And you didn’t want to provoke Daryl into another fight by showing up outside, or have him cause some other trouble, maybe even with Rick himself in case he’d find out that he had was on a better path with you again.
You were that deeply sunken into your thoughts about Daryl that you didn’t even notice at first that Caleb had lifted himself from his chair and stepped closer towards you until the very moment you heard his voice. “Don’t you wanna leave too?”, he asked, his voice calm as you glanced up in him, trying to hide in what kind of mess your thoughts were beginning to turn you into before the way Caleb began to look at you told you how much you had just failed your try. He let out a small sigh and reached up to run a palm over his lightish beard stubble before he glanced back down into your eyes. “Daryl, huh?”, he asked, immediately letting a cool shudder run down your back as you only heard his name and knew that you couldn’t deny your problem anymore in front of him. “Yeah”, you mumbled reluctantly, hating to feel that vulnerable while your eyes left his for a moment and wandered uneasy through the room. “My home’s close to the brownstones, so if you want, I’ll accompany you till there. Don’t think he’ll approach you when you’re with someone”, Caleb said, leading your glance back to his friendly eyes and the small smile on his lips while a thick gulp travelled down your throat. “You don’t have to…I really don’t wanna pull you into this or make you put yourself out for me. I can just wait some longer”, you mumbled with a small but to your annoyance nervous chuckle back before Caleb slowly shook his head. “Come on, (Y/N). You can’t tell me you really want that. And, like I said, I live nearby the browns you don’t bother me in any way”, he said, his voice still calm even though a little more firm than before ,”I’d also do it if I was living on the other side of Alexandria, that goes without saying.” The smile was still lingering on his lips as you slowly began to nod, realizing that he was right. He wanted to help so why not let him? And next to that, the day had already worn your nerves off enough, having to wait even longer would only make it worse. “Alright, then let’s go”, Caleb said, before he glanced once more down at you, while you were trying to rally yourself and somehow get your mind prepared for whatever could encounter you outside this house. “It will work out. You got this”, he said, looking at you and the small but thankful smile you were forcing past the suspense that was lingering in your body before his hand reached up to give your shoulder a soft pat. His touch left you again as his voice hushed but for a short moment, his touch that was still lingering slightly on you reminded you of the way a bit jealousy had sneaked up into Negan’s glance the first time you had told him about the people at the crops…or rather Caleb. Even though he had denied it and you knew that he really was glad that you had found at least someone in this mess who was kind from the first moment on towards you, especially now that he was locked up you could tell that this hint of jealousy was still there. No matter if there was no reason for it. You didn’t want someone else, not in any way and this little soft pat Caleb had given you was just another proof. You didn’t feel anything, it was a friendly gesture, but that was it. Besides, you didn’t think that Caleb was interested in you. He was a gracious guy, but he hadn’t made a clear move on you, nor had you ever seen him being something else than kind towards someone. This all, just like his offer now was just him being him, without any further thoughts. Right?
A small huff left your lips as you shoved those thoughts away from you and finally lifted yourself off the chair. It didn’t matter, the only thing that mattered quite a bit now was that you still craved to just fall into Negan’s arms and have him cradle you against his warm chest and that it wouldn’t take too long anymore until this wish could be fulfilled.
As soon as you finally stepped along with Caleb outside, the chilly breeze from this midday had turned even colder, allowing itself to warn you that the days would get even colder from now on than they already were. With a sharp breath falling from your lips you pulled your jacket closer around your body, trying to not let the cold conquer your body as you stepped down the porch and felt the wind beginning to bite into your skin.
The suspense was flaring up from the moment on you made your way down the street, felt your eyes wandering over them, seeing less people than before wandering over them and beginning to head towards the gates, letting you hope that Daryl was already there. Just as Caleb began to distract you a bit with talking about the things he already knew about the to-be windmill, the tension was slowly beginning to beat retreat and you could feel yourself slowly loosing up, your eyes caught something from afar that foiled both of those good signs within milliseconds. There he stood, like glued to the blacktop beneath his worn off boots, with eyes hidden behind a few brunette hair strands that could burn into you even through the distance that was laying between the both of you. For the split of a second your heart and breath seemed to stop, boiling heat and icy coldness mixed into a painful mess within your pulsing veins as you just stared at him while your feet came abruptly to a harsh halt, just like Caleb’s just a moment later. For seconds it just stayed this way, your mind was racing, questioning what he would do now, what you should do now. It was almost unrecognizable from afar but you could still capture the way his hands balled into fists that were just as tensed as the rest of his body, but still, he stayed this way. He didn’t move a step closer towards you, not a single one. Your head was running wilder with each passing second, creating a mess in your mind while a part of you just wanted to let your glance leave the one of your half brother and get your feet to work but your body didn’t seem as if it was under your control in these moments. All until your eyes caught how Daryl’s eyes left yours, his hands still balled into fists as if they were the only thing holding him back from exploding before he turned around and paced down the road towards the gates, leaving you alone. You had no idea how long you had stood there with him, it probably hadn’t even been long enough to fill a full minute but it had been enough to fuck you up all over again. Only seeing him before had brought all kinds of emotions up in you again, but it had been nothing to whatever had happened just now and which was still leaving you standing pinpointed to the street. “(Y/N)? Lets go on”, you heard Caleb calmly and reassuring say as he placed his hand on your back, trying to pull your glance away from the point Daryl had stood just moments ago and get you out of the trance this situation had catapulted you in. “Yeah”, you mumbled still a little absently as you glanced back at Caleb and saw him looking with some concern swinging in his glaucous eyes at you. “You okay?”, he asked as his hand slowly left your back while you gave him a slow nod, still trying to pretend as if you could lead him on. Because actually, nothing was okay. No fucking goddamn thing was okay right now.
The next few minutes rushed past you as you were still stuck in a trance like state while you just kept walking beside Caleb until a small exhaling breath was leaving your lips as you caught yourself walking closer to the brownstones. Every step felt like it was getting a little faster until you finally walked closer up to Roger, leaning against the wall outside one of the brownstone’s, fumbling on the gun holster on his belt while you could already see the keys to Negan’s cell printing through the guard’s pant’s pocket. “I’m fine from here on…Thank you”, you finally said as stopped and turned your head to face Caleb, meeting his kind eyes before he gave you a small nod. “Anytime”, he said with a small smile, “See you tomorrow at the crops if nothing changes?” “Yeah, see you there”, you said back, forcing a small smile on your lips before Caleb gave you another nod, waiting a second more to let his eyes run over your face, as if he was checking up on your wellbeing, before he turned around and made his way down the road.
You tried your best to keep a facade up in front of Negan’s usual guard, but by now, as you made your way down the stairs into the basement, it felt like even Roger was beginning to sense the suspense that was radiating off your body. Your footsteps echoed over the cement ground, your heart beating a little faster with each of them until you finally stood in front of the metal bars and could glimpse past Roger into the cell’s inside and right at Negan. He was sitting on the bed, like always, until the door would lock behind you and he was finally allowed to stand up again. A shivering breath was falling from your lips as your glance wandered over his face, over his eyes that were filled with anticipation which remembered you of your shared morning together that had been so much better than the rest of the day.
The sound of the unlocking door sounded even more pleasing than ever in your ears as it finally let the door spring open and allowed you to slip into the cell, while you could already see Negan’s glance wandering over you, the excitement leaving his eyes while his brows were beginning to softly pucker in response to the tension that was painted all over your face. Just seconds later the metal door crashed back into the lock with a sharp thud, accompanying with the clicking sound as the key left the small hole again and finally allowed Negan to get up. “Hey”, you mumbled, trying to not lose it right at this point even though you could feel the bottled up emotions building more and more pressure up, threatening to free themselves before you wanted them too. “Hey Baby…what’s wrong?”, Negan asked as he stepped closer, his eyes filled with concern as he reached out until his large hands could grasp your waist and pull you closer, letting the pleasant warmth run through you you had wished to feel all day long. Another shivering breath left your lips as you tried to find words, tried to put all the things that happened before into sentences until you just found yourself sinking against his chest, yearning to feel more of his warmth and comfort. Your arms wrapped around his torso as he pulled you closer, letting you nuzzle your face into the curve of his neck, inhaling his consoling scent while his warm breath brushed over your skin as he leaned in closer against you. “Sweetheart, what the hell happened?”, he asked, worry swinging in his voice as a harsh gulp travelled down your throat. “People from the hilltop are here, bringing supplies…Daryl too”, you mumbled against his warm skin, feeling him tensing by the sound of your words that ultimately forced you to back a little off and look into his concerned eyes. “Fuck…did he start some shit again?”, he asked, his hazel eyes darting over your face as if he could read the answer off of it while you could feel words beginning to press out of your lips, leaving the muddled mess your mind had become. “No…just saw him from afar, he didn’t come close but I bet if Caleb wouldn’t have been with me-”, with that you stopped, realizing too late that bringing Caleb into this was for sure not the best idea before you caught how the muscles in Negan’s cheeks twitched slightly, his lips formed into a slimmer line while something else mixed into his eyes, giving the concern company. He was trying to hold it back, you could tell, trying to persuade himself that he should just be glad that there had been someone with you at that time. But just as much as your muddled head didn’t allow you to fully think clearly, as much could you see that there was something boiling deep within him, no matter if he liked it or not. “He was just kind to accompany me till here”, you began, your tone soft as you were trying to find a way to put the puzzle parts together and tell him about your whole day without confusing yourself or him ,”He was at the infirmary to give me some food they brought from the hilltop ‘cause we all didn’t have much for lunch and i just had some fight with tara and my day’d went fucking downhill from there on and he just stayed to cheer me up, I-” You stopped again. You weren’t making anything better, fuck, you were just getting yourself further into this. “Sure”, Negan said, his voice tough but still letting it shimmer through that he was having a battle with himself while you could feel more restlessness in you growing. You didn’t want this now, you had waited countless hours to just come here and finally be able to let your guards down and relax, but instead this day seemed to be damned to just get worse. “Like I said, he was just being nice”, you said, your tone still soft but mixed with a reassuring firmness while much to your bother, Negan let a small, humorless chuckle out and nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s what he always is”, he said, his voice a weird mix of sarcasm and the tiny part in him that was still trying to keep it together, “I know those kinda fucking guys.” The last part was in a lower tone, as if he was grumbling it to himself as his glance left yours while you could feel the frustration flaring up in you again, taking the last defense of your strained nerves down to conquer your body anew and take control of it. “Negan, I had a fucking shit day”, it blustered out of you, his eyes darting at yours the moment he heard the distress in your voice while a thick lump began to grow in your throat, filled with all the emotions the day had thrown at you ,”All I fucking wanted this whole damn time was get here and see you, I don’t wanna start a fight about some shit like that.” A deep, shivering breath fell from your lips as you stared at him, seeing how his eyes began to soften by the sound of your last sentence before guilt began to sneak into them as soon as your voice had hushed and you noticed that your eyes had turned clouded by the few tears the lump in your throat had forced up. “Alright, I-…shit, I’m sorry”, he said, his voice beginning to soften as much as his eyes had before while he slowly began to tighten his arms gently around you, trying to find out if you let him. “I just-”, he began, struggling to find the right words as his eyes wandered over your face, saying more than thousands words could. A sigh left your lips as you looked at him, gulping slightly as you saw more worry mixing into his eyes. “You still wanna come here? Tell big ol’ Negan ‘bout this crap day?” His eyes were brushing over yours, a deeply apologetic glance stuck in them. “Wanna make your day better, not fucking worse with my jealous fucking ass”, he grumbled, his thumb slowly caressing over your back as you looked into his genuine eyes before you slowly began to nod. “If that jealous ass eases up, then yeah, I still want that”, you mumbled, a tiny smile sneaking into the corners of your lips before a small and relieved chuckle fell from his lips. “Oh he’ll do that for fucking sure, I fucking promise that”, Negan mumbled, pulling you closer into his embrace as soon as you let him just for you to finally feel like you can let go as soon as you could cuddle yourself closer against his warmth and close your eyes.
As the sun had almost fully beat the retreat and the kerosene lamp next to the bed was already throwing its faint light against the stone walls, you were laying next to Negan, cuddled up against his side after you had finished telling him everything about the several past hours, about everything that had wrecked your nerves and turned you into the mess you had been when you had arrived at the cell. Negan had kept cradling you against his chest, soothing you and asking you about everything until you could tell that he was sure that everything was off your chest. All while he had kept his little promise, even though you hadn’t gone into detail with your conversation with Caleb, you didn’t need to unnecessary throw wood into a fire, especially since this conversation wasn’t all too important and besides that, you were sure that you wouldn’t be without jealously if the roles were reversed. Besides, Negan was in here for just about two weeks and to no ones surprise, this was dreading harshly on his nerves too. You could often see him swinging between still acting as if he was the leader who was still in charge of everything around him and the dark moments that made him realize that he was a locked up prisoner instead. “Feelin’ a bit better?”, Negan’s deep voice drawled as he pressed a kiss to your temple, cradling you a little tighter as you slowly began to nod. “Yeah”, you mumbled, nuzzling your face deeper into his warm skin before you pressed a soft kiss against his neck that quickly let a deep hum rumble through Negan’s chest. “Wanna feel even better?”, he asked, a soft chuckle leaving his lips before you slowly lifted your head from his shoulder to look into his slightly grinning face ad gave him a questioning look. “Before you came here Roger boy said I got water for two hours, got about an hour left now…you wanna come with me?”, he asked, biting his lower lip slightly as he raised his brows, “I mean that water’s probably still dick shrinking cold but I promise I’ll make it fun. Gonna be a damn fine distraction.”
It didn’t need more than another one of his roguish grins to persuade you from his idea which quickly let you find yourself stripped down to nothing by Negan himself in the small wanna-be bathroom that was only enlightened by the bit of light that could slip from the cell through the narrow opening in the stone wall to you. Negan’s grin had grown even bigger, his body was close enough to yours to let you feel the warmth that was radiating from it as he grabbed the handle of the shower, reluctant at first. “Afraid he’ll shrink too much?”, you teased with a chuckle as Negan’s wolfish glance shot quickly up and a devilish smirk plastered over his lips. “Nah, got you with me to let him grow again lickety-fucking-split”, he chuckled, his hand reaching up to give your waist a teasing squeeze before he turned the shower slowly on and raised his brows as soon as the water began to hit his bare skin. “Seems like we got some damn luck today. Shit’s at least lukewarm”, he chuckled, glancing back up to you before you stepped closer, still feeling his warm, large hand on your body until the water began to pelt down on you as well. It really was lukewarm, enough so it was still somehow pleasant to feel it running down your skin before the feeling got quickly drowned out by Negan’s arms wrapping around you, pulling you close until you were pressed against him. A deep rumble let his body vibrate against you as soon as your hands ran up his skin, over the dark curls that peppered his firm chest while you glanced up at him until his hazel eyes could capture yours. Slowly, he leaned down, his lips meeting yours within seconds as his kiss and his touches seemed to slowly wash a bit of the left tension out of you. His beard stubble tickled you slightly as he placed another peck on your lips before leaning back and looking at you for a moment, a smile sneaking into the grin that was still painted on his face before his arms left your body, letting him turn to his side to grab the bar of soap that was resting in a small metal basket on the ground. “This fucker isn’t as damn nice as the shit we had at the Sanctuary…hell, this all isn’t that fucking great but-…hope this is still gonna make ya feel better”, he said the moment he stood right in front of you again, a bit of the sorrow he seemed to try his best to suppress still swinging in his voice before he glanced up at you. A forced up, even a little desperate smile was pressed into the grin that had become smaller before you let the corners of his your lips curl up as you wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed a soft kiss over his lips. “It already is”, you mumbled against his skin, leaning a bit back to give him another smile that let his signature grin grow on his lips again.
The water kept on pelting down on you, the pressure varying as drastically as you had expected from the poor pipes in the unfinished house but as soon as you felt Negan’s touch on you again, you couldn’t care less. He was running the soap slowly over your skin, circling it over your shoulders, down the valley of your breasts, along your sides and your stomach while his other hand was keeping you close to him and let warm shivers run down your body. With each little moment you felt him close, the built up suspense seemed to leave your body a bit more, allowing you to sink into a comfortable bubble that excluded anything but you both and this small room. Soon enough Negan ran the soap down your back, before turning you around to let his hands wander over your skin, over the muscles that ached slightly from the work at the crops. Slowly, he found each of the little spots that bothered you, letting you relax beneath his touch and his soothing hands that kept massaging and pampering you. His fingers drew circles over the back of your neck, before they wandered over your shoulders and then down your sides, putting pressure on them at the very right places while you began to relax more and more.
You kept staying in this bubble as you found yourself in Negan’s embrace, your back pressed against his chest, with his arms keeping you as close as possible while his face was buried in the crook of your neck, his soft lips kissing the sensitive skin while the drastic contrast of his rough beard stubble was creating a pleasant sensation deep within you. With your eyes closed and content hums leaving your lips your hands laid on his own, your fingers tracing softly over his while Negan playfully tugged on your skin, chuckling deeply as you flinched slightly in response but then immediately melted against him. You could feel your longing for him pool in your middle, only strengthened by the way you could feel him slowly growing hard against you while deep hums and growls let his chest vibrate against your back. Slowly, one of Negan’s large hands left your soft grasp and travelled down your body, his fingertips brushing over your skin until you felt him finding your sweetest spots. A hum left your lips as soon as you felt him beginning to circle his fingers in slow movements over the sensitive flesh, while more water ran down your body and mixed its sensation with the ones of the kisses Negan’s warm lips were still pressing in over your neck. One by one, you could feel his fingers finding an intoxicating rhythm, could feel him grinding himself more against you, just to gradually turn your knees weaker with every touch and every passing second. A soft moan was falling from your lips as his fingers kept on pampering your clit, heating your body more and more up right until the moment a wince was leaving your lips as you felt the sudden loss of his touch. “Oh Baby, you’ll get more”, Negan chuckled, reassuring you as he turned you around in his arms, leading you closer towards the wall until the cold stone was pressing against your back while his warm body quickly captured yours again within his embrace. His lips found yours in a yearning kiss, swallowing the small hums and moans that left your lips in response to his touch before you slowly slid your hands down his sides, in between your bodies to give him a little bit of the caress back he had given you until you were quickly stopped. “Uh-Uh”, Negan grumbled with a chuckle against your lips, his fingers grasping around your wrist as he backed a little away, grinning at you as a wolfish glance was filling his eyes ,”Let Daddy take care of ya.” Biting his lip he looked at you, loosening his hold on you again while your brows puckered in surprise as soon as he closed the distance between your bodies again. “What? Just wanna make you feel fucking good after this shit ass day”, he said, leaning in to press another kiss to your lips before his own began to travel down your neck again and left a warm path along your wet skin. “Just ‘bout you now”, he mumbled against your skin, his large hands grabbing your waist as you could feel a smile growing on your lips and felt the fuzzy warmth within you mixing with the yearning heat. Slowly, Negan leaned back for a moment, his hazel eyes meeting yours in the faint light as he gave you another smirk and rose his deep voice, ”So lean back and enjoy the damn show.”
And you did so, longing to relax more after this frustrating day and even more so longing to feel him as close as you could. And It didn’t take long until he was giving you anything you could yearn for. His lips were caressing over yours again, switching perfectly in-between deep, rough and passionate kisses, and soft ones that let you carefully feel his every bit of him. His hands were all over you, feeling you up, fondling your breasts and brushing over just the right spots until they had found their place and brought you the pleasure they had already given you before as his fingers were pampering your clit again, first almost torturously slow before putting more pressure and passion into each touch that let the heat in you flare up. Your soft moans began to echo through the small room as soon as his lips left yours, beginning to travel south, kissing along your shoulder and your collarbones, before wandering down until his lips could suck softly on your nipples and his tongue could draw slow but intoxicating circles around the sensitive buds. Your hands found their way quickly into his dark and wet hair, gripping it as soon as you could feel him beginning to tease his fingers along your soaked core while his lips kept traveling further down, until they could find your pulsing clit as his knee hit the cement floor. “Just for you”, he grumbled with a chuckle as soon as you glanced down to his kneeling position that let a small laugh escape your lips which quickly turned into a heavy moan within the moment his fingers pushed deeply inside you and his lips and tongue began to use their magic on your sensitive and yearning flesh. You were losing yourself in him, more and more with every second, with each grip of his large hand on your hip, with each deep thrust of his fingers into your heat, with each bit he turned you more into a trembling and moaning mess, with each flick of his tongue against your clit, with each bit his rough beard stubble sent pleasant shivers down your spine, with every bit he gave you until he drove you over the edge and let an intoxicating orgasm rumble through your whole body that left you shaking within its aftershocks.
You were slumped against him as you first found yourself diving out of the trance he had set you in, your body was like molten against his, only held up by the strong embrace he had captured you in. A big smile was plastered all over your lips as your head was leaned against his warm neck, your eyes closed as you took his comforting scent in and felt the last water drops hitting your skin before the pipes would give up for today. The day had been pushed somewhere far into the depths of the back of your head, formed into something so small that it didn’t even matter right in these moments. Right now, what really mattered was that you were captured in a pair of strong arms that kept you far away from the sorrow the day had brought, that made it feel like everything was actually fine. And those moments proved more than enough that it had been more than worth to wait all these countless hours for exactly this, for something no one else could give you, no fucking matter if there were thick stone walls around you, if there was a shower that acted as if it would die any moment or if there was only a cheap bed in the edge of a cell. It didn’t matter a single bit, the only thing that mattered was the man who was still holding you in his warm and strong embrace right now.
Only the faint light from the high windows was streaming into the cell when Negan found himself laying in the cheap bed again, wide awake in the middle of the night, looking at the very much sleeping bundle in his arms, curled up to his side, with her head resting on his chest and her steady breath hitting his skin. It calmed him a little down, this warmth beside him and was usually enough to let him sooner or later fall asleep as well, but this night was different. A deep sigh left his lips, the vibration making her shift slightly in her sleep, letting him freeze the moment he felt her movements, not wanting to wake her up before she quickly took that worry away from him as she nuzzled her head into his skin again. Slowly, Negan shifted his head, enough so he could press a kiss on her forehead, just to eventually lean his head against hers and wrap his arms a little tighter around her body that quickly let a fuzzy warmth in him grow. Hell, she really was doing some things to him. She gave his heart a rock hard boner, or no, that was a understatement, she made that heart boner cum hard in thick fucking spurts from some giant balls that wouldn’t ever drain. Yeah, that was probably the best description about his feelings in his words even though, and he had a bit of a hard time to admit that, he could find overly sappy and cringe-worthy romantic movie words for them as well. And that with more ease than ever.
It actually filled him with pride to see her that peacefully asleep in his arms, with her guards completely down and calmed down from the shit day that laid past her. He really couldn’t deny that he was feeling like a proud fucker, right up until the point where he wasn’t, where the thoughts that were keeping him awake this night sneaked up again and tried to punch down any fine feeling that was trying to build up in him. And there was something – someone – else that made those thoughts even worse. This fucker out there, who was playing the role he should be playing. He should have been there to calm her down after the fight with Tara. He should have been there to cheer her up after things went downhill at the infirmary, make her laugh until she couldn’t breathe with his dirty jokes or distract her the way he liked to do it. Hell, he should have been there when she had been outside and had seen Daryl. He should have been there. But he wasn’t. He was in this dark shit cell.
He could feel frustration and jealousy boiling up in him just the second he began to think about it, feeling their steam rise up until they built questions in his head that bounced relentlessly around in his skull like fucking ping pong balls. Was that all enough for her long term when she had so much more outside waiting for her? Just him in this goddamned cell? Every night on this crappy ass bed? Hell, she deserved better than this all and maybe it was just a matter of time till she would realized that. He trusted her with his life, no question, and he didn’t ever see her as the one to just leave him if things got though, they had been through way too much already to believe that. But could he blame her if this shit here would be too much at some point? He hated to admit it but no, he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand this hellhole as well, and he was only locked up for about two damn weeks, there were so many fucking countless days to come. Some day, he thought, he probably would come out, see what the fuck Rick the fucking prick was trying to build but till then, a long time would pass. So what the hell could he give her in here? A good fuck? Yes, that was about it and even though he liked to believe that his dick could solve as good as any problem, he knew that this wasn’t actually the reality. And the longer he was alone with his thoughts, the more they were trying to eat him up. He had never been able to make everything the way he wanted up to Lucille, and now that he had a second chance, he couldn’t give her as much as she deserved too. He was doomed to fuck this up as well, earlier or later, and anytime this thought sneaked up in his head a rush of nausea washed over him, almost swallowing him completely. A shivering breath left his tensed up body as he cradled the sleeping figure in his arms as close as he could against himself, holding her tight as he closed his eyes, asking himself if the nights he would be able to do this were already counted.
The sun was slipping its first sun rays into the cell when Negan’s eyes fluttered open, only after they had rested for not more than two hours, maybe three, if he was lucky. Quietly, he cleared his throat, feeling the slight itching of the new bandaid that was pressing over his wound as he was shifting a little against the pillow beneath his head before his drowsy glance fell on (Y/N) in his arms, still as peacefully asleep as he had lastly found her. For a moment he tried to push the dark thoughts from last night out of his mind and let his head lean against hers again to maybe catch a bit more sleep, even though it probably were just a few damn minutes. Just as his eyes shut again and he could feel the sleep trying to grasp him,the echoing footsteps down the stairs by the cell let his eyes shoot open again, provoking a pissed grunt to fall from his lips. “Roger, you fucking early bastard”, he grumbled under his breath, turning his head to face the metal bars so he could see what kind of bullshit his guard was about to create now. It was way too early to get his girl out of the cell, so why the fuck was he down here? Hoping to get a glimpse at his glorious morning boner? Well pardon Sir, gotta disappoint you, that fuckers out of order this morning due to fucking sleep de-fucking-privation…or some other shit. A heavy breath left Negan’s lips as he still heard more footsteps echoing through the walls, and normally he would have put on a teasing remark for his guard, enjoy to annoy some more the shit out of this guy but for the sake of her sleep, he passed on that today. Negan still expected to see the tall, dark haired guy to turn up in front of the metal bars, with the same ol’ face expression that let him think that he might constantly had a stick rammed up his ass but instead another guy, someone he couldn’t remember to have seen before, stood at the door, glancing at him. Instead of Roger that guy was blonde and a good couple of years younger, but tall as well, not as tall as he himself, nor as tall as his usual grumpy guard but still tall. He didn’t have much of the I-got-a-stick-up-my-ass expression on his face, but at the moment, Negan couldn’t care less. The only thing he began to care about was where that guys eyes were wandering, and they weren’t wandering to him, they were wandering to the sleeping figure in his arms, sticking to her enough to let a certain annoyance grow in his body. “So, who are you?”, Negan grumbled, his eyes already narrowed as he finally got that fuckers glance away from his girl. “Your new guard”, the man said, letting out a small sigh before he rose his voice again, “They wanted to have Roger on the team for the windmill for the next few days. So for now, I’ll take his shifts over.” “Well, then hello new guard”, Negan said, his voice still drowsy and cold as his eyes wandered over the man’s face, trying to find out what was bothering him about it other than the fact that his glance was still switching obviously often and way more than he liked to his still thankfully sleeping girl. “Well, see you later then”, his guard said, shifting uneasily over the floor before he gave him quick nod and turned towards the door that lead upstairs, beginning to beat retreat. “Hey, what’s your name, boy?”, Negan asked just as he began to hear the dull footsteps sounding over the cement floor, before they came closer again until the blonde man was looking right at him again as he rose his voice. “Caleb.”
Summary: When the Reader finds herself injured and separated from Negan and his men in the middle of the woods, she has this one thing of his with her that makes her realize what she’s fighting for and keeps her going till the very end.
This is my entry for @twdsunshine ‘s 1K writing challenge. My prompt was “leather jacket” and I had honestly a whole lot of fun writing this! It’s a wild mix of fluff, angst and some smut with a bunch of flashbacks, so there’s something for everyone. There’s also gonna be a lot more entries besides mine, so make sure to check them out as well as the awesome work of the host as well!
A strained groan left your lips as you slowly began to dive back into consciousness, the weight on your eyelids almost too heavy to allow you to open them. Slowly, your exhausted and blurry glance tried to get a look of its surrounding and tried to keep itself from being dazzled by the sun rays that shone through the crowns of the trees. A dry cough rumbled through your ribcage and made you flinch slightly in pain, just before your other senses began to switch on again as you heard the sound of a happily singing bird and felt something familiar enclosing you. Warm and smooth leather that hugged your body and enshrouded you with its scent while its zippers clinked slightly whenever you moved your strained body a bit. And with the moment you began to grasp whose leather jacket was clinging onto your body, memories began to slowly sneak back into your muddled mind and turned into a bunch of puzzle pieces that longed to be unraveled. The run in the woods, the darkness of the chilly night, Negan who was wrapping his leather jacket around you, his lips that pressed a soft kiss on yours, his voice that told you that he needed you to join the trucks that got on the direct way back to the Sanctuary while he was taking care of the ones that took a detour to another small abandoned village to search for some more supplies, the sound of his departing trucks and then the part of the night that had let you end up leaning dazzled and injured against a tree in the middle of the forest. All you could remember were walkers, a lot of them as you were just preparing to take off in direction home, that many that you found yourself enclosed by them in the darkness. You could still hear the voices of Negan’s men booming through the night, one yelling out for you, another screaming back to just get the hell away from the dead and flesh craving corpses no matter who got left behind and a third who called out that they were singing up for a just as painful death by Negan’s hand if they’d leave you behind. All you could remember from that part on was your fight for your life, the feeling of dead hands grabbing you and cold and thick blood that ran over your hands as you tried to kill as many as you could before there was no other choice for you than to run as you heard the trucks beginning to drive back home, without you. You had no idea how long you had run, you had no idea how you managed to keep going even after you had plunged in the dark down a rocky hill, you had no idea how long you had stayed trembling on the ground as soon as your body took revenge on you and urged it to drain itself repeatedly until nothing but bile was leaving your exhausted body before you crawled over the earthy ground and everything got black.
You winced in pain as you tried to move, feeling how every bone hurt, every muscle ached and brought more and more panic into your body while the only thing that brought a little comfort into your body was the feeling of his jacket enclosing you, its smoothness and his scent that was stuck in it, just like the thought that he must’ve already started to search for you. After all, this wouldn’t be the first time he’d find you in the woods and turn something as simple as a leather jacket into something with a lot more meaning, a meaning that had just increased since your very first moments with him and developed to something that was running like a golden thread through all kind of stages of your relationship.
Darkness surrounded you as pain and piercing coldness shook through your aching body, the unconsciousness keeping your eyes closed while your body tried to fight its way back to consciousness. Your muddled mind tried to grasp something, tried to grasp what had happened before everything went black. Walkers. Not just one but many walkers were the first thing that popped up in your mind, their groans echoing through your head as you could see yourself running weakly through the forest, starved by days without finding food that made every step feel like torture and that made it impossible for you to even try to fight them. There were a bunch of holes in your memory, blackouts after blackouts until you found yourself stumping into a small river, trying to escape the dead with the last chance you seemed to have. Blackness. Again. And the very last thing what you could remember was the biting coldness of the water until you heft yourself with the very last strength you had onto the riverside, crawled towards a tree to get yourself back on your feet before your body gave in and everything went once for all black. But now you weren’t there anymore, you weren’t there at the riverside, there was no cold and earthy ground beneath your body, no harsh wind that hit against your face. But there was something instead. Something a little softer beneath your aching muscles, something around you that made it shake slightly here and now, and then, there were voices that almost made your muddled and still in darkness drowned mind think you were hallucinating. “I don’t give a shit, Brad. Didn’t save that girl for fucking nothing, so scrape up all the goddamn blankets you got”, were the first words that sounded through to you, your mind still not able to fully process them before heavy footsteps made their way closer. “Don’t need her to freeze to fucking death after this shitton of work”, the deep voice from before echoed through your mind again before the footsteps eventually came to a stop. The coldness was still stuck in your bones and muscles, letting you feel like thousands of needles pierced into your skin as another shudder shook heavily through your body. “Fuck”, the deep voice scoffed, shuffling noises sounding through your head before you felt something warm and smooth enclosing you. The warmth felt soothing for your aching muscles as it fought against the coldness while comforting scents began to lull you in. A familiar mixing with a new one as they encased you closer, the familiar slowly turning out to be one that had always acted soothingly on you. The scent of leather. And just as you felt it wrapping a little closer around you, its warmth filling you a little more up as your mind tried to figure out the new one, the unconsciousness dragged you back into its depths.
When the darkness began to let you go again, the leather was gone. Its smoothness, its scent, all of it. Instead the feeling of sheets surrounded you, something beneath you that was even softer than whatever had laid under your body before. A small groan left your lips as a pain filled shudder ran through you, causing your body to flick slightly while once again voices and the sound of footsteps echoed through your head. ”Holy hell”, you heard the deep voice from before say not too far from you as the unconsciousness slowly let go of you and finally allowed you to slowly wake up. Gradually, your eyes fluttered open until they caught the source of the voice towering right over you. There were hazel eyes wandering over your face, dark if not black hair securely slicked back, a salt and pepper beard surrounding smirking lips and the leather that had enclosed your body before was now clinging in form of a black leather jacket to broad shoulders, the silver of its zippers gleaming slightly in the light that was dazzling your tired eyes. And then, the man with the leather jacket spoke up again. “Hi, I’m Negan.”
You let another dry cough out as you slowly began your felt thousandth try to lift yourself up, wincing and flinching as soon as you put too much pressure on your injured body before you finally got yourself somehow onto your feet. You needed to keep going, you needed to find water and something to eat. You breathed sharply in and out, each breath feeling like you were cutting strains into your throat while you clung onto the leather jacket that protected you from the chilly wind that was rushing through the swathes of the trees.
The cold wind was biting into your skin as you stood on one of the platforms that stuck to the Sanctuary’s walls, looking over the compound in hope that this night would stay as peaceful as it seemed while your chilly hands dug into the gun before you let it down and leaned it against the railing. This day had been sunny, even warm and had let you hope that your shift in the middle of the night wouldn’t end up as cold as it actually was right now. A tight breath left your lips as you let your eyes wander over the walls, hoping that your shift wouldn’t take too long anymore while you inwardly cursed yourself for agreeing to pick up the slack for the usual look out in the night. Just as you shook your legs a little out to keep your muscles from feeling worn out and you ran on of your hands over the sleeves of your jacket, wishing that it would get you a little warmer you heard the squeaking of the metallic door behind you. ″No need to fucking worry, just me”, you heard Negan chuckle before you glanced at him, catching the tall man opening the heavy door wider. ″Mind if I join you for a bit?”, he asked, his signature grin dancing around the corners of his lips while his eyes darted in the faint light at you. ″No”, you just mumbled back, giving him a small smile as he slipped next to you on the platform while you couldn’t deny that a little nervousness sneaked up in you as the Sanctuary’s leader walked up right next to you, even though this wasn’t by far the first time he was visiting you during a shift. “Simon told me you took this shift over for tonight, thought you could use some company. Late night shifts are the crappiest fuckers, especially when it’s fucking dick-shrinking cold”, Negan scoffed out with a small chuckle before he leaned his baseball bat against the metallic railing and glanced with his signature grin at you. “Yeah, they are”, you muttered as you stroke with your hands over your jacket’s sleeve once again, trying to let the friction get some warmth into you. Suddenly you heard the sound of a zipper and the clinking of a belt before you glanced over to Negan and saw him beginning to slip his leather jacket off his arms. “Now I know this is cliché as fuck but I won’t let you freeze your sweet ass off”, he chuckled as he got it out of his sleeves. “Negan, you don’t have to. I got a jacket and you’re gonna freeze too”, you quickly said, seeing how goosebumps spread over his arms before he already held the jacket in from of you with a wider grin. “Well, I don’t give a damn fuck about that but I want you to be cozy fucking warm…Now I’d offer you another damn way to heat you up, but I guess this is a damn good start”, he quietly chuckled before you let out a small laugh as well as some heat creeped up into your cheeks before stretched your hand out and grabbed his large jacket. “Thank you”, you said with a smile as you slid your arms into the warm leather, quickly feeling it enclosing you while Negan’s pleasant scent began to enshroud you. Before the cold could sneak more into you, you wrapped the way too big jacket tighter around your body and snuggled into the cozy warmth his body had brought into it. You could see from the corner of your eyes how Negan’s glance was stuck on you while you tried to keep more heat from sneaking into your cheeks to not expose how much you actually began to like wearing his jacket. And while his jacket brought more warmth into your body, Negan himself managed with his remarks and his throaty laugh to make a part of you wish that the night shift you had damned before wouldn’t go on for a little longer while.
Every step got harder, your hand was clinging onto your knife that was covered in dark and dried walker blood while you fought against the dizziness that was trying to let you crash back to the hard ground. Your exhausted glance could catch spots of blood on your clothing that could either be walker’s or your own, but the aching of your whole body didn’t allow you to find out how many wounds you actually had, nor how bad they actually were. All you knew was that you couldn’t let them become more. You were stuck in a painful trance, afraid that you would stumble upon a walker that would have an easy game with you in the state you were in now and afraid that you couldn’t find a way back home or a way closer to the search troops Negan had most likely already send out. He had, right? Or was he still on the run, still unaware that you weren’t home but in the fucking middle of nowhere? You had no idea how long you had been unconscious, but since you were still in one piece and no walker had taken a bite off of you, it couldn’t be too long. Your fingertips began to dig into the long sleeves of his leather jacket, trying to use it as your emotional crutch to keep the destroying thoughts out of your head and to keep tears from flooding your eyes so you wouldn’t fully break apart. You had to fight, you just had to survive and keep going, but that was easier said than done, no matter how long you had already spent outside alone before you had met Negan. You were injured, that dizzy that it was a small wonder that you were still on your feet, you threatened to dehydrate and your muddled and hurting mind was playing games and tricks on you which you couldn’t control. You could feel a lump beginning to grow in your throat and the fear of never being able to get home and see Negan again began to make itself a cozy nest in your body. Just as you breathed shakily out and felt like the dizziness was about to win its fight over you, your glance suddenly caught something glimmering and moving in the distance that got accompanied by a soft purling sound. Your eyes widened as soon as you began to realize what was laying right there in front of you, enlightened by sunlight that shone onto it and that streamed as opponent of the wind warmly through the woods as you first allowed yourself to grasp genuine hope again.
“Today’s the fucking day!”, Negan announced enthusiastically as he lead you into a kitchen in one of the Sanctuary’s more secluded buildings and the delicious smell of tomato sauce traveled up your nose. “Today’s the damn day you get to taste my fucking tasty as shit spaghetti”, Negan chuckled loudly as he shoved his leather jacket off his arms and swung it over one of the wooden chairs that stood by a table and a large window that darted at the endless seeming woods. This wasn’t the first time you were eating with him here in this kitchen that seemed compared to the Sanctuary’s usual fabric atmosphere pretty cozy with its wooden cabinets and the dusk’s sunlight that streamed warmly into the room, but it was the first time a very excited Negan had enough ingredients to make his self announced legendary spaghetti. “The only damn thing that tastes better is my meaty dick”, he teased, leaning back as he grinned at you while you let out a small laugh as you shook your head playfully about his remark. Letting the fabric of your jacket slide off your skin you walked over to the chairs before Negan rushed over to you, grabbed the lean of the chair and shoved it back for you. “What?”, he chuckled as you looked surprised up at him and saw him cocking a brow at you, “We got spaghetti, we got us two, looks like we got a fucking date.” Winking at you he grinned widely, and with that sentence he had turned the casual meals with him in this secluded kitchen you’ve been having for a good while into your first date with him. And even though the surprise got you into a small trance for a moment, you couldn’t deny that you a part of you was jumping in joy.
Even though you had at first thought Negan would exaggerate the tastiness of his spaghetti, after the first few bites you had to admit that he his remarks about it seemed now almost understated. The herbs mixed perfectly with the freshness and fruitiness of the tomatoes and if you were honest you couldn’t remember the last time you had eaten something as delicious as the spaghetti you were devouring right in these moments. “If you’re sucking dick with the same enthusiasm…then holy crap”, Negan chuckled nodding at you as you glanced up from your almost empty plate and kicked his legs beneath the table playfully. “Hey, I was just admiring you”, he teased before shoved another spoon full of spaghetti into his mouth and grinned at you as soon as he licked the rest of the red sauce off his lips. “Sure”, you snickered with a slight sarcastic undertone as you got back to your spaghetti but saw from the corner of your eyes how he was still grinning widely at you.
Only a few minutes later both of you had finished, his leather jacket was hugging his body again as it had become a little chilly while his hand had almost naturally found to yours and was right now loosely holding it as his thumb caressed slowly over your knuckles and made it impossible for you to keep a smile off your lips. You glanced at him, catching how a smile had mixed into his signature grin as well before his eyes caught yours and a small chuckle rumbled through his chest. “I got an idea”, he grinned, giving your hand a small, playful squeeze before he stood up and walked over to the old radio that stood on one of the wooden counters. Just as some slow music began to play and Negan turned smirking around, you fully realized what he had been planning and by the look that must have stuck in your eyes, Negan seemed to get what you were thinking about his idea. “Come on, it’s a date, we gotta do more than just eat”, he chuckled as he stretched his large hand out to you and let his charming yet roguish smirk dance over his lips. “Negan, I can’t dance”, you said, trying to spare you from an embarrassment before you already saw him shaking his head. “Bullshit, everybody can, you too. And you got me with ya, nothing can go fucking wrong”, he chuckled before you let out a small breath and gave yourself a big push to finally let your hand slide into his. Quickly and as if he wanted to make sure that you weren’t making a backtrack, he wrapped his hand tightly around yours and helped you up, just to directly pull you into his embrace as soon as you stood on your feet. “Got ya”, he grinned before his hand engulfed yours a little closer and raised it carefully up before his other arm sneaked around your waist and pulled you tightly against his firm chest. There was still some nervousness stuck in your body that turned your hands clammy and made you tense slightly before his touch and warmth made you slowly loose up as you almost unconsciously you laid your head against his shoulder. His head began to lean against yours as your nose nuzzled into the nook of his neck while your cheek pressed softly against the warm leather that engulfed his broad shoulders. Its scent mixed blissfully with Negan’s own that made you swing more and more in a kind of trance that made you feel a wild mix of emotions. Softly swinging to the slow rhythm of the music you heard Negan’s deep voice humming along the melody, his chest rising and falling beneath the leather jacket softly against yours while his warm breath hit your skin and let goosebumps spread over your whole body in a blissful way that made you wish that the song would never end.
Exhausted and only carried by determination, hope and the last bit of strength your body could provide you finally let yourself fall by the riverside, your eyes still wandering over the woods and the water to make sure that you were as lonely as it seemed. You glanced back to the water that was flowing in waves past you and made the thirst you had worse than it had already been. Hell, you knew the risks of just drinking this water but right now, right in these moments you knew that you had to to keep going to get away from the dehydration that was spreading out in your body and to have a chance to even go on. You couldn’t think about what it could do to you in a few days or a week, you had to survive right now to even have a chance to still be alive in those few days or a week.
As soon as your trembling hands were free from dried walker blood you sunk them back into the water, allowing your palms to form a small cup before you slowly got it up to your lips and finally felt the cold wet streaming down your dry throat. Groaning slightly in response to the blissful feeling you began to shove more and more of it into you, right until you felt like you couldn’t take more. Gasping for air you began to lean forward again, trying to shut the warnings and aching shots of pain your body was sending you out until you could glimpse into the picture the water was presenting you. God, you looked horrible. A wound boasted on your temple the fall down rocky hill must have given to you, your lips were bursted form the tartness of the bile and your eyes were slightly puffed from the tears you had shed. Leaning back you could feel another pain filled shudder running through every inch of your body before you began to clean your face up, trying to let the cold water give your body and mind the ability to think clearly again.
All the light that hit the flowing river turned into a warm orange tone and your eyes caught how the sun began to vanish behind the skyline of the trees. When you had the luxury of a home, those times of the day were one of the most soothing and peaceful but right now, it just forced you to remember that you were about to continue your game and fight with the ticking clock of time and the urge to survive. You couldn’t rest on this succeed of finding water, you needed to find safe place to sleep. Now.
Slowly, your eyes fluttered open as you felt how the mattress bend slightly behind you and a familiar warmth began to fill the bed as soon as you heard Negan’s voice and felt shifting beneath the sheets, just like he had been doing it every night for a while now. “Shit…sorry, Sweetheart. Didn’t want to wake you up”. he grumbled before a yawn fell from his lips as he let himself fall next to you, wrapped his arms around you from behind and cradled you against his still leather clad chest. “Negan, you still got your jacket on”, you mumbled tiredly, a small chuckle leaving your lips as Negan cuddled even closer up. “I don’t give a fuck. I’m tired as shit”, he grumbled as he buried his face into the nook of your shoulder, pressing a sloppy kiss on the side of your neck. With a small smile you turned around in his arms, pressed a soft peck on his lips and let your fingers reach up to the zipper in his jacket’s middle while Negan’s tired eyes watched you pulling it down in the faint light. “Thought you like the jacket”, he mumbled teasingly with a small, drowsy chuckle before you looked up to catch his glance. “I love the jacket”, you mumbled back as instead of brushing it off his shoulders, you let your arm slip around his torso, between the warmth and smoothness of the leather and the softness of his white shirt’s fabric. Nuzzling your face into his warm chest you hummed softly while it vibrated slightly against you as a small but throaty chuckle rumbled through it. Feeling how his leather clad arms wrapped tighter around you and his head leaned against yours you closed your eyes again and drowned in his comforting scent. “Goodnight, Baby”, Negan grumbled yawning as you cuddled a little closer up. “Goodnight.”
Trembling and wrapping the large leather jacket tighter around your body you found yourself huddled up against a tree while the darkness had conquered the night sky. Above you leaned another tree that must have crushed against the other in a storm a while ago and which had gotten caught by the thick branches of the stem you were pressing your exhausted body against. It wasn’t the best hideout from walkers, you knew that but the crown of the crushed tree that was hanging over you was building a small roof that was enough to keep hungry, dead corpses off of you. At least for now. Feeling the cold ground beneath your body you cursed about your hurting and aching body that didn’t allow you to even try to climb a tree, nor to make this little place a little more suitable and safe for you. You could be glad that you were able to haul yourself this far and didn’t have to sleep fully exposed to the cold wind and flesh craving dead. With trembling hands and tight breaths you tried to wrap the jacket even tighter around you, snuggling your head against the soft collar to let its smoothness and scent comfort you. And even though the jacket began to have a soothing effect on you again, there was nothing more you wished for right now than to find yourself back in the large bed like every other night, feel the way the soft, dark sheets were hugging your body while Negan’s arms were wrapped tightly around you and cradled you against his warm chest. All that was what kept you going in these moments when instead of Negan’s arms, the coldness and the lingering danger of the forest enclosed you before your exhaustion dragged you into its darkness.
Stripped naked and only wearing Negan’s leather jacket you laid on his large king size bed, surrounded by soft, black pillows and sheets while Negan hovered over you, admiring the view you were giving him. His beard and lips were glistening in your own juices as he grinned down at you, his eyes darkened as he let his tongue slide over his lower lip before he leaned in to let you taste yourself as he captured your lips in a hungry kiss. “You got no damn idea how long I’ve already wanted to fuck you in my damn jacket”, Negan purred against your lips before he leaned down to place hot kisses on your neck, grabbing and pulling his jacket further over your body while your fingers entangled in his dark hair. Grinding against you and nibbling on your sensitive skin, a gasp fell from your lips as he made sure that you knew how much it turned him on to see you wearing something of his. The warm and smooth leather felt even softer against your bare skin than the sheets beneath your body, his scent was all around you and combined into an intoxicating mixture along with his lingering and hungry touches, kisses and glances. “The first damn time I saw you wearing it…fuck, I could have already bent you over that damn railing on that platform and fuck your brains out”, he purred against your heated skin as he kissed and fondled your breasts, sending warm and almost electric shivers down your spine before he grabbed your hips roughly, ready fulfill his longing. Wrapping his strong arms tightly around your leather clad body you began to feel his weight pressing in on you before a breathy gasp fell from your lips as soon as you felt him sinking inch by inch deeply into your heat. A low groan fell from his lips as he was burying himself in your depths, his eyes shut for a moment before they fluttered slowly open, ready to catch your reactions to everything he was about to do to you. His lips captured yours once again, claiming you with each caress and with each and every time his hips snapped against yours as he thrusted himself deeper into you while you clung onto him, desperate and eager to feel all of him. His body and his leather jacket made it feel like you were completely enclosed by him as the thrusts of his throbbing dick, the mixture of rough and caressing touches, his voice and his low groans and moans, the marks he left on you along with his kisses turned you more and more into a trembling and moaning mess. And the very same happened to him as he got more and more lost in you, his hair tousled, his skin glistening in sweat while your touches, kisses, the rhythm you put in your hips to meet his thrusts and the simple mixture of your bare skin that was partly enclosed by his jacket made him shake in lust. With each pound and each touch he finally carried first you to your high, then the mixture of it all brought himself to his own as he collapsed heavily breathing and cursing against you, filling you with his hot release as he held tightly onto you even after the aftershocks of his orgasm had ebbed away.
The sun was already shining brightly when you stumbled through the forest, your body ached worse after the lack of care for your injuries and the hard ground you had spent the night on was taking its revenge on you. You throat felt like a dry desert again while your stomach rebelled as as you were that hungry that you were feeling utterly sick and dizzy. By now you were too weak to hunt or to try to search for some kind of berries that could get you through the next days, all you knew was that you had to find some road, some kinda street to follow so you had a chance to find back home or to be picked up by some search troops you were still praying for. One of your hands was grasping the end of the leather jacket’s too long sleeve, the other was clinging to your knife to at least give you the feeling that you could defend yourself it if would come hard on hard. Feeling how your legs got wobblier with each step you began to feel the helplessness rising in your body, the feeling of not being able to make it no matter how much you wanted it. Gritting your teeth in anger you cursed under your breath about yourself, about those thoughts you allowed to sneak up more often than you liked. This wasn’t just about you, this was about Negan too. You couldn’t put him through the pain of losing someone again, right? You couldn’t just give up, this wasn’t you nor did he deserve that. You had to go on, maybe just to see him wearing this damn leather jacket one more time instead of having it hanging on your trembling and weakly body till the very end.
“Baby? Hey, wake up”, you heard Negan’s voice mumble and felt his warm hand placing on your shoulder as he began to let you dive out of your sleep. “Hey”, you grumbled drowsily back, feeling how a smile began to grow on your sleepy face as you saw him sitting on the edge of your bed. “Come in”, you mumbled, shifting a little on the mattress and pulling the sheets up to let him slip in while you longed to feel him close after not being able to see him all day long. “Wait, didn’t wake you up for no good…I gotta tell you something”, Negan muttered as he fumbled nervously on the zipper of his leather jacket’s sleeve and made some confusion rush into your still dozy body. “What?”, you quietly mumbled, a thousands of possible scenarios already rushing through your mind as his hesitation and nervousness didn’t help. Negan breathed uneasily out, clenched his jaw tightly and “You know I….hell, I only fucking want you, right? I just-…fuck”. he grumbled, running his hand over his salt and pepper stubble while your body got filled up with more questions and emotions as he eventually let go of his jacket and looked right up into your eyes. “I left them”, he brought out as his glance wandered nervously over your face in the faint light, trying to read any reaction off of it while you thought for a moment that you were still dreaming all of this. You knew he hadn’t been with them for a long time by now, he had made sure that you knew but leaving them was turning what you had into something official, something that was about to change a lot for him as soon as it would spread like a wildfire through the Sanctuary. Happiness began to stream through your body as his words echoed through your head, letting you swing in a trance that got uphold by a cocktail of emotions which ran through your veins. “Did it this morning, hell, I wanted to tell you earlier…fuck, I should’ve even done that crap earlier and I-”, he began as his glance trailed off of you before you cut him off by moving in to wrap your arms around his neck as soon as your emotions were taking over. You could feel his chest rumbling against yours as he let out a relieved gasp and wrapped his arms tightly around yours, pressing your body closely against his as you snuggled your face into the curve of his neck while the rest of you felt his warmth through the soft leather of his jacket that melted right into the one his confession had brought into your body.
So you kept moving, slow and threatening to fall any second, but you moved. You tried to keep your senses as alert as you could, tried to keep your glance concentrated on the danger that could linger anywhere and tried to keep your muddled mind from tricking your ears into thinking that your slow and shuffling steps were the ones of walkers instead of your own. Sharply breathing in and out you made your way through the forest, hoping that you’d find a road somewhere in between this endless seeming wilderness. And just as your thoughts and hopes made your senses slow down, you suddenly felt cold and bony hands grabbing you by your shoulders.
You panted heavily, walker blood covered your hands and the knife you were grasping tightly while tears burned in your eyes as you stood in the middle of the forest, dead walkers laying to your feet as your panicfilled glance rushed over the trees and searched for the man you had lost as soon as the walkers had unexpectedly turned up on your run. “Negan?”, you called out as your voice got muffled by the growing lump in your throat while your body trembled like an aspen leaf and was conquered by the blood freezing fear of loss. “Negan..please”, you whimpered now as you could get your shaking body to take a few steps over the bloody corpses on the ground. Suddenly you heard footsteps, fast and heavy ones instead of slow and slurfing steps of walkers before your tears clouded eyes first caught something appearing between the trees that made you exhale deeply. Negan’s black leather jacket. A giant burden fell from your shoulder within milliseconds as you saw him rushing towards you, allowing you to breathe properly for the first time after the reanimated corpses had emerged in the forest. “(Y/N)”, Negan gasped out as he rushed closer, his hair tousled, his eyes as clouded as yours and his leather jacket splattered with dark red blood that stuck in small drops to his face as well. “Fuck”, his voice scoffed relieved and thick with emotion out as you let the knife fall out of your hands as soon as he pulled you into his embrace, pressing you against his body as you wrapped your arms as tightly around him as he had his slung around yours. “Shit, I was so goddamn scared…”, he gulped as he pressed you flush against him, burying his face into the nook of your shoulder while your fingers dug into the leather of his jacket, as if he’d vanish into thin air as soon as you’d let go. You didn’t even know what to say, you just let him cradle you as much as his chest as he could, let him hold you tightly so you could actually realize that this wasn’t just a hallucination. “Fuck…I love you”, Negan pressed still heavily panting out of his lips while your body got conquered by a complete other set of emotions as soon as you heard him say those three little words you hadn’t heard him say until this very moment “So fucking much”, he grumbled into the curve of your neck, while you were still overwhelmed, relieved and filled with a warmth he had just brought into your body while you were still clinging onto him, knowing that his muddled mind probably hadn’t even realized yet what he had just told you. “I love you too”, you mumbled back as you felt for the first time how he let slowly go of you until his glance could meet yours. He was smiling brightly, still pumped full with adrenaline and the cocktail of emotions that was running through your veins as well as your hands ran over his leatherjacket until you could rest your hands on his chest that was still rising and falling heavily beneath your palms Within moments Negan’s hands wandered up to your face, cupping your jaw before his lips pressed in a longing, desperate and relief filled kiss on yours. And within those small moments as you stood tousled and covered in blood of the walkers at your feet in the middle of nowhere, the day that could have ended as the worst turned into one of the best.
A gasping cry left your dry throat as you stumbled to the ground, groaning as soon as your back hit the earthy hardness while your panicking eyes caught the dead eyes of the corpse that was falling right onto your body. Groans and grunts left the rotting and wide open wrenched mouth of the walker, its arms trying to keep grab you to get you closer while adrenaline shot within seconds through your veins, shutting your mind down and activating the last bit of strength that was stuck in your body. Heavily panting and with more and more panic rushing through your body you struggled to keep the corpse from coming closer while its death reek was beginning to travel up your nose as it snapped towards you, just waiting for the right moment to sink its teeth into your flesh. Trying to tighten the grasp you still had on your knife you tried to get it closer to the walker’s head, tried to find a way around its arms that kept you locked to the ground. Panting, pumped full with adrenaline and fighting for your life you finally felt how thick, cold blood ran over your hand and dropped down onto the leather jacket as you buried the knife into the walker’s head, hearing its groans hush as they got replaced by the sound of the knife’s blade as it slid out of the bone.
Rolling the corpse off of you, you found yourself clinging to the ground, first noticing that hot tears were falling down your cheeks as whimpers left your trembling lips. Shaking you tried to gasp for air, still cowering on the ground like an animal that had just been shot by a hunter and was slowly bleeding out. The adrenaline was beginning to leave your veins and allowed your mind to work again as you began to realize that you couldn’t stay huddled like this to the ground, not in this position that made you weaker than you already were and not with a dead walker next to you which could have along with your fight attracted more of them.
You weren’t sure how long it took you to get back on your feet, to keep going even though it felt like you had a heavy rock tied to your neck that was dragging you further to the ground with every passing second. And while the dried tears began to leave an uneasy tension on your skin and your throat felt as rough as scrap paper, you kept clinging onto the jacket as if it could protect you and lead the way towards home. And just as you began to feel how your knees began to buckle and slowly give in, you suddenly saw the view of blacktop appearing between the trees and heard just as suddenly voices in the distance, familiar voices.
“Boss, we we’ve been driving and walking up and down the route about a thousand times already…I-”
“And we’ll drive this shit route another thousand fucking times if needed, we’ll brush our asses through this motherfucking forest for millions of fucking times. I don’t give a fucking shit. We don’t go back till we got her. Is that understood?”
By the sound of his voice you flinched and felt your eyes widen, felt your pulse going up within seconds as it pounded in your ears, felt your body pumping happiness through your veins that filled your body with new strength just before your muddled mind began to play games with you again. Were you just hallucinating all of this? Were you just so desperate to come back to him that you were making this all up? Was this your body sending you some last warnings that your fight was slowly coming to an end? You didn’t know. And just as you felt how the doubts tried to rise above you, you decided to fight them and find out yourself, as long as you still could.
Gaining your very last strength up you hauled yourself towards road, a part of you still telling you that it would vanish into thin air as soon as you would reach it. But it didn’t, the blacktop was solid and firm beneath your shoe soles and as you looked up, your eyes caught trucks not too far away from you, along with people that were buzzing around it and were streaming here and there into the woods. Tears of relief began to shoot into your eyes as you stumbled towards your release, while there was still a fear lingering deep inside you that you would wake up any second, cowering against the tree in the middle of the dark woods. But instead a gasp left your lips as soon as you saw faces beginning to dart at you while you were just searching for this one man but found another who began to walk warily towards you. Dark eyes darted at you, a thick mustache surrounded his lips and his brows were puckered in disbelief before they began to loosen up as he started to fully recognize your face. “It’s me”, you pressed out of your dry throat, desperate to make this hell stop, desperate to make any of them fully realize that you were the person they were searching for, desperate to feel Negan’s arms wrapped around you. “Boss! Boss, we got her”, Simon yelled out, and just as your eyes began to see him jogging towards you and just as you could feel his fingertips grasping you your mind realized that you were finally safe and allowed your body to give in under the burden and pain it had fought through for way too long.
But while your body gave in, you didn’t allow yourself to dive into the depths of unconsciousness just yet. There was something, someone, you had to see before you could do that.
Nevertheless you could feel your eyes fluttering, could feel your knees buckling before you slumped to the ground, only caught by Simon’s arms that kept you from collapsing right against the hard road. Your mind swung somewhere between the consciousness and unconsciousness as you suddenly heard heavy and fast footsteps coming closer that made it feel like the blacktop was vibrating beneath their force. All until they suddenly slowed down and your eyes that forced to close any second finally saw the face of the person you had longed for since you had ran away from the herd of walkers. Your blurry glance didn’t allow you to see the glance in his eyes or see if his lips were curled up, you could just catch the outlines of his face, the salt and pepper beard and the dark hair but it was more than enough for you. And with this little glimpse you got you allowed your body to sink into the darkness.
The next time you dived for seconds back into consciousness you heard the zooming sound of engines and felt strong arms wrapped around you that were cradling you against a warm chest, while the leather jacket was still hugging your body as a deep and familiar voice mumbled soothing words and warm lips pressed soft kisses on your forehead, just before you sunk back into the black depths.
Your body took its time stuck in unconsciousness to recover until it finally allowed you to slowly flood back into the light again. Like the very first time, you felt sheets enclosing your body and felt something soft beneath you instead of the hard ground of the forest. Something large and warm was cupping your hand, clinging onto it and caressing it before it suddenly stopped as a small groan began to leave your lips. “(Y/N)? Baby?”, you heard the soothingly familiar and deep voice say that was filled with hope, utter relief and devotion while the unconsciousness loosed its grasp even more on you and finally allowed you to slowly wake up. Gradually, your eyes began to flutter open until you finally got to see the source of the voice towering right over you. There were familiar hazel eyes wandering over your face, filled with deep affection and relief that were drowning their tiredness and the dark circles beneath them out, dark if not black hair that wasn’t slicked back but instead tousled from the thousand of times he must have run his hands through it in worry, the salt and pepper beard that was a little longer than usual and the leather jacket that had enclosed your body before was now back on him, clinging onto his broad shoulders and painting the picture you had wished for when you had stumbled through the forest. And then the man with the leather jacket didn’t speak up again, instead he leaned speechless and overpowered by his own emotions down to you until his hand could carefully and almost cautiously cup the side of your jaw and press the softest and most loving kiss he could provide on your lips that truly spoke louder than a thousand words.
The wind blew softly over the endless seeming hill, moving each blade of grass in a gentle rhythm, the warm sun let the green of the grassy hill shine in an even brighter shade while the sun’s rays hit the framed and colorful glass that was hung up on a tree not too far down the mound.
Normally, nothing on this idyllic hill would indicate or stand in any relation to a battle, actually, it looked more like a landscape that would be used in movies to let happy children play and run over the mound in all peacefulness and with heartwarming laughter. But now, now instead of happy children there were men and women armed with guns placed almost on the hills top, just a bit behind its peak so that anyone who’d approach from its foot wouldn’t see the lingering danger.
You leaned against the hood of the car that had brought you along with Negan here, Lucille resting right next to you against the metal as you could see Negan stepping towards his people that were gathering around him. “You’re gonna step all into a fucking line. when I count ‘two’ you step forwards till these fuckers can see you. ‘One’… ‘one’ means fucking shoot but thefirst ones are for their feet, blow up the durst right in front of them and around their sorry asses. It’s just to swing our fucking dicks out…They’re gonna be fucking circled. Thanks to Eugene here, we got enough fucking bullets to allow ourself such a move. And that’s the thing, they’re gonna see the power our fucking bullet-cum shots have! By then, they’re gonna drop to their damn knees and surrender”, Negan called through the air, his arms rising slightly while you secretly knew that this wasn’t the original plan. There were massive changes in it, changes made for you, changes made for the promise he had given you to find a way out. Without you, without the promise and without you setting him straight and showing him that killing everyone wasn’t him in any way, the first bullets wouldn’t meet the ground, they’d meet the heads and bodies of the people you still considered family. So this all, all these changes he had made seemed after last night and after the last talk you had like a last desperate chance to keep his promise, maybe even like a chance to keep himself from turning into something he wasn’t as well.
“They’ll fucking surrender ’cause there’s gonna be no way out anymore”, Negan called out before you heard the voice of one brave man calling back. “And what if they don’t surrender? What if they shoot at us, Boss?”, he called, letting a cold shiver run down your spine and even though you could just see the leather clad back of Negan, you knew that he was gulping harshly now, just as harshly and tightly as his jaw was clenching in these moments. “We fight back”, Negan tensely said, while even though this felt like the sharp blade of a knife digging into your body, you couldn’t be angry at him for this. If Rick would open the fire, Negan would be hogtied, with no chance of a different choice. Then it would be all about shooting or dying right there and only the thought of it, just like your deep fears of losing anybody else made you dizzy.
”You look damn fine together”, you heard Negan’s voice say as he snapped you back into reality. With a grin he walked back to you, gesturing with a chuckle between you and Lucille while his Saviors were getting ready. You allowed a smile to sneak onto your lips, just as he reached you and cupped the back of your neck with his gloved hand to caress your skin lightly. ”They’re making their way out of the woods now, only matter of five-six minutes till they’ve arrived where you want them”, the crackling male voice said that sounded out of Negan’s walkie, that didn’t only let his hand fall from your neck to grab the small device, but also made an awful tension accompany the one that was already making itself a home in your body.
“Alright, got it”, Negan spoke back into the walkie before he tucked it once again onto his belt and let his glance meet yours. ”It’s gonna work out”, he quietly mumbled, forcing the corners of his lips to curl a little up to give you an uplifting smile before he leaned down to press another kiss on your lips. In this moment, you didn’t even care about the people around you, all you wanted was just to feel him and let his kiss calm and comfort you a little. Your hands reached up to cup his face softly and hold him a bit closer before your lips slowly let go of one another.
”Boss?”, yo heard a man call as Negan backed way again just before he turned around and looked over to his people. ”Yep? What’s the fucking matter, Dan?”, Negan asked, his hand stroking one last time soothingly over your shoulder before he walked over to the man, his hand stroking over his salt and pepper stubble as you watched him disappearing between the Saviors.
You looked over the hill, just the thought that your friends, along with Daryl were on their way up here made heat and coldness mix horribly in your body and thinking about the reaction of your half-brother when he would ultimately see what you had with Negan made it only worse. Your eyes captured Gabriel crouching on the floor, his eyes staring with angst up the hill’s top, not too far from him stood Dwight, his hands tied while the prisoner cloth he was wearing brought memories up you just wanted to suppress.
Minutes later the men and women stood in line, creating something that looked like a long thread that wreathed along the hill’s side while your eyes kept darting at Negan and the gun in his hand. Part of you felt like you should walk up there too, another one told you to stay back, maybe even to simply show your friends that you weren’t armed, nor had the intention to fire a gun into their direction. So you kept leaning against the hood until the loud whistling of every single person that was part of the thread made the blood in your veins freeze. They were here.
“Well, damn, Rick, look at that. Pegged again. Pegged so very hard. I ambushed your ambush with an even bigger ambush”, Negan spoke as his voice sounded loudly through the bullhorn his device was connected to while you pressed your nervously sweating palms against the fabric of your pants. “How about you step out and face us?!”, Rick’s voice sounded loudly up the hill, sending chills through your body just before you heard Negan again. “Oh, I am everywhere, Rick. Some more bullhorns, more walkies. Pick a direction to run. See how you do. Make it fun for all of us”, he said, while you shifted on the metal, your hand finding the end of Lucille hoping that she might give you a little bit of the feeling of secureness, just like she had done it during Negan and Simon’s fight.
“Guess what else I did. I brought you some of your old friends. You remember your old buddy Eugene? Well, he is the person that made today possible. Same goes for Dwighty boy here. In case you were wondering, he didn’t ream you on purpose. No, he is just a a gutless nothin’ that sucks at life, and now he gets to stand up here and watch it all, and he’s gonna live with that”, Negan continued, your fingers tightening while the small breaths that left your body got accompanied by a bit shakiness ,”And then there’s you. It never had to be a fight. You just had to accept how things are.”
For a small moment, it got quiet, just before Negan’s voice sounded once again over the hill. “I know you’ve heard what I said last night. I fucking know you’ve heard the last opportunity my generous ass gave you. Now Rick, this is the time for decisions. Think I’ll give you a lil’ food for thought”, Negan said and with that you knew what was about to happen.
“Three! Two!”, Negan’s voice boomed as the men and women stepped forward, with raised guns, Negan’s arm lifting up as well while another set of cold shivers ran through your body, hoping that anything would just end well and those damn first bullets were the last ones that were shot today. “One!”
You had expected to hear the earsplitting sound of uncountable bullets being fired, you had even expected to flinch a little as soon as you would hear them, you had expected to see everyone in the line to still stand where they stood. But nothing of that happened.
Instead, a loud mess of the sound of clicks, gunshots and small explosions sounded through the air, letting you jolt in shock up as you saw the line of people going to the ground as their guns exploded in their hands.
“Now”, you heard coming from the hill’s foot, realizing what was about to happen now before your eyes darted immediately at Negan, his loud groaning in pain letting everything in you ache as you saw him turning furiously to Eugene, to the man who had made these bullets that left now a good bunch on Negan’s men dead, others groaning in pain as they held their hands and arms. “Eugene!”, Negan loudly growled while you still stood like glued to the spot, still realizing what had just happened before something ripped you horribly out of the shocked trance.
Gabriel suddenly jumped up, rushing towards Negan before his fist met his face, letting him stumble back as you found yourself wrapping your fingers tighter around Lucille just as the corner of your eyes caught Dwight loudly screaming and running towards Negan. Within milliseconds he tackled him, pushing him closer towards you before you could feel your other hand wrapping around Lucille as you rose her up, the adrenaline shooting through your veins while your mind completely shut down in these moments, the only thing that was keeping you going was the urge to protect him.
Dwight and Negan were only a few feet away from you as you let her rush with all force you had against Dwight’s back, letting him sink groaning to the ground while Negan’s glance snapped towards you as you heavily breathing stared at him and the gaping bloody wound the exploded gun had ripped into his glove and his hand. “Come”, you just heard him pant, his unharmed hand wrapping around yours as he pulled you with him into the paths the uncountable cars were creating.
You felt stuck like in one of your nightmares as you rushed over the ground while you began more and more to realize what was happening and that right now, right in these moments your biggest fears were on their way to fulfill themselves. Negan’s people were practically unarmed right now, their complete defeat just a matter of moments and you knew what Rick was about to do, what he had always said he would do. He would try to kill Negan.
“You gotta stay here, stay in or behind a car…just stay fucking safe”, you heard Negan pant as he suddenly stopped and turned towards you, his eyes filled with bewilderment about what had just happened while fear and concern mixed within. And just as you wanted to protest and tell him that you weren’t gonna leave him alone while Rick was about to begin his hunt on him and his people, you jolted up as a bolt shot in between the both of you and eventually shattered into the glass of the car behind you.
Your eyes snapped into the direction of the bolt’s source even though you already knew to whom this bolt belonged and the crossbow that must have shot it. Daryl.
Your eyes met his ice cold glance at the other end of the car mass, his eyes darted right at you, the accuracy with which you knew he could shoot letting you realize within seconds that he had purposely tried to split you up. And the blood freezing glare in his eyes showed you everything else you needed to know: He knew, He had known before and now he had seen the final evidence that gave the last drop of anger into the full barrel to let it deluge.
The muscles in Daryl’s face twitched dangerously, the crossbow still up as Negan’s curses sounded muffled through your head before Daryl got distracted by something on the side of the hill while you felt Negan pulling with him, away from the danger you had never thought and hoped would become one.
Your steps were fast, heavy and harder with each you took as you felt the tightening feeling in your chest that made it impossible to breathe freely. The so idyllic hill had by now turned into a place you just wanted to leave more than anything, the wind that had moved the blades of grass so calmly felt now biting against your skin, the sun rays felt like they were burning marks into you even though the sun was in its pleasant afternoon state and the reflection of the glass that was hung up on the tree that got closer and closer was dazzling your eyes. Your fingers laced tighter around Negan’s, your hands a shaky and sweaty mess while everything in your body began to refuse to let go of him, nor to let anyone else get this close who could just harm a hair on his head.
With one more stepped you reached almost end of the cars, just two more vehicles standing in the way before you abruptly felt Negan pulling the both of you to your knees, using a car as a hideout for some short moments. Panting he turned around, his glance meeting yours that was displaying a whole range and mess of emotions while a harsh gulp was pressing its way down his throat. “Listen, you gotta stay here, okay? They want my ass, not yours. And I’ll get this done, I’ll be fucking fine. Just stay safe”, he panted, his other hand reaching up to cup the side of your face, half reassuring and calming, half to make sure that you were listening to his words. ”Wait, wha-”, you stumbled out, ready to protest once again just before you got cut off by gun shots. “Shit”, Negan’s voice growled, your shaky hands pressing Lucille into his after you had held her with an unbelievable tightness for the last minutes. ”Stay back”, you suddenly heard him say as you heard footsteps and shots coming closer, revealing how close the person that could be no other than Rick came.
Within seconds his hand left yours, his legs letting him jump up as the adrenaline made you rise up as well, cold shivers running through your body as you caught Rick making his way out of the cars with continuing shots. “Negan!”, you called out, your body wrenching in indescribable fear as you could see him storming past the cars, down to the with glass decorated tree until the last vehicles kept you from seeing him but before you could do anything else a raspy and familiar voice behind you let the blood in your veins freeze.
“On ya knees”, he growled as you turned around, your eyes filled with shock and disbelief as he glared coldly at you. “Daryl-”, you tried to begin, but got directly cut off by his growling and snapping voice. “I said on ya knees!”, he yelled, letting you flinch as he darted the crossbow at you, the pain that was shooting through you beginning to let your eyes fill with tears as you began to sink down to the ground. “Daryl, I tried to help-”, you quietly said as you looked up at him, your voice shaky as he cut you once again off. “By jumping on that asshole’s dick?!”, he snarled, his words cutting into your skin like sharp razorblades as you tried to rally yourself. ”No, I-” ”Shut up, don’t wanna hear ya lies”, he snapped, his glance glaring down at you while this pain mixed with more fear as another gun shot sounded through the air. Your lips already quivered, everything in your body tightened threateningly while more tears began to make their way into your eyes as result of the indescribable pain and hopelessness you were beginning to feel. ”That’s the truth, pleas-” “I said, shut up”, he snapped again, rising the bolt that was secured into the crossbow’s string right up to your forehead as a pain filled shudder washed through you, trying to realize that Daryl was pointing his weapon at you as if you were his enemy. “You’re not gonna shoot me. Daryl, I’m your-”, you tried to get him back to seeing you the way he once had, just before his next words let you shadder on the ground. “Sister? Nah, (Y/N) you’re not”, he growled, pressing the crossbow closer towards you, “Ya said it to me thousands of times. family’s not blood, it’s way more than that…and ya were right for once…You’re no family anymore, you’re a stranger.”
The tears that had already lingered in your eyes were now spilling over, running down your cheek as you felt as if you got torn apart. Everything in you ached and wrenched, his destroying words burning into you and letting a horrible nausea wash over you, as one of your worst fears seemed as if they were about to become reality.
You were losing them.
They weren’t dying, no, but you were losing them on a whole different way. Daryl wasn’t just saying those words just like that, he meant them, he meant them with almost every fibre of his body while only a few seemed to stay xy, creating a small bit of stirring in his eyes as the tears ran down your face. All your hopes got shattered within these moments, all those hopes that everything was gonna work out and end up fine didn’t just vanish into thin air, they rather got set on fire while you had to slowly watch them crumbling apart.
“His people are down, surrendered and now, now Rick’s gonna end him”, Daryl growled, more pain running through your body as you still didn’t want this all to be true. A small part of you waited for you to wake up out of this nightmare, find yourself in the bed beneath the warm and comfortable sheets before feeling Negan embracing you closer and cradling you against his chest like he always did when you dreamed badly.
But you didn’t, you didn’t wake up because this was the horrible reality and it just got worse as Daryl grabbed your shoulders, dragged you further with him. “Daryl, stop”, you half growled, half shakily said as you felt his finger digging into your skin just as his head snapped towards you again. ”Shut u-” “No I won’t fucking shut up now, I never betrayed you, I swear. I just want it to stop. I don’t wanna lose anyone of you-” ”Ya already have. You’re dead to me”, he growling spatted, his brows puckering angrily as he dragged you further,”Gonna lose that asshole too now. Hope the fucks were worth it.” All you did was stare at him with more tears in your eyes, each word tearing you more and more apart and cutting deeper into you as the tone in his voice made it seem like all he saw in you anymore was Negan’s little fucktoy, which was the very last thing you were. The worst thing was that you knew Daryl, you knew that the anger was trumping the hurting by now and that he could grow unbelievably cold as soon as he had reached this point. He wasn’t gonna listen to you. For now, you really were dead to him, nothing was gonna change that in these moments and you painfully realized that in these moments.
Your whole body trembled, every single bit of you feeling as if you were burned alive while the fear that you could now also lose Negan just grew and began to eat you up. Eventually Daryl dragged you out of the mass of cars and towards a mix of Saviors with raised hands and people from the Hilltop, the Kingdom and Alexandria that were moving over the hill’s peak and were all staring down the mound.
And just as you reached them, just as you left the cars behind yourself you got pushed to your knees again, you saw what they were looking at.
Rick and Negan both standing, by the tree, panting and visibly haggard after another fight as Negan slowy rose Lucille until she was at the same height as his elbows while Rick seemed to talk. Cold shivers ran through your body, your heart began to pump even harsher against your chest as you shifted on the grass while you could feel your head beginning to pound as the fear in your body rose and the question of what was going to happen now echoed through your head.
Nobody was doing anything, every single person on this hill stood there in awe, not able to do something, not even able to tell what exactly was happening between those two men in these seconds. The tension in your body rose with every of these seconds, Daryl’s crossbow still darting at you before the hope that seemed so gone began to softly grow in your body once again and even formed a tiny relieving smile on your lips as Negan began to lower Lucille until her end met the ground.
He was stopping, whatever Rick was saying in these moments, whatever might be going through Negan’s mind in these moments, if it was his promise to you, if it was Carl’s letter or anything else, it made him stop.
Daryl’s words were still cutting deep, just the fact that he was still pointing his crossbow at you was letting shudders of pain run through you, but this scene down at the tree allowed you to grasp a bit of hope.
Maybe everything wasn’t as lost as you had just thought, maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe this was going to end after all, maybe Rick had finally seen that Carl had been right, that this didn’t need to be a fight anymore and that it was worth it to stop it, to find a way out and work for peace together. Maybe at least a tiny part of the future you wished so badly and long for would come true if they would finally pull themselves together now.
They were still standing like that in front of each other, Lucille now sliding out of Negan’s hands and with that you allowed the hope in you to grow a little more that this was the end of the war. So hell, maybe those little future plans Negan had said earlier in the car to you and the things you had dared to wish for were finally more reality than dream and you would just find yourself tonight with Negan in the big bed and fall asleep with him right there. That’s all you wanted, so that this goddamn rollercoaster ride of emotions and actions would finally end and you could just be happy for once in this fucked up world.
Maybe, the fear of losing Negan because of this goddamn fight would finally vanish and make room for the lightheartedness you were longing so much for. Maybe, with Rick and Negan stopping this whole thing, Daryl would someday at least consider to listen to you. So maybe, maybe this was the start of something better.
But then, you fell to pieces as Rick let his hand suddenly rush up against Negan’s throat and shattered all your hopes within milliseconds.
He had cut his throat in the moment Negan had least expected it.
Blood, blood was the next and only thing you could see as you ran, carried by your weakening legs, your body wrenching in unbearable pain, sobs erupting your body as the man you were falling so deeply in love with sunk to his knees, holding his throat as thick, red blood streamed over his hand.
You almost tripped repeatedly as your feet stumbled down the mound, your vision already blurred by the tears that ran unstoppable over your cheeks while whimpers and more sobs shook through you.
You couldn’t lose him.
You couldn’t lose him.
“Negan”, you whimpered as your eyes caught him on the ground, his body twisted as his hand still held his throat, his eyes fluttering while more sobs left your body as you sunk to your knees next to him. “Negan, please”, you whimpered as your hand reached up to his, letting it slide weakly to the side as you desperately pressed your palm onto the cut wound, trying to stop the blood from flowing even more out of his body. “He stopped, Rick!…He fucking stopped”, you sobbed as you turned around, his eyes staring down at you, his hands holding a bloody piece of colored glass while you broke some more apart by the sound of Negan’s quiet and wheezing gasps that let your eyes immediately dart back to him. “Hold on, Negan…please”, you whimpered, the hot blood covering your hands and fingers that had so lovingly caressed his beard stubble earlier, that had traced softly along his skin as he had held you, that had run through his dark hair, that had felt the comforting smoothness of his leatherjacket and that had laced with his fingers the last time he had assured you he was going to be fine. And now, now he was laying right next to you, his body twitching slightly, the wheezing gasps becoming quieter, his eyes becoming more glassy as they fluttered slower, his lips gaping open as his blood was coating you, coating the white shirt you had just this morning nuzzled your face into to feel his warmth and coating the white cloth you had wrapped around his wrist.
Your blurry vision tried to catch his glance that was becoming more and more glassy with each little second, staring into the emptiness instead of your eyes as you felt like death tried to take him out of your bloody grasp.
“Stay with me…plea-”, a sob cut you off, your whole body a mess as you slumped more in, your forehead sinking down against his, “I can’t lose you-…I-”.
But you were,
You were losing him.
You were losing right him in these moments.
Everything you had feared, everything that had brought you sleepless night was coming true now:
First your friends and Daryl.
You were losing everything you had.
One of your hands moved up into his hair, holding him tighter as his eyes closed and more uncontrollable sobs left your lips while your other hand kept pressing down on the wound, desperately trying to keep the blood in his body. “Negan, please”, you whimpered, your tears hitting his face as you crumbled down next to him, anything in you holding onto the tiniest hope that he would open his eyes again. Just a bunch of days ago you had gotten him back after everything that had happen at the junkyard, had tied your bonds with him tighter than ever before and now, now he was laying bleeding in your arms on the edge of death, letting the future you had dared to imagine with him disappear into thin air. Something about this took you horribly back to the day at the very beginning of this all, the day you had lost your family, the day you had stepped into your old home and had to see a large group of walkers tearing them apart, leaving nothing of them but the unbearable pain, the pain you had hoped you would never feel again but the same pain you were feeling right in these moments again which tore you apart. “Please”, you plead in a whimper, his blood covering more and more of you as you suddenly heard Rick’s voice.
Weakened by the sobs you slowly rose and heft your upper body off of Negan, still not completely believing what words had left Rick’s lips before you heard Maggie’s crying screams in protest to Rick’s change of mind and saw a young dark haired man running towards you, you had never seen before.
He let down his backpack as soon as he reached the tree and already began to open it with hastily hands. “Please save him…plea-…please help him”, you whimpered, your voice shaking as he kneeled down on Negan’s other side, beginning to grab medical utensils out of the backpack before his glance met yours. “Alright, you have to keep on pressing”, he said as calm as he could, nodding to your hand that was still placed securely on Negan’s neck. “I know this is hard for you, but you have to follow my orders now to save him, okay? Listen closely”, he said just as calm as he could even though a bit nervousness sneaked into his voice as you just nodded, tears still running down your face while every bit of you was determined to do whatever it took to save Negan, no matter what you had to do.
And so you blindly followed his instructions, tried to keep your muddled mind focused, let your hands move as quickly to the parts of Negan the young man ordered you to, all while Negan’s lifeless face and body were still ripping deep wounds into you. You tried everything to keep yourself working and tried to keep the fear of losing him out of your body to be the best help you could be in these moments until you fell into the state of just functioning.
You lost all feeling of time, had no idea how long it took until two other men came up to you with a cot and crouched down next to you, ready to take Negan as soon as the doctor would give them his go. His voice sounded at some point muffled through your head as it wasn’t directed at you but at the two other men, your eyes glued to Negan, glued to his lifeless seeming body and his blood that wasn’t only covering him, but you as well. You could feel your eyes becoming clouded with new tears again, feel the lump growing back in your body in response to the view of him even though a tiny bit relief in you washed up as the blood had stopped becoming more and the bandage around his neck was finally more white than red. “We’ll get him to the truck now”, you heard the doc say, only able to sound through to you as his hand laid on your arm and made your eyes snap away from Negan. You just nodded, watching paralyzed how the two other men began to carefully get him onto the cloth while your eyes followed each bit Negan’s body moved, still too scared that anything else could happen now.
When you first got on your feet again, everything around you seemed to turn as you could feel how all that had happened here beneath this tree had drained every bit of energy from you. When you first turned around again into the direction of the cars, the mass of people were gone, the Saviors were gone, the Alexandrian’s were gone, the people from the Hilltop and the Kingdom were gone, Daryl was gone, only Rick stood still on his weakened legs, while Michonne held Maggie in her arms who was still crying into Michonne’s shirt. You were too muddled, too much trapped in a trance to keep yourself focused on her, you knew she must go through horrible pain in these moments but all you wanted was Negan alive, the opposite of what she wished for. Right as your glance wandered off of her, your eyes captured Lucille on the ground while you instinctively knew that you had to take her with you, no matter who might try to stop you. This wasn’t just a weapon, this was way more for Negan. So as the men were making their first steps up, you leaned down and laced your fingers around her handle, actually feeling a tiny bit of the secureness she had given you before until you tightened your grab and made your way up.
You stumbled up the hill, your eyes only leaving Negan for a tiny moment as your eyes caught his present, the tiny diamond bracelet dangling on your wrist, covered in his blood as the evening sun made the now blood red diamonds gleam up in a way that let your guts twist.
You still found yourself shaking as soon as you walked over the hill’s peak, seeing a few people packing some things into the last remaining cars before their eyes darted at you, Negan and the three other men. You blended their glances out, just trying to concentrate on Negan as they loaded him into the back of the truck which brought another mass of emotions up in you. This wasn’t just any truck, this was the dark truck in which you had spent as good as all drives with him and eventually had laid in it’s back with him, on provisory mattresses and thick blankets before he had first kissed you. You gulped harder, new tears shooting up in your eyes as all those memories rushed through you before you heft yourself inside.
“Keep his head steady”, you heard the doctor say as calming as he could as you found yourself in the truck, your back leaning against its walls with Lucille right next to you as he carefully moved Negan’s head into your lap. “Okay”, you mumbled quietly and still shakily, your glance glued to Negan’s face as one of your hands moved to cup his jaw softly, the other buried in his hair to caress him gently as you kept his head steady. You knew he couldn’t notice anything around him, still you tried to move your bloody fingertips in the way you knew he liked it and which would let him hum contently in any other situation. Trembling breaths still erupted your chest slightly as you tried to keep them small, to not move Negan unnecessarily in any way as the transporter began to move down the hill and eventually reached the road.
Over and over again you internally told yourself that he was going to be fine as you stared down at him, your thumb stroking softly over his blood daubed beard stubble as you carefully and cautiously leaned down to place a small kiss on his forehead.
But still, the drive was the hardest you had ever taken. You could hear the voices around you, you even noticed them say that you were heading to Alexandria but that was it. Everything else just bounced back, not able to make it through your muddled mind as all you did was keeping Negan’s head steady, caressing him with soft and desperate touches while you kept on internally pleading that he was going to be alright.
When the car eventually stopped it was already dark, just the headlights of the truck illuminating Alexandria’s gates before you slowly drove into the place you once called home until the engine stopped once again and with this time ultimately. ”We’re there”, you just heard the doc say, before the other two men were getting Negan back on the cot, your body aching a little as you felt the loss of his touch, the fear that he could be taken away from you on a whole other way still deeply rooted in your body.
You found yourself walking over Alexandria’s streets with Lucille in your hand while you knew that the last time you had walked these paths this place had been on fire. But now, now the heat of the flames wasn’t biting into your skin, the cool night air was instead hitting your flesh that felt almost wounded from all the crying. You gulped harshly as you caught your reflection in the window of one of the houses, your face looking even haggard from afar, the puffiness and soreness of your cheeks, just like the aching of your burning eyes wasn’t visible to you from afar but more than palpable. You could see all your clothes and hands that were covered in Negan’s blood, leaving not only an awful tension on your skin but also harsh shivers that ran through you. Your glance left the window again as you could see where you were heading, the infirmary coming closer with every step you took while your eyes kept wandering to Negan, checking on him as if you could change something.
Finally, you could exhale a little as they eventually laid him onto one of the beds in one of the rooms of the infirmary the fire had left completely untouched, even though the flames had generally shown a lot mercy on this house and as much as you had seen it, only one or two rooms were painted in coal black instead of the white paint.
So there he laid, completely still, a little too tall for the bed while your fingers reached out to his still in leather clad arm, softly running your fingertips over its smoothness to calm yourself a little more down while you heard the doctor walking in and out of the house, as he seemed to get some other stuff.
For the first time you were alone with Negan again. Surreal and horribly real felt anything about this all at once, while all you wanted for him to do was just wake up, open his eyes, get that grin of his back on his lips before telling you another cringy and dirty joke he had picked up. But he didn’t, he didn’t even budged in the slightest way he just laid there in dead silence. You could feel your emotions boiling back up, urging new tears into your eyes as you gulped harshly in hope to remove the thick lump that was beginning to grow once again in your throat. Shaking you leaned down to him, your hand reaching out to the side of his head until you could feel his hair running softly through your fingers while you gently and cautiously to not hurt him more nestled your nose into his stubbly cheek.
For once his comforting scent was trumping the metallic reek of blood as your eyes closed while some lonely tears trickled down your cheeks and your trembling lips pressed a soft kiss on his skin.
You stayed just like that until you heard footsteps coming towards the room that made you flinch slightly before your eyes went up, meeting the doctor’s as his glance wandered first over Negan then you. “Thank you”, you mumbled, trying to force a grateful smile on your lips as you looked up to the man. “It’s my job”, he said back, a small smile on his lips as he gave you a nod. “I know, anyway, thank you for saving him”, you responded, your finger still softly stroking over Negan’s arm as if death could still take him away from you if you’d stop touching or feeling him in any way.
“I’m Siddiq by the way”, he said as you looked back up again, placing a small bottle he had brought with him on the countertop. “(Y/N)”, you said back just as you could see in his eyes that he was pondering about something. “Carl told me about you…in the night the bombs went off”, he said, his voice thick a he gulped slightly. “He helped me too”, he added, as you slowly began to put the pieces together, remembered the first sentences of Carl’s letter to Negan about the person he helped as he got bit. That person was Siddiq. ”I’m trying to give back”, he said, leaning slightly against the wall as he let out a small sigh. “You’re doing a good job at it”, you mumbled back, your glance wandering back to Negan and his chalk pale face that kept the concern in you up. “Good to hear. Before we clean him up and get to his hand…Michonne has already brought some new stuff for you”, you heard Siddiq say, letting you first look up to him, then to your clothes and your hands that were still full of his blood. Feeling it on you was horrible and you really did want to change and just get this awful feeling off your skin, but the fears of loss were still raging in you, worse than any feeling of blood on your body could ever feel. And if you would leave now and something would happen to him, whatever the hell it was, you knew you weren’t gonna forgive yourself that. “He’s gonna be fine”, Siddiq’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts, giving you an uplifting smile as you looked up at him and gulped heavily. “I’m a doctor, I should know, right?”, he added, still with the smile as you slowly nodded, before you saw his glance wandering to Lucille which you had leaned against the bed. “I’m not sure if Rick will allow the bat here”, he gulped, a tight breath leaving your lips as he let out a small sigh, seemingly seeing that you weren’t gonna give into this,”At least, please….at least place it completely out of his reach.” You looked at him, slowly nodding and realizing that he was right. You rather had her here and on the other side of the room than completely gone. So you grabbed her, your glance falling back to Negan as your fingers left his arm before you slowly walked across the room and placed her in a corner so that he would still be able see her.
“I’ll take care of him”, Siddiq added as he noticed how your glance fell back on Negan and you could feel some bad consciousness sneaking up in you for leaving now before you gave him a small nod and forced yourself out of the room.
Minutes later you found yourself in the bathroom, the new clothes laying on the edge of the bathtub while you rubbed Negan’s blood off your skin, watching it flowing down the drain while it took you repeatedly right back to the tree and Negan’s twisted body as it threatened to bleed out. Trying to focus to get this done quickly you peeled yourself out of the blood soaked clothes, kept washing off the blood, not only off your hands but practically of each part of your body that had touched Negan’s before you washed your face, trying to get the ugly and tensing feeling of the dried and new tears off your skin and eventually washed the blood off the small diamonds on your wrist.
With fresh clothes on and feeling a tiny bit better you walked back into the room, finding Siddiq sitting next to Negan, the removed and damaged leather glove laying on the nightstand as he took care of the wound on Negan’s hand. “Can I help?”, you quietly asked, letting him turn around to you before he gave you a friendly nod.
And with that, you got Negan eventually with Siddiq’s help out of his blood soaked clothes, began to clean him thoroughly up, got him into a new white shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants, renewed the bandage on his wrist and helped Siddiq with the one on Negan’s injured hand until you found yourself sitting exhausted on the chair right next to Negan. “Guess you want to stay here, right?”, Siddiq asked as he stood in the door frame before you have him a nod. “Yeah”, you mumbled, knowing that nothing and no one was going to get you away from Negan now. “Okay, I’m right on the first floor if you need my help”, he said, as you gave him a small but tired smile just before he vanished behind the door and his foodsteps descended until you couldn’t hear them anymore.
Slowly, you lowered your head onto Negan’s chest, the faint pounding of his heart beat beginning to calm you a bit down as it assured you that he was staying right with you. Your hand found his again as you let your fingers lace with his and allowed yourself to close your eyes, feeling his scent and warmth enclosing you even though you knew that the fears of losing him wouldn’t allow you to fall asleep. Instead of laying happily with him in the big bed at the Sanctuary as you had wished, he laid horribly injured in this bed, your own body slumped against his side while the the fears wouldn’t let you go. Your mind had already problems processing everything that had happened on this day, the questions of what was going to happen now to the Sanctuary and most of all Negan as soon as he would wake up were ghosting through your mind. But after all, they got pushed away by the simple fact that he was alive and that mattered the most to you in these moments.
Restless days and nights followed. Days on which you were only leaving his side for the most necessary things, on which you did your best to help Siddiq to renew Negan’s bandages, on which neither Michonne nor Rick were coming in, on which you asked yourself if Daryl was ever going to be able to talk to you, on which you found yourself like glued to Negan’s side, still too afraid to leave him, on which you realized even more how much he meant to you, on which you caressed him with soft touches as if it would make him wake up sooner. Nights in which you rarely slept and when you did, nightmares haunted you that took you right back to a Negan that was bleeding to death and which made you wake up in cold sweat and made you break down in tears only to be comforted by feeling Negan’s pulse and heartbeat until you huddled yourself against him as close as you could.
The sun was shining softly through the windows after yet another hard night, your fingers were tracing slowly and lazily over Negan’s arm before emerging footsteps lead your glance towards the door and eventually caught a person you hadn’t seen in days. Michonne. With a plate of food in her hands, a cup in the other she walked towards you and eventually placed it on the nightstand before she nodded towards it. “You have to eat, Siddiq told me you haven’t done that since you’re here”, she said, the tone in her voice aloof as if she didn’t know how to handle you after everything that had happened. “Thank you, but-”, you mumbled, not feeling hungry at all before she quickly cut you off. “No but, you have to eat”, she determinedly said before you gave her a small nod, knowing that your body actually needed everything she had brought you, even though you still weren’t sure if you’d be able to get any of it down your throat. For a few moments you could see Michonne looking at you, as if she was trying to read you, her glance then wandering over Negan and your hand that was still placed on his arm. Your glance met hers, unsure what to say, unsure if you should tell also her that you had never betrayed them, unsure if she would believe you but before you could even do a thing, she preempted you. “We’ll talk some time later”, she mumbled before you slowly gave her a small nod and even though that didn’t sound like much, you were glad that she was at least willing to talk to you. Turning on her heels she walked back towards the door before she moved one last time around and let her glance met yours. “Siddiq said chances are high he is going to wake up today”, she said as you shifted slightly on your seat, not quite sure how to answer. “I hope so”, you eventually brought out knowing, that in the end she knew anyway of what you had with Negan. “Me too”, she calmly said before she ultimately turned around and left, leaving you with the feeling that they had planned something for him, something you didn’t know in any way about.
The day went just like the last days, with the only exceptions that you kept on wondering what Michonne or even Rick might plan and that the chances of finally seeing Negan opening his eyes again were higher than on any other day.
You shifted slightly on your chair as the midday sun streamed through the windows, taking a sip of the water Michonne had brought you before you could feel Negan shifting beneath your hand. Snapping your head towards him your eyes widened slightly, part of you believing you had hallucinated before you heard a tiny and raspy groan leaving his lips. “Negan?”, you mumbled, a relieved smile beginning to plant on your lips as you moved up from the chair and instead sat down on the bed’s edge to see more of him. Slowly, his eyes began to flutter, letting feelings of happiness stream for the first time in days through your body as you reached up to softly cup the side of his face. “Negan?”, you mumbled again, trying to help him to get out of the last grasp the unconsciousness had on him before you saw him slowly opening his eyes. “Baby?”, you heard his raspy and exhausted voice say, his glance confused as if he was still trying to find himself before his eyes caught yours and let another wave of relief wash through you. “Hey”, you just quietly mumbled, the wide smile on your lips now unable to remove anymore as your thumb softly caressed his stubbly cheek. Just as you opened your mouth again to continue you heard footsteps and caught Siddiq walking into the room. “He’s awake?”, he asked as he stood actually a little surprised in the doorframe. “Yes”, you mumbled as you first looked up from Negan and saw the doctor walking with fast steps towards the bed just as a dry cough went through Negan’s hurting throat that let him grimace in pain. “You’ll get him some water? I’ll take care of the rest”, Siddiq said as he grabbed some of his utensils while you nodded before your glance fell back at Negan. “I’ll be right back”, you said, assuring that his still exhausted mind understood you before you leaned down to let your smiling lips press a kiss on his forehead until you eventually got up from the bed.
You had a hard time leaving him, now that you finally had him back but if you could at least make him feel a little better with some water that would stop his throat from being the dry desert it must be now, you were okay with it.
With fast steps you rushed towards the kitchen, hearing the beeping of a walkie and Siddiqs voice saying something that was not understandable to you as you searched for a water bottle and a glass. With your hasty hands almost pushing everything in your way over and making it all actually harder for you than it had to be, you almost hadn’t noticed Michonne and Rick stepping into the house. Just as you grabbed a water bottle you saw them coming inside, their glances brushing for a short moment over you before you realized that Siddiq must have called them, telling them that Negan was awake. You could feel the tension in your body rising as you saw them making their way out of the kitchen and instead heading towards Negan’s room as exactly this tension made your hands even more hasty.
“We know you’re awake”, you heard Michonne’s voice sounding faintly through the walls as you grabbed a glass and heard her continuing after Negan must have quietly responded something, "Good, because we need to tell you some things. And you don’t have to open your eyes now. But you’re gonna open them soon. Because we’re gonna make you watch what happens.” “And this isn’t about who you killed. No, we’ve killed people. No, this is about what you did to us, what you did to so many people. How you made people live for you, how you put people under your boot”, you heard Rick’s voice say just before Negan’s raspy and weak voice spoke up. “I saved people!” “Michonne”, you could hear Siddiq say while the water was rushing into the glass just as the tension and restlessness in you grew more as you heard her voice again. “He needs to know. This isn’t a discussion.” “We can open up his stitches for a little while just to remind him”, and with that coming out of Rick’s mouth you grabbed the glass and rushed towards the room, your protectiveness over Negan rising up once again as your fast footsteps sounded through over the wooden floor.
Just as you stepped inside the room you saw Rick turning around to you, but even more you saw Michonne’s grasp wrapping around Negan’s injured throat. Heavily gulping and an in concern narrowing glance you walked towards the bed and caught her eyes. ”Please, I think he got it”, you mumbled as calmly as you could, persuading Michonne to let go as instead you placed the glass of water on the nightstand before your fingers found Negan’s bandaged hand until his fingers for the first time in days responded to your touch as you felt how they curled slightly around yours. “Carl pictured something better. All of us working together for something bigger than all of us. And you’ll have a job, too”, Rick said as he walked up to Michonne the tension in your body rising as you could hear in Rick’s voice that it wasn’t gonna be something good. “Yeah. You get to be a part of it”, Michonne added, your glance switching between them and Negan before you heard Rick speaking up once again. “You’ll be an example of what this will be. We’re not gonna kill you. We’re not gonna hurt you. You’re gonna rot in a cell. For the rest of your life, day after day”, and with that, a cold shiver ran through your body, letting every inch of you ache as your eyes were glued on Negan, his still glassy eyes staring up from Rick up to the ceiling as his brows slightly puckered.
The shivers in your body didn’t stop as you curled your fingers a little tighter around Negan’s, the shock rooting deep in your body as your mind forced you to imagine him in the cell Morgan had build so long ago.
But what did you expect? Rick had let Negan live but letting him run around free or even making a deal with him now was something you had hoped for even though you didn’t believe it yourself. He still despised Negan with every fibre of his body and everyone else including Maggie and your half-brother wanted revenge, you could even imagine that they still wanted his death and were everything else than pleased with him ‘just’ being held as a prisoner.
”You’re gonna be evidence that we’re making a civilization, something like what we had, something we’re gonna get back. And you get to watch it happen. And you get to see how wrong you were about what people can be, about what life can be. You, alive, is gonna help show people that things have changed, that keepin’ you breathing earns another way, a better way. That’s the part you’ll play”, Rick said, the slight growling in his voice clearly audible as Negan gulped, the muscles in his cheek twitched while his lips pressed into a thin line “So after all this maybe you’re good for something”, Michonne added, before they looked one last time at you and began to leave the room along with Siddiq.
“I didn’t know”, you quietly mumbled with a gulp as their footsteps had hushed. Your glance moved to Negan, looking apologizing at him as you felt him softly squeezing your hand the way he so often did when he wanted to give you some comfort. Your glance wandered over the door before you first let go of Negan, rounded the bed to eventually close it to give the both of you a little more privacy.
Just as the door closed with a small thud you heard Negan’s raspy gasp before you turned around and looked into his eyes that stared clouded with some tears at you. “I stopped…i tried to-”, he mumbled before the hurting of his injury cut him off, just as you reached the bed again and sat down by his side. “I know…I know, I’ve seen it”, you softly and soothingly said, leaning a bit down as your fingers caressed over his cheek, his eyes still looking at you as you knew how much it meant to him that you had seen him do what you had always plead for and seen him keeping his promise to you. The emotions washed back over you as your forehead sunk against his, his eyes closing while you first felt this specific kind of warmth streaming through your body again as both of your lips found one another. Even though the longing and even desperation in you called for a more passionate kiss you kept your touches soft, still too afraid to hurt him as your lips moved gently in rhythm with his.
“I was so damn scared”, you mumbled shakily against his lips as you couldn’t keep those words locked up anymore, feeling his hot breath hitting your skin as he leaned slightly up to let his lips capture yours again.
You leaned deeper in, longing so badly for feeling him with you after all these restless days.
“Lucille’s here too…took her with me”, you mumbled eventually as your forehead leaned against his again before you slowly backed away to reveal the bat that stood in the corner. “Wasn’t allowed to keep her closer but so you can at least see her”, you said, a small smile growing on Negan’s lips as his glance wandered from the bat to you. “You’re the fucking best, you know that?”, his raspy voice mumbled, letting a bigger smile grow on your lips before he weakly nodded to his arm. “You gonna come here?”, he quietly asked as he tried to move his arm a little to give you a bit space on the bed. You nodded, carefully lowering your body until you sunk against him, your arm wrapping around his torso, your leg hooking around his to keep yourself securely on the bed, your face nuzzling into his chest until you felt his warm skin and the tickling chest hair beneath the fabric of his shirt.
Negan tried to wrap his arm a little tighter around you, the weakness of his body still keeping him from moving much more as a tight breath let his chest rumble.
“And what now?”, he quietly asked after a while of just laying like that with each other. “We’ll get together through this”, you mumbled, repeating the words he had once told you whole trying to keep the relief and happiness in your body up and trying to not let the shock over what Rick had said trump or even push them away. “Is that what you want?…Fucking whole life with a prisoner?”, he asked tensely, his weak voice still slightly shaky as you looked up from his chest. “Yes, if that prisoner is you then yes”, you said, not even letting the thought of you wanting him less just because he wasn’t the leader of a community anymore and instead a prisoner settle in his mind. Negan’s face loosened a little up, his eyes becoming softer as he heard your words. “I’ve almost lost you…I won’t let that happen again”, you quietly said, as after the last days had painfully but truly shown you what he meant to you and after almost having him bleed to death in your arms, you refused to let anything in you hold you back from showing him. Everything could be over so fast, that was a lecture that had been given to you again on the most painful way so you weren’t gonna waste any more time.
“And after all…Rick has gone from wanting nothing else but killing you to this here, so he can someday go from taking you as a prisoner to something else, something better too”, you quietly mumbled after a while as you shifted a little more against him, as you tried to give him some of the hope you had urged yourself to have for the future. Negan’s glance captured yours as he gave you as much of a nod as his injury allowed him to while a tight breath left his lips, showing you that you couldn’t stop now. “You know I don’t think you had the right methods,…but I know you had the right intentions”, you muttered, letting out a small sigh, “So I know that you can find other ways, and maybe some time you’ve found them and Rick will see that too…who knows.”
Negan’s arm tightened a little more, as you reached up, your hand cupping the side of his jaw as he slowly leaned into your touch, his brows puckering a little in pain as he closed his eyes for a moment, the injury and the truly life changing and hard words Rick had said obviously weighing hard on him.
“No matter how long this all that might take, I’m with you and I’ll stay with you, okay?”, you mumbled, trying to comfort him a little as he opened his eyes again, his softening glance wandering over his face as a small smile pressed into the corners of his lips. “Okay”, he quietly said, his hand moving a little more over you as he tried to pull you a bit closer before you let your head sink with a smile back onto his chest and felt him cradling you as much as he could against his body. “You know what?”, you whispered softly as you cuddled closer, “That’s my promise to you.”
“Shh…it’s okay”, you quietly mumbled in the most soothing voice you could provide to the big man that laid sobbing in your arms, his face buried deeply into the curve of your neck while his hot tears dampened your shirt.
You didn’t have to think much to know that no one at the Sanctuary had ever seen the big bad wolf just as nearly emotional as now, that had just been left to you and no other person. But even to you this was new, even though you had thought you had already seen him in all kinds of possible states.
And so the urge to calm him down and comfort him grew with every second while you could feel the waves of pain that washed through your body with every sob and whimper you heard coming from him.
“Fuck…fucking shit fuck”, he half growled, half sobbed as he clung onto you, a trembling breath erupting his chest before you began to lean back into the bed, half dragging him with yourself to make the both of you lay down.
“Everything’s gonna be fine in the end, okay Negan? Everything’s gonna be okay”, you said, your hand reaching up to run your fingers soothingly through his hair just the way you knew he liked it while the sound of his cries and the feeling of the shivers that ran through his body let a thick lump grow in your throat.
Negan didn’t respond a thing, he just held you tighter in his arms to keep you as close as possible while your voice and touch seemed to finally begin to slowly calm him down.
Minutes later, his chest was still rising at a fast pace up and down, but gradually the sobs stopped and all what left his lips were small and shaky breaths. Slowly, you felt him moving his head a little until he could lean his forehead against your neck while you turned your face slightly to place a small kiss on his skin and let your fingers caress over his salt and pepper stubble.
“I don’t fucking know how to go on”, he shakily said, his favorite curse word pressing in a stronger manner out of his lips as if it would display his whole desperation. “Then we’ll find a way how. The most important thing is that you can. You can go on, I know that…and you know that you can count on me. No matter what”, you soothingly said, your fingers caressing now over his temple as another heavy breath shook his chest. “I don’t even deserve that, I don’t deserve you-” “Stop, you deserve me”, you cut him off, not even letting these thoughts settle down in his mind that were ghosting through it whenever the fears and regrets of his past mixed with new ones.
Slowly, Negan moved up, his usually strong body now still weakened before his glance met yours. Even in the faint light you could see the marks the tears had left on him, his eyes still slightly swollen, the dried ,and new and wet tears sticking to his skin while his usually carefully slicked back hair was now slightly tousled. His forehead began to lean against yours, his still unsteady breaths hitting your skin as you reached up to softly remove the last tears from his face and beard stubble.
“We’ll get through this, okay? Together”, you mumbled as your eyes met his just before you could see him nodding while his arms wrapped a little closer around you. “Okay”, his now croaky and raspy voice mumbled before he slowly leaned down until his still trembling lips could meet yours. Softly and displaying all the affection you felt for him, your lips began to caress over his as you could feel him sinking more into the kiss as if it was the solution to all of his problems.
And of course it wasn’t, that would be too easy and good to be true, but in some way the kiss was the beginning of the solution you both would achieve. Together.
The cold wooden floor beneath your feet let small goosebumps spread over your skin as you slowly shuffled towards the bathroom, the faint moonlight that shone through the big windows indicating that it was still in the middle of the night. And that’s also what it felt like, after tossing and turning for hours, trying to get some sleep that didn’t end up in waking up after felt minutes again, you found yourself opening the bathroom door, using your last hope that some cold water would get your head at least a little clear. Your head, that was still full with what could happen soon, maybe even in not much more than a half day from now.
The words that had fallen from the early evening on were still booming through your head, Michonne’s voice reading the letter, Negan’s answer, your emotional response until you had made him realize that what he had said was nothing but bullshit that wasn’t even him but just pure frustration and anger about what had happened and eventually, Negan’s last call over the walkie to Rick, trying to tell him that this was their last chance to make it right and get out. You knew they had heard it, but simply the thought of that nobody had answered made everything in you cramp.
Negan’s small grumbles in his sleep were sounding softly through the room as you left the bathroom door behind yourself open and instead stumbled towards the sink. Within seconds the cold water began to ran out of the faucet, filling your palms until you could splash it into face and feel the cool drops filling your skin with freshness. For moments you just stayed like that, letting the water flow in small trails down your skin, your eyes closed as you let your hands grip the side of the skin until you grabbed a small towel and dried yourself up, the hope that the cold water would make you feel better slowly vanishing out of your body.
For once, your thoughts jumped to Daryl and the question if Rick had let your half-brother know about the relationship you had with Negan or if tomorrow would be the very day he’d find out in the worst kind of setting and situation possible. Either way and no matter how hard you tried to suppress it, deep down you knew that it would make him despise you with every fibre of his body. Before he could have even known about anything you had with Negan he had already driven the garbage truck into the Sanctuary’s walls, seeming as if he was even ready to sacrifice you for the sake of a win against Negan or maybe he just didn’t think about it, let alone care anymore. Once again either way, just thinking about that let you feel a stinging pain all over you that was gradually seeping into every cell of your body. If he’d find out now, who knew what he was else capable to do, even to you.
You let out a deep sigh, pushing yourself away from the sick as your glance already caught Negan shifting beneath the sheets of the bed at the end of the large bedroom. Things between you were off the table again, next to the call to Rick you had talked it out and you still knew that the reason for it all was just the heavy burden that was also weighing on his shoulders just like you knew that you weren’t gonna let this whole thing tear you apart.
“Sweetheart?”, you heard Negan grumble drowsily as you saw him turning his head irritated as he didn’t find you sleeping in his arms just before his glance caught you standing in the faintly enlightened bathroom.
“Coming”, you said, pressing a small smile into the corners of your lips before you turned the light off, shut the door behind yourself and walked back towards the bed. His dark hair was slightly tousled as he shifted a bit up into the pillows, his sleepy glance turning worried as you climbed back into the bed. “Can’t sleep?”, he asked concerned, his hand running over his stubbled cheek. “Yeah”, you muttered back, feeling how he already reached out to you to pull you closer again. “Shit…”, he mumbled, a deep sigh leaving his lips as his eyes darted at you. “You’ve been tossing and turning too, huh?”, you quietly mumbled as you could see him tensing slightly up while he quietly nodded. “Come here”, he grumbled still drowsily as he lead you over to him until you could lay down on top of him.
As soon as your body touched his, his arms wrapped around you, tucking you along with him beneath the dark sheets while you let your head lean against his neck as you nestled your nose into his warm skin. “Isn’t that way too uncomfortable for you?”, you quietly mumbled after shifting a little before you felt him instead holding you even tighter. “Hell no”, he muttered, pressing his lips onto your forehead. “It’s fucking heaven”, he grumbled instead, his hand running down your body, giving first your waist a teasing squeeze as he gave you just a small example of what kind of access his hands had to your body in this position.
For a moment, it got quiet, his head rested against yours, his arms kept you securely on top of him before you heard his deep voice again. “We both just gotta let loose again. Like in that damn movie night…to not go around the damn bend”, he quietly said, his hot breath hitting your skin ,”It’s not a fucking long-term solution, I know,…but we’ve dealt with enough bullshit today.” You knew what he meant, it wasn’t a running away from the problems or issues of the war or even the ones at the Sanctuary, both of you knew way too well that this was some kind of race you couldn’t win. But this letting loose was rather something to gain more energy for the next fight. After all, you both could also need it badly after the fights of this day.
You hummed quietly as you felt his hand moving up to your face, beginning to let his thumb draw lazy circles over your temple, exactly how he knew you liked it all while his warmth and scent enclosed you more with every passing second. “Just gotta pretend it’s just us two, just this damn fucking room and outside’s nothing or-”, he began again, a small chuckle leaving his lips as he continued, ”Hell, outside this thing here’s just a damn landscape with giants dicks as trees, if you like.” “Sounds good”, you quietly chuckled back, as you leaned a little more in to kiss the sensitive skin of his neck. A deep purr in approval rumbled through Negan’s chest, motivating you to keep going as you kissed slowly up the thick vein that boasted on the side of his neck. “Fuck…”, he let out in a another purr before a low chuckle rumbled through his chest,“You got a thing for my neck, don’t ya?” “Maybe”, you mumbled with a grin on your lips and a slightly teasing tone in your voice back, a chuckle leaving also your mouth as you pressed another kiss on his skin. You could feel that you began to loose up a little, allowing the happiness about the fact that he had left his wives for you stream back into your body, accompanied by the comfortable and safe feeling you had when you were with him.
You shifted slightly up his body until your lips could place on his and caress them softly, all while he still held you tightly as deep, content growls let his chest vibrate against your body. For a short moment and just as your lips let go of his, you caught his still sleepy glance looking at you, his lips forming into a small smirk against yours.
All before he held you a little tighter and rolled you beneath him, a strained and sleepy grunt leaving his lips before you could feel his weight pressing in on you. “Shit, didn’t go as smooth as I thought”, he grumbled with a drowsy chuckle as his hot breath hit your skin. “Still too dozy?”, you asked with a small laugh back as he leaned in and let his lips meet yours again. “Mhmm”, he grumbled as an answer against your skin, before his answer turned into a deep content hum while his salt and pepper stubble scratched softly against your skin.
With the next kiss you melted into him, beginning to lose yourself in him like he lost himself in you, just like in the night before. It was all still slow, maybe even a little lazy as the drowsiness was still stuck in him, the warm and comfy bed throwing in the rest as you could feel that not just you, but also him needed to feel the other one to relax and to let go of the thoughts that wanted to conquer both of your minds.
Negan’s warm hands were roaming slowly over your body, feeling you thoroughly up and rising the heat in you while the effect you had on him was clearly palpable through his grey sweatpants as he adjusted himself just a tiny bit. “You know what? I know some shit that can help loosing us the fuck up”, he mumbled still with that raspy sleep voice against your lips, the small grin on his lips clearly audible before just a small approving hum of yours let him dive back into another kiss.
Slowly, each kiss got deeper, each touch got more longing and each layer of the clothes you were wearing got less. And all that intensified until you could feel his bare skin against yours again. Your legs slung back around his hips, his arms holding you tightly as his lips brushed over your skin, leaving warm shivers behind that washed in comfortable waves through your body. His deep voice lulled you into a lighthearted trance, your finger’s ran into his dark and still tousled hair and dug softly into his skin as soon as you felt him eventually sinking deeply into you, filling you up with a pleasure you couldn’t even put into words.
Long, slow and drawn out thrusts let breathy moans leave your lips as you clung onto him, gradually feeling as if there truly was only you and him. And it stayed this way, this slow and even sensual, his sleepy glance finding yours between some deep kisses while you could feel that the purpose in these moments wasn’t to fulfill the hunger and longing that were still lingering in both of you, but rather to just feel each other as close as possible.
His arms kept holding you tightly, his body pressed just as tightly against you while everything felt at ease for these moments. His hips moved in rhythm with yours, sending intoxicating waves of pleasure through your body as he thrusted deeper and filled the room with deep growls and groans that were accompanied by your soft moans. Every tiny bit of both of your bodies seemed to touch and to melt into one another as you sunk more and more into a trance that fully filled you up with the lightheartedness his touch managed to create in you. And even though you knew that this kind of sex, this kind that wasn’t in any way there to fill a void or to simply satisfy a need and nothing else, was still something Negan had to turn up again you could feel him letting completely go.
And you stayed this way, this entangled in each other with no clue where you ended and he began until you found him laying right next to you again, his fingertips tracing up and down your back as you shifted on your stomach, watching his glance that was darted at you. His eyes stayed focused on following his fingers until he caught you and a grin began to grow back on his lips. “Next time, I’ll fuck you that goddamn hard that you won’t be able to walk for fucking days, you know that, right?”, he chuckled quietly as his fingertips trailed down your spine. “Yeah, I know”, you mumbled back, a small laugh leaving your lips as you grinned slightly at him through the smile that was still laying on your lips. “Good”, he said, his brows rising suggestively as he bit his lower lip and leaned in to let his lips meet yours. “As long as you carry me for those days when I can’t walk”, you joked against his lips as he let out a small throaty chuckle. “Nah, I fucking want them to see what the hell I did to you”, he teased, grinning widely before you shoved his chest playfully. Still lowly chuckling you felt him pressing a kiss on your forehead and pulling you into his arms and against his warm chest before you could hear his deep voice rumbling as his hot breath hit your skin. “But now, hell now, we’re first gonna sleep like on goddamn clouds.”
The scent of coffee was filling up the room in the morning as you found yourself leaning against Negan and trying to keep yourself in the lighthearted mood you had woken up with after last night. Your hands cupped the warm mug as Negan stretched his long legs out that were once again covered in the grey sweatpants before the arm that had rested around your waist instead reached out to the table. Eventually, his hand grabbed a small bundle of thin white cloth that was almost as thin as a gauze bandage while you knew, without a word from him, that it would end up around his left wrist. You couldn’t even exactly remember when, but some day in the past he had told you that the reason he was wearing it was simply because baseball players wore it around their wrists and lower arm as well.
You shifted slightly against him, hearing his throaty chuckle before you heard his voice. “You wanna put it on?”, he asked a bit teasingly, not actually expecting you to take it before you reached out and grabbed the small bundle. “Alright”, you just said with a small chuckle, beginning to turn towards him on the couch while his hand already placed in your lap. “I mean, you’ve already helped me fucking shave”, he chuckled, grinning at you as soon as you looked up at him and remembered the moment that had happened so very long ago. “So this is the next step, or what?”, you asked laughing, perking your brows up before a wolfish glance washed into his eyes while his tongue slid slowly over his lower lip. “Nah, next step is shaving somewhere else”, he mumbled grinning, his head nodding down to his crotch just before he rose his voice again. “Just guess you wouldn’t like that afterwards. Couldn’t rub against your fucking sweet spot anymore”, he purred, grinning even wider as his words had the wished effect on you and made not only a grin but also some heat rush into your cheeks and body. “Then good, that I’m instead busy with keeping your wrist safe”, you chuckled after a few moments as your glance left him and you began to roll the bundle of cloth around his wrist and arm while his hand still rested on your thigh.
A half hour later Negan stood in the middle of the room, sliding his leather jacket over his broad shoulders before he grabbed Lucille and let his glance meet yours as you shifted slightly on the leather couch. “You’ll find me in the hall, okay? Just gotta be there and give some stuff to some of my men, just to keep everything in fucking line”, he said before he walked towards you and leaned down until he could place a kiss on your lips. “We’re taking off in an hour and a half, till then, do whatever keeps you fucking relaxed and the shit thoughts out of your pretty head, alright?”, he mumbled, before pressing another kiss on your lips. “Hell, you even got enough time to let yourself a nice ass bath in…still got some of those bath bomb thingies in the cabinet if you like”, he said with a small chuckle as you gave him a small nod and smiled against his lips. “I’ll give it a try”, you mumbled back, feeling his warm breath on your skin while his hand reached up to cup the side of your face and let his thumb stroke over your skin. “Great, ‘cause I need you to test it so we can get in this thing together next time”, he grinned uplifting, trying to paint a future you both would like to see before he pressed his lips one last time onto yours. “See you later”, he mumbled, his hand patting your cheek softly before he made his way towards the door and let Lucille rest carefully on his shoulder. One last time he looked back, giving you a small and uplifting smile before he opened the heavy wooden doors and eventually vanished behind them.
You took his advice, you actually let yourself a bath in and popped one of those bath bombs in that had the comforting smell of lavender before you gave your best to shut down and keep the thoughts out of your head. The bubbles smoothed your skin as the warm water enclosed you while you tried to get rid of the small feeling in you that told you how ridiculous, even shitty it was of you to take a bubble bath while both of the sided were getting ready for the final stroke.
Eventually you found yourself back in the bedroom, putting some new clothes on before you caught yourself wearing one presents from each side. The leather jacket that was by now used up and full with scratches which had once been a gift from Daryl he had found on a run when you had still lived in the prison. And the other one was the tiny and slim diamond bracelet that dangled softly on your wrist that Negan had gifted you a long while ago. A small scoff left your lips by the bittersweet feeling the combination of those two things gave you, before your glance went to the wooden door. You walked towards it, the steps you took feeling heavier with each moment until you grabbed the handle and looked one last time back into the room that had become your home. Every inch of it was packed full of memories and feelings, that were witnesses of the whole journey of your and Negan’s relationship and which made this room to something more than special. Every fibre of your body wished that Negan and you would be back here tonight, laying down onto the soft sheets of the bed and fall asleep in each others arms while you had finally found a way out of this conflict. You knew, deeply down and somewhere in the depths of your mind, that this was more of a dream than reality, but still, that didn’t hinder you from wishing for it as you finally opened the door and left the room behind.
A good bunch of minutes later you arrived at the hall that was filled with people, scurrying and swarming around like busy bees in a beehive. You leaned yourself against the railing of the upper metallic path that winded around the walls as your glance searched for Negan, trying to find his tall frame underneath the mass of people before four loud shots let your glance snap.
With a small handgun in his hand as he lowered his arm you saw him standing in the middle of the hall, turning towards Eugene and Gabriel after seemingly testing their handmade bullets. A cold shudder ran down your back as the echoes of the gunshots sounded through your head and your glance caught what Negan had shot at. A hay roll, topped with a hay stuffed shirt that had Rick’s name written on it in big, black letters. A harsh gulp travelled down your throat as your glance wandered over and over again over the bulletholes in the shirt, reminding you of what could happen today. Negan would keep his promise, you knew that especially after the previous day and night but still, things could go horribly wrong. After all, a promise to try to find a way out would only work if Rick was willing to do that as well and if not, if he would even start to shoot first, you knew that there would be no other possible choice for Negan than shooting back.
While the tension rose once again in your body, you made your way down the stairs until you could find yourself a path through the people. For a short moment your glance met the ones of some of Negan’s former wives while you could see in their eyes that Frankie and Tanya had now that they were back also heard of the ultimate end of the “arrangement”. Amber’s eyes were still glaring at you, just like they had done it yesterday but after all this time of him not even visiting them anymore and with it being official now, there was just next to the gratification that still streamed through you, carelessness about whatever they were thinking.
Finally you had left most of the people behind you as your glance met Negan’s which turned a little softer as soon as he recognized your face. “There you are”, he chuckled enthusiastically, raising his arms slightly before you reached him. “Here I am”, you said, pressing a small smile into the corners of your lips before you felt him pulling you closer until his lips could press onto yours and pull you into a deep kiss that took you for a moment aback. “Gotta show them you’re mine”, Negan mumbled teasingly against your lips as soon as he felt how perplexed you had been for a small moment. “I think they got that way before”, you chuckled back before his laugh and his hot breath hit your skin. “Well, then I gotta show them what I do to you”, he mumbled, repeating the words from last night before he let with a grin go of you, just as something caught his attention.
“Lance! Duke!”, he called out to the two men that were leading a bunch of other men through the mass, one of them with light blue hair that made you wonder how the hell he had gotten the idea of dying his hair in the middle of an apocalypse. “Boylan Road.
Map will show you where I’ll be if there’s trouble”, Negan said, grabbing a map out of his pocket before handing it over to the blue-haired guy. “No, we got this one locked down, Jefe”, he said with a quick hand gesture before he tucked the map back. “Damn straight you do”, you heard Negan say with an approving nod before the men made their way out of the hall. “Idiots”, you just heard Negan’s grumble, the glance in his eyes already telling you that those men were part of his plan and with that, more than fucked.
Negan’s hand placed on the small of your back, just as you turned around and saw Eugene and Gabriel still standing at the point where you had seen them from the upper railing. Gabriel looked better, still not completely well but compared to the states you had seen him in he seemed to be on a better path. Your glance moved away from Gabe and instead caught Eugene grabbing something out of the pocket of his coat. “(Y/N), a handgun selected only for yours truly by me”, he said in his stoic way as he held the gun towards you all while you already slowly shook your head. “Thanks but…you can give it to someone else, I don’t want one”, you said, feeling the tension rising in you once again. You weren’t gonna shot at anyone today, you didn’t even want it to come that far that you had to, even though the sight of the gun made you painfully realize that it could very well come that far. And after suppressing this for so long, it now scared the hell out of you.
Eugene shuffled the gun back into his coat, just before Negan gestured smoothly at Gabriel who had watched the scene between you and Eugene as well as he could, letting you realize that he had also seen how close you and Negan were by now. “Why don’t you tag along, Gabey?”, Negan asked, his fingers making a small and swift gesture, “It’s a nice drive.
I got some shit that I want to confess.” Negan’s arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you a little closer as he seemed to notice the tension in your body, before he gave both of them a small nod, ”Now, if you’d excuse us.”
The bright sunlight dazzled you as you found yourself being lead by Negan to a part of the courtyard that was severed from the others. It seemed even a little peaceful as the only thing that could be heard were the songs of the birds and only in the distance the voices of Negan’s men and some starting engines. “Thought we needed a small breathing spell before everything starts…saw that you were tensing up again”, Negan said with a harsh gulp as his hand stroke slowly over your arm, his eyes darted at you as you leaned yourself against the wall behind you. “It’s all just getting real now, we- I can’t even pretend anything else now”, you said, a deep sigh leaving your lips as you could see Negan’s brows perking for a short moment up. “It’s something else too, huh? Something you haven’t told me yet”, he asked, the concern clearly audible in his voice as you gulping clenched your jaw. He was right, more than right but the words didn’t want to spill out of your mouth yet. “Baby?”, he asked again, his hand reaching up to let his fingers lace softly around your chin until he could make you look straight into his worried eyes. “What if things don’t work out?”, you brought in a whisper out, the single sound of those words letting you cringe and internally wrench in pain. “All this time, I’ve just been suppressing it because I’m the awful master of bottling shit up…I just keep telling myself that it won’t go south but I can’t just think anymore that it’s just gonna be alright…’cause it couldn’t”, it broke out of you, saying all those words you had kept yourself from saying or even thinking about over the last time ,“The thing with the guns there just gave me the last push to realize it.”
Negan gulped harshly, a deep sigh falling from his lips as you could tell from the glance in his eyes how much fear was rising in him as well, simply regarding your future together in case he had to shoot at the people you still called family. “So what if things don’t work out?”, you whispered again, the tingling in your nose already showing you that there were tears that just waited for their moment to shoot into your eyes. “I don’t know”, his voice brought out, breaking slightly at the end as his deeply worried glance met yours for a moment before it trailed off, not able to take the view of seeing the pain that displayed in your face.
The tears began to find their way into your eyes now, the desperation and tension that had build up trying to find a valve before you felt the first tear falling down your cheek. “Shit”, you growled frustrated to yourself, wiping the tear forcefully off your skin as you could feel the anger about yourself growing in your body. “The last day I didn’t cry on was just a fucking tearless day because I was unconscious”, you growled, frustrated about yourself, frustrated about the whole situation that made you feel more and more weak and helpless with every passing moment ,”I feel like some whiney bitch who doesn’t have anything under control anymore.” With that, Negan’s glance snapped up again, his brows puckering angrily. “Bullshit, you’re no whiney bitch, don’t talk like that about yourself”, he sternly growled before his brows loosened up again and his glance turned softer as he let out a deep sigh and pulled you into his embrace. “Just been a lot this last time, too fucking much”, he mumbled into your hair as soon as you leaned your face against his neck, closing your eyes to feel every bit of his warmth to let it calm you down.
Negan’s hand reached up for a moment, stroking over your hair before it trailed down your back and eventually let his arms tighten again. “We’ve been through so much goddamn crap together. We’ll get through this too…”, he quietly said, his head leaning against yours as you could feel him gulping heavily ,”I won’t let this shit make me lose you. I’ve lost…I’ve lost Lucille, I won’t lose you. Not gonna happen.” His voice was still a little shaky as he pulled you once again closer, as if it would prevent anything that was trying to tear you both apart from ripping you away from him. “No matter what the hell that means”, he added, a weird mix of determination, fear, sternness and shakiness laying in his voice as a tiny bit of relief washed into you as you slowly backed away to look at him, just before you could feel him pressing a kiss onto your lips, that felt like its purpose was to calm you both down. “I’ll keep my promise as fucking much as I can”, he mumbled against your lips, your eyes still closed as you felt him cradling you against his body. “I know.”
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned…Probably…Any second now”, you heard Negan say, a tiny smirk on his lips while he was fully in the role of the leader again, the shakiness from before completely gone out of his voice and instead he sounded confident again. He leaned back in the passenger seat in the front of the car that was moving over the highways, while you sat in between Gabriel and Eugene, trying to get comfortable and trying to keep your legs under control in the tiny space you had left. “Now, those men I sent out down there on that road setting up that roadblock with the dead not knowing they’re joining their cold asses any second”, Negan continued, his hand stroking for a short moment over his jaw and stubbly cheek. “Because Rick and his band of pricks, they’re gonna hit them hard. You know, I don’t enjoy sacrificing my own people. You know that, right?”, he asked, leaning back a little more while there was this tiny bit in his voice that let you know that even though he had changed the plan already a little, he still wasn’t fully comfortable with it. “I mean, those guys back there, they came up with Simon. Some of us had to take one for the team, it may as well be them”, he added, justifying his purposes while you could feel Gabe shifting slightly next to you.
“I still don’t understand”, the priest said, just before you heard Negan’s voice again. “Ricky was slipped some intel, make him think he can get the jump on me. The thing is, it came from a less-than-reliable source, so if I were him, I’d be scouting ahead”, Negan said, his eyes wandering for a short moment through the rear view to you before he looked to the road again, “Taking out that little road-block crew is gonna make Rick think he’s got the real story, where I’ll really be. They’ll come to get me. But, see, that is the trap. And that is how we will get them. They’re going to find a map with the time and place I’ll be and they’re gonna believe it. Because they will have killed all those poor bastards”
“So that’s it? That’s your confession? When you spoke before, you seemed almost as if you didn’t want it to happen”, Gabriel said after Negan had told him about some more details, just as you could see Negan gulp. “It ain’t about want, Gabey.
It never was”, he breathed out, a sternness and tension in his voice before he let out a sigh. “Still doesn’t have to be that way, but that’s also in your friend’s Rick’s hands He’s gotta decide if he’s gonna switch the very last brain cells he got left on or if that fucker’s gonna continue that “I’m gonna kill you crap”. Be fucking aware of that, Gabe”, Negan continued after looking through the rear view at you again, as if he was reminding you that the promise was still very present in his head.
You could feel Gabriel’s glance sticking on you before you turned your head slightly, looking into his eyes that were still slightly blood rimmed while his brows puckered in disbelief. “I don’t understand you”, he muttered almost inaudible, his words letting a small shiver run through your body, “How can you-” Before Gabe’s sentence could finish the car drove a sudden and harsh curve, Laura’s voice at the steering wheel scoffing and cursing about a walker. Within seconds the glance in Gabriel’s eyes changed, his head and body turned away from you as you suddenly heard the clicking of the door.
And with that it sprung open, Gabriel rolling his body out of the still driving car while you gasped in shock, hearing Negan’s loud cursing echoing through your head while you still stared at the open door.
“Hang back! He can’t see crap”, you heard Negan’s loud voice boom as soon as you had slipped out of the car, your eyes searching for Gabriel who was by now probably already running into the depths of the forest. “Shit”, you grumbled under your breath just as you began to walk next to Negan, his face all tensed up while his jaw clenched tightly. You didn’t even know what as about to happen now, what Gabriel would face after doing something like this but you already knew that it wouldn’t be something nearly good.
You let out a tight breath as you got deeper into the woods. seeing Eugene vanishing somewhere in front of you between the trees while you kept on making fast and harsh steps through the underwoods. “Look at you.
Where does your faith go when you truly need it? Hmm? Seems to me it’s the only time worth holding on to”, you heard Eugene’s voice say just before you caught him behind a few trees, his hand raised as he pointed a gun directly at Gabriel’s head. Another tight breath left your lips as you could see Negan beginning to strut towards him, Gabriel’s eyes meeting yours for a moment before Negan patted Eugene’s shoulder. “Sorry, Eugene.
I’m gonna have to call dibs on Gabey boy myself”, Negan said, your head snapping with in anger puckered brows towards him as Lucille’s end harshly met Gabe’s stomach before he sunk groaning to his knees. Seemingly catching your reaction from the corner of his eyes, Negan sighed deeply, his glance shortly meeting yours before he let out a deep scoff. “You got some assload of luck, Gabe. More than your sorry ass deserves”, Negan growled, the muscles in his cheek twitching slightly before he looked up at the Saviors that had followed you and were now approaching. “Load him into the car”, Negan growled, gesturing at Gabriel before his men grabbed him until he watched them shoving Gabriel back towards the cars. You let out a deep sigh before you heard Negan’s voice as he turned a bit towards you. “He really got luck that you’re here…without you, I’d ended his goddamn ass.”
The rest of the drive was quiet, Gabriel was now sitting in another car while you had taken his place on the seat behind Negan. You passed countless of fields and parts of the forest until the cars began to leave the paved road and instead made their way up a grassy hill that looked way too peaceful to be the ground for an upcoming battle. “Stop, right here. The others can gather around us, tell them that”, Negan said as you were almost at the top of the hill right before the engine of the car stopped and Laura hopped out of the car to inform the Saviors that were driving up the hill behind you. Negan shifted in his seat, turning slightly around before his eyes could look at Eugene who still sat completely stiff on the other side of the car. “And you Eugene, you’re gonna get your ass outside as well and take care of the last guns”, Negan said, his head nodding to the door as he cleared his throat slightly. “Yes, Sir”, he muttered with a strong nod before he got himself out of the vehicle as well and shut the door with a small thud. “Got any orders for me?”, you asked jokingly, trying to loose yourself up as a grin grew on Negan’s lips. “Nah, just stay in the backseat, I’m gonna join you in a sec.”
Moments later he let himself fall next to you on the backseat, a scoff leaving his grinning lips as soon as you could feel his body against yours. “Shit, now I realized I could’ve used that opportunity”, he grumbled with a throaty chuckle, his brows moving suggestively up, the wolfish glance grew in his eyes as his tongue ran slowly over his lips. “Well now you’ve squandered that chance”, you teased, feeling how he laid an arm around you before you let yourself sink against his side and laid your head onto his shoulder. “Ah I know, but the next fucking chance to get you on your knees will come”, he chuckled lowly, his arm slinging a little tighter around you before it got quiet for a moments as you closed your eyes and tuned out the voices of the men and women outside that were getting themselves ready.
“In a few minutes we’ll step outside this shit car and get this done. We’ll find a fucking way, okay?”, Negan mumbled into your hair, his gloved hand reaching up to stroke a loose hair strand back while the warmth and smoothness of the soft leather send warm waves through your body. “And then, next time we step back in here we’ll be on our way home”, he said, pulling you a little closer as you could feel his lips forming into a mix of a smile and a grin against your skin as he continued,”And as fucking soon as we’re there we’ll swing our asses into the kitchen, you’ll let your man make some tasty as shit spaghetti and we’ll round off the evening by fucking on the goddamn table till its legs break.” “Sounds good, huh?”, he added with a small throaty laugh as a chuckle left your lips. “Very good”, you quietly laughed, letting him loose you up and distract you as long as he could. “Oh and by the way, I got a very special treat for you as dessert”, he grinned, letting his hips jerk slightly up while another chuckle left your lips. “Wonder what it could be”, you teased back, leaning your head some more into the nook of his neck while the hot breath that escaped his lips as soon as another chuckle left them hit your skin softly.
You let out a content sigh, forcing yourself to stay in this mood until the moment would come everything of this would turn utterly serious. “Dwight, over here. Now, Idiot”, a man outside scoffed, letting you first know that Negan had taken Dwight here as well and with that, some memories from last night washed back into your mind, even more as you felt Negan tensing slightly up.
Slowly, you leaned back until you could look at him, his arm still keeping you close while a small gulp traveled down your throat. “This whole betrayal shit with Simon and Dwight…I know that’s still weighing on you”, you quietly mumbled, a tight breath leaving his lips as his glance met yours before you rose your voice again. “Now I haven’t said it yesterday…but I just wanted you to know, that no matter who or how many might turn on you…I always got your back”, you mumbled, still a bit surprised by yourself how easily these last few but deep words left your lips.
A big smile grew on Negan’s lips, not a grin, not a smirk, just a big and heartfelt smile that stayed on his lips as he pulled you back into his embrace and cradled you against his leather clothed chest. “I fucking always got your back too, you know that, right?”, he mumbled into your hair as he kept you for moments tightly against him while his reaction let some happiness stream back into your body. “Yeah”, you muttered into the warm skin of his neck, hearing him letting out a small, content hum as you stayed for moments like this until you felt him shifting as the voices outside the car and on the hill began to mix some more.
“Alright, then lets get out and face this”, he eventually said as you backed a little away, his gloved hand giving yours a small, uplifting squeeze before you heard the clicking sound of the opening door.
And then you stepped out, back into the reality that would decide over your future.