“Come on, tell big ol’ Negan where the fuckin’ shoe pinches”, Negan drawled, propping his elbows onto the wooden surface of the kitchen table to get a little closer to you and allow his hazel eyes to lock with yours. But instead of keeping them locked you glanced back down to poke some more in your lunch while he you heard him letting out a small but deep sigh. “It’s just a bit much right now…everything”, you mumbled, clenching your jaw uncomfortably as you tried to pack your feelings and thoughts into words without revealing too much yet. “What? The shifts? Sweetheart, I already told you I can take some more off of you”, he said, his voice turning a little softer, even concerned as exhaled tightly and looked up at him, shaking your head slightly. “That was great with that one shift, and I’m really thankful for that but I can’t do this on a regular basis…when I get a special treatment each and every time I’ll stir something up and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna lose the other’s respect or even become some kinda underdog because of that”, you mumbled, spinning your fork uneasily between your fingers as if it would be the answer to each and every of your problems. “They wouldn’t fucking disrespect you, not if I-”, Negan began, stern and with protectiveness swinging through his voice before you stopped him right there. “Negan”, you said, glancing up and capturing his eyes at you cut him off, knowing too well that his intervening would make it all just worse. Another deep sigh fell from his lips as he clenched his jaw and puckered his brows slightly, pondering before his eyes met yours again. “Alright…I get that. but either way, I got the damn feeling you’re not telling me everything that’s buzzing through your pretty head”, he said, his glance intensifying as soon as it had your eyes on lock, refusing to let them go. You shifted uneasily over your chair, attempting to use your food once more to distract yourself from the situation while you exactly knew that he was right and even more, that he wouldn’t stop until he had pushed all concerns out of sight. So yes, there was something more but you couldn’t tell him, hell, you’d make a fool out of yourself and turn this all into a huge embarrassment, maybe even change things between the both of you. You were growing closer, but not that close yet to ask for something you had immediately thought of the moment he had asked. It was simple, yet complicated as hell. And this thing was nothing else than a hug. A simple but proper hug. You couldn’t remember the last time you had one, it had probably been years and each time you thought of this long time a quote you had heard some time before the world went to shit ghosted through your head: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” According to that, you’d be stone dead. You damned yourself often enough for even thinking about it, in a world such as the one you were forced to live in, hugs weren’t or shouldn’t really be within the top priorities on the list. Either way, you couldn’t deny that you were in deep need for one, especially with the stress you found yourself stuck in. You just craved to feel safe and all comfortable for once in this whole mess and the person who could give you this was right in front of you, but you’d do hell to ask him. Fuck no, you weren’t gonna do that, no matter how much something in you wanted to let your guards down for once in his strong arms. “So what is it?”, Negan asked, urging a little more while curiosity and worry mixed in his words as he reached over to you, taking the fork out of your fingers and laying it down next to the bowl, stealing your distraction and forcing you to finally look consistently into his concerned eyes, “I’m serious, Sweetheart.” A tight exhale fell from his lips as you stayed reluctant, not knowing what to do now. You couldn’t lie, Negan would be able to tell within the matter of milliseconds. “Listen if you don’t wanna talk, I’ll respect this shit. Just got the feeling you’re holding something back that really wants to get the fuck out”, he said, keeping your eyes locked as a shudder ran down your back, making your mind work flat out. “Like I said…it’s just a lot and I just-”, you stopped, finding yourself struggling horribly, “I could-” You sighed, letting your glance wander through the room, trying to find some hold on the beige paint on the walls or the wooden shelfs before your eyes fell back on Negan’s, knowing that you couldn’t get out of this anymore. “I…don’t laugh at me or something…I just- in this here…I could use a hug”, you mumbled, your voice becoming quieter with each word until your glance fell embarrassed to the wooden table plate. “You’re kidding me? Why the hell should I laugh at you for that”, he said with a soft chuckle, letting your heart that had already dropped by the first few words rise up again. Suddenly, the creaking of a pushed back chair sounded over the wooden floor boards, guiding your glance back up and letting it fall on Negan, who rounded the small table until he stood shortly in front of you. “Alright, Baby. If you want, well damn, I’m right here”, he chuckled, letting your lips gap open in surprise as you glanced up at him and looked into his brightly shining eyes and the pearly whites he flashed with his wide but softer turning grin. “You don’t have to-” “Well, what if I fucking want to, Sweetheart”, he chuckled, opening his arms a little while his eyes roamed over your face. “I’m not only the damn king of fucking, I give great ass hugs too – even though I gotta say I got a little damn rusty in this, haven’t done this in a long ass while too…anyway, now you wanna get in here or nah?”, Negan’s deep voice drawled, sending pleasant and excited but at the same time nervous shivers through your body before you found your body taking over your mind as you stood up and felt Negan’s hands reaching out to your waist, spreading goosebumps all over your body as soon as you felt his touch. Seconds later his strong arms wrapped around you as yours slung around his torso, letting him pull you flush against his firm chest before his warmth and musky scent surrounded you. The soft leather pressed blissfully against your skin as you leaned your face first cautiously against his shoulder, before feeling yourself growing a little more confident as you felt him pulling you closer, allowing yourself to slowly nuzzle your nose into the warm skin of his neck. A deep hum rumbled through his chest and up his throat, letting it vibrate softly against your body as he leaned his head against yours while your emotions seemed to dance wildly within you, as if they got finally released after an ice age of frozen still stand. You could feel yourself loosening more up with each second, melting into his tall frame as if he was the perfect fit for yours while the excited and nervous emotions slowly ebbed down and allowed the comfortable, safe and peaceful ones to show their faces. A whole different kind of warmth began to spread out in you, began to stream through your veins and flow into each and every of your cells as he cradled you against his chest, with each time his warm breath brushed over your skin and with the way he had his arms wrapped around you just as if they built a wall of safety that allowed you to finally let your guards down. A content and freeing breath fell from your lips as you found yourself stuck in a beautiful trance, not fully realizing yet that you were hugging the big bad wolf of the sanctuary. You could feel one of his hands beginning to caress your back, moving just a tiny bit up and down, brushing his rough fingertips over fabric of your shirt while he slowly let his head drop down to your shoulder, holding you even closer than before. The suspense you had felt prior was flowing out of your body with each second you spent in his embrace, with each bit he cradled and caressed you, showing a side of him you hadn’t fully seen and discovered yet, a side he maybe had forgotten about all these years as well. Slowly, you drifted more and more into the beautiful and peaceful trance, losing yourself more in him while you could feel his body melting closer against yours, as if the very same thing was happening to him as well. Feeling how your lips curled into a content smile against his skin your mind made one last act before letting your emotions fully take over, whispering softly that the big, strong and though man who was holding you so tightly in these moments certainly needed this hug and your closeness just as much as you needed his.
Summary: Locked up and alone with his terrorizing thoughts, Negan’s jealousy and fears of loss get even worse as they’re provoked by another nerve-wracking encounter which eventually lets a promising night with the reader turn into the horrible opposite.
Warning: tiny hint of smut, Negan being jealous as hell (and a bit from Negan’s pov again!)
Slowly, you began to drift out of your sleep, first sensing the warmth that was surrounding you, a comfortable and soothing warmth that was building another, a fuzzy and blithe one within your own body. Shifting softly, your eyes began to flutter slightly until they were half open, glimpsing at the bright sun rays that were already enlightening the cell. For a moment, you stayed still before you could feel his arms tightening carefully around you as you cuddled a little closer. A sleepy hum was leaving your lips as the warmth surrounding you got stronger while you nuzzled your nose into the comfort of his neck, pressing a soft kiss to his skin. Gradually, you began to drift more out of your sleep, step by step until you finally got fully back to consciousness and began to feel that there was something hiding beneath this warmth that let it suddenly feel different than every other morning. It was tension that was coming more and more forth out of its hideout, a tension that was usually only stuck in his body when a nightmare had haunted him in his sleep. Confused and still stuck in the drowsy shroud the past sleep had left on you you shifted slightly, raising your head sleepily from his shoulder until your eyes could glance at Negan, look into his hazel eyes that were surrounded by a certain darkness even though their soft orbs got enlightened by the morning sun. “Mornin’, Baby”, he mumbled, his voice was soft as he spoke those two words, completely contrary to his eyes that were backstabbing him in the attempt to keep the mask up his deep and soothing voice was trying to build. His drawl hushed as your eyes wandered over his face, over each of his handsome features, trying to find out if there was actually something bothering him or if your sleepy self was just hallucinating. There was no way he’s had much sleep in the last night, his eyes were yearning for rest while the dark circles beneath them were underlining each of the minutes that had been stolen from him in the past night. His lips were falling into the form of a thin line as soon as his words hushed and were letting the rest of his facial muscles align with it, creating a mine on his face that not only let the confusion grow but formed a bigger concern as well. “Morning”, you mumbled back, your voice a little croaky from the sleep as you gulped slightly, “Everything okay?…Did you have a nightmare or something?” Your voice was a bit quieter than before as your eyes kept being captured by his as they still caught the muscles in his cheek twitching as he clenched his jaw. Slowly, he began to shake his head, creating with each movement more confusion until he finally spoke up. “No, I’m fine…just didn’t catch much sleep”, he grumbled, attempting to pull you a little closer and caress your waist with his large hand as if he wanted to soothe your concern. But he couldn’t, the glance in his eyes and the suspense in his body were too revealing for you to believe him right of the bat and it didn’t take more than another glance of yours for him to realize his failed attempt. With a deep sigh, his eyes wandered for a second through the room, as if he was pondering about what to tell you until they met your glance again, “-And Rick the prick had the fucking glorious idea to change up the guard.” With puckered brows and a questioning glance in your eyes you looked at him, still confused as he let out a humorless chuckle and shook his head slightly again, reluctant to continue at first. “Negan, what’s wrong?…Who’s the new guard?”, you asked, careful and with the drowsiness stuck in your voice as he let out a small sigh, as if he was trying to hold something in himself back as his eyes wandered to the high windows of the cell. Before you could hear his voice echoing through the cell again, it got replaced by the sound of dull footsteps that made their way down the stairs, letting the mine on Negan’s face harden with each step the unknown guard was traveling further south. Your confused glance switched from Negan’s tensed face towards the cell door, trying to catch the moment the reason for Negan’s behavior would be revealed. For a moment, you expected Tara or Rosita to step in front of the metal bars, see their dark hair and dun eyes piercing through the door but no, you saw neither of them. Instead there was an ash blonde thatch peaking through the gaps and glaucous eyes staring right at you, belonging to the figure of a man that let anything Negan’s voice and face had displayed make sense within seconds. Caleb kept looking at you for seconds, provoking Negan’s arm to tighten around your waist a little more with each of it while your eyes stayed on your friend for a couple of seconds, “Morning”, Caleb mumbled, giving you a quick nod while your surprised glance was still stuck to Negan’s new guard and the realization that this change would just throw more logs into the fire of jealousy that burned deeply within Negan, no matter how unfounded this jealousy actually was. He had tamed it last night for your sake, but now that Caleb was right here, right there to let it flame up again, it was just a question of time for how long he would be able to keep it low. “Just here to make sure you’re up…guess you can already tell that quite a bit changed”, Caleb said, shifting slightly but visibly uncomfortable over the cement ground, “Like Eden said yesterday, they’re pulling a bunch of people off to work at the construction for the windmill till everything’s settled, so for now…well for now I’m taking some shifts over here.” His eyes were on you, almost as if he was intentionally avoiding to meet Negan’s glance while you were still captured in a bit of a shock stare, trying to process what was happening before Caleb gave you a little insecure but still friendly smile. “Well then, I’ll see you in about twenty, if I’m not down here by then, just take the walkie to call”, Caleb said, nodding towards the small device by the cell’s door while the man by your side was shuffling up into the pillows and leaning himself against the cold stone wall as if it was giving him a more dominant position. “Alright, thanks”, you said with a small nod, feeling how Negan was growing more restless next to you as he was staying unusual quiet even though you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and his throat cleared slightly that there was a big urge in him pushing him to make a venomous remark. It only took seconds for Caleb to give you a confirming nod and another glance before he vanished up the stairs again and the glimpse you could catch of Negan from the corners of your eyes, that was just enough for him to not earn this certain remark. A harsh gulp travelled down your throat as the last one of Caleb’s steps echoed through the room, right before the dull thud of the door crashing into its lock upstairs catapulted you back into reality, pushing you to realize and process that you weren’t dreaming any of this. “He was down here before, when you were still sleeping”, Negan grumbled, leading your glance back to his face that was even more tense than before while you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and the muscles in his cheeks twitched that he was trying to hold himself back after your conversation of the last night. A sigh was leaving your lips as your mind was working flat out, trying to push the left drowsiness aside to handle the situation as well as you could, or without making it worse by bubbling some nonsense. “I know this is a weird coincidence….but it really doesn’t matter after all, right? Like I said, if he is anything to me than just a friend…and even though I’m pretty sure that’s mutual, anything else doesn’t matter anyway”, you mumbled, trying to keep your voice as calm and soothing as you could before you pushed a small smile into the corners of your lips, hoping Negan’s stare that was still darting at the cold stone would soon fall on you again. “Only thing I know is that I got a little less than twenty minutes with you left and I’d really like to spend them napping a little more with you…especially because it looks like you could use some more sleep too”, you said, putting a little tease in your voce as your hand caressed softly over his shirt, finally getting his attention as his face softened a bit and turned towards you. There was still tension written all over it, and you could tell that he would have loved to just fall into a rant or even give Caleb himself a proper talking-to, but still there seemed to be something in him pulling him by the last strings that were left. “How does that sound, huh? And tonight…if you’re fit enough again, we can do the other kind of napping”, you softly chuckled, finally provoking an all too familiar grin to pull the corners of Negan’s lips softly up and let his hazel eyes meet yours again. “You can bet your ass on that I could do that right now and here too”, he grumbled but still with that small grin on his lips, as if the devil and the angel on his shoulders were fighting for his attention. “Oh I know”, you softly laughed, your palm still laying on his chest as your fingers were tracing in small circles over the steel blue fabric of his prison suit. By the way he was looking at you, you could tell that there was a part of him who would have loved to tear the nightdress off your body and make you moan so that the thick walls would shake and let Caleb know what exactly he was doing to you but instead of giving Negan some more stage for his jealousy you moved in a little closer and glanced calmly at him. All while you tried to keep his glance tied to yours for a few more seconds, hoping to get Caleb and his jealousy off his mind for at least a bit and as he began to slowly nod, you knew that the angel had successfully pushed the devil off his shoulder, for now. But just as sure as you were that the devil was already clawing its fingers into the prison suit again, trying to climb its way up the fabric of the sleeve to Negan’s shoulder again, you were sure that there were hidden reasons to why the angel had won this time. Especially this little flickering in his eyes and the way they softened, as if he was pushing himself more than usual to give in to it, made you ponder for a second. But this second was quickly over as you caught him shuffling down the pillows again and rolling onto his side on the cheaply squeaking mattress, lifting his arm for you to huddle up to him for the little rest of time you had left. ”You’re gonna come here or nah?”, Negan said glancing at you, a soft chuckle rumbling through his chest while his eyes were visibly still fighting some of his inner demons. ”I will”, you mumbled back, grabbing the thin blanket to keep it steady as you shifted down until Negan’s strong arms could capture you and pull you against his warm chest. Resting your head on his arm you cuddled closer until you could nuzzle your nose against his neck, feel the small vibrations each of his breaths were giving off while you reached one hand up until it could sink into his dark locks. A deep hum was elicited from his throat as soon as your fingers traced over his skull, his chest was rumbling in a calm manner against your body as soon as his head fell into the curve of your neck and caused a small smile to grow on your lips. You liked those moments, those moments that let you feel like there was no one else than you two and in which it didn’t matter where you were. Especially since his time in the cell had begun you saw their worth even more, in just those minutes that let each of you shut any lousy thoughts out and you could collect some new energy again. And you stayed just like this for a little while longer, with your bodies entangled, his arms keeping you safely in his embrace and your hand playing softly with his hair while his warm breath and the feeling of his lips brushing over the side of your neck let pleasant goosebumps spread over your skin, until you knew that it was time for you to get ready.
Negan sat on the edge of the cheap bed, stretching his long legs out with a strained but quiet groan as you slipped your arms into the soft leather of your jacket and shuffled your feet over the ground, trying to get a little more comfortable in your boots. ”Think you’ll got your shifts all fucked up too?”, Negan asked, stemming himself off the bed with a small sigh before he made his way over to your side until his large hands could grasp your hips and pull you closer against his firm chest. ”Mhmm probably, depends on if Rick pulled Rosita off the infirmary for the wind mill”, you said leaning closer against him until your head leaned against his shoulder and his arms wrapped a little tighter around your body, keeping you in his warm embrace for a bit longer. ”Alright…don’t let any fucker bother you out there, okay? If you’re still at the infirmary, hell Baby, you’ll rock that shit again…just forget about that shitty last day and get fresh in there, be my goddamn queen of bandages and disinfection shit”, Negan’s voice was serious until the last sentence that let a soft chuckle rumble through his chest as he pressed a quick kiss on the sensitive skin of your neck before he leaned back to look at you. ”You’ll do that for me?”, he asked, a crooked grin dancing over his lips as you began to slowly nod and allowed a smile to sneak onto your face. ”Yeah”, you mumbled, letting your hands sneak up his chest and slide over the fabric of his prison suit until your arms could wrap around his warm neck. Slowly, he was leaning in until his lips could brush over yours before they captured them entirely, pulling you into a kiss that was as always able to let your knees turn into jelly within seconds. Humming into his kiss you melted against him, feeling the sensation of his rough beard stubble and soft lips teasing over yours while his strong arms kept you steadily flush against his own body. You were about to lose yourself in him again, were about to dive into the kind of moment again you’ve had in bed just a little while ago before the sudden thud of a door made you slip back into reality. Within a second you could feel Negan’s body tensing again, his muscles filing with suspense even though his kiss didn’t stop nonetheless as dull steps sounded over the creaking stairs. Feeling how your body was yearning for air you let go of his lips to catch your breath again even though you knew that if it wasn’t for you Negan wouldn’t have stopped. He would have pushed it, although you were still half stuck in the cloud of emotions his kiss had let you swing in, you knew he would have pushed it so his new guard would see you just like this, in each others arms and drowned in a longing kiss. Glancing up into his hazel eyes you could see the suspense radiating from them, even though it felt like he was still partly trying to suppress it. Slowly, you let your thumb caress over the back of his neck and leaned once more up to peck his lips with a soft kiss before you heard how the footsteps came to a stop and their echo sounded through the thick walls of the cell. Within seconds you turned your head towards the sound’s source, catching Caleb’s eyes glancing at you through the cold metal bars while his hand was deeply buried in the pocket of his pants, trying to fish out the small keys for the cell. ”Hey there again”, he said, pushing a small smile into the corners of his lips as he finally grasped the silver keys and brought them accompanied by a clinking sound towards the lock. ”Hey”, you said back, turning a little more towards the door to get ready for leaving before you felt Negan’s arms pushing you lightly back, provoking your glance to fall from Caleb to the man by your side. ”See you tonight?”, he asked, the sentence that was usually a statement connected with a small grin and another kiss had now turned into question and a forced up smirk that was by far not outdrowning the suspense and sternness that was written all over his face. ”Yeah, see you tonight”, you said soft but definitive back, giving him a reassuring smile before leaning up to peck his lips a last time, hoping to let some of the tension vanish. Reluctantly, Negan’s arms loosened, eventually letting go of you before Caleb’s voice sounded through to you as the sound of the keys sliding into the lock reechoed slightly. ”You’re coming?”, he asked, letting your glance meet his before it seemingly wandered for the first time since this morning towards Negan, “And you take your seat till the doors locked again? Roger said that’s how you’ve handled this till now.” Even though it was firm, Caleb’s voice wasn’t commanding, but it still let a frown grow all over Negan’s face, pushing the smirk for you once for all off his handsome features. ”Yes, that’s how we do”, Negan grumbled, his eyes goring through the door as if it could shoot poisonous arrows through the metal bars and let them gore deeply into Caleb’s skin. The frown on Negan’s face got quickly accompanied by the odd and dangerous grin you had seen a couple times before as he made his way over to the cheap bed and let himself fall onto the mattress that squeaked along with the bedsprings beneath the weight that was pressing in on it. ”’Cause I’m definitely that fucking dumb to jump headfirst out of that shitcell against some armed guard while my girl’s right in the danger zone”, Negan let out a deep, but humorless chuckle eliciting an irritated glance to form in Caleb’s eyes as you let out a lost sigh and moved closer to the cell’s door, deciding that it was better for each one of you to just get some distance between them. ”I’m coming”, you just mumbled, quickly slipping through the opening in the wall until you heard the door crashing back into the lock. You could feel Caleb’s hand ghosting for a short moment over your back in a guiding manner as you lanced one last time at Negan, watched him gulping harshly as he was visibly trying to restrict himself from letting his emotions completely take over his mind. Then, Caleb’s hand left you again as your own footsteps sounded dully through the air as you made your way up the stairs.
Caleb was still quietly walking next to you as you began to make your way through the house, up until the point the corners of your eyes caught him glancing over at you before the blonde rose his voice. ”Hope you slept well after that last day”, he said the small but friendly smile on his lips as your eyes met his. ”Yeah, I’m glad I could, really needed that…do you got any idea what Rick planned for my shifts?”, you asked, watching him nod quickly as he stepped closer with you towards the front door. ”Yeah, asked him ‘bout you and Eden when he let me know about this here”, Caleb said, his fingers making a small but quick gesture around the room before he glanced back at you, “The infirmary is all yours now, at least for the next week. After that or maybe a little more, he said he’ll see if he still needs Rosita at the windmill or if he maybe already knows more about Siddiq and Maggie’s Baby.” ”Okay- Thanks for asking”, you said, feeling for a short moment a bit uneasy thinking about having the full responsibility at the infirmary, before your mind tried to push the positive arguments into the spotlight. After all, you liked the work there and a fight with Tara that was followed by one fucked up day shouldn’t take all confidence away from you. You had to do better now, of course you did, and that you’d lie to say it wasn’t putting pressure on you, but on the other side, maybe you could prove yourself as well. If you thought this way about it, Rick was finally trusting you to take the lead there and that was an achievement you knew you should acknowledge and maybe even be proud of.
”See you later then”, Caleb said as you found yourself back outside, feeling how the chilly air was trying to sneak beneath your warm leather jacket to conquer your body. ”Yeah, see you later”, you responded with a small smile before you turned on your heels, leaving Negan’s new guard behind, while the thought of his influence on Negan’s odd behavior pushed a whole other set of thoughts into your head that decided to accompany you on your way to the infirmary and stay swinging here and there into your mind even after your shift had begun.
The bedsprings squeaked softly as Negan shifted uneasily over the mattress, trying to get comfortable on the cheap thing that just contributed some more to his already shitty mood that was just getting worse with each moment his tired mind was torturing him more with thoughts he would like to smash with his Lucille into teeny tiny pieces. But his beloved weapon wasn’t there with him, instead she was laying somewhere in a pitch dark closet in the armory, wasting away next to some shit guns or some of these awful spears the Hilltop had also sent to the Sanctuary in the past. And just like his bat wasn’t there, his girl wasn’t with him as well. He had always thought nights would be the worst part for prisoners, when everything was dark, everything was dead quiet and you were all on your own with your thoughts. But shit, was he wrong. The nights were the best part of this whole damn mess, in the nights, she was there, made him feel human and very often, as if he wasn’t stuck in this hell hole. The days on the other side, they were a pain in the ass. He was alone, but he could sometimes hear the people outside through the thick glass windows behind the metal bars. He couldn’t hear conversations, or even clear words, but he heard that there was something. He could hear a bit of what he was missing and each time he heard a sound outside, it reminded him that he wasn’t part of anything anymore, no leader, not even a fucking simple man walking along others but that a fucking locked up prisoner instead. It ate him up, almost drove him crazy and he could swear that if he wouldn’t have these nights with her, he’d be a lost man.
Crunching his teeth he leaned his back against the stone wall, feeling the cold that was radiating from it pressing through the fabric of his prison suit. But the coldness wasn’t the thing that was bothering him right now, at least not this kind of coldness. It was another one, the one that was making his thoughts even worse, the one that was caused by his new guard. The thought that this fucker had been the one to be there for his girl when the last day had turned into a living nightmare, the thought that this fucker was holding power over him with this shitty little key that was getting comfy in his pants and the memory of how this fucker had looked at her, first this morning when she had still been sleeping, then later, when she had left him, yes, those things were driving him wild. Negan trusted her when she said he was just someone she was seeing as a friend, but he was sure that she was wrong with saying this kind of view was mutual. Before this morning, there had been a small part of him to doubt it, to tell himself that he was allowing his mind to play games with him, but after those early hours, even that part was gone. He didn’t just see her as a friend, not at fucking all. He knew the kind of glance that fucker was gazing at her with. If he could, he’d tear the fucking clothes piece by piece off her body and devour her for hours. Only the damn thought was giving him chills of the worst fucking kind. And exactly this guy, this fucking asshole was out there with her. He wasn’t working with her anymore, that was the only good thing about this guard change, but he could be there with her whenever his shift was over, whenever he had a fucking break, whenever he felt like it. All beneath the fig-leaf of being the friendly fucking guy. The friendly fucking guy who was free as a damn bird and could give her things he couldn’t.
A shiver rumbled through Negan’s body, letting him shake as he squeezed his eyes just and clenched his jaw tightly, cursing about his own sorry ass as he was trying to keep the toxic thoughts from taking over the last bit of his mind they hadn’t attacked yet. They were mixing with the deep rooted fear of losing her and the thoughts he’d already had last night that were just as horrible as the ones now. And they were forming into an army, determined to take him down.
Judging from the way the shadowy lines of the metal bars fell onto the cement floor of his cell, it was about midday and only a few hours had passed since he was alone, so they were way more to come until he’d have her back. Way more of those lonely hours that gave enough space for those thoughts to attack again and again, and even though he liked to believe hat he was strong enough to make a stand against them, deep down he knew that his would be one hell of a battle, one he might lose.
A sudden thud let him flinch up and ripped him out of the cocoon the thoughts had spun around him, letting his eyes snap towards the cell’s door and capture the cause of the terror in his head, slipping his abstemious food through the gap at the bottom. “Here’s your lunch”, the blonde grumbled, standing straight up again before an urge in Negan let him swing his legs from the bed and pushed him to step closer to the metallic gate. Usually, when Roger or one of the other guards brought food, he just kept laying on the bed till they were gone, mostly cracking some joke or little speech just to have his fun by annoying them a little. Just like he had done it this morning with guard whose name he always forgot while that blonde fucker had probably taken a break or something. But this time was different. This time he stepped closer, feeling the rough surface of the cement pressing against the bare sole of his feet while the younger man’s eyes wandered with slight irritant over him. “Aren’t you ordered to stay back during the meal exchanges too?”, the blonde asked, something swinging in his that just pissed Negan off for fuck knows why and combined with a certain firmness. He seemed to grow more confident, seemed to settle his damn ass down in the position of power he was holding over him and seemed to slowly leave the damn school boy uneasiness and nervousness from this morning behind. But maybe, maybe it just needed a bit to push him right back there. “Nah, I’m not”, Negan grumbled back, feeling every muscle of his body tense as he stepped closer until only the cold metal bars were separating him from this fucker. “Why? You’re scared? Pissing your pants that I could attack you through this thing here?”, Negan asked, his eyes narrowing with each word while a dangerous grin was dancing over his lips, eliciting the wished irritation and if he was right, even a bit of fear in his opponents eyes. “No, I’m not, just want you to follow the rules”, he said, in a firm but calm tone, that calm that it drove Negan crazy and that calm that he almost felt like he was mocking and haunting him with his own and now pretty much dead rule-policy, “Since I don’t think you wanna break them and have some consequences following that.” Oh he wished to, he wished to fucking break them, break those shitty metal bars just along with them, lunge at him and shove the damn plate right down that fuckers throat or better, up his sorry ass. And that’d just be the beginning. But he couldn’t do that, this shit wasn’t just about him, no matter what. “Course not”, Negan growled as he stepped even closer, his tongue sneaking out to wet his bottom lip slowly before he was forcing the younger man to keep the eye contact, ready to change the roles again, turn him into the predator again and the blonde asshole into the prey. He was gonna use this opportunity, hell yes he was gonna do that. “’Cause I know the first thing Rick the little prick would take away from me as a damn punishment would be my girl and I can’t have that…no fucking one gets to do that”, the dangerous drawl was echoing through his voice, his eyes still locking with the man behind the bars, capturing how the other’s brain began to work on those words, just enough for Negan to back away. “So nope, I won’t break those little shitty rules of yours. So you can loosen your bodice and take a few fucking deep breaths, I won’t attack you through those metal bar shit here”, he chuckled darkly, bowing down to grab the plate of food, lacing his fingers around the porcelain edges before he got his back straight again. He looked one last time into the glance of the man who was eying him up and down, trying unsuccessfully to estimate him, and even though it was pleasing in its own kind of way, it didn’t give him the satisfaction and reassurance Negan was yearning for. That guy was still a massive threat. “Good”, Caleb just responded, his voice firm as he nodded slowly almost if that was it before a rush of confidence seemed to wash over him , “Pretty sure she would want that too.” The tone wasn’t advsing not as kind as the fucking smile that fucker was giving his girl anytime she looked his way, it had a kind of teasing tension swinging in it that let Negan’s eyes flare up in combination with her mentioning. “What the hell do you know ‘bout that”, it blustered dangerously out of him, his grip tightening around the plate as a pinch of fear slashed through the other’s eyes before he squared up again, as if he was pushing himself to make a stand. “At least enough to know that she can need someone who’s by her side in this….and who doesn’t give her more stuff to worry about”, the voice of the blonde was calm but quieter than before, almost as if he was surprised himself that he was speaking those words out but right now, Negan didn’t give a shit about that. The only thing he could wrap his mind around was the anger that was boiling up in him, the anger that wanted to rip the head of this fucker, but instead the aching pain that was giving the anger company was pushing him in a shock trance, enough for the guard the give him another short glance before he turned away and stepped out of his view and closer towards the stairs. With a deep huff, Negan turned around, still somehow paralyzed and shuffling with his food towards the cheap bed again while he finally heard the descending footsteps echoing through the staircase until they had hushed completely. They were leaving him alone with the thoughts that were slipping back into his mind, whirling up with the brooding anger the encounter had brought into his body into a tornado that was rushing through each of his cells, back on their way to let his concerns grow.
The wind was brushing softly over your face as you made your way down the street, finishing a day that had been a holiday compared to the past one. You had started tensed up, with the pressure hiding in the back of your head that you couldn’t fuck up again, but with each passing minute you had tried to let yourself be lead by what Negan had told you. And it had worked. You had been a little nervous at first, could feel your hands trembling slightly when you were treating your first patient of the day but after that everything seemed to fall more and more in line, until you got back to the usual agenda. The very only thing that had brought you a little concern was still the thought of Negan’s reaction to Caleb this morning, or even more how the next days with him as his new guard would turn out until Roger would take over again.
And this concern got back up into your head as soon as you headed towards the brownstones and caught Caleb sitting on a chair in front of the main entrance, stretching his legs out and spinning the small silver keys in between his fingers before he glanced up and captured your eyes. Within seconds the usual friendly smile grew on his lips as he heft himself up from the wooden chair and watched you stepping closer, greeting him as soon as you were close enough. “How was your shift? Better than yesterday?”, Caleb asked as he opened the heavy door, allowing you to slip inside before joining you and letting the entrance fall shut again. “Yeah, way better. Yours?”, you asked, not only to be kind, but also to find out if anything had happened between Negan and him, even if it was just a bunch more of snarky remarks. “Now that’s great to hear. Mine was fine, pretty different from the work at the crops, but I mean, it’s just for now and they’re just a couple shifts a day. I’ll get used to it”, he said, his voice was filled with ease, but it wasn’t giving you all the information you wished for. “And I just got back. Miles had the other shift till a half hour ago so I’m all fresh for the night”, Caleb added with a small chuckle, leading you through another room closer towards the staircase before he grabbed the handle of the door last door keeping you from it and gradually opened it. “Gonna be a long one and I’m still not all inured with working in the night as well but I mean, I can’t complain, not after the stuff you had going on yesterday”, he added as he glanced for a short moment at you. “It’s fine”, you just replied with a small smile, seeing how he glanced at you for one more moment before he rose his voice again. “Yeah, still. Just glad it worked out today for you”, he said with another kind smile before strolling down the first steps, followed by you as you made your way down.
Moments later you were able to step in front of the metal door and glance inside the cell, catching Negan’s figure that was already slightly enlightened by the petroleum lamp beside his bed and the last bit of light the windows were allowing to stream into the cell. His eyes lit up for a moment as he caught your glance, his lips curling softly up before his glance got more concentrated again as it switched to the blonde man who was getting closer towards the door until he could slid the keys inside the lock. With a click the door sprung open as Caleb turned around to you and slowly opened the door. “Well then, till tomorrow morning I guess”, he said, pressing a small smile into the corners of his lips before you gave him a small nod and stepped closer towards the entrance. “Yeah, till tomorrow”, you said, your voice friendly as you slipped inside and heard how the door closed as slowly as it had opened, with creaking noises of strained metal until the sound of the lock reechoed.
Just as you heard descending footsteps and your glance was about to wander back towards the cell’s bed, strong hands cupped your jaw, fingers slid into your hair and pulled you into against warm lips that captures yours immediately in a deep kiss. A deep kiss that was growing more desperate with each second, with each caress of his lips over yours, with each bit he pulled you closer and let your mind shut down for a few moments until he had taken all your breath. Even when you were catching your breath with trembling lips, his own were still hovering over yours and his hands were still keeping your face close to his while his chest rose and fell strongly against your body. Before your mind could even fully come back, could ask him if he was fine, if this had to mean anything, his deep drawl vibrated against your lips. “Fuck…I need you, Baby. Now”, even though his voice had this dominant and deep drawl swinging in it, it was still just as desperate as his kiss and just as desperate as the next one he was pressing to your lips as his hands wandered down your body, tugging on the lapel of your jacket until he could push it down your arms. You were longing for him, of course you were but something about this wasn’t letting you go. It was by far not the first time for him to surprise you with this kind of greeting, but this time was different and you were about a hundred percent sure that you knew the reason why. “Negan?”, you mumbled as soon as he caught breath for the first time after letting your jacket fall with a dull thud to the ground, immediately letting his eyes snap to yours. “Yeah, Sweetheart?”, he asked, his fingers already brushing over the end of your shirt, caressing the bare skin of your stomach and hips. “You’re okay?”, you asked, his eyes escaping yours to wander over the cold stone for a second before your hands ran up his prison suit until they cupped the back of his neck. “Negan?”, you asked, concern swinging in your voice that let his eyes switch over to you until his hazel orbs locked with yours. “’Course I am”, he said, his voice a little to confident, the smirk that was beginning to grow on his lips a little too bright,”You’re here with me again. I’m fucking thriving.” With that his lips pressed on yours once more but quickly left your skin again as soon as he felt the restricted way you responded, not believing him yet. “Don’t worry, Baby”, he grumbled against your lips, pecking them softly as his arms wrapped tighter around your body. You glanced up into his hazel eyes, knowing that there definitely wasn’t everything fine. But just as his lips caressed longingly over yours again, a part of you thought that maybe he needed this right now, maybe he needed to blow off some steam this way and get his mind finally off the things that were buzzing through it, maybe so you could properly talk to him after it. For one more moment you hesitated, before this part of you and the longing for him you felt yourself brought you to respond to his kiss and allow you to melt into him.
Just as you had kicked off your boots, you already felt him guiding you towards the bed until your back hit the mattress and you felt him climbing on top of you, settling in between your legs while his arms were securely caging you within his warm embrace. Slowly, your fingers fumbled on his shirt, unbuttoning the steel blue top of his prison suit until you could brush it off his shoulders and let your fingers trace along his sides, down his back until you could rest your fingertips just above the waistband of his pants. It took only moments for him to brush your shirt off too, beginning to fondle your body as soon as the fabric hit the floor, kissing and nibbling down your neck and your collarbones before capturing your lips again, letting more heat pool within your body’s middle. His hands were wandering south, fumbling on the zipper of your pants until you raised your hips slightly, allowing him to pull them down as his lips left yours for a moment, right before they crashed back onto them as soon as just your underwear was left on your heated body. You could feel his weight beginning to press in on you again, feel his warm skin right against yours as his hands wandered down until they could grab your thighs, let his rough fingertips dig into your skin to press you closer and harder against him. Humming and softly moaning into the kiss you wrapped your legs around his hips as the heat in your body grew more, letting you feel how it was turning your panties into a wet mess. You were enjoying to feel him closer with each second, each minute, with each touch and each kiss while you allowed yourself to begin to lose yourself in him. But only up until the point where you felt that this wasn’t happening to him, not as it always happened. He wasn’t melting against you, wasn’t sinking into the kisses, wasn’t letting those little satisfied growls rumble through his chest and wasn’t teasingly grinding himself against you. There was a certain tension stuck in him, you could feel that his thoughts weren’t letting him go, they were wrenching on him, as if they were trying to pull him away from the trance he yearned to fall into. You could feel him trying, pushing himself to get to this point he could lose himself in the kisses and touches as well. But before you could think of doing something, maybe even stopping, you felt him growing more restless, more tense before he suddenly pulled away from your kiss. His breath was heavy, his body was shivering while you could still feel his face hovering over yours as your eyes opened immediately, glancing at his tensed face. His eyes were pressed shut until they slowly opened, forming more worry in you within seconds. “Negan, what’s wrong?”, you mumbled, trying to catch his glance. You knew one of the reasons, and while you were sure there were more hidden in the dark, you needed to hear him say them, have him finally talk to you. “Noth-” “No, don’t tell me it’s nothing. I can feel that this isn’t true”, you cut him off, even though your tone was careful as your hand reached up to his jaw, trying to lead his glance towards you. And fInally, his hazel but tense orbs met yours. “Just let us go on with this, please”, he said, his glance wandering uneasily over your face as his words pressed firmly but still pleading out of his lips. “Why are you so dogged on this here now?”, you asked, feeling how desperation was beginning to course through your veins while Negan’s eyes refused to meet yours. And they still kept on doing this as he eventually stemmed himself up and leaned back, until his legs swung off the bed’s edge. His jaw was clenching tightly, the muscles in his cheek twitched and let you grow more restless as you were slowly sitting yourself up before he finally spoke up. “’Cause this”, he grumbled making a small gesture towards the bed before a harsh gulp travelled down his throat as his eyes met yours for the split of a second ,”Some damn fuck is the only fucking thing I can give you in here.” His voice was growling, frustrated and almost dangerous as a shivering breath fell from your lips as you slowly shuffled closer to him, trying to figure out how to get this bullshit thought out of his head. “That’s not true, Nega-” “Oh, it isn’t?”, harshly he spoke up, his voice still trembling underneath the sarcasm before he huffing lifted himself off the bed and grabbed the shirt of his prison suit, turning his back towards you and refusing to look at you as his fingers buttoned it up, as if he was using it to keep a wall up between the both of you. You could feel your ribcage tighten in the pain of helplessness, pressing air out of your lungs before you shuffled your shirt over your body and let your feet hit the ground as well. And just as you wanted to raise your voice again, tell him that those thoughts were all wrong, his eyes snapped towards you again and his voice echoed through the cell. “You got so fucking much waiting out there for you. Fucking anything I can’t give you in here. And that guy up there? That fucker? Oh, he’d gladly take over”, his voice was piercing, soaked in anger and desperation just like the flickering terror in his eyes. “Negan, he doesn’t-” “He fucking does. You’ve seen the way he’s looking at you? He’s eyefucking you”, Negan spat the words out, letting a deep breath fall from your lips as you could feel your own desperation and helplessness grow. “Not everybody wants to fuck me, Negan”, you said, your voice tense and harsher than you actually wanted while he shook his head, his jaw clenching while the thick vein on his neck began to swell dangerously. “Well, he certainly does”, he growled, before his voice got even more biting while pain flickered through his eyes, “And he’s gonna as soon as you wake up and see what kinda shitshow you’re stuck in if you stay with me.” His voice was booming through your head, sending shivers of pain and shock through it before your brows puckered and your body tensed up as you got out of the small shock his words had catapulted in. “Are you kidding me?”, it blustered out of you, your eyes staring in disbelief in him while more hurt feelings began to mix within your body. “No, I’m fucking not. Just another role he’s gonna fucking take over ‘cause I’m stuck in this shithole, ‘cause I can’t give you any fucking thing”, he growled, letting another shivering breath fall from your lips as your mind was in terror, completely at a loss and stuck in a cloud of pain, Trying to breath through, trying to calm the terror you grabbed your pants, shuffling them back on, hoping that this small distraction would calm you at least a tiny bit down. But of course, it didn’t. ”I don’t want him, when are you gonna finally believe that?”, you growled, desperation swinging in between your heavy breaths. ”But you wanna tell me you want this all here?! Till fuck knows when?!”, Negan’s voice was stern, yet desperate as your eyes met his again. He panted as his whole face grimaced in pain and anger, not allowing you to say anything as his loud voice continued. “You really wanna sleep forever on this crappy ass bed?! Wanna live half of your damn fucking day-…life as a prisoner fuck too?!”, his voice got louder, booming and restless, his whole body was filled with suspense while yours got filled with more pain, as there was only a small part of your mind left that pushed the thought that only his desperation was making him say those things and blow up this way. But this small part vanished and got instead replaced with more pain and even frustration as you saw him pacing like a wild animal through the room, filling up with more anger. “Yeah”, you brought out, your own stubborn head pushing it while Negan didn’t seem to hear you, instead he grew even more tense, with the vein on his neck pulsing harshly and with horror written all over his face. His eyes turned dark, a deep humorless chuckle fell from his lips before his brows puckered and the frown spread over his features again, combining with his biting voice. “Oh wait, this all is gonna be just fine, right? Bet we’re gonna have some nice fucking candle light shit dinner, with that fucking petroleum shit lamp and that plate of crap food they’re feeding me”, he called sarcastically out his foot pushing enough against the empty plate to let it rush a few inches against the wall, not enough force behind it to break it but enough to let the sound of its encounter echo horribly through the cell. Flinching up you felt the pain of his words letting a lump in your throat grow while Negan stared panting at the plate, seemingly being ripped out of his rage by the stinging sound. His shoulders rose and fell at a restless pace, his lips gaped only enough open to let his heavy breaths escape while the rest of his body tensed and trembled harder. You tried to grasp the last chance to collect yourself, to not fully lose control but before you could start another try, maybe even get the threateningly growing lump out of your throat you heard his voice again. This time it wasn’t loud and not booming at all, instead the pain got more audible next to the firmness and growling that was still stuck in it. ”You’ll leave. Earlier or later you’ll leave”, those words felt like they knocked you to the ground as thousands of knifes seemed to gore their blade into your skin, wrenching and pulling your flesh apart. “Just a matter of time till you got enough of this.” Was he really thinking that? After you’ve been through hell and back with him? And if so, how could he believe that? How could he think that little of you? How could he think that you were that shallow that you’d just give him up, give what you both have up simply and only because of this cell? You could finally feel the lump in your throat winning the fight it had with you, pushing burning tears into your eyes, tears of disappointment, anger and even more pain before your lips brought out the question itself. “Do you really think that?, you asked, your voice strained and weak but with a stern and biting tone that was caused by the anger in your body that was the only thing keeping your voice steady. “Negan, I’ve seen you bleed out. You were almost dying in my arms…I’ve had you laying half dead and unconscious for fucking days in front of me-”, you brought out, feeling how the tears in your eyes urged their way forward and cut you off. “After all that, you really think I’ll leave just because you’re in here? You think that little of me?!”, you added, feeling how your feelings of pain were completely taking over while Negan’s glance fell for the first time since his last words on them again. And just as you casted your watery eyes down, could feel how the tears began to roll over your cheeks, the corners of your eyes seemed to catch how his face dropped in terror. A shivering breath feel from your lips as your body and mind begin to give up completely to the whirlwind of horror and emotions that was raging within them before you suddenly flinched up as you heard the sound of fast footsteps rushing down the stairs. Your eyes snapped towards the door, catching Caleb’s eyes looking with pure concern at you before they shot towards Negan as his voice echoed through the cell. “What the hell do you want here?” “Make sure you won’t hurt anyone”, Caleb’s voice was resentful and tensed, as much as you had never even thought he was capable of. “I wouldn’t harm a single hair on her head”, Negan’s voice growled, the anger audibly beginning to boil back up again,”I wouldn’t ever fucking hurt her.” “Looks to me like you already did. One way or another”, Caleb said with a dangerous calmness mixed into his voice you were sure would drive Negan even more wild. Even though you tried to stop it and whipped them off your skin, more tears rolled down your cheeks, as if your emotions were stuck in a barrel that was flowing over and over again. “Now get back to the bed”, the tensed voice of the guard said as you first glanced up and brushed the tears off your face once more, catching the furious glance that was beginning to settle in Negan’s eyes as they gored through Caleb. Without breaking eye contact with Negan he reached towards the gun, letting your breath hitch as he rested it on the holster and gave Negan a warning glare. A deep scoff left Negan’s lips as you could feel his glance brushing over you for a moment, before he gave in, nodded and walked tensely back to the bed. As soon as the bedsprings squeaked beneath his weight, you heard the metallic sound of the keys sliding into the lock before they turned and let the door spring open. Your eyes lifted from the ground again, catching Negan’s glance brushing over you, something that seemed like worry and regret trying to break through the mask of anger and pain on his face while you gulped harshly down. “I’ll come back when you’ve calmed down”, just left your lips without thinking much about it, it just slipped out of them, broken and quiet, knowing that you needed your space after whatever the hell had happened in this night.
“Come here”, you heard Caleb mumble as you eventually slipped through the gap after you had grabbed your boots and your jacket, digging your fingers into their fabrics at if it could ease your tension. Just as you were stepping through it you were feeling next to filled up with emotions, awfully empty as well as the person you had usually leaned on when you experienced this kind of mess was now the one that had caused it. A trembling breath fell from your lips as you could feel Caleb’s hand placing on your back trying to guide and maybe even soothe you before you heard Negan’s voice a last time. “Get your fucking hands off her”, it echoed through the cell, your eyes went up in a glare to meet his for a last time before you stepped up the stairs.
“You’re okay?”, you heard Caleb ask as soon as you stood outside the door, fresh and chilly night air filling your lungs and hitting your skin while it gave you a little hope that it might be able to soothe your suspense filled body. ”Sorry, I know that’s not the best question right now, I just wanna know”, he mumbled as you looked up and shuffled into your boots, gulping harshly as you tried to get yourself in order. “I’ll be fine”, you mumbled slightly sniffling, more hoping for it than actually knowing it while you brushed the leather of your jacket over your arms, hoping that its comfortable and familiar feeling might calm you a little. “Hmm?”, you heard him murmur as he held out a bit scrunched but new tissue out to you, raising his brows softly. “Thanks”, you mumbled with a strained and battled voice, taking the tissue and bringing it down over your cheeks to get the last tears off of them before new would earlier or later stream over them again. “Hey, you want me to get you back to Rick’s house? Not sure if walking alone’s the best thing for you now”, Caleb mumbled, as you let out a deep breath, trying to rally yourself before you slowly shook your head. It was already an odd feeling for you that he had seen you this vulnerable, and even though you were grateful, you needed nothing else than be on your own. “Think I need that right now, be alone for a bit…but thank you anyway.” You bit your lips, scrunched the tissue inbetween your fingers like one of those stress balls while Caleb slowly nodded, the worry still stuck in his eyes. “You deserve more than what happened down there, you know that, right?”, he brought out, his glance meeting yours again in the faint light of the street lamps. You weren’t gonna answer this, you were way too rilled up right now, your body was still all tense while the pain let an awful nausea wash over you again and again and besides that, this or anything else regarding Negan wasn’t something you were gonna discuss with him. No matter how confused, hurt and mad you were about him right now. “I just need to go home now…”, you mumbled instead, still feeling how the remains of the lump in your throat were making it hard for you to talk without sounding like miserable little thing. “Okay…but if there’s something I can do…you know where you can find me”, he said, leaning a little closer until you glanced up at him as he was trying to press a tiny uplifting smile into the corners of his lips, even though it got massively overshadowed by the concern that was still keeping his face hostage. “Thanks..”, you just mumbled back, trying to let your lips that were still slightly swollen from Negan’s kisses form into a grateful smile before you breathed through, “See you around then.” “Yeah, see you around”, Caleb said, gulping as his eyes wandered one last time over your face before you gave him a small nod and turned around, feeling the stones crunch beneath your shoe’s soles as you began to make your way down the dark road.
Darkness around you, darkness within you. It seemed like there was nothing else but this darkness, trying to eat you up while you felt how tears began to roll down your face and whimpers left your lips, threatening to form into sobs as soon as you were out of earshot. Pressing your trembling hand on your mouth you tried to silence your louder becoming whimpers, scared that someone could see or hear you this way. You felt alone, completely alone for the first time in a really long while. You’d lost any of your old friends and Daryl and now? Had you lost Negan now too? Or were you on a way for this to happen? Did he think over all this time differently about you and your relationship than you had thought? Did he really think you’d just choose Caleb or anybody else over him just because they weren’t imprisoned? Or was he just scared and did this fear let him lash out or were you only trying to tell that yourself to not face the ugly truth? You didn’t know. It was like nothing in your head was working anymore, stuffed too full with emotions and thoughts to function at all. Everything in Rick’s house, your old and maybe now new home was dark when you finally felt the porch’s steps sinking a little in beneath your weight as you shuffled up the stairs. The last thing you wanted was for them to see you this way and to immediately know the cause. They’d know earlier enough, at the latest when they’d find out that you had been sleeping in the house. Pain was still twitching through your every cell as you sneaked as quietly as you could up through the house, up the stairs, down the hallway until the door of your room shut as quietly as you could behind yourself. Moments later, only with your boots kicked to the ground and your leather jacket falling next to it on the carpet, your body hit the mattress of the bed, your face pressed into the several pillows and your hands fisted soft blankets as if they could give you any hold as new shocks of whimpers and pain rushed through you. But they couldn’t soothe you, those soft blankets, comfy pillows and this giant bed, not like Negan’s arms usually did when things went south. That was the thing about this all, the thing Negan didn’t seem to get…maybe didn’t want to get. Those comfort necessaries were nice and cozy and you did like them but you’d switch them without bating an eyelash out for his embrace, no matter if it was on a squeaking and cold mattress on a cheap bed in a dark cell or not. You would return, just as you had said it, but the thought of it or its possible outcome let piercing pain and fear eat up, let the darkness around you lull you into its terrifying and nightmare-promising depths while the last tears rolled over your burning cheeks before your mind and body gave in and let you dive into the darkness.
“Are you cold? Still?”, Negan worriedly asked as he stood in front of the bed, his concerned glance wandering over your curled up figure beneath the several dark blankets while another harsh cough erupted your throat and sent stinging aftershocks through the rest of your body. “Shit, you are”, he grumbled, more to himself than to you as you cuddled more up into the pillows, trying to get a rest of your head that felt as if the pressure pushing in on your skull was trying to bring it to explode any second. Sniffling, you looked up at him, through half opened eyes that caught him pondering for a moment before he slowly walked closer towards the large bed and sat down on its edge, letting the mattress bend slightly beneath his weight. Your glance followed each of his moments as well as it could, trying to keep the sunlight that was streaming through the large windows from dazzling your exhausted eyes too much before they caught his large hand reaching up to you. Softly, almost overly cautious his palm placed on your cheek, bringing a soft hum of yours forth as soon as his touch met your skin that was so much softer compared to the rough coughs that else escaped your lips. Slowly, his thumb began to stroke over the prominent part of your cheekbone, tracing along the skin while you could feel his glance being stuck to your face as you leaned into his soothing touch. It lasted seconds, pleasing but way too short seconds until the next cough boomed through your ribcage up your throat, letting you shake against the soft pillows beneath your head until it ebbed away once again just to make sure you knew it would return earlier or later. “Fuck”, you heard Negan quietly grumble as he caught the way you shuffled into the pillows, trying to soothe your body from the pain the cough had given to your already sore throat while the coolness tried to conquer your body, tried to march into the blankets and make its way closer and closer until it could slip beneath your skin. “Looks like I gotta be your living hot water bag, huh?”, Negan asked, trying his very best to let the chuckle that was leaving his lips outdrown the concern that was stuck in his voice. Slowly, you glanced up at him, feeling how his hand ran from your cheek down the back of your neck for a short moment, giving it a soft caress with his rough fingertips before it left your body to lift the mountain of blankets you were hiding beneath. “You’re gonna get sick too”, you grumbled, concerned even though you craved for his touch while your voice was barely audible as the cold had taken most of it hostage and was letting the bit of rest it had left you sound like the horribly scratched part of a CD. “Well, then so be it. I don’t give a fuck”, Negan grumbled, his voice softer than the words made it seem as he slipped faster beneath the blankets than you had expected and shifted against you, careful and as if you would break if he would move just a little too harsh. “You’re gonna come here? Let us make this cold our bitch together?”, he asked, a soft laugh leaving your lips as you glanced up at him and caught the hope in his eyes that was trying to make itself room next to the concern that was still not about to beat retreat anytime soon. Slowly, you nodded, feeling yourself crave his closeness with each bit you felt his body shifted against yours. His arms were spread wide open as you huddled closer up against him, trying to move your exhausted body as well as you could beneath the layers of blankets until the moment you could feel him wrapping his arms protectively around you. And god, did it feel good. It always did, his arms always had some kind of magical effect on you as soon as they captured you in an embrace but right now it felt like they had healing powers as well. Humming quietly, you let your arm wrap around his torso and let your head sink into his chest until the soft white fabric was pressing against your skin and left you craving for more. So slowly, you were nuzzling your nose into the warm skin hidden beneath the shirt so you could feel the soft dark curls of his chest hair press up against it, could feel the way his chest was rising and falling with each breath he took and hear here and there the steady sound of his strong heart beat. His warmth was operating on you like a drug, and was letting you crave for even more as he began to cradle you against his firm chest, shift you a little up to let his warm lips press a soft kisses on your forehead and temple and let his large and soothing hands rub over your back and play with your hair until they came to a stop to just hold you. His warmth wasn’t magically letting your cold symptoms vanish, your head was still full and stuffed with pressure, your nose was still running and left you sniffling, your coughs were still letting your body erupt with shocks but it was giving you the comfort you needed right now. “How about you go to sleep now, huh? And when you wake up, this shit’s gone but you know what, big ol’ Negan will still be right here”, he grumbled, cradling you closer against himself before a small laughter let his chest vibrate against your weakened body. “Shit, that sounded cheesy as fuck…like right out of some shitty romantic movie, didn’t it?”, he chuckled about his own sappiness, cradling you a little closer as a cold minted, rough but small laugh was leaving your lips. “Mhmm yeah..but I like that idea”, you grumbled into his shirt, cuddling even closer up to his tall frame to catch more of the intoxicating warmth and comfort he was giving off. “Well, then we’ll do it just like that…and just to be clear, nothing would get me to leave you now. Not even a damn herd of dead fuckers”, he grumbled against your skin as he pressed another kiss on your forehead, letting the softness of his lips mix with the roughness of his beard stubble while a smile began to grow on your lips, allowing you to forget about the cold for just a bit.
And as you finally began to drift off to sleep, still feeling his arms wrapped around you, his chest rising and falling beneath your head and his lips brushing over your skin, this smile grew a little more as you knew that this would all still be there with you as soon as the sleep would loosen its grasp on you again.
When they had told you about him after you had arrived in Alexandria, about this man they were locking up in the cell in the basement of one of the brownstone houses, you had expected to see a lot when you finally made your way down the staircase as his newly assigned guard. You had painted a picture in your head of him, through the horrific things you had heard over the last weeks and months that sounded almost as if they were grasped out of an old and scary tale people would tell children to scare them off from doing something silly. But you hadn’t expected the man you had actually found in the dark cell. You hadn’t expected to hear a voice as smooth as velvet but rough and raspy as a growing storm as well, that managed to combine those components into a deep drawl that had made you yearn to listen to it all day long. You hadn’t expected to see captivating eyes darting at you, see lips curled into a charming yet devilish grin that was surrounded by a salt and pepper beard, see dark hair that was stroked back, only with a few detached hair strands and locks darting away from its shape, see rough and handsome features adoring his face. You hadn’t expected to feel something pooling deeply within you whenever his tongue ran over his lower lip until it got captured in-between his pearly whites or whenever your eyes began to wander over the way the steel blue prison suit was hugging his broad shoulders and tall frame. You hadn’t expected to transform from silently guarding him to developing small talks with him, to begin to laugh at his jokes and the odd but entertaining humor he had, to dive deeper into the reasons why he had done the things he had done, to find out why his beloved bat, that was by now locked up in the armory instead of resting on his shoulder, was called ‘Lucille’. You hadn’t expected to tell him your deepest and darkest secrets as well, you hadn’t expected to feel him reaching through the metal bars to stroke and caress his large and rough hand over your arms and cheeks, surprisingly softly wiping away any tears when your feelings overwhelmed you. You hadn’t expected him to turn into the person you wanted to see first when you had something exciting to talk about or when the opposite was the case and you needed nothing but some comfort. You hadn’t expected that you would be the one he would want to share those things with too, no matter what it was. You hadn’t ever expected him to turn into anything else than the heartless monster the people outside had described him as. But most of all, you hadn’t expected to fall in love with the man in the cell.
• The first thing that does comes to Negan’s mind when it comes to helping you relax so you can finally fall asleep and get some rest is to help you with the special kind of magic his tongue and fingers can do in the wink of an eye to your body
• Him loving to hear your gasps and soft moans as soon as he slips in between your legs and pampers you as much as he can, no matter if its pressing soft but intoxicating kisses to sensitive skin of your inner things, sucking delicately on your sweet spots and your growing heat, letting you shake in pleasure with every flick of his tongue or letting you cum on his fingers as your whole body shakes in pleasure
• Even though he loves pulling you right after that into his arms and feel how you melt against him and dive off into a dovish slumber, him also absolutely not minding if you take it further after that, and he can pound highs into you until you’re both breathless and that exhausted that you’re falling into a deep sleep in each others arms,
• Often, when the main reason of your sleepless night is something that is haunting you and keeps trying to drown you in painful memories, him being also able to just pull you deeply into his embrace to comfort you and cradle you against his chest, either trying to cheer you up with his very own humor or just holding you tight while mumbling some soothing words into your hair until he feels you relax in his arms
• Him sometimes taking you out on the roof of the Sanctuary or on some of the rather abandoned platforms at the building’s side, just for you to catch some fresh air and maybe get rid of the thoughts that keep bothering you and keep you from sleeping
• It’s rather symbolic and to others it might doesn’t sound much, but knowing about Negan’s relationship to his beloved bat it’s more than just a big sign of deep affection when Negan moves Lucille at some times and especially when you’re having a particularly hard time, from his side of the bed to yours, not saying much but simply showing you with the glance in his eyes and the kiss he presses on your lips that he believes she might be able to give you the comfort she has often given to him before
• Him giving you back massages to loose you up, just to love to feel the way you melt beneath his large hands and to hear your little hums when his fingers run over your body until you’re so comfortable that you’re almost falling asleep
• Sometimes, him also just holding you and loosing you a little up with pampering your neck with kisses, running his large hands over your body, tracing his fingers over your skin and basically letting you use him as much as a pillow as you want to
• Knowing how much you love the sound of his deep voice, him using it in every kind of way to loose you up and help you get more comfortable and relaxed, with the range going from just talking some more about your day or murmuring some loving and soothing words into your ear, right up to making you cum only with his voice
• As soon as he feels you falling asleep in his arms, him actually being pretty proud of himself and loving the fact that he can make you feel not only relaxed but also that safe and protected that you can finally let your guards down and fall asleep, only for him feel more proud and happy as he feels you cuddling closer up to him in your sleep and hears your content hums vibrating against his skin
“Damn rain ruined our cookout”, you grumbled into Negan’s white shirt as you watched the raindrops splatter onto the metallic top of the grill that should have been by now home of sizzling steaks and sausages.
Instead you found yourself laying in Negan’s arms, leaned against his side on the porch swing, feeling its soft movements dangling the both of you while some lonely water drops of the summer rain made their way here and there towards your skin.
“Maybe that but not the whole fucking evening”, Negan mumbled into your hair before he leaned a little in to press a kiss on your forehead.
Just as you cuddled a little more up to him and felt his hand wandering over your legs that were swung over his, another bunch of raindrops splattered against the porch’s railing and bounced up into your direction.
Within the moment the drops hit the skin of your legs and Negan’s arms you could suddenly feel his lips forming into a big grin against your forehead.
“You know what, Baby? I got an idea”, he grumbled smirking, loosening his grasp on you before he let your legs slide off his lap, stood up and nodded towards the rain as he stretched one of his large hands out for you to take it.
“Let’s make this rain our damn bitch”, he chuckled with a wider grin, anticipation already spread all over his handsome features while your glance went for a short moment outside where the rain was falling in long, tight threads to the ground.
If you were honest, they did seem very tempting to your inner child.
“I mean, the rain’s gotta be warm and y’know I’ll make it fucking fun”, Negan chuckled before you glanced back at him and saw into is eyes that were filled with utter joy and excitement.
Within seconds he had persuaded you and made you slide your hands quickly into his large palm before you saw the grin on his face widening as he grasped your hand tighter and helped you with ease up.
Just moments later you found yourself standing in the warm summer rain, feeling it falling on your skin and pelting down onto your clothes as it let the light fabric cling to your body within seconds before Negan’s warm hand was slowly leaving yours.
Before you had fully recognized him slipping from your side you suddenly felt large splashes of water hitting your skin, letting your glance snap up only to look into to the roguish, almost devilish amused, face of Negan who had one of his feet buried in a puddle of rainwater and didn’t wait another second to let it snap up again to hit you with the next splash.
“Oh you asshole”, you called indignantly but laughing out, looking wide eyed at him while a booming and throaty laughter mumbled through his broad chest. “Ah come on, you else never fucking complain when I spurt on you”, Negan chuckled as some wet strand of his dark hair detached from their slicked back state and fell into his face while the smirk on his face grew wider.
You let out a chuckling groan, shaking your head playfully about him before you felt another splash hitting your skin and letting you flinch up.
And even though the way Negan’s wet clothes clung to his body, the way he stroke his dark and wet hair with a wide grin on his lips back and the way the raindrops ran down his skin almost caught all of your attention for a moment, the revenge thoughts quickly got it back.
“Just you wait!”, you called snickering out through the rain that kept pelting with small thuds onto the earthy and grassy ground while Negan rose his eyebrows and let his tongue run teasingly over his lower lip as if he wanted to spur you even more on.
Giving him one last grin you turned around and paced over to the small flower field at the hedge, already seeing the watering can lingering by its side that had filled itself with rainwater by now.
“Oh hell no”, you heard Negan call from somewhere behind you, catching on about what you were heading for while it just made you run faster as Negan’s splashing footsteps sounded closer and closer through to you.
More laughs left your lips as made your way closer to the watering can but almost tripped on the slippery grass before you finally grabbed the green can and turned as fast around as its weight allowed you to.
Catching Negan just a few feet away from you, you heft the can more up, wrapped your hands around its end before pushing it away from you, letting the water rush out of its larger opening in a big splash right against his tall frame.
“Holy Fuck!”, he called out as the water hit his face and his broad shoulders, soaking his shirt even more than it already was before his eyes darted right at you again as he stroke another bunch of wet hair strand out of his face.
“Ya better run”, Negan said lowly, smirking wolfishly as he was already beginning to take some teasingly slow steps towards you in the pelting rain before suddenly letting his arms and hands shot towards you, trying to grasp you as you jumped back as new laughter erupted both of your bodies.
Feeling how more and more raindrops ran down your skin and the water of the ground splattered against your legs with each fast step you took, you ran faster, trying to outrun Negan who was already on his way to you, coming closer and closer with each of his large steps.
“You won’t get me”, you called out, already breathing heavily as more chuckles left your lips before you suddenly felt his fingers trying to grasp your waist.
A gasp left your lips as soon as his fingers tightened, his large hands cupped your sides before he stopped you completely by wrapping his strong arms around you and pulling you against his firm and wet chest.
“Gotcha”, Negan drawled as his hot breath vibrated against your ear and his arms tightened a little more around your body.
“And you can bet your sweet ass on that I won’t fucking let you go again”, he chuckled, his wet and warm lips pressing in against your jaw and down your neck before he let his teeth tug softly on the sensitive skin of your neck.
“You’re just afraid you’re gonna get another load of water”, you chuckled, turning around in his arms to face him as he leaned closer in to you.
A wet hair strand fell into his face while more rain drops got caught in his salt and pepper beard before his grin grew even wider, “The only fucking one who’s gonna get a damn load is you”, he chuckled lowly against your lips before he quickly captured them and pulled you in a deep kiss.
Almost as if the rain was melting the both of you into each other you stood in the middle of the garden, slinging your arms around his neck and burying your fingers in his tousled hair, while Negan pressed your body closer against his as deep growls rumbled through his chest and vibrated in an intoxicating rhythm against you.
Almost breathless you let go of each other, his lips hovering still closely above yours before another chuckle wandered up his throat as he leaned in to give your lips another peck.
“Now lets get inside”, he murmured with his deep drawling voice against your wet skin, “Gotta peel that wet shit off of you…unless you wanna fuck in the rain?”
With a thick knot in your stomach and a heartbeat that was speeding up with each passing second, you left Negan’s patient room and followed Rick towards the infirmary’s large kitchen. With each step you were catching up on his heavy footsteps, feeling as if he was leading you like a lamb to the slaughter even though he had just asked you for a talk. A talk for the very first time in a while and a goddamn talk after the tension between the both of you hadn’t ebbed away, not even closely. He was still looking at you the very same way as he had when he had found out about your relationship to Negan, so now your mind and body tried to prepare for whatever he was about to throw at you while thousands of questions buzzed through your head uncountable bees in a busy hive.
By now, you could hear Siddiq roaming around in the kitchen, grabbing meds out of drawers that were originally supposed to carry cooking utensils while the sound of whatever he was doing in these moments echoed horribly through your head.
Sooner than you liked you found yourself standing in the kitchen, leaning against one of the wooden counters while Rick stood just a few feet away from you, sinking his fingers into the brunette curls at the back of his head as he was letting out a sigh. For a short moment, your eyes wandered to Siddiq, eyeing the old brown leather bag you hadn’t seen him use before while the name that was scribbled onto it’s side with a black sharpie, just like the special meds inside let a another shudder run through you. ‘Maggie’ was written on the bleached out part at the bag’s edge and meds just as vitamins that could be used for the last bit of her pregnancy and the eventual birth were sorted into its inside. You knew it couldn’t be too long anymore, just as you knew that Siddiq would leave Alexandria a little earlier than the estimated birthdate to make sure everything was fine. So the fact that he was now already packing the bag to make sure he had everything for whenever this time would be was surprising you less than Rick turning up at your doorstep. “You need me to go?”, you suddenly heard Siddiq ask, ripping you away from your thoughts of Maggie and back into your nervousness about Rick as he looked up from one of the drawers and made the leader’s glance dart at him. “No, no, it’s fine”, he just said giving you a small bit of hope that this talk wouldn’t turn into just another fight before the way his blue orbs wandered over to you quickly let your stomach drop again. “Well, I wanted to ask you for something”, Rick said, letting the astonishment in your body grow as you slowly rose your brows and waited for him to continue. “Now that…Negan”, he spoke the name out as if keeping it in his mouth any longer would poison him, “is doing better…I’d like to have you working outside. We can need every helping hand…so after everything…yours too.” With that he stopped and looked at you, into your eyes that darted with even bigger astonishment than before at him. You knew that they needed help, that Alexandria was trying hard to recover, still you hadn’t thought of him asking you for your help, not after your last encounter. Hell, you had expected him to throw anything at you when he had stood in the doorframe of Negan’s room. Anything but this. “If it’s okay, she could accompany me”, you suddenly heard Siddiq rip you out of the surprised trance you had been floating in over the last seconds. “I’ve been having a lot work lately, from small stuff to bigger wounds and by now I got the feeling she knows more about the meds we got here than me”, Siddiq added with a sympathetic chuckle, referring to the uncountable times you had sorted tablets and salves in and out, had helped him treating and changing Negan’s bandages and had him teach you one or the other thing that could be helpful, adding onto the bit Hershel had taught you such a long time ago. You were still swinging somewhere between astonishment and surprise as some relief sneaked into your body, slowly settling in as you began to realize that this could be a first step into a better direction, maybe into finally becoming a part of all of this again. Just as Negan shot into your mind along with the fact that you had to leave him alone to fulfill Rick’s plea the relief got poked by some guilt. But before you could even think about it any more you heard Rick’s voice ripping you out of your thoughts. “Good idea but I need her somewhere else, the crops or the wall maybe”, Rick said, something swinging in his voice you couldn’t fully recognize along with its pressed and a little too fast pace. “So what do you say?…Could be a new beginning”, Rick asked, as his eyes were like glued on you again while this last part made a rush of hope rush through your body even though you were still feeling overwhelmed and a little confused. Sure, Rick was clenching his jaw, his nostrils were trembling a bit and the muscles in his cheek were twitching slightly like they always did when he was tensed up but for a situation like this, a situation after your last arguement…not nearly as much as you had thought. Rick’s brows perked up as he looked at you, and just as your eyes met his again you knew that you had to take this opportunity if you wanted things to become better, even if you just wanted to not let them become worse. Hell, after all, you had waited for some kind of possibility this whole time so now, you needed to take it or you wouldn’t just be a hypocrite, you’d lose the last bit of hope for a new start too. So you pushed your guilt away, told yourself that Siddiq would take good care of Negan, as well as that Negan wouldn’t want you to pass on a chance like this and with that, you gave Rick a nod. “I’m in”, you told him, seeing him responding with a nod as well while a small smile began to form on your lips as you began to realize that this was real just before you could hear Rick clearing his throat. “Alright, then I’ll see you tomorrow morning at 9 am at my house.”
Still feeling as if you were half-way stuck in a trance you found yourself sitting not too much later at the edge of Negan’s bed just seconds after you had told him about everything that had happened in the kitchen. And while you had talked, you had seen the worry that had plastered all over his face when you had rushed into the room being mostly replaced with relief. But still, you could see in his eyes that a bit concern was left and it didn’t surprise you just remembering the way you had laid sobbing in his arms after the last and only time you had been outside this house and had encountered a whole lot of them in the worst way possible. “If he’d riled you up and made you cry, I fucking swear I’d climbed out of this goddamn shitbed and ripped him a fucking new one”, Negan grumbled reaching towards your hand to let his fingertips run over your knuckles while his jaw tensed slightly. You looked softly at him, having to give him a tiny smile caused by his protectiveness before you curled your fingers around his to reassure him a little, “It wasn’t just him this last time…was just the cherry on the top”, you mumbled, catching his hazel eyes as they glanced up. Back then, you had been mad – furious at Rick for what he had done while you were gone, for taking Lucille and for the chains he had put on Negan that were now gladly gone, but it had been a bit since then and even though the stubbornness in your body protested a little, you couldn’t pass on any chances. “I know he’s just asking for my help to work…but it’s a start”, you mumbled, letting your smile grow a little as you shifted a bit on the mattress. “Yeah…now I’m glad Rick’s swallowing whatever shit he’s got stirring in his damn skull, still…take care, alright? Don’t let any of those angry fuckers get you down”, he mumbled while you could see in the way he was glancing at you that didn’t trust Rick’s offer all the way yet. “I won’t”, you mumbled, giving him another small smile before you exhaled softly as you heft yourself a little up to climb next to him into the bed, feeling how he was wrapping his arms around you as soon as you huddled up to him. His scent quickly engulfed you as you nuzzled your nose into the warm skin of his neck and hummed quietly in approval as soon as his lips pressed a kiss on your temple while you hoped that as soon as you’d close your eyes, this new start wouldn’t turn out as just a dream that splattered like an air bubble.
“Feelin’ fine?”, you heard Negan ask the next morning, careful and still a little concerned as he had just gulped down another spoon full of his oatmeal and was eyeing your face, taking care of that he could catch any of your reactions. “Yeah”, you mumbled, shifting on your chair and letting the wide end of your spoon sink into the thick mixture as you looked into his hazel eyes, “Just a little nervous, that’s all.” You gave him a small smile, and neither it nor your words were a lie. Sure, there was still the fear about the reactions of your old friends and anybody else who was working out there which was the source of the nervousness that streamed through your body and made your hands clammy, but the fact that this might be a promising offer kept it in rein. Your glance wandered to the digital clock on Negan’s nightstand, on which the digitals formed again and again into the next one and diminished the time that was left until you had to make your way towards Rick’s house that was after all, your old home too. And just as another two digits changed and the clock turned into 08:50 you felt Negan’s hand moving over your legs that were hooked over his until he could squeeze your thigh softly. “You’ll carry this crap off, Baby. I fucking know it. You’ll rock the crops or the damn wall or what-fucking-ever”, Negan chuckled softly, winking uplifting at you as he was giving your thigh another squeeze with his large warm palm and was choking his own concern back. “Thanks”, you mumbled, giving him a loving smile before your eyes darted at the clock on which the digits changed faster than you liked. “Want me to pump some special luck into you?”, Negan asked lowly but still with a chuckle as he got your glance back to him, letting you look into his roguish and wolfish eyes as he perked his eyebrows with a wide grin on his lips up. Snickering, you swung your legs off his and shifted off the chair. “I’d love you to do that but I gotta go…don’t wanna be too late on the first day”, you said, giving Negan a small grin as you leaned down to him and cupped his jaw to caress your lips over his. A low growl travelled up his throat as he sat the bowl in his hands aside to pull you a little closer while his salt and pepper beard tickled your fingertips and the sensitive skin of your face before you slowly let go of him. “See you this evening….at the latest”, you mumbled against his lips before pressing another quick peck on his lips before you suddenly felt a little guilt washing back up. “Don’t you worry your sweet ass off for me, I’ll pass my time, too”, he mumbled with a smirk spread over his handsome features as he must have caught the way you had tensed at the sound of your own words. “Might gonna spend some quality time with my dick”, Negan grumbled with a throaty chuckle before you let a laugh vibrate against his lips and shoved his chest playfully, “Or get my ass to begin that book you brought me from home.” He grinned wider as he quirked an eyebrow at you as you leaned in to press your lips once more on his lips before you eventually made your way outside.
The sun was already shining brightly as you made your way down the road, catching how more and more people streamed over Alexandria’s streets and found their proper place to work. You were tensing, this awful feeling that your lungs were pressed more and more in was spreading over your ribcage while the house got closer and closer until you stood eventually right in front of it. It was one of the homes that had fully survived the flames and for a short moment you remembered the night you had stood in front of it, surrounded by the fire of other houses, right after you had helped Carl, right before Negan had beaten the man to death who had left you with bleeding wounds and dark bruises for doing so. A shudder ran down your spine just thinking about those moments that almost made you feel the stinging of your injuries and the biting heat of the flames again. Taking a deep breath you stumbled up the stairs, your clammy hands pressing onto the fabric of your pants before your eyes caught something in the corner of the porch that hadn’t been there before. Two handprints in dried blue paint, a small and a bigger one. Just as your mind began to grasp whose handprints that had to be, the small one that fitted to a toddler and the other that could fit to someone older, but still far from fully grown, a harsh shudder ran through you and the squeaking sound of a door made your glance shot up. Rick’s blue eyes darted at you as he stood in the door way, glancing at you while you felt a little bit like a helpless first grader waiting for the teacher to guide you into the class. “Hey”, you just mumbled, glancing inside at the clock on the wall that had just pointed at the black 9 on the clock face. “Guess we’ll get going then”, Rick said with a quick nod, a little tensed as well before he made a quick hand gesture down the porch.
Moments later you found yourself walking with Rick down the street, here and there you could catch some eye pairs glancing at the strange view of the both of you together. “You’ll work at the crops, digging up some soil and planting the vegetables we can grow right now”, Rick mumbled, his glance still darting right into what laid in front of him instead of you. You just mumbled an “Okay” back along with a small nod as he lead you further away from the infirmary and his home, along houses that were being rebuild, other crops and small and newly dug up fields where people were already working on growing new supplies. Just as you got closer to the plain opposite of where you had started and walked into the direction of the older parts of the wall, that were already a little rusted and would probably get within the next months renewed to build Alexandria bigger and stronger, your eyes caught another field. A big part of it was already dug up, another bit of it was still nothing but dirt and grass that was marked off with a red cord while five people were pacing over the field. “Almost there”, Rick mumbled as you walked closer, giving you the possibility to get a closer look at who you were about to work with. Two men and a woman were digging up the soil within the marked part, another man and a girl, maybe around four or fifteen, were crouching down to prepare seeds to be planted. Rick was a step ahead, pointing at the digging three as you still walked over the road ,”Might recognize their faces. They got from the Hilltop here to help. From left to right, Seth, Molly and Rob.” Rick’s finger wandered over them, from the tall, light brown haired man who seemed to be in his late thirties, to the short and sturdy woman who must be in her late twenties or early thirties and then to the slim and auburn haired man who had to be about the same age as the woman. You gave him a nod, right before he gestured to the two who were crouching on the ground and who both hadn’t caught Rick nor you yet. “They’re from the kingdom…that’s Caleb and the girl’s Eden”, Rick mumbled, nodding towards the both of them. The man was just picking up his small shovel to dug a little deeper into the soil as his glance went up to capture you and Rick. He was probably in his mid-twenties, his short, ash blonde hair was already a bit tousled from the work while some glaucous eyes wandered over you as his eyebrows puckered slightly, as if he was pondering for a moment.
The girl, Eden, was looking for a short moment up as well, but instead like the young man she just clenched her jaw for a few seconds before she quickly glanced back to the ground. Your eyes stayed stuck on her for some small moments, glancing over her face, over the undeniable resemblance and the long blonde hair that was just a bunch of shades lighter than the young man’s which made you quickly realize that both of them must be siblings. ”Thought you could help Caleb and Eden with the planting”, Rick mumbled while your eyes wandered over the field as the young man’s were darting back to the ground again. “They already know you’ll join them. So Caleb’s gonna induct you in everything else you need to know”, Rick began to say, dryly and clenching his jaw again before you looked for the first time since you had left the house into his eyes. “Okay”, you mumbled, feeling the nervousness beginning to sneak up into you again before you already saw him turning into the direction you had come from. Still you felt a bit like that schoolgirl, not really sure how to behave, but before you could decide how you’d do that towards your old friend, he took the decision from you as he gave you a nod and made his way back down the street. Gulping, you glanced at the workers while a small part of you was glad that none of them were one of your old friends even though you exactly knew that these five probably weren’t be too happy to work with you as well. War’s end or not, their thoughts about Negan couldn’t have changed much. And same would most likely count for the person by his side. So was it now your turn to shift those thoughts? At least about you?
With a deep breath you began to stroll over to Caleb, feeling the restlessness in your body grow while you were still figuring a way out how to properly act. Just as you stood a few feet away from him, his eyes darted up at you and before you could press out a “Hello” or anything else, he quickly got on his feet, smeared the dirt a bit off his hands and onto his jeans just to stretch a hand out to you. “Hey, I’m Caleb”, he said, giving you a slight but still friendly smile that perplexed you for the very first seconds. That on his face wasn’t Rick’s work, he had given you this job but you couldn’t think of him explicitly telling them to be nice to you. No, this guy was actually just being kind and just as you realized it you tried to get rid of your own clammy hands and gave his a small squeeze before you finally got yourself to raise your voice. “Hi, Rick just told me about you”, you said, pressing a small smile into the corners of your lips, “(Y/N).” “Yeah, I know”, he said, still with that friendly smile that you hadn’t expected from any one here in Alexandria towards you, but as much as it surprised you as much made it loose you a little up. “Okay, think we’ll get to introduce you to our work now, right?”
After the next while you were a lot smarter about what was going on at your new workplace, got to know that they were mostly trying to plant kale and tomatoes at the moment, just to have, especially with the former, vegetables that could mostly grow all year long. You got to know where the big metallic box with the tools you needed stood that got used by some other people at different crop fields as well and had already been the source of some drama when some shovels had mysteriously disappeared and then one day later just as mysteriously reappeared. You got to know the way they liked to work and plant the seeds and seedlings they had transported from the Hilltop over to Alexandria and while Caleb stayed as friendly as he had been at your welcoming, the other four, including his sister, kept their distance most of the times. They weren’t rude and not nearly as passive or even openly aggressive like some of your old friends had been around you, but rather reserved and while you weren’t gonna hold that against them, you definitely preferred Caleb’s openness. “Seemed surprised earlier”, you heard Caleb say as he dug into the soil and shoveled deeper into the dirt before his glaucous eyes wandered up to you while you had just planted your first Hilltop plant into the earth. You swallowed slightly, not sure what to say as your glance met his, “Just isn’t the reaction I mostly get when I meet people around here”, you mumbled, letting out an uneasy chuckle before you caught him shrugging his shoulders slightly. “War’s over, we don’t have that peace for nothing…now I don’t know everything but I heard Michonne say you wanted it to stop so…”, he grumbled, digging with his hands into the earth before he looked back up at you, “And every-…at least most people deserve another chance.” His eyes were darting at you, before you gave him another small but thankful smile and got back to the plant in front of you, grabbing your small shovel just as you heard his voice again. “Talking about second chances, huh?”, Caleb said as he made your glance wander up to him, watching him nodding over to the tool box and a person you hadn’t even thought you’d see again. Your lips began to gape slightly open, the shovel loosened itself out of your grasp and fell with a dull thud into the dirt as your eyes wandered over the woman, as if they wanted to make sure that she wasn’t just a mirage. But she wasn’t, the a bit too sharp hair cut was still the same, the clothes were changed from the cloak to some jeans and a plaid shirt and the blonde was just a bit more grown out than before, revealing more of the brunette roots. Jadis. You gulped, not able to get your eyes off the woman as your only real encounter with her flashed in front of your eyes. The fight, right after you had seen Negan and Rick almost killing one another in a burning and walker infested building, right after you had been with them in this burning hell, right after you had fallen with Negan through the glass window and had ended up injured but differently to Negan conscious on the blacktop of an alley. Right as you had tried with all might to protect Negan from her, tried to keep her from taking him, tried to unsuccessfully tell her that her group’s massacre hadn’t been his but Simon’s fault, tried to use Negan’s beloved bat to win against her while you were fighting a whole other battle with the unconsciousness that wanted to drag you into its depths. And it had won along with her, she had taken him away from you that day. When you had found him back, alive and along with Lucille strolling through her junkyard, you had pretty quickly found out that Negan hadn’t killed her, not even after what she had tried to do to Lucille. He seemed to rather pity her, felt on top of that guilty to have trusted Simon just to be betrayed that greatly and with that, you weren’t feeling the urge right now to go for her jugular. Still, it was odd to see her now, here in Alexandria after all. But maybe that was the way others were seeing you too.
”Surprised again?”, Caleb asked as he for the first time managed to get your eyes off of her again,”I was too, after everything that has happened between her and Rick-” He shrugged his shoulders slightly as his eyes darted for a moment to the plant in his hands before they wandered back up to Jadis. ”But Anne’s been doing a good job as far as I know-” ”Anne?”, you asked as he trailed off in response to your puckered brows. ”Yeah, Anne. Got no idea where she got that ‘Jadis’ thing from but apparently the one now’s her real name”, Caleb mumbled, shoveling some soil around the thin roots while you gave him a small nod. ”Either way, eyery hand can help and as I said…she seems to do a good job and for now, that’s the only thing that counts, right?”, Caleb added, while he put his attention back to the work right in front of him. ”Yeah”, you just mumbled back, feeling how your glance began to wander back up to the large tool box just to suddenly meet a pair of dark eyes that darted astounded right back at you. Just like you had been looking at her moments ago, she was now looking at you, with slightly widened eyes and lips that were gaping surprised open right before she seemed to force herself to rally her mind again. Gulping she looked away, grabbing a small rake before she quickly made her way back towards where she had come from, leaving you still a little wondering.
And after Jadis or Anne or whatever she was really called had left, Caleb kept on talking a little here and there with you, in between shoveling deeper into the soil and planting new vegetables, all while the others mostly stayed focussed on their work and the talks they already had with one another. And with each hour that passed in the warmly shining sun, you were finding more things out that made you feel like you had truly been living in a bubble for the last weeks, shielded from any information that considered the past, the present and maybe even the future. Morgan was gone, not dead, but gone. First he had lived at the junkyard, apart from people to find himself again, then, despite Rick and others trying to persuade him otherwise, he had left into the unknown without telling anybody where he was going or when – if he was coming back. Another thing were the missing people you noticed, the ones that had died during the battles and of whose faiths you hadn’t known about till now, except for Eric’s. Tobin and Francine were just a few of the names that made you gulp harshly and clench your jaw when you thought about the fact that they hadn’t died because of the dead, but because of a goddamn war. There were new people as well, or at least people new to Alexandria that had been transferred here from other communities to help rebuilding the Safe Zone. A few of them had been residents of the Hilltop whose faces you could recognize here just as you had done it with Seth, Molly and Rob’s, others were completely unknown like Caleb and Eden. Next to the new people, there was newly achieved knowledge too, from a book the Hilltop had been given by another small group which contained all kinds of instructions for windmills, water pumps and anything else a community needed to someday fully function on its own. The story about how they got it was almost a little too strange to actually believe, but after all and after how much you had heard this book could help, it seemed to have been worth it. And next to all this, you were sure there was more you were about to discover, step by step.
The sun made its journey over the sky above you while hour after hour passed and the day at the crops began to leave its marks on you. Your back and knees were aching slightly from bending over the soil and shifting over the earthy ground, and while you inwardly cursed the hell out of it, a tiny part of you was in an odd way glad about feeling like you had done something. Your hands were still stained with the dark brown earth as you began to collect your tools shortly after Seth had called out that it was quitting time for today. Caleb was at the other side of the field, talking to his younger sister and Rob, while Seth and Molly were collecting the empty food cans you had eaten in your short break as you began to shove the small rakes and shovels into your arms before you got yourself with a small but strained groan back on your feet. Your fingers laced around the handles, making sure that you wouldn’t let everything fall within the next seconds while a small smile began to grow on your lips as your mind wandered to the fact that it was just a bit left until you could go back to your transitory-home and Negan. After all, he had been for the last weeks in the infirmary and even for the bunch of months before as good as always been around you, so not seeing him all day long let your longing for him grow and made you look forward to the moment you could walk back into the infirmary. Still with the small smile on your lips and with your eyes stuck to the tools in your arms you began to stroll in the direction of the metal box, keeping yourself from stumbling over the uneven ground before your eyes went up to the metallic box that was glistening in the warm light. And just as your eyes got a little dazzled by the reflecting beams you caught the person standing next to it who just began to drop a little rake along with other tools into the box. The moment your eyes caught the sharp hair cut again your feet stopped walking while your mind was already beginning to rush, troubled with the question of what to do if you didn’t want to have this all to end up awkward as hell. You couldn’t go back to the crops, if, and you were sure that she’d notice, it wouldn’t only make it more awkward, it would make you feel cowardish too. So even though you wished you would have just kept kneeling a little longer on the ground, you began to make your way towards her and the box, keeping an eye on the tools in your arms while you could feel how her glance began to capture you as the clicking sound of dropping metal echoed through your head. A tight breath left your lips as you reached the box, catching how her earth stained hands were sorting more tools into its inside. And just as you began to loose your grasp on the ones in your arms as they were beginning to dig uncomfortably into your skin, you suddenly heard how she uneasily cleared her throat and rose her voice. “Heard he killed him…Simon”, she mumbled, leaving you for a short moment astounded as your eyes got lead by the sound of her voice up to her face and met her eyes for a split second. Slowly, you began to nod, your eyes pacing in between her and the tools as you were trying to estimate her more with every passing second, “Yeah…he did.” For a short moment, she stayed quiet, the corners of your eyes only caught how she gave you a small nod as well while only the sound of the clinking metal on one another and the dull voices of the people around you sounded through to you. “That it had been his…Simon’s decision to murde-”, she began again, her voice breaking shaking off as she couldn’t even finish the last word before she took a sharp breath and looked hesitantly at you ,”…that’s what you were trying to tell me, right?” When you punched me to the ground and pressed your shoe’s sole into my face? Yes, I tried. You gulped down your first thought, knowing that after all, she had just lost everything. That she refused to let someone from the other side, who’s crouched whimpering but still protectively over the alleged enemy and murder, talk to her wasn’t a big surprise. And as much as you didn’t like to admit it, every one would, you included. “Yeah”, you ended up to just mumble back while you caught her giving you another nod before the last one of her tools landed with the dull thud in the box. With a tight breath falling from her lips, her hands found the box’s side, her fingertips pressing against the dirty metal as if she was searching for some support. “Sorry”, you suddenly heard her say, quietly but clear, before this one word made you look up into her eyes that were even though they were holding a glance you couldn’t fully recognize, genuine. “Sorry ‘bout your people too”, you said back after a few quiet seconds, feeling like you couldn’t leave the obvious hanging in the air. She just gave you another small nod as her eyes went down, filling with some sadness before she cleared her throat once again. “See you around”, she mumbled awkwardly as she was glancing up at you for a small second before loosening her hold on the metal and leaving you standing there, with the last tools in your arms and still astounded that you had just talked to her.
The proceeding evening sun was turning everything in even warmer colors as you found yourself walking up to the infirmary’s front door whose white surface got drowned into a bright shade of orange. Smearing the last bit of dirt off your hands on your now brownish looking pants you grabbed the doors handle and pushed it open, letting you slip inside before you closed it with a small thud behind yourself. “I’m back”, you called out, trying to find out if Siddiq was still working only to hear the familiar voice calling back that brought a pleasant warmth into your aching body. “Fuck yes!”, you heard Negan call back with a loud and throaty chuckle as your cheeks began to gleam in anticipation and your feet were carrying you through the kitchen and the hallways, leaving swift footsteps behind that sounded over the wooden floorboards. Chuckling quietly you let your foot nudge against the edge of his door that was just off the latch before it opened and revealed Negan leaning against the backrest of his patient bed, grinning widely at you while something very familiar was gone. “You’ve shaved”, you said surprised as you looked into his eyes and saw his lips widening that were no longer surrounded by the salt and pepper beard. “Well, ‘hello’ to you too”, Negan chuckled, running a hand over his clean shaved cheek as you began to walk over to his bed’s side. “Surprised, huh? Had to get that shit off before it could run wild”, he said smirking as one of his hands reached up to your hip. “Really? I liked it”, you chuckled as you already saw him perking his dark brows up. “Better than clean fucking shaven? Don’t tell me you don’t like it, getting that shit off was hard as fuck…had to take care that I wasn’t getting those damn bandaids wet…I bet Doc would’ve killed me otherwise”, Negan snickered teasingly. “No, I like that just as much. The work was worth it”, you chuckled, before you leaned down to him to press your lips on his, letting them caress over the familiar lips and the unusual smoothness of his face’s skin you hadn’t felt till now and which was replacing the tickling of the beard. Humming contently into the kiss you felt him pulling you a little closer while the hunger you had build up for him over the day got slowly satisfied. “Come here”, Negan grumbled against your lips as soon as you’d let a little go of him to catch your breath. “Nah I have to shower first, I got earth all over me”, you grumbled as you looked down on your stained pants and shirt, “I’m too dirty.” Just as you had spoken out the last few words you let out a small groan as you heard Negan’s throaty chuckle and saw him grinning widely at you. “Oh, you can’t be too damn dirty for me”, he teased lowly, running his tongue over his lower lips before another chuckle rumbled through his chest as you playfully nudged his arm. “I’ll be right back, and then I’ll have some surprises for you too.”
A bit later, after you had washed the soil off your skin and had pulled some clean clothes for the evening and the night over, you sat on the chair next to Negan’s bed, your legs swung over his like usual while you ate the last bites of your sandwich and finished to tell him about the last bit of your day, including all the surprises you’ve had. From Jadis or Anne – you still weren’t too sure what to call her – to the people you worked with, Negan was being curious about everything you had done all day. He had been just as surprised as you about the fact that she had decided to live here after all, had been more than glad that you didn’t have another awful or painful encounter with anybody outside even though you could tell by the way he was now clenching his jaw slightly that he was at least a bit suspicious of Caleb and his friendliness. “I just fucking want you to be okay, that’s why”, Negan said, running his fingers over your legs as he had seen the way your brows had rose slightly in response to his glance. “I know”, you said back, watching how his glance was focused on his tracing fingers while you knew that next to the concern there was a tiny bit that was poking his jealously vein. He glanced up at you as you stayed silent for a moment, his eyes wandering over your face before he gulped as he seemed to try to read your thoughts off your expression. Clenching his jaw slightly, you could tell that he was pondering, probably cursing the hell out of himself before his hazel eyes found yours. “I’m not jealous of that guy. I’m damn happy for you, I really fucking am”, he finally said, referring to what hung unspoken in the air while even though he was denying it for your sake and you truly believed him that he was more than happy for you, a part of the sound in his voice and his glance backstabbed him regarding the jealousy, no matter how small he was trying to keep it. Setting the plate that was laying in your lap aside you gave him a soft smile before you a small strained breath left your lips as you heft yourself up from the chair and climbed next to him into the bed. “I know”, you said again, leaning in to peck his lips before you smiled at him as you pressed another kiss against his clean shaven cheek,“There wouldn’t be a reason to either way.”
Feeling how Negan tucked you in beneath the blanket along with him, you cuddled closer up, laid your head into the curve of his neck and let your hand rest on his slowly rising and falling chest. A small yawn left your lips as you could feel the work of the day urging your body to pay the price while Negan leaned his head against yours and let his lips press a soft kiss on your forehead. “Maybe I can make you some spaghetti someday with those tomatoes I’ve planted”, you chuckled quietly, nuzzling your nose into the warmth of his neck as his lips grew into a soft smile before you suddenly felt it hush as he was tensing a little while your mind began to replay your words that suddenly began to look different as you thought about them once more. Someday, someday when he was in prison, someday when he wasn’t able to cook for you, nor to do anything with you outside his cell. You gulped by the thought while you began to inwardly curse yourself as more suspense began to build up in you. Both of you knew that this day would come on which he would be locked away and it ached inside you just giving it a single thought, just like it did with the pictures your mind was making up as soon as it was swinging towards the cold cell. You both weren’t actually talking about it, rather trying to blend it out to use the time he still had outside but you knew that it had a limit. Two more weeks, that was what Siddiq had said would it take till Negan was fit again and enough healed to be recovered enough for what he had diplomatically called ‘the next step’. Two weeks and while that was still a bit, it didn’t feel like enough. Probably nothing would when you knew what was coming after, even though there was a part of you that was simply glad that Negan was properly recovering. It was a goddamn double edged sword. “I’m fucking sure you will”, Negan mumbled, his deep voice was soft as he leaned in to press a gentle kiss on your forehead, almost as if he was urging himself to think positive, also for you. Just as you felt like some guilt poking you again you could feel a small grin of his growing against your skin. “But you won’t beat mine. I can tell you that. No one beats my spaghetti”, Negan teased with a small chuckle that made you loose up again ,”Not even my girl.”
Days began to pass, you continued your work at the crops and for once everything seemed to become better. While Caleb stayed as friendly as before, the other four were still reserved and kept their distance but you felt like they were loosening a tiny bit up, at a slow, even glacial pace, but it was better than you had dared to wish for at the very beginning. There were some small lows in between whenever Tara or Rosita passed the field and cold glances were shot your way and while they hurt as much as before, they were outweighed by the hope that you might were able to make something better out of your chance, if not with them, then at least with the others of your old friends. Negan made some progress as well, he got stronger again, could walk some more on his own, the wounds healed a little more and while Siddiq was glad about the course Negan’s recovery was taking, he still made sure to tell each of you to soft-pedal since his full recuperation would still take a bit. After all, the wounds still weren’t as healed as he liked and Negan’s body’s new won strength could still swing quickly into the weakness again if he was overburdening himself just a little too much.
Almost a week had gone by as you found yourself kneeling on the soil again while the sun was on its way closer to the skyline of the trees and your body was marked by the hours you had already spent on the field this day. Your eyes were focused on the seedling in front of you, on the small shovel in your hands while you heard how Caleb strolled over the field and eventually let himself fall next to you again, groaned slightly in response to his aching knees that hit the ground before he bent himself over the dark soil again. The sudden roaring of truck engines made your glance snap up for a moment that was that loud that you could even hear it at the field that was a good bit off the gates before you caught how Caleb looked up for a moment. “They’re going on a run?”, you asked, puckering your brows slightly in response to the zooming sounds that began to quickly depart before Caleb shook his head as his glaucous orbs darted at you. “You haven’t heard yet? That thing’s spreading out like a wildfire around here ”, he asked, raising his brows as he shifted a little over the soil while you were already shaking your head, confused by his question. “The Hilltop got in touch with Rick, not even a half hour ago. Maggie gets closer to giving birth with each day and as much as Eden told me, she asked Siddiq to come over. Don’t know if she had some trouble or something, but to be honest I was already surprised that she didn’t call earlier…it’s a good bit till the due date but you can never know, right?”, Caleb asked, his eyes back at the seedling while your mind already swung in a state of trance from the moment on he had mentioned Siddiq’s name. Sure, he had been prepared, the leather bag with her name written on the rugged fabric, the small calendar you had seen him fill out with the possible birth date and you had known that he could go any day, but still, that he was gone now whirled up a whole new set of questions. Not only if Maggie and the kid were okay, also now that Siddiq was gone, who was with Negan? After all, Rick wouldn’t leave him unattended, not even if he would chain him to the bed again, no matter if it was a simple fact that Negan wouldn’t make it far with his body that still needed to become stronger. So did they put a guard in front of the infirmary? Pondering you stared at the ground for a few moments, knowing that you had to wait at least an hour, if not more until it was quitting time and you could find out, till then, all you could do was keep yourself occupied with the seedlings that wanted to sink into the earth to your knees.
The next while felt longer than you liked, each minute seemed to stretch out before you could finally leave the crops behind yourself. The questions had kept bouncing around in your head even though you had been able to keep your mind occupied with work. You found yourself strolling over the streets, passing people who were just finishing their work or were chatting about whats-o-ever, while you began to blend out everything around you and focused on getting to the infirmary. As you were coming closer to the house your eyes were already wandering over to the door and the windows, trying to find a guard or at least someone rummaging around in the kitchen. But you found no one, instead you walked like always into the house that was engulfed in an utter silence that made an uncomfortable tension in you rise. Your footsteps sounded dull over the wooden floorboards and just as you wanted to call out that you were back home, expecting that Negan would call back as always your eyes captured a note laying on the counter of the kitchen. Quickly you paced towards it, your eyes already trying to catch what was written on it before you had even reached the counter until you finally stood in front of it and let your glance slide over the hastily and messily written words. “Sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. Happened pretty fast. I know you know how to go on with Negan’s wounds. I’ll leave you in charge of that. I’m counting on you. I’ll stay in contact with Rick for the rest. See you!”
Your eyes rushed over the words once more, leaving you for a moment standing still by the counter while the sentences rushed through your head. Sure, you knew how to treat the wounds and for the rest Siddiq had mentioned, that must have meant the week Negan was supposed to stay longer at the infirmary, just like the possible extension in case the recovery would slow down again. So Negan still had to be here, right? “I’m back”, you called out, hoping to hear his voice before the silence that followed let the pressure on your ribcage grow. “Negan?”, you called out as you felt how your feet were beginning to make their way through the kitchen and along the hallway. Still no answer. Your breath was becoming heavier, your body more tensed while you tried to keep the thoughts in your head quiet. Hell, after all, he had to be here, he wasn’t fully recovered and maybe, maybe he was just sleeping and didn’t hear you. A part of you still expected to find a guard at some point but instead you found yourself right before Negan’s room, slowly opening the door in hope you’d discover Negan behind it, somewhere deep in the land of slumber.
But you didn’t.
The bed was empty, the sheets tousled and everything else that belonged to Negan, spare shirts and sweatpants as well as other personal belongings you had brought him from the Sanctuary that had laid on the shelf in the corner of the room were gone.
He was gone.
“Negan?”, you called out again after you had stood in bewilderment in the doorframe for moments before you were now pacing through the room, into the next hallway while your mind was forming into a mess. You were rushing through the house, looking into empty chambers and bathrooms even though you already deep down knew that you wouldn’t find him here. His clothes were gone, shit, every fucking thing of him was gone and you knew that Negan hadn’t been the one to walk himself out of the infirmary. He wasn’t here, but there was another place where he could be that made a cold shudder run through your body as you were just thinking about it. Right now, you had no idea, how or why, your mind was way too muddled for that, you just knew that you had to see it with your own eyes.
Your mind was buzzing around this unfinished house, around its basement in which laid the one thing Morgan had built and left even after he had abandoned Alexandria. It wasn’t far, just down the street, far away from the newly arranged fields and instead by the other unfinished townhouses of which a few most of them had made it undamaged through the flames. And while you were stuck in a trance, you paced down the road that was almost empty, blending out anything and anyone on your way. Your pulse was pounding in your ears, the tension was rising and the fear to actually find Negan behind cold metal bars was settling down in your body even though a force in you tried to deny it. Your eyes were focused on the last house before you urged yourself to walk closer to the corner towards the entrance, knowing that if you would find anyone standing there, guarding the house that your fear would turn into a horrible reality. A tight breath fell from your lips, your hands turned clammy before you crossed the corner and felt how the blood in your veins froze. A dark haired man stood in front of the door, leaning against the brick wall while a gun was resting in his belt’s holster next to a walkie as he let his hand wander of the thick beard that was covering his cheeks and jaw. “Fuck”, just pressed itself out of your lips in a breathy and almost inaudible manner while your mind and body was turning in a whole lot worse mess. Within seconds the dark eyes of the man darted towards you, wandering over your face as he gulped heavily as soon as he realized who you were and what you were about to want. For moments you just stood there in silence, stuck in shock and still swinging somewhere in denial, trying to tell yourself that there had to be other reasons why this man was standing there even though you knew the truth. “He’s inside”, and with those words the man broke the last bit of hope deep inside you as he spoke up and heft himself away from the wall. A shudder ran through your body, the pressure tightened on your ribcage and threatened to press all air out of your lungs while an awful mix of boiling heat and icy coldness rushed through your veins. “I can let you inside the house but not into the cell”, the man added, as if he was reading off of your face while another shudder ran down your spine, your body still glued to the spot in bewilderment before you felt yourself nodding.
From this point on everything felt like you were stuck in some video game, playing some shitty avatar that was controlled by someone else while you were stuck in a bubble that made everything around you seem surreal. You passed the guard, heard him saying something to you that didn’t come through to your mind, walked into the house, paced down the stairs and the bubble bursted right as you reached the open door behind the stairs that lead into the next room as a familiar voice made a shudder shoot through your body. “Roger boy, is that you? Trying to get on my fucking nerves ‘cause your ass can walk around like a free fucking chicken while I’m stuck in this shit-thing? Or do ya wanna give Rick a report of how I’m doing? Huh? How I’m fucking doing in here after you and your oh-so-fucking-glorios leader dragged my ass behind those bars? How long has it been? An hour? Less than that? Little early for a report…unless you wanna sleaze up to Ricky’s ass”, his voice was provoking, a chuckle was rumbling through it but it wasn’t the familiar, throaty and amused laugh, no, you could hear that he was sinking to a low and was trying to keep himself entertained so he wouldn’t fall too deep. A tight breath fell from your lips, your mind still a goddamn mess while you were slowly realizing that this was real and not some kind of illusion you could escape earlier or later. “Roger, you there? Or did I chase you away?”, Negan asked with another chuckle that mixed with a huff, right before you felt your body moving closer, as if it wasn’t under your control, your eyes stuck to the bar-door on the right side of the room. And then, with one last step you stood in front of the door while your heart skipped a beat in agony while the blood in your veins seemed to freeze once again. There he was, sitting on a bed in the corner of the room, his elbows propped on his knees as he was staring to the ground. Your eyes were rushing over him, finding not his usual white t-shirt and the grey sweatpants on him but instead some kind of prison uniform they must have put him in. The thick fabric of the steel blue collared shirt he was wearing instead was stretching slightly over his broad shoulders, matching with the blue cloth pants while his bare feet were pressing against the cold cement ground. Your heart ached by the sight of him that got partly blocked by the cold metallic bars that rushed more realness into the situation that seemed like one of your nightmares you just wanted to wake up from. Negan began to shift as you still stood speechless in front of the door, seeing him letting out another scoff before he rose his voice again and with that his glance as well, “Rog-” Within seconds his voice hushed, his hazel eyes darted at you and got drowned immediately into a sorrow filled and confused glance. “(Y/N)…Baby”, he stumbled, his dark brows perked up, then puckered as he rose himself up from the bed with a small and shaking breath before he just stood there, gulping and still staring the same way at you as you were looking at him. “The infirmary was empty and I figured-”, you mumbled, stopped by the sudden lump that was forming in your throat while Negan’s glance stared with more sorrow at you as a deep sigh left his lips. Slowly, Negan walked closer to the door, his eyes wandering to the ground, then back up to you while you were trying to keep it together. Hell, it was hard to see him this way, goddamn hard, but there was this small part in you, next to the rest that was whirled up into a threatening tornado of emotions, that was telling you that you couldn’t be the one to fall apart now. He was the one locked away, it was your part now to be strong, right? No matter how much it hurt or how hard it was. “It..fuck…happened right after Siddiq took off…hauled me through the goddamn backyards to not cause too much of a damn stir….bet Doc doesn’t even know they got me inside this thing here”, Negan mumbled as he stood right on the other side of the door that was the only thing left between you in these moments, while the small part in you got squeezed even smaller by the pain while Negan’s words suddenly began to boom again through your head, just as he had spoke them out. Especially the very last part. Of course Siddiq didn’t know. He wouldn’t want Negan to leave the infirmary yet. Not even for another week, or even more.
And just as a tight breath fell from your lips and your eyes met Negan’s for a split second, everything made suddenly sense. Why Rick had out of all sudden wanted your help, why he was talking about a new beginning, why he hadn’t been as tensed when he had talked to you as you had expected. Why he declined Siddiq’s offer for you to stay at the infirmary and work with him, why he instead wanted you far away at the crops, far away from the infirmary and even this goddamn cell. He had planned this. He had fucking planned this all. He fucking knew Siddiq would be called to the Hilltop soon, he knew Negan was supposed to stay longer at the infirmary than that and he just as fucking knew you wouldn’t let him get Negan into the cell if you were still around the infirmary nor would you reject the chance for a new beginning.
He had planned this. Your old friend had shoved you over the checkerboard like a pawn and you had in your hope jumped right onto it. He didn’t want to give you a new chance.
“Baby?”, you heard Negan ask as you caught how your thoughts had made your glance trail into the emptiness. “I-I’m coming back, I have to talk to Rick”, it left your lips almost unwittingly to your consciousness before you glanced back up to him. “Listen, he won’t let me out of he-” “I know”, you cut him off with a heavy gulp before your voice lowered and got softer, “I know…it’s something connected to this, I just gotta know if it’s true. I’ll be right back and tell you. I promise.” Negan’s hazel eyes stayed glued on you for some more seconds before he slowly began to nod just as you heard the voice of the man you where about to search for echoing quietly through to you.
Not even moments later you were pacing up the wooden stairs again, anger and dissapointment beginning to pump harder through your veins as your own footsteps sounded like dropping bombs in your head before you began to make your way back through the house only to stop as suddenly a pair of familiar blue eyes darted at you. “I’ll leave you alone”, you out of sudden heard the voice of the guard you hadn’t even noticed till now behind Rick as he was just tugging his walkie back into his belt and rushed back outside. So there he stood, sighing deeply while his jaw clenched now as uneasily and tensed as you had expected him to the day he made you the offer. His hand ran through his curls before he looked at you as you still stood like glued to the spot there, too many emotions of all kind raging in you for you to make a proper beginning before you suddenly felt how words began to travel up your throat. “Did you plan this?”, you asked, your eyes focused on Rick, a small part of you hoping to find confusion that would destroy your theory but instead they looked back at you as if he exactly knew what you were talking about, even though you could tell that it began to put pressure on him as well. Instead of giving you an answer he just stared back at you before his eyes travelled to the ground as he let out a stressed sigh, but you weren’t done yet. You needed to know everything of this, how much he had fooled you and why, even though most of you felt like you already knew the truth.
”One week”, you began, feeling how your throat was already tightening as you looked some longer at Rick ,”Siddiq wanted Negan to stay at least one more week at the infirmary.” Rick sighed, his jaw clenched one more time as he seemed to try to find words. “You wanted Negan to get into that cell as soon as Siddiq’d leave, huh?”, you continued, feeling how your voice began to tremble ,”And since you knew that his leaving was possibly gonna happen before he gave you the full go with Negan, you needed to get me out of the way.” You took a deep breath, trying to sort the mass of words and emotions while your glance stayed fixed. “Because neither did you want to leave him just on my watch because you don’t have a fucking ounce of trust left…nor did you want me to get in the way because you knew I wouldn’t let you to transfer him into this shithole before he’d have recovered like Siddiq wanted him to”, your voice was becoming a bit louder, sharper just before it broke down again as soon as you reached the end of the sentence and began to feel how the disappointment was beginning to drown the anger out. You had really hoped for a new beginning. You really had and a part of you felt dumb and naive for allowing this hope to just blindly accept what Rick had asked you too. Hell, you probably should have known better after all.
“You didn’t ask me for help because you actually needed it or because you wanted to give me a new chance…you just wanted to have an easier game…right?”, it blustered out of you, not louder or sharper like before, instead more broken as you could feel how this letdown of his and even frustration about yourself began to form a thick lump in your throat, while Rick still didn’t say a thing. “You knew I’d take it because I wanted this shit to get better. You knew I’d do it”, you said, almost whispered as the lump didn’t allow you to speak louder while you could feel some tears trying to force themselves into your eyes even though you tried everything to keep them from finishing their mission. Taking a deep breath you gulped the tears and the lump for a moment away and felt how the boiling heat in you got the upper hand again. “Did you even tell Caleb to be nice to me so I’d stay there for sure?”, you asked with a growl and a humorless and bittersweet chuckle before you saw Rick shaking his head and rising his voice for the very first time. “No, I didn’t”, he said, forcing himself to sound firm as his eyes darted into yours and a heavy gulp travelled down your throat as you could feel yourself trembling slightly through all the emotions that seemed to rush through every vein and inch of yours. “But the rest is true, or what?”, you asked with another bittersweet chuckle, the hurt still more audible in your voice than you liked as you were staring disbelieving and expectantly at him before he let out a sigh and began to slowly nod. At this moment, Rick suddenly didn’t seem as collusive as his plan anymore, if you were honest and looked through the feelings that were urging you to not let yourself be fooled once again, the glance in his eyes filled with a good bit of shame. A tension filled silence began to set in, and with each passing moment you felt how your emotions were taking more and more control of you. You were mad at Rick, furious but the anger got now drowned out by the disappointment again, by the pain that got set free as the bubble of hope you had began to build yourself up with the wish that you could begin anew with at least some of them bursted. You had been in this conflict for months, in-between two sides while you the fear of losing one or even both of these sides had grown with the war and then, when peace had finally set in, it hadn’t fully been peace for you, another, other, war had started just for you personally and for this one week everything had finally seemed like you were maybe on a way to stop this war too and come on the long way to peace with the other side. And now, now this whole thing had just been another low that began to accompany the others you had already experienced since you were back.
You could feel the lump in your throat growing again, sense the feelings taking over as you sunk your head as soon as you felt how the tears were trying to make their way into your eyes again. “You know what, forget it”, you huffed, your voice sounding more broken than you liked while you were giving in to the disappointment just for these moments. “What?”, you heard Rick say, as if he was torn himself and something in you snapped and made your glance shoot up at him. Your clouded eyes met his, a harsh gulp wandered down your throat before you could feel how it began to break out of you. “I’m sick of this, Rick. I’m fucking sick of this crap. The only fucking person who’s had a halfway normal talk with me here from our old group is Michonne”, you said, feeling how your ribcage was trembling underneath the pressure of the frustration and disappointment. “I’m not fucking telling you to be suddenly all peachy with me again. I just want a damn chance to explain myself, I just want you to believe me like Michonne does. If she can, why can’t you?”, your voice was shaking even as you tried to keep it firm while Rick just stared at you at let out a deep sigh as there was still a bit of the shame stuck in it. “I bet she didn’t even know about this plan here”, you added, your glance wandering over his face as the way his cheek muscles twitched and he clenched his jaw was enough to tell you that you had just spoken the truth out. Another shivering breath fell from your lips, the lump was still at its place and made itself a home while Rick’s silence just spurred the pain that had grown in you on. “I’m not a damn traitor. And you know that. I don’t know what you keep telling yourself to make yourself believe otherwise, but I’m not. I’m with him but Rick, you and I’ve met even during this shit war. You know that I wanted it to stop. You know that I never wanted to get any of you hurt”, your voice kept talking, not even as if it was under your control anymore but rather under the one by your raw emotions. And it didn’t seem to stop just yet. “This chance there meant a whole damn lot to me. That’s all what I’d asked for and you got no damn idea how fucking shitty it is to see that this was all just made up to treat me once more like an outsider”, you said, still shaking but more louder and firmer now even though you could still feel the tears burning in your eyes while Rick gulped harshly and shifted uneasily over the cement ground. “No matter what you say, you still know me. I haven’t just turned into a whole other person”, you added as your voice became calmer again, before it hushed completely and your whole focus was now on Rick and whatever would be his final reaction. He was becoming more restless, more uneasy than before and you could tell that your emotional outbreak had caused to break down some of the wall he had built himself up for you. And judging from the way he was acting now, he was realizing that he had crossed a line with this plan. You glanced back up at him, catching how he pondering ran a hand over his beard stubble before his eyes wandered up until they could catch yours while a deep sigh fell from his lips “You’re open for another offer…a real one?”, he asked, obviously trying to keep his voice firm as you just stared in surprise at him for a moment, trying to process what he had just told you before you already heard him beginning to continue. “I actually need your help now that Siddiq’s gone”, he said, a slight reluctancy sounding through his voice as he gulped, “Need someone who knows the meds and how to treat some wounds properly…” With that he stopped for a moment, his eyes that had trailed through the room as he had talked stopped at your face, while you stayed silent, waiting for him to go on so you could see for yourself what he was planning this time. “For the first few hours till midday I got Rosita to do that, as for the rest, I’d need you…while she’s there you work like before at the crops then take over for the rest of the day”, he mumbled, running his hand once again over his stubbly cheek while your curiosity began to grow since this could be only the first part of the offer. After this disaster, Rick certainly knew that he, even though he probably didn’t like to admit it, owed you something, owed you a fair deal to help him out again even if the rewarding side for you might be a thorn in his flesh. So you glanced expectantly at him, waiting if he would actually go through with it until he finally rose his voice. “And for that…”, Rick began, the uneasiness in his tone clearly revealing how much he actually disliked the part he was about to speak out ,”I’ll let you to him from the evening after work, till the morning.” With that your eyes widened slightly, and the surprised feeling in you rose some more. That was a lot. A whole lot. Hell, you were still mad at Rick for taking Negan out of the infirmary and lying to you, no question, and you’d be mad about that for a while but this offer was big. Your eyes darted warily into his, trying to find out if there was any lie hiding behind them like it had with the first one but instead you only found a genuineness filled glance, even though it got a bit poked by the morosity of his that was obviously not pleased with the fact hat his prisoner would be able to have company for the night. “He needs someone to take care of his wounds either way, so that’d be your job too”, Rick added hastily, almost as if he had couldn’t believe that he was actually making this deal that would after all be to Negan’s favor as well and mad him have to justify this offer to himself as well. You were still a little stuck in a trance before you forced yourself to rip your mind out of it, to let it run over what Rick had said, over each sentence as a small part of you was still warily before the genuine way Rick had behaved and the nights with Negan quickly outweighed any left doubt. “Alright…if we start with it this night, I’m in”, you finally said, mostly to test if Rick actually meant it serious before you saw him clenching his jaw but nevertheless giving you a nod. “Okay”, he said, gulping and still not fully believing what he was allowing you there before he was beginning to rummage with his hand in his pants pockets, before his fingers fished a small silver key out and he nodded towards the staircase.
Already turning around, ready to make your way down you suddenly heard Rick’s voice again. “(Y/N)? Before I let you in-”, he said, stopping to let a deep sigh fall from his lips as if he was getting once again ready for what he was about to say, “Maybe this is actually a new beginning…Carl-” He stopped again, gulping just as he had to mention the name of his son while the sadness in his eyes began to let you realize something. The guilt over crossing the line big time wasn’t by far the only reason why he had given you this offer, this was about not disappointing Carl too, about living up to what he had wished for you all. After all, this had even saved the life of his enemy. “I read his letter for you before I gave it to you…he’d wanted that”, Rick mumbled, his eyes were casted to the ground, his voice thick with emotion before he tried to rally himself. “I just-”, he began but instead of continuing just shook his head with another sigh before he looked up at you. “Yeah…I hope so”, you quietly said, looking into his blue orbs while a big part of you was just trying to sort this mess of what had happened in the past hours.
Just moments later you walked down the stairs, your body tensing slightly in the new mix of feelings that was rushing through you while you almost expected that Negan must have heard most of your argument and probably also your new deal with Rick. Your eyes were like glued to every bit that laid in front of you including Rick who was tensely coming closer to the cell while both of your footsteps sounded dull over the cement ground. And then you finally saw Negan, standing right at the door while the way his face had lightened and loosened up told you that he knew. You were like stuck in a trance again as you heard Rick telling Negan to go into the back of the cell, saw him sliding the key into the lock, right before the click of its unlocking echoed through the room and the metal door sprung open. With a few fast footsteps you stepped inside the cell, hearing how it closed again behind you, heard Rick saying something before it got silent and you got ripped out of the trance as soon Negan’s eyes met yours. Neither of you said anything, neither of you knew what to say or think, neither of you knew if you were supposed to feel devastated by the fact the he was stuck in this thing or happy and glad that you were at least able to be with each other for the night. It was a mess, a full-on giant mess that got provoked by all kinds of feelings and thoughts of which the relieved ones suddenly grew as Negan walked towards you. His arms wrapped around you, a deep breath left his lips and shook through his chest as he cradled you against him while both of you knew without speaking a single word that you needed to get through this mess together, somehow.
With a wide heartfelt smile painted all over the face, happy laughs and chuckles rumbling through the firm chest, wide open and soft eyes and half humming, half singing a nursery rhyme, that’s the way the leader of the Sanctuary sat on the couch in the bright living room, bouncing Judith softly on his leg while she giggled enthusiastically.
Right now it was hard to picture this man, who acted so fatherly and kind in these very moments, with blood splatted over his leather jacket and his salt and pepper beard, laughing mockingly, an odd, terrifying and still jolly glance stuck in possessed looking eyes and a bloody baseball bat in his hand on whose barbed wires stuck bone, flesh and brain mush of two of your friends.
Still you forced yourself to, as you sat on the other couch, glancing at him and your younger sister while you tried to keep the new picture from growing too much on you as it let, much to your annoyance, a warmth grow in you.
But all the work of suppressing didn’t pay off as some new thoughts began to sneak into your mind.
Did he have a family before all this? Had he been a Dad and had bounced his own children on his leg like Judith right now before the world had gone south, had made him lose them and had turned a part of him into the person you had seen that night?
Or didn’t he ever have children but had wished to and it had for some reason never worked before the apocalypse had taken this chance once for all away from him?
Or maybe, he was just a damn psychopath playing games with you right in these seconds.
Cursing inwardly about yourself you leaned deeper into the soft beige fabric of the couch, gulping heavily as you tried to deny that there was something in you that felt drawn to whatever the hell was happening in front of your eyes.
“Loosened your bodice a bit, Sweetheart?”, Negan asked, suddenly with that signature grin on his lips even though there still was a good bit of the heartfelt smile left as he ripped you out of your trance.
Your glance shot at him, shocked by the sudden sound you had heard as a throaty laugh was filling the air.
“Just thought ‘cause…damn Baby, you were smiling at me and I hadn’t seen that yet”, he grinned, his hazel eyes were darting right into yours while you could feel some heat rushing into your cheeks, displaying the embarrassment that was running through your veins along with the anger about yourself.
“No need to blush”, Negan grinned, letting his tongue run over his lower lip, “Even though I really gotta say I fuckinglike that view.”
“Got some other shit for you on my mind that could make you fucking blush as well”, he grinned, winking at you while another throaty chuckle rumbled through his chest.
You were still perplex, trying to get yourself back in line as you clenched your jaw tightly and tried to get think of a comeback.
Instead you just narrowed your glance slightly, put the uninterested expression back on as well as you could right now while Negan was still grinning widely at you, now with his brows perked up.
“Oh I see whatcha trying to do”, he mumbled smirking, still lightly bouncing Judith on his leg, “But you can’t hide what was already fucking seen.”
You gulped, biting your inner cheek as you felt horribly insecure and exposed right in these moments, not able to fight back because you actually knew that he was right.
No matter how much you hated it.
As if he knew what you were thinking, he knowingly grinned and chuckled lightly as he slightly shook his head before he glanced back at the quietly giggling Judith.
“Maybe you should go tell your big sis that I’m not as much of a bad fella as she wants to think. May-fucking-be you should tell her that big ol’ Negan’s actually a damn fine man”, he chuckled right before you heard Judith giggling a little louder as her tiny and chubby hands reached out to Negan and made a soft grabbing motion.
“Yeah? Will you do that?”, Negan cooed, chuckling while the big smile made his dimples visible and let the pearly white teeth flash up.
You gulped, feeling how the warmth that was still lingering in you got joined by a whole other mix of different feelings which turned into a whirlwind of emotions inside you just as Judith giggles hushed as she quietly yawned.
Playfully, Negan widened his eyes as much as Judith widened her small mouth before she let herself drop down and slump right against him, without even finishing her yawn yet.
Her rosy cheek pressed flush against Negan’s chest as her chubby fingers softly grabbed the fabric of his white shirt and curled her hands into small fists to hold a little closer onto it as she let go of the yawn.
“After some nap? Alright”, Negan chuckled before he looked to his side, “But I think you forgot something fucking important.”
With that he grabbed the grey elephant that had been leaning against his side this whole time before he carefully pulled it over to Judith, whose eyes were lightening up by the sight of her favorite stuffed animal and whose hand was leaving Negan’s shirt for a moment to take the elephant into her small embrace.
“There we go”, he quietly chuckled, placing the plushy in her arm that was almost too big for her to hold.
Still, she did as she closed her eyes and some small curls fell into her relaxed face before the way Negan’s arms wrapped around the small body on his lap got your attention right back to him.
The grin was gone again as he kept her safely against his chest, one of his large hands moved up to cup the side of her small head while the heartfelt smile was fully taking its place again that forced you to throw the acting psychopath theory over board.
This right there, this was real and genuine.
And while he began to dandle her into a dovish slumber, you could feel how the smile began to grow on your face again, slowly but surely, until it had curled the corners of your lips up. And just as you realized what was happening again, what this whirlwind inside you was doing to you, a pair of hazel eyes darted right back up into yours and damned you to let this whirlwind rage wilder until, earlier or later, in weeks or in months, it would make you loose any control over it once for all.
“You’re gonna shower with me?”, Negan asked as soon as you glanced up as you saw into his widely grinning face and the roguish eyes that darted at you. After the problems with his wounds and the strong meds Siddiq had to put him through he was finally on the right path again, had instead of the thick bandage around his throat only a bandaid on to protect the cut, while his hand’s wound was as well only covered with a small bandaid as most of it was properly healed. You knew it would take a while for his neck to fully recover, the bandaid to vanish as well, but this little sign was already a step into the right direction. “If there’s next to you and that chair in the shower enough space, maybe”, you teased, nodding over to the wooden stool in the corner of the room Negan still needed to do something with his weakened body somewhere outside the patient’s bed. Even though the wounds had become better, he was still bated, every step was a small fight and walking completely without being propped by anybody was still something Siddiq didn’t want him to risk. “i’m damn sure we can make some room for ya”, he grinned, his tongue slid teasingly over his lower lip before you heard footsteps coming closer to the room.
“Hey, just wanted to let you know that you have to use the bathroom upstairs, the one with the bathtub…the shower downstairs has some problems with the pipes again”, Siddiq said with a huff as he leaned against the doorframe and glanced at the both of you, “And I don’t think they’ll have it fixed before tomorrow.” “Alright”, you mumbled, already trying to plan out in your head how the hell you could get Negan up the stairs. You could prop him while you were walking but even that got after a while with a man who was as tall as Negan tricky. “You need help? With the stairs?”, you heard Siddiq ask as a bit relief washed into you before the corner of your eyes already caught Negan’s glance. “Nah I’ll get up there”, he grumbled, while you realized that you should have known better. Negan was stubborn as hell and since the whole weakness of his otherwise strong body was scratching on his ego and nerves, you should have already known that he was at least gonna try to get up there himself. “Okay, I’m still here for a while so in case you change your mind or there’s a problem, just call”, Siddiq said, giving both of you a small smile before he walked back into the hallway and left you alone with a challenge that already seemed predestined to go wrong.
“You’re sure with this?”, you asked as you a little later found the both of you at the beginning of the stairs, your arm still slung around Negan’s back, trying to prop him as best as you could while the simple glance up at the stairs made you feel like you were standing at the foot of an unconquerable mountain. And with a quick and determined “Yeah” of his you were already on your way up the stairs.
Six steps, a bunch of strained breaths and several curses on both of your sides later you knew that Negan wasn’t gonna make it up these stairs only with you by his side. You could already feel him trembling, the only things that were keeping his body up were his determination, stubbornness and frustration and you knew that there wasn’t much time left until they would be defeated by the weakness of his still injured body. No matter how much he was trying to deny and fight it. Watching his movements warily you tightened the grip you had on his shirt, trying to give yourself the feeling that you could actually help him but instead you felt yourself growing more restless and nervous. Another tight breath left Negan’s lips as he raised one of his slightly shaking legs onto the next step, his brows puckered in exertion and his eyes staring down at the wooden stairs before you could feel him shifting beneath his touch as he tried to heft himself up. But instead of landing safely on the next step, his leg began to give in, letting him sink slightly in as a quick gasp left your lips. “Fucking, cuntshit”, Negan cursed through gritted teeth, breathing heavily as he was trying to get himself steady again. “I’ll call Siddiq”, you quickly said, already seeing in front of your inner eye how Negan laid even worse injured on the stiars. “No, I can do this shit alone”, he grumbled sternly back, his voice strained and filled with growing frustration “Negan, now’s not the damn time to play strong”, you tried to say as calm as you could even though you couldn’t keep some of your of restlessness of mixing into your voice. “I am fucking strong, I-” “I know…but your body isn’t working all the way you want it already”, you began, trying to get through to him as you saw him still staring sternly to the ground ,”And we don’t have to make this here even harder.” Negan let out another scoff, letting you wonder if he was going to listen to you or if he was gonna let his stubbornness and frustration win. And just a second later you had to witness that it was the latter as he tried once again to heave his own weight up the stairs just before you could see his knee buckling and sending him within a millisecond towards the stairs. “Negan”, you called out, panic mixing into your voice as you tried to slip one of his arms back around your shoulders while his other was the only thing that kept him from crashing completely against the stairs. “For fuck’s sake”, you cursed, feeling how the frustration began to grow in you as well while you knew that you couldn’t keep on doing this alone with him, if you wanted to get him somehow safely and without more wounds to the next floor. ”Siddiq?”, you called out as loud as you could, already hearing how Negan let out a few curses under his breath but right now, you couldn’t have regards for his pride. “Yeah?”, Sides voice sounded from one of the rooms though to you as a small burden already began to fall from your shoulders, even though Negan’s weight was beginning to press harder in on you. “Could you help us with the stairs?”, you called just as loud out again, a tight breath leaving your lips as you felt Negan growing once again restless before the sound of Siddiq’s ‘Sure’ washed a bunch of relief into your body.
”There we go”, you heard Siddiq say a bit later with a small, strained breath as he lowered Negan along with you onto the closed toilet seat. He was still staring to the ground, his brows puckered and his jaw clenching tightly as you let out a small sigh and looked up at Siddiq, away from the grown man who was pouting like a toddler who had just got his toy taken away. ”Alright, I’m just across the hallway, grabbing some meds but after that, I’m back at the walls, just so you know”, he said, giving you a quick nod before he already strolled back to the door. ”Okay, thank you”, you said, giving him a small, grateful smile as you leaned yourself against the sink and glimpsed for a short moment to Negan who just stubbornly pressed a small and quiet ‘thanks’ out, that made it seem like it took everything in him to form that small word. Almost as if it was a confirmation of his defeat. ”Anytime”, Siddiq said before he slipped out of the room, leaving you alone with a sullen Negan.
Sighing you pushed yourself away from the porcelain sink and crouched down to the small wooden walnut cabinet beneath it to go search for everything you needed to finally move along before you caught Negan growing once again restless as he shifted on the seat after a few more moments. Before you even realized it he caught your gaze for the first time since you had been at the stairs, his glance still stern and his jaw still tightly clenched while another deep sigh left your lips. You knew how frustrating that all had to be, but right now, you were stumped. ”How long do you wanna keep on being in a snit?”,you asked with a sigh, your voice softer than the words made it seem and still hopeful that this headstrong man would loose up again. “I needed to do this”, he growled sternly back, scoffing as his glance wandered off of you and let the frustration grow in you as well. “And catapult you right back into that sick-bed?”, it slipped almost snapping and sarcastically out of your lips, even though you damned yourself in the very moment they echoed through the bathroom, knowing that this wouldn’t get you anywhere with him in that kinda mood. “No”, he growled, shooting a glare at you before he let out a scoff through tight teeth ,”So I won’t fucking feel like a goddamn weak wuss anymore.” “You’re no weak wuss”, you said quickly back, trying to calm him down even though the glare and the simple tone in his voice began to scratch heavily on your nerves,that were from the fear about him on the stairs already a bit strained. “Oh really?”, he snapped loudly, suddenly looking back up to you as you could see the anger and frustration flaring up in his darkened eyes ,”Then why the fuck didn’t you just let me get up these damn fucking stairs?” “Because-” “Yeah, because you don’t think I’m fucking strong enough to make it”, he growled loudly, cutting you directly off as soon as your voice had trailed slightly off. Bewildered and even more stumped than before you just stared at him, shaking your head, trying to keep yourself calm as you were telling yourself that you were the one of the both of you who should keep a clear head, even though you began to have a hard time doing so. His glance trailed off of you just as you let a deep scoff out and let the doors of the cabinets fall shut with a loud thud. ”I’ll get some towels from downstairs”, you growled, huffing as you got yourself back on your feet and rushed towards the door.
You body was tensing when you got down the stairs, your footsteps echoing trough the air until you came to a stop in the next room. Just as your hands began to slid over the metallic shelves, searching for some towels, your glance snapped up as a loud thud from upstairs let your blood freeze within seconds. “Fuck! Motherfucking shitfuck!”, Negan’s booming and angered voice sounded all the way down to you as a tight breath left your lips and your mind began to figure out that he must have started another try to do something himself and had taken himself right to the ground again. “Fuck”, it called out again, his voice now filled with desperation along the anger,“I can’t even fucking get my ass inside this shit thing…I can’t fucking keep any-fucking-one fucking safe anymore I-” His voice trailed off and just as you heard him letting out a few more curses out you heard the sound of Siddiq’s footsteps coming down the stairs.
Your eyes were stuck to the door, a part of you asking yourself if you should go look after Negan to keep him from harming himself even more while another in you just told you not to, doubting that he would even let you help him and telling you that he just had to be alone right now. A shivering and tight breath fell from your lips as the door swung softly open, revealing Siddiq who was carrying a small box with bandages and whose glance darted at you the moment he stepped into the room. “Stay”, he said as soon as he saw the vacillation in your eyes ,”He’s just sitting on the bathroom floor, won’t change till he’s calmed down.” Quietly you gave him a small nod, a heavy gulp traveled down your throat as you couldn’t shut your concern completely out yet. “He’s not gonna get himself hurt”, Siddiq added as he placed the small box on one of the wooden counters, his voice firm but still soothing while he gave you a small uplifting smile. You just gave him another nod as you forced a small smile on your lips as well and moved along the shelves, trying to distract yourself by finally finding the towels while Siddiq began to rummage in some drawers. “Already guessed this was gonna happen earlier or later”, you heard Siddiq say as you turned around to him and saw him stopping as he looked up at you, “This break out”. “Don’t go too hard on him…that wasn’t personal, you know that, right?”, he quickly added, closing the drawer in front of him before he leaned himself against the counter. “Yeah”, you just quietly said, knowing that he was right even though the tension in your body didn’t want to vanish completely yet. “Happens to most people when their body’s longer weak and injured than they want”, Siddiq began again, beginning to sort the bandages of the box in to the drawer. “To some less, to others more, especially when they’ve been the opposite before”, he added, stopping for a moment as he looked up at you ,”And from what I could tell, he’s the latter.” You let out another small breath, slowly beginning to loose yourself up as you finally grabbed some white towels and glanced for a small moment towards the door. “I should wait a while, huh?”, you asked, looking back over to Siddiq as you already saw him slowly beginning to nod. “Yeah, just till he’s got a cool head again.”
As everything upstairs seemed to be completely calm again and a small while had passed you had used to calm down as well, you found yourself walking up the stairs again, the towels in your hand while you hoped that he was himself again by now. With a small, tight breath you made your way closer to the bathroom, your glance fixed at the door that was just off the latch before you let the tip of your foot push it open. Within the moment the door swung slightly open you caught Negan’s attention. He was sitting on the floor like Siddiq had said, just in his black boxers that were along with his clothes over the sink the evidence that he had at least been able to get out of them before his weak legs had forced him to the ground. His hair was slightly tousled, as if he had run his fingers in his anger and desperation through it, his breath was differently to before calm and let his chest rise and fall in a slow manner as his glance was darting at you, filled with suspense, guilt and even some insecurity. “You’ve calmed down?”, you asked as you leaned against the doorframe, trying to find a beginning with him as you saw him beginning to slowly nod while a harsh gulp traveled down his throat. “I’m sorry”, he said genuinely, looking back up at you as his eyes hushed over your face, trying to find out what you were thinking. Slowly nodding you pushed yourself away from the wooden doorframe, placed the towels on the closed toilet seat and climbed over Negan’s legs all while his slightly confused glance followed you. “What’s that gonna be?”, he asked, his voice softer than the words made it seem as you let yourself fall next to him. “Don’t know yet”, you mumbled, feeling how his warm body was leaning against your side while all you actually knew was that you wanted to settle this.
It got quiet for a few small moments while you could feel Negan growing more restless next to you until he rose his voice. “This shit’s eating my nerves up…and you just wanna help and I-”, he began, guilt and frustration filling his voice before it broke with a deep sigh off. “Siddiq just said that this stuff’s normal in situations like that…”, you mumbled, looking over at Negan as his eyes were darting to the ground ,”And he’s right” “Still shouldn’t have turned the asshole mode on”, Negan grumbled, as a scoff fell from his lips while his hand ran for a short moment over his salt and pepper stubble. “Yes… and I shouldn’t have snapped back…and should’ve turned my over caution a little down”, you mumbled, forcing a small smile on your lips you were beginning to get through to him. “You’re frustrated and I’m afraid, not the best stuff to work with…not to mention that we two are stubborn as hell”, you added, finally hearing a tiny chuckle leaving Negan’s lips as soon as he heard the last words leaving your mouth. The small smile on your lips began to grow at your first success before you saw Negan finally beginning to look over at you until his hazel eyes met yours. “Still wasn’t your damn fault and hell, you’re not too overcautious”, he mumbled before another small chuckle fell from his lips as he stroke over his jaw ,”Should see me if you were hurt” “I know, I’ve already had a small taste of that”, you responded with a chuckle, seeing how a bigger grin spread over Negan’s handsome features as a quiet but throaty laugh rumbled through his chest. It felt like a burden fell from your shoulders and let some lightheartedness stream through your veins as you slowly let your cheek rest against the warm skin of his shoulder just to feel how Negan began to lean his head against yours.
Almost unconsciously and completely naturally his hand found yours after a few small moments, his long fingers intertwined with yours before his large palm engulfed your hand and his thumb began to draw lazy circles over your skin. “Just wanna be able to keep you safe…feel like I can’t anymore”, you heard Negan reluctantly grumble against your skin, seemingly still having the urge to explain himself before you rose your head from his shoulder. “You still can”, you said, looking into his eyes as he rose his brows doubtfully. “It’s different”, you said, shrugging your shoulders slightly before you let another small smile slip onto your lips to give your words some more cogency,”but if you ask me, we’re doing pretty great at taking care of each other” Negan’s lips began to curl slightly up again, his eyes were still stuck to your face as your fingers found their way to the inside of his underarm and began to slowly trace over his skin while your other hand was still buried in his. “Especially when we’re sitting on the bathroom floor”, you added with a small chuckle as you let your head fall back on his shoulder and nuzzled your nose against his skin while the throaty chuckle that left Negan’s lips let it vibrate softly against your face. “In goddamn underwear”, he added, glancing down at himself before his laugh got muffled as he leaned in and pressed a small kiss onto your forehead.
The sound of the shutting front door let you slightly flinch up, indicating that Siddiq had left the house like he had told you and showing the both of you that you couldn’t sit forever on the tiles of the floor. “And now?”, Negan spelled it out as his head was still leaning against yours while his warm breath hit your skin. “You still gotta bath.” “Wow Sweetheart you’re really serving some charm up today”, Negan chuckled as he squeezed your hand slightly while you let out a small, chuckling groan. “Didn’t mean it this way”, you mumbled with a laugh, shoving his chest slightly as his throaty chuckle sounded once again through the bathroom. “Mhmm sure”, Negan mumbled teasingly as let out another small groan and felt Negan shifting slightly against you before he rose his voice again. "If you want…how about we get inside this damn thing? Together”, Negan asked just as his lips formed into a grin against your skin before you rose your head from his shoulder and looked up at him. “Don’t think we’ll get that kinda opportunity again any time soon so…”, Negan mumbled, the grin on his lips wide while he shrugged and rose his eyebrows in a teasing but overly and played innocent manner. The played innocence quickly hushed from his features as the wolfish glance filled his eyes up and some more roguishness washed into his grin while you let a small laugh out and watched him running his tongue slowly over his lower lip. Considering that you both were alone in the house and you could feel yourself longing for his closeness, you began to nod and saw his grin growing even wider.
The warm water was still flowing into the bath and mixed with the soap when you looked at Negan who was finally laying in the water, stretching his long legs out that had to the surprise of both of you more than enough room in the tub. “Come in”, you heard him say with a grin as he shifted with his back against the bath and opened his arms demonstrative for you while you began to peel yourself out of your clothes. Feeling Negan’s glance sticking onto you, you could feel some heat rising in your body and up into your cheeks until the last piece of clothing left your skin. “There we fucking go”, you heard Negan say, his throaty chuckle rumbling through his wet chest before he raised his hand to help you step inside the tub. Sliding your hand into his and finally feeling the warm water touching your feet you heard how low growls fell from Negan’s lips as soon as you turned around. Feeling how a small grin forced itself onto your lips you lowered your body until you let out a content sigh as soon as you could feel the water beginning to enclose you and felt how Negan’s arms wrapped around you to pull your back against his warm and wet chest.
“Fuck, this is good”, Negan mumbled with a pleasant sigh as soon as you laid comfortably with him in the tub, one of his arms securely wrapped around your waist, the other slung around your shoulders to keep you closely against him. Slowly, you moved one of your hands up until you could place it on his arm just as you leaned your face against his neck and nuzzled your nose into the warm skin beneath the bandaid. Softly pressing your lips against his neck you heard him growling contently, his arms tightened slightly while the warm water and the sensation of Negan’s bare body against yours let a warmth in your body grow Gradually, he loosened his hold on you for a moment just to move one of his hands into the tub to let them slowly begin to scoop some warm water over your body. “Gotta get you all nice and wet, huh?”, Negan mumbled with a grin as you quietly chuckled while his large hand slowly ran over your body and engulfed it in the warmth of the water and the one of his very own. The soft purling of the water mixed with the sound of the low growls that rumbled through Negan’s wet chest and let it vibrate softly against your back while you began to crave more of his touch. Slowly, you ran your hand up until your fingers could lace into his dark hair and ran softly and just the way you knew he liked it through his dark curls all while you could feel him beginning to relax beneath your touch as his head began to lean against yours and more of the content growls fell from his lips. Feeling how a smile began to grow on your lips you let your fingers slowly move out of his hair and let them trace over his glistening skin that was adorned by some of the soap bubbles that danced over his body. “Lean forwards”, Negan grumbled before you glanced questioning back to him. “Not that, not gonna push my dick into you…yet”, Negan chuckled throatily before he nodded towards you,”Just do it.” Quietly chuckling you leaned forwards, already hearing Negan’s low growls before his large hands placed on your shoulders before slowly running down your back. Gradually, Negan’s thumb slid along your spine, causing a content hum to fall from your lips while the rest of his large hands cupped your waist before they wandered south until they could firmly grip your hips and push you a little closer back to him. “Dont’t stop”, you mumbled quietly before you heard Negan’s chuckle as he gave your hips a small squeeze. “Didn’t quite catch that, Baby. Think you gotta speak up”, he chuckled as you let out a small groaning laugh. “Oh come on”, you complained playfully before you heard the purling of the water as Negan leaned closer in. “Hmm?”, he theatrically hummed, leaning in until his lips could brush over your skin and let his teeth tug teasingly on your skin that made you flinch slightly but long for his touch nonetheless. “Don’t stop”, you said just before you heard Negan’s chuckle once again. “Damn, now there we go!”, he called throatily laughing out before continuing his massage until he pulled you back into his embrace and against his warm and wet chest. Slowly, you felt him leaning in until his lips could press kisses on your shoulder while you felt his beard stubble chafing softly against your sensitive skin. “Oh I fucking know you like that”, he quietly chuckled against your warm skin as another hum left your lips before his lips traveled over your neck and formed a warm and damp trail along your skin. “And this here too”, Negan purred teasingly as you could him beginning to softly nibble on your sensitive skin while one of his large hands wandered over your side, letting his rough fingertips run up and down your skin and send small, intoxicating shivers through your body.
Slowly, and with each and every more kiss and touch of his you could feel the warmth in your body slowly streaming to your middle while the knowing grin Negan’s lips formed against your skin let you know that he was exactly noticing what he was beginning to form in you. A sudden thud downstairs made you flinch up as your eyes snapped open and stared at the closed door while you heard Negan’s throaty laugh. “Afraid we’re gonna get caught?”, he chuckled as you looked back at him and saw into his grinning face while his brows perked teasingly up while you let out a small breath. “Don’t fuckin’ worry”, Negan grinned as he squeezed your waist playfully ,”We’re all fucking alone in this damn house. Doc’s at the walls and no ones gonna come in here.” A chuckle tumbled through his chest as he glanced at you and slowly let his tongue slide over his lower lip, “And if there’s still some fucker paying a visit…their ears gonna have a fucking soundgasm from the hell of a show they’ll hear…and by the way…I got the kinda feeling that you secretly like the fucking risk of being caught.” “But not when those people are my old friends who hate you with all their gut”, you corrected him with a small grin, not able to stay serious as you heard his chuckle and felt his playful touch. “So you usually like that fucking idea?” You let out a small chuckling groan and nudged his side while his laugh rumbled through his chest as you leaned back against him while you heard his enthusiastic voice again, “Oh I fucking knew it!”
Within moments you could feel him all over you again, his hand trailing off from your side, slowly wandering towards your core while the grin on his lips grew with every bit he could feel your body aching more for his touch. Your body was already tensing in anticipation until you finally felt his long fingers teasing over your core, his thumb beginning to slowly draw circles over your clit as you exhaled softly and let your head fall back against his shoulder. Pressing yourself closer against him you could feel the way his body responded to your touch as well while he slowly began to slip his fingers closer to your core while his thumb continued to massage your sensitive nub. With no further warning Negan pushed two fingers into you, letting you gasp out as soon as he began to pump them slowly in and out of your aching heat, causing you to arch your back as a small moan fell from your lips. Feeling how his other hand ran up your body you began to shiver beneath his touch as it cupped your breasts and slowly began to fondle each of them while his fingers thrusted faster into you. Buckling your hips up to press yourself closer into his touch you heard Negan’s throaty chuckle just before he began to slow his thrusts down, “Want more, don’t ya?…Straddle my lap, Baby” His voice was low and purring and it just turned you more on as you got yourself to shift out of his embrace and tried to keep your body steady in the tub before you turned around, feeling yourself longing for him. Your breath hitched slightly as soon as your glance caught his thick length that was already rock hard, throbbing to slip into you but as soon as you straddled his lap and began to lower yourself you heard Negan’s teasing whistle and felt his strong hands grabbing your hips. “No, no not so fast”, he chuckled as your glance shot up to him as a throaty chuckle fell from his lips,”Damn, you’re eager as fuck.” Biting his lip he grinned widely before you could feel his hands gripping you a little tighter before his tongue ran teasingly slow over his lower lip. “Now I also can’t fucking wait to sink my dick into your tight pussy but I need you to come here first”, he purred as he lead you a little closer towards him while he sunk a little deeper into the water and made you realize what he was planing for you. With a wider smirk Negan licked over his lips, his glance beginning to darken as he glanced wolfishly up at you,“Want you to feel all good, Baby…so let Daddy take care of ya.” You could hear another purr rumbling through his body before you let out a gasp as soon as you felt his lips placing on your sweet spot, sucking and caressing it as he grabbed you harder and pressed you closer against him. Trying to keep yourself steady on your trembling legs, soft moans began to fall from your lips as you shut your eyes and concentrated on the wonders Negan’s tongue and lips did to you. Your fingers began to entangle in his dark curls as you shivered in pleasure, feeling every little flick of his tongue against your aching core before one of his hands let go of your hips and wandered along your inner thighs. All of sudden he pushed two fingers back into you, letting you moan out as he curled them inside your heat while a throaty chuckle fell from his lips. “Fuck, Baby. You’re soaking wet,”, he purred, pushing his fingers deeper into you as you trembled in pleasure,”That damn tub here’s nothing against you.”
With each thrust Negan turned you into a bigger mess, bringing you to your high until you were shivering breathlessly against him, your hands still buried in his hair while your trembling legs had problems to keep you up even as you slowly came back. “Hot damn”, you heard Negan mumble as he moved a little up and let you lower your body just as your eyes darted back at him, catching him looking widely grinning at you as his beard was glistening in your juices, just like his fingers as he lead them closer towards his lips. “Shit Baby, you taste fan-fucking-tastic”, he groaned quietly as he sucked your wetness off his fingers, his eyes still keeping your glance captured while the purr in his voice let another shiver run through you. Letting his hand move up to the back of your neck, he lead you closer to him until his lips could meet yours and let you taste yourself while deep growls rumbled through his chest as you ran your fingers over his skin and the dark, wet curls that clung onto it. “Think you’re fucking ready for me”, he purred against your lips as they stopped caressing yours for a moment and formed with a wide smirk against your skin. And even though your whole body yearned to feel him deeply inside you, another part of you longed to give him something back, even to show him that he definitely still was the man his muddled mind had thought he couldn’t be anymore. “Wait…it’s my turn”, you mumbled eventually against his warm lips before your eyes fluttered open and saw him cocking a brow curiously at you. “Damn, I’m some lucky ass fucker”, he quietly chuckled as he saw the heat rising in your cheeks before he bit his lip as you leaned in to press kisses along the throbbing vein on his neck. Slowly making your way down you still weren’t completely steady on your legs as Negan’s body tensed in lust until he chuckled throatily as soon as your glance fell on his large erection. “Intimidated, Baby?”, he asked teasingly, the wide grin sounding through his voice as your body was still shaky and a part of you was still overwhelmed by his size, even though the adrenaline in your body didn’t allow any more nervousness to arise. Moving your hand up, you wrapped it around the base of his throbbing length that was still surrounded by the warm water while you already heard a small gasp leaving Negan’s lips. Slowly, you began to pump your hand up and down his thick girth, gradually beginning to move it in a spiraling motion as soon as you heard Negan’s moans that began to turn louder. “Fuck”, he cussed through gritted teeth within the moment your lips wrapped around his swollen head and with that, Negan’s large hand buried in your hand as grabbed it tighter with every caress of yours. ”Your throat’s gonna turn into a fucking ski slope after al-…fucking fu-”, he growled, stopping as a moan pressed out of his lips and the fingertips of your other hand digged into his hip. Inwardly, you were grinning widely as you heard a few lustfilled whimpers leaving his lips as soon as your tongue swirled around his dick’s head and you were in control of this big and strong man’s pleasure. Glancing up at him he had his head fallen back against the white tiles, his eyes tightly shut and his mouth hanging open as deep moans left his lips while the vein on his neck was pulsing harshly. “Fuck…motherfu-”, Negan growled deeply, his curses cut off by heavy breaths and groans as you glanced back down, your hand kept moving up and down his pulsing shaft and your tongue began to massage the thick vein that boasted along his cock while your lips were wrapped around him. ”Baby…”, he breathed out, as soon as you were ready to take more of him as your head bobbed up and down his length, his tight grab on your hair tightened and your hand pumped his body faster. ”Look at me, fucking…fuck look at me”, he growled breathlessly as you glanced up at him, only to look into his in lust darkened eyes and half shut eyes that darted right at you, “Fuck…now that some fucking hell of a sight…”
After a while, you could feel him becoming more restless as more heavy breaths, growls and curses fell from his lips while his wide girth was keeping your mouth except for tiny breath breaks thoroughly in charge. “Play with my balls…fuck Baby…play with ‘em”, he growled out through gritted teeth as your fingers that had dug into his side were now moving down. Caressing his balls he cursed out and squirmed in pleasure beneath your touch as you could feel him becoming more and more shaky. ”Fuck-…you’re gonna make me fucking cu-”, he growled out, as you concentrated on caressing his sensitive dick head some more before he suddenly began to pull you away from his throbbing erection. ”Not yet…”, he grumbled, heavily breathing as you glanced up at him ,”Hell…I need you to…fuck, ride my dick, Baby. Ride my fucking dick.”
Completely breathless and feeling some soreness spreading out in your mouth and throat, he quickly pulled you up to him, soothing you with a deep and hungry kiss before one of his hands wandered to your hips. Feeling him digging his rough fingertips into your skin you flinched slightly up before his lips let go of yours, his other hand ran to his pulsing dick to keep himself steady. “There we fucking go, Baby”, he growled as his strong hand helped you to lower yourself closer towards him until a gasp left your lips as his hardness slid along your wetness until it pressed right against your sopping core.
A moan fell from your lips as soon as you felt him sinking into you, inch by inch until you reached his base and felt him completely filling you up and stretching you out. “Shit..you’re so fucking tight”, Negan growled out as his other hand ran to your ass, grabbing a handful firmly while his other began pull you harder down onto him. As soon as your hands had found their way to his broad shoulders and the pleasure of feeling him finally buried deeply inside you was streaming through your body, Negan began to guide you up and down his thick length. Moans and heavy breaths fell from both of your lips as he thrusted over and over again into your aching heat and the warm water that was surrounding both of your bodies gave your bodies a very own satisfaction. “Negan…fuck-”, you moaned breathily out as you let him sink deeply into your core, your fingernails digging into his heated and wet skin as your eyes fluttered in pleasure. “Fuck…now look at how fucking great your tight pussy swallows my big fucking dick”, Negan growled out, praising you as you glanced at him while his darkened eyes were watching his throbbing cock plowing in and out of your core. A breathy cry of pleasure left your lips as your glance wandered down at the both of you, seeing yourself how you swallowed him with every thrust while your body ached for more and more of him. “Fucking fuckity fuck…fuck!”, Negan growled loudly out as he jerked his hips up and into you as much as his body allowed him to, while your hands began to bury into his hair as he pulled you closer against him. Both of his large hands began to place on your ass before one firm slap on your heated skin made you rush harder down to him. “Fuck…”,you cursed out as your fingertips dug deeper into him, you could feel yourself becoming shakier before you could feel his lips capturing yours in a rough kiss, swallowing your moans as your hips meet in an intoxicating rhythm. Whimpering against his lips you felt his short dark curls rubbing against your sweet spot as he was repeatedly pounding his thick cock into you, leaving you shaking even harder as one of his hands found their way to your pulsing clit. Feeling him rubbing and massaging the sensitive flesh you began to swing in more ecstasy, as you shut your eyes and began to feel your legs quivering harder. Negan’s lips left yours, trailing down your neck before the harshness of one of his thrusts let him sink his teeth into the curve of your neck, letting you cry out in pleasure as the small stinging and the feeling of his sizable length deeply in you drove you almost crazy. “Shit…keep going…fucking keep going, Baby”, Negan growled against your skin as you tried to keep the movements of your hips steady while your body began to ache for a release of the high that was beginning to build with a higher force up.
Moans, heavy breaths, groans, the sound of the water and your wet skin slapping against each other filled the bathroom as you could feel Negan beginning to pound harder into you as he put more pressure on his fingers. “Open your fucking eyes…fucking…fuck, look at me when you fucking cum for me”, Negan growled as you opened your eyes and stared into his with lust darkened glance, feeling him slowly growing closer as well while you were only seconds away from your release. With one last hard and deep thrust of his throbbing length into your sopping heat you reached your high, pleasure washing through your body as your orgasm and Negan’s sizable dick that still pounded into you turned you into a trembling mess as he fucked you through your high. Mumbling his name you collapsed against him, feeling him wapping his arms around you as he began to thrust relentlessly and as much as his body allowed him to into you, while you breathlessly leaned in to kiss the sensitive and heated skin of his neck while your fingers were still buried in his dark locks. Hearing him growling in response to your touch and feeling him becoming shakier and sloppier, you felt his wet chest rising and falling in a fast pace against you while curses fell from his lips until his dick twitched deeply inside you. Feeling how he pulled himself out of your heat in the very last second his warm cum hit your trembling skin and spilled over your stomach, leaving both of you breathless and still swinging in the trance you had put each other in.
Cleaned up from his warm seed and still shaking slightly you found yourself laying in his arms a little later, the slight narrowness of the tub pressing you closer against one another while the warm water was still surrounding you as your head was resting on his wet chest and your fingers toyed softly with the dark curls that clung to his skin. “This day took a damn fine turn”, Negan grumbled with a soft chuckle against your skin as he pressed his lips on your forehead. Humming in approval you nuzzled your nose into his warm chest, closing your eyes for a short moment while his fingers traced over your wet and heated skin. A small but throaty chuckle fell from his lips as his hot breath hit your skin while he pulled you deeper into his embrace. “Got ourselves pretty damn dirty, huh?…Looks like we gotta try this whole shit all over again.”
Showered off and back in some new clothes you found yourself again in Negan’s patient’s room, digging out some blankets for the night while Negan laid in the bed, shifting slightly up into the pillows as he watched you. “Why don’t you get the one from last night?”, he asked with a small chuckle as he perked his brows up and looked at you. “Because I accidentally spilled coffee all over it this morning”, you mumbled reluctantly, before you shot Negan a warning but playful glance as he laughed throatily and already opened his mouth for another teasing remark. “Come on at least let me have that fun…you made me go down the stairs on my fucking ass, I deserve that”, he chuckled theatrically offended as you grabbed one of the blankets and walked closer over to his bed’s side. “Yeah so you would get into this bed here safe and sound”, you chuckled before you glanced at him, “Too bad I didn’t have a camera with me.” “You can be an asshole you know that?”, Negan throatily chuckled as he reached out to your wrist to pull you down next to him. “Maybe”, you quietly laughed, letting him wrap his arm around your hips before the sound of footsteps made you glance up. “(Y/N)”, you suddenly heard a familiar voice say you had expected as one of the least to come searching for you. Within moments Rick stood in the doorway, looking at you and Negan beside you while your surprised mind tried to read anything off of his face and his glance before he rose his voice again. “We need to talk.”
The sun was already standing high on the sky as its warm sun rays streamed into the room and made the sleep slowly loose its grasp on you. Your body still felt strained from the events at the Hilltop of the past day as you began to let your eyes flutter open and tried to suppress yesterday’s memories and to instead give the new day a chance to make it better. Slowly, you shifted closer against Negan’s warm body, feeling how he began to stir as a few small dozy growls rumbled through his chest and let it vibrate against your body. “Morning”, you drowsily mumbled just as you heard the quiet rattling of the cuffs that were boasting around his wrists since the last day and which got you right back to reality. ”Morning, Baby”, he mumbled just before a deep cough rumbled through his injured throat and cut him off just as you could feel his body tensing in pain against yours. You lifted your head out of the curve of Negan’s neck, glancing worried at him just as another cough let him grimace and flinch slightly up. “Fuck this”, he coughed out, clenching his jaw tightly as you let out an uneasy breath. “Shit, the wound really did get worse, huh?”, you mumbled, glancing at the white bandage that boasted around his neck as you remembered last night’s pain he had just shoved off and told you he was fine. “Nah, I ju-… fuck”, he began again, trying to do so again as another cough thwarted his plans and made him squirm as soon as the pain reached his neck and made you sit straight up, knowing that he wouldn’t make you stay this time. “I’ll go get Siddiq.”
Just a short while later you found yourself standing next to Negan’s bed again, hearing Siddiq’s uneasy sighs as he looked over the wound that was just as bad as you had feared it to be. Negan’s face twitched in pain anytime Siddiq’s tried to carefully clean the swollen cut that looked almost as dangerous as it had shortly after the events on the battlefield while his cuffed hands balled tightly into fists as he tried to keep the pain filled grunts in that would else cause even more pain. ”This isn’t working this way”, you heard Siddiq grumble as he cautiously tried to shift Negan’s head slightly up, trying to get him into a better angle for him to take care of his injury while he glanced stressed at the cuffs that made it harder for him to move his patient’s body. ”I’m right back”, he said after another few moments of unsuccessful tries before he gave you a quick nod and rushed over to another room just to come back a minute later, carrying a small silver key in his hands. A tiny bit of relief tried to sneak its way into the tension Negan’s pain had brought into your body as you hoped that the cuffs would at least leave his body for now. You shot a questioning glance over to Siddiq just as he let out a deep sigh, shrugged sightly and looked over at you. “I understand Rick but they don’t help me with his treatment…they’re constantly in the way when I’ll try to take care of the wound on his hand and now with this one as well”, he mumbled, nodding towards Negan’s neck before he shook his head slightly ,”Also don’t need to put a patient under more unnecessary stress, prisoner or not.” You just quietly nodded before you heard the small clinking of the unlocking cuffs, even though your relief about their absence was shrouded with the gloom of Negan’s hurting wound.
“Don’t know how this could have happened”, you heard Siddiq say with a scoff a bit later as you stood in the one of the other room of the infirmary, helping him sorting out the things he needed for Negan’s further treatment. Within a second a cold shudder ran over your back as your mind brought you suddenly back to yesterday’s morning and with that to the realization that you had been the last one to take care of his neck wound before it got infected. “I changed the bandage the last time”, you pressed gulping out, feeling the pressure and tension rising within you as Siddiq’s glance shot up before he quickly shook his head. “No, that’s not your fault. After you left I had to take it off of him again, just for another check up”, he added, already letting a small burden fall from your shoulders even though a certain tension was still poisoning your body,”Already used a stronger salve yesterday because it didn’t quite looked like it should after this amount of time.” Siddiq gulped heavily before he let out another sigh and looked back into the drawer to some salves and tablets just before he shook his head once again and rose his tensed but calm voice. “I didn’t want to directly take heavy measures since I didn’t want to pump him full of meds right again and stress his body more than it already is.” “And now?”, you asked, letting a small, tight breath fall from your lips as your glance wandered up until it caught Siddiq’s eyes. “We’ll have to switch to those meds, I don’t want to take any more chances when it comes to these wounds.”
“And now?”, you heard Negan say the very same words you had asked Siddiq before, forcing a small grin onto his lips as you got back into the room and sat down next to him. “Siddiq’s gonna give you some stronger meds”, you said with a small sigh as your glance wandered over the thick, white bandage. “Feels like I gotta treat that wound for the damn cuffs”, Negan grumbled, twitching slightly in pain as his voice rumbled a little too loud and heavy through his injured throat. “(Y/N), you’ll come over for a moment?”, Siddiq’s voice let your glance dart to the door where the doctor stood, leaning against the doorframe. Nodding you stood quickly up and followed him back into the main room of the infirmary.
With a small sigh he nodded to meds that were placed on one of the wooden counters, before his glance wandered back to you. “I’ve used them before on other patients, they’re pretty strong, but they’ll help the wound heal and numb the pain”, he said, running his hand through his dark hair before already beginning to grab them as he walked closer towards you. “He’s gonna be like dazzled for the first little while after they set in…after that they could make him jump from a bright high into an utter depth…just so you won’t be surprised”, he mumbled while you already knew by the sound of his voice in connection with these words that this what was about to come wouldn’t be easy for anyone of you. “I’ve seen all kinds of people grin in the one moment like a ceshire cat and in the other they were weeping from this stuff”, he sighed, looking down to the medicine in his hands ,”Strong curative powers sometimes demand strong side effects” “But if we got a bit luck he’s gonna sleep through the most of it”, he quickly added as he noticed your tensed and a little warily glance. “I’ll give them to him and then I’ll be outside for a bit, do you trust yourself to stay alone with him?” he asked, leaning himself against the wooden counters while he nodded over to his ready bag that stood the corner of the room before you gulped slightly. “I guess I can”, you said, letting your glance wander up at him even though there was still a little doubt swinging in you ,”I really don’t wanna keep you from your tasks.” “You don’t, this here’s my task too. Either way, if there’s something serious I don’t want you to hesitate. You’ll find me at the walls near the gate, okay?” he asked, making sure to capture your glance as if he wanted to assure that you were alright with anything that was waiting for you before you gave him a nod. “Okay, thanks.”
For the first while after Siddiq had given Negan the meds, things went as predicted, as soon as they seemed to set in, Negan began to get more drowsy than usual until he couldn’t fight the sleep anymore and let it drag him into its depths. For an hour and a half, maybe a bit more or less it stayed this way, he slept deeply, only grumbled here and there a bit in his sleep and had the same small and quiet growls rumbling through his chest like they always did in his sleep.
“(Y/N)?…Baby?”, you then suddenly heard Negan drowsily mumble as you stood by the window before his voice made you turn around and look with a small smile at him. “You’re awake”, you mumbled, strolling back over to the side of his bed as you could already see him grinning widely at you. “Hell yes, I am”, he grumbled with a smirk, the enthusiasm in his voice implying that he was right now at the high Siddiq had told you about but even though you knew that this could end faster than you liked, right now you were just glad that he was feeling as well as he could in his situation. “Feel like I could shoot cumloads like a fucking machine gun”, he mumbled with an even wider grin and as loud as his wound allowed him to just as his eyes widened slightly as he rose his voice again and tried to lift himself a little up,”And rip some dead assholes a new one in passing” “I’m sure you can but you gotta keep laying”, you quietly chuckled, as you placed your hand softly on his chest to guide him back against the mattress. “Alright”, he mumbled before the grin got back on his lips as his roguish glance captured yours, “You’ll come here?” “Yeah”, you said already seeing him trying to raise his arm a little to let you slip next to him. Carefully, you laid your head into the curve of his neck, trying to not come too close to his swollen wound beneath the bandage as you cuddled up to him and let out a content hum as soon as his warmth was beginning to take you in. “You know what I also feel like doing?”, you heard him ask with a wolfish undertone as he tried to slip his arm closer around you. “Tell m-” “Fucking”, it blustered throatily chuckling out of him, almost snickering before you could even end your sentence and realized that the meds hadn’t only boosted his happiness, they had done the very same thing with his horniness as well. “Y’know what you could do?”, you heard him ask in the next moment before you let out a little, chuckling sigh. “Well, I got a good guess but go on.” “That was a fucking great decision”, he chuckled enthusiastically before you could feel him pulling you with the strength he had left closer against his body. And as he then started to raise his voice, you already knew from the countless of dirty jokes he had told you since you knew him, how detailed and filled with his colorful language whatever was waiting for you would be.
“You know….you could suck with those great lips of yours on my fucking dick, swirl your tongue around that juicy fucking head…let me slip my cock deep down till I blow my cum into ya and turn your throat into a fucking ski slope”, he chuckled, the grin clearly audible as a small chuckle fell from your lips in response to the enthusiasm in his voice that was even drowning the purrs out that were rumbling through his chest just before he raised his voice again. “Or hell, you could ride my dick like you’re in the fucking Kentucky Derby…shit, that would be one hell of a fuck”, he chuckled happily as you buried your head a little deeper in his shirt as his meds infused dirty talk that was stuck with extreme enthusiasm was rather beginning to serve as an entertainment instead of a turn on.
“Ahh and your fuckin’ moans when you cum for me…fucking love them”, he snickered as he leaned his head against yours and pressed a quick kiss on your skin. “You know what I love just as fucking much as that?”, he grumbled against your skin while his voice began to turn a little softer. “What?”, you asked mumbling, already expecting yet another enthusiastic and dirty thought of his. “That shit you just did”, he mumbled, a smile forming against your skin before you lifted your head a little out of the curve of his neck and perked your brows in confusion up just as you saw his glance turning softer, even though the wide grin was still plastered over his lips. “That little sigh-…hum thingy you always do when you cuddle up to me…that’s fuckin great”, he mumbled, the grin turning more into a smile as you felt a just as wide smile beginning to grow on your lips, while a small, surprised breath left your lips. “What?”, Negan mumbled, still with the wide mix of a grin and smile on his lips as he cocked an eyebrow at you and laughed quietly, ”Too fucking cheesy for you?” “No, not at all”, you mumbled back, a small chuckle falling from your lips as your hand slid over his chest and ran up to his shoulder ,”Just a little surprised you noticed that – but in a great way.” “Well then-”, Negan began just before a cough rumbled roughly through his chest and up his throat while his face twitched in pain. “Ah shit”, Negan cursed as you looked worriedly at him while the aftershocks of the cough still let him shift uncomfortably. “I’ll get you some water”, you said as you already stood up but felt how Negan reached up as fast as he could to wrap his hand around your wrist. “No, stay”, he grumbled the grin still on his lips. “I’m right back”, you chuckled as you slipped your hand out of his grasp and made your way around the bed, already on you way towards the door as you turned around again ,”Just gotta take care that you and your throat are doing fine.” “Aww”, Negan exhaled theatrically before he chuckled and glanced just as enthusiastic as wolfish at you, before his tongue ran slowly over his lip while he glanced down to his crotch. ”You’re gonna take care of him too?”, Negan asked grinning, letting his hips jerk slightly up before he glanced back at you. “If you behave, maybe”, you chuckled and shook your head slightly about him before you gestured towards his neck,”And favor your throat a little, we can talk all day when its fine again.”
You were still softly chuckling when you made your way into the kitchen and began to get Negan a glass with water, already expecting him to bombard you with a bunch more dirty remarks but instead of that, you found him slumbering like a little baby. And it stayed this way for a while, which actually gave you a little relief and made you hope that his rest would give his throat the opportunity to let the swelling and its cause ebb away again. All until he woke up again, with the difference to the last time that he wasn’t the overly happy and extremely horny man from before anymore but instead usually quiet and here and there a little dazed by the sleep that was overcoming him just for a minute or two from time to time. And even though his silence and his dizziness made you worry a little you were glad that he at least wasn’t sinking into a low. Yet.
Shifting slightly on the chair next to the bed you adjusted your legs a bit that were still hooked casually over Negan’s while your hands were busy with sorting meds and salves into the box that rested on your lap. Negan’s fingers were slightly fumbling on some loose threads of your pants until you could feel I’m beginning to stop while his body slightly shuddered beneath you. Your glance wandered quickly up to him, catching him gulping heavily while he stared at the ceiling with clouded eyes as another shiver ran through his body as he uneasily breathed out. And there it was, the low you had feared.
“Hey…Negan, what’s wrong?”, you mumbled worriedly, swinging your legs from his and placing the box on the nightstand before you moved from your chair onto the mattress right next to him. A tremble shook slightly through his body as he gulped, turning his head a little towards you but still not daring to look you in the eyes. “I let her rot”, Negan chocked quietly but painfully out, and without hearing anything further you knew who he was talking about, just like you knew that this would become harder than you had expected. “I was a goddamn weak asshole”, he grumbled, scoffing as his clouded eyes met yours for a moment before they trailed off. “Negan, what-”, you began trying to find a way through to him before his eyes that began to fill with more tears glanced back at you. “I let someone else put her down…some fucking kid and then I fuckin’ ran…I”, he started, his breath becoming heavier as his jaw clenched in distress, “I just left her there.” A shivering breath left your lips as your hand placed softly on his chest, your thumb beginning to stroke soothingly over the fabric of his shirt while you grew inwardly restless, hoping that you would be able to calm him down. “I just left her to rot on that hospital floor”, Negan chocked quietly out, as he let out another tight breath while his lip quivered slightly as he tried to glance away from you. “Negan, hey”,you mumbled softly, trying to get his attention back at you to have a chance to soothe him,”You were probably in shock you-” “In shock for weeks?”, he asked, perking his brows up before they puckered as a lone tear was beginning to drop from the corner of his eye down his rough cheek. “I was in that area for fucking weeks and…”, he gulped, stopping for a moment as another pain filled shiver ran through him,”I didn’t get my ass to go back there and-” Stopping again you glanced at him, concerned and aching in the pain the sight of him in this distressed state brought into you. “And give her the fuckin’ burial she deserved…something I fucking owed her”, he said, his voice becoming louder before it broke off at the end of the sentence and more tears began to force their way towards release. “I’m a piece of shit”, he scoffed, not at all in self-pity but entirely in utter disgust towards himself while exactly this disgust made a painful twinge shoot through your body. “No you’re not”, you mumbled, trying to keep yourself calm even though you could feel your body tensing harshly ,”Don’t talk that way about yourself.” Negan sniffled slightly just before a scoff fell from his lips as his teared up eyes darted right back at you. “Why the fuck not? That’s nothing but the goddamn truth.”
And with those sentence that shot another sting through your body, you realized again that you had to help him through these deep rooted fears and regrets the meds had let rise with an unbearable force and without any filter to the surface. You found yourself beginning to grasp out anything you already knew about his past, especially the things he had told you in one specific night in which the regrets had almost eaten him up as well. And with that, also the things he had done well, the things that had made you actually grow unconsciously closer to him as they had shown you that besides his mistakes, he had realized and learned from them and had tried his best to make them up. He had stood right by the side of his wife till the very end, had helped her through her entire sickness and hadn’t left her side until she had stopped breathing no matter who had tried to force him to leave, all while the world outside the hospital had fallen apart. And right there was the next thing you laced into your tries to soothe him. The mix of grief and the unknown of an destroyed world. Let alone grief let people do things they didn’t even want to do, let them make decisions that weren’t right, if there even was a right or wrong in those situations. And this was exactly the thing that had made him run away. You had seen that happen to a lot people, good people who would have almost fallen apart through grief and who had acted out in this painful distress. Even you were certain that if you wouldn’t have had anybody with you when you went through the loss of your family, you would have turned into something you didn’t even want to imagine, especially at the beginning of a world that was ruled by the dead. And that was the point, Negan had been hurting and grieving, had been completely alone with no one to be by his side in the worst time, and all that while he had to try to survive in a world he didn’t even know, with walking corpses around every corner that wanted to tear the flesh off his bones. Running away hadn’t been the right thing to do, and you knew where his regrets were coming from, but you also knew that those mistakes were not born through spite or malice but simply through pure grief and pain. After all, they were humane.
So you found yourself laying on your side next to him in the bed, his still trembling arm slung around you while you were propped on your elbow to have a look at him while one of your hand ran still softly over his chest. “Ya know what?”, you heard Negan mumble as his still clouded eyes captured yours ,”I’ve already had one chance and I fucked it up…” “You…”, he muttered, trailing off before he seemed to rally himself as his glance stayed fixed on your worried one ,”You’re my second chance…you’re my second chance to be happy with someone and I’m already on my way to fucking destroy it too.” “You’re not on your way to destroy it, Negan”, you said back as soon as his voice had hushed, not only to calm him down but also because you saw this as the utter truth. Negan quietly gulped as his glance wandered over your face before you huddled a little closer up to him. Moving your hand slowly up you smoothed his dark hair back, watching him close his clouded eyes for a small moment as he leaned into your soothing touch . “I’m lucky to have you, you know that?”, you quietly mumbled, as you let a small, uplifting smile grow on your lips. And just as you began to grasp some hope, another shivering breath fell from Negan’s lips before he clenched his jaw tightly. “Why the fuck should you be lucky to have me?”, he asked, his brows puckering tightly as this question made it feel like something broke in you. If the meds hadn’t fully captured him, if he hadn’t been this stuck in his fears and regrets there would have still been the part of him joking around and making a dirty comment, but instead of that his eyes were fixed on you, completely serious and filled with genuine sorrow and distress. “I bring you nothing but pain and stress”, he growled out, the anguish mixing with the same disgust you had heard before and right now as by the way he was looking at you you could tell that he meant every single word he had just said “That’s not true, not at all”, you mumbled, feeling how a lump began to slowly grow in your throat as the way he was seeing himself began to turn into a painful torture for you too. Tensely and worried you looked at him, with your fingers still caressing softly through his hair as you realized that just saying that this wasn’t the truth wouldn’t do it.
“Alright…buckle up because this about to get sappy”, you mumbled with a soft chuckle as you tried to loose the situation a little up while you huddled closer against him. Taking a deep breath you looked at him, gulping slightly as you hoped that you would be able to calm him down and knew that lifting the lid to your feelings and putting them into words wasn’t by far as easy as it might seem to one. But then, as you saw Negan growing unsteady and restless again, the words just began to flow out. The simple fact that you had your insecurities too, had some moments in which you asked yourself why he wanted you or what he saw in you. But whenever those damn thoughts tried to sneak up, he was right there, making you feel like you were truly the most desired woman. He made you feel great, no matter if he did it with his very own way, with some of his very special remarks or just some glances and the way he acted around you. He made you feel comfortable, that much that you had learned to cry again in front of someone without any shame, without feeling like you had to hide it to not seem weak. You could simply let your guards down when you were with him which meant in this kind of world even more than it had already before. And no matter if he realized it or not, this big bad wolf who could be at the very same time the biggest goofball with a dirty mind and a very own sense of humor that managed to make you laugh till your stomach hurt, had developed to be your crutch and calm anchor as much as you were it for him.
”Wasn’t glad for no reason to just be able to lay down next to you after all the stuff that happened yesterday”, you mumbled with a small, uplifting smile as you glanced at Negan who had begun to calm down and whose eyes had stayed like glued on you since you had begun to talk and which had stayed this way no matter how often you had trailed off to find the right words. “I’m lucky to have you. Believe me that”, you added, letting your fingertips caress through his dark hair just the way you knew he liked it,”Alright?” For another short moment Negan stayed quiet, his glance wandering off of you for seconds before he began to nod as he glanced back at you, “Alright.” Finally, the corners of his lips curled slightly up and even though it was just this small and you knew that the meds still had a strong grasp on him, you were glad for the moment. “And now we’ll sleep some more, okay?”, you asked, moving closer in to him as your fingers still massaged his scalp soothingly and your lips pressed a small kiss on his forehead before you rested your head against his. You could feel him nodding slightly before he moved a bit in to lean his head closer against you and you finally heard the familiar content growls rumbling quietly through his chest. Still a little tensed and hoping that he would fall asleep before the meds would let the next shock shake through him you cuddled closer, nuzzled your nose into his dark curls and didn’t stop to caress him until you were sure that he was swinging in a deep sleep.
The next days got better, Siddiq began to use milder meds as the strong ones that had put you both through a roller coaster of emotions had at least done their job. And with that, the mood swings began to get better as well, he began to be less dazzled and dozy and the tension and concern that had been stuck in your body had been taken by the relief about his growing well being.
The sun was standing high at the sky when you were rummaging through the drawers of the infirmary’s cabinets, collecting and sorting out things Siddiq needed which had become somehow part of your job since you were spending most of the time in this house and needed something to fill your time with. Next to that, Siddiq taught you here and there a few small things and it felt good to be a help, no matter how small it was and somehow it at least gave you the feeling that you might be able to become part of this all again.
You were just done with getting some salves and bandages ready for Siddiq when you strolled back into Negan’s patient room, catching him glancing at you with still sleepy eyes before he tried to shift himself a little up into the pillows to get a better look at you.
“Talked a lot while I had that shit runnin’ through my veins, huh?”, he suddenly mumbled as you were on your way around this bet as you got slower, not sure by the sound of his voice of what would follow this question. “Hmm”, you just mumbled back, nodding slightly before you threw a pillow on the wooden chair next to his bed. “Still meant a lot of the crap I said”, he continued, capturing your glance as you let yourself fall on the stool while your eyes wandered over his face as he clenched his jaw slightly. “And I don’t only mean the fucking stuff”, he said, a chuckle falling from his lips that should obviously serve as a way to loose himself up before you could see him tensing slightly as he glanced for a small moment away from you. “Now I’m not as well with this sappy stuff as I am when I got some damn meds fucking with me but that shit with you being my second chance-”, he began, gulping as his eyes caught yours again, “I meant that too.” You gave him a smile, seeing how he visibly began to loose up. “I meant what I said too…all of it”, you mumbled, leaning against he bed as you looked at him,”That wasn’t only to soothe you.” Negan’s lips began to curl up as the tension seemed to wash completely out of his body and his large hand reached out to yours to fumble on his tiny bracelet for you that was still dangling around your wrist. Slowly, Negan’s tongue slid over his lower lip, before a grin began to grow on his lips as he looked with a wolfish but still roguish and playfully teasing glance up at you. “By the way, you look hot as fuck today”, he grinned, taking up that one part of what you had told him, as you began to chuckle and playfully shoved his chest. “Seriously!”, he called out, throatily chuckling as he bit his lip and smirked at you. “That fucking hot that I could cum on fucking command in these damn sweatpants”, he chuckled, winking at you as he grinned wider. “Sure”, you chuckled, leaning in to peck his lips before you felt his throaty chuckle letting his lips vibrate against yours. “Wanna give it a try?”