“Ten fucking minutes left!”, Negan called out as he dashed through the bedroom, his eyes gleaming excitedly up as he grabbed your wrist and pulled you up from the black leather couch. “Follow me Baby, ‘cause I got a surprise!”, he chuckled as he bit his lip with a grin and dragged you away. “Hell, Negan, where are we going?”, you asked as he quickly grabbed Lucille, swung her on his shoulder and opened the heavy wooden door of the apartment hastily. “As I said, it’s a damn surprise so don’t make me fucking ruin it for you”, he chuckled as the door fell shut behind you and he pulled you with him through the hallways of the Sanctuary until you got to the stairs that let up to the roof. His large hand wandered from your wrist to your hand as he let his fingers entangle with yours while he stumped the stairs just as excitedly as before up.
Just seconds later you found yourself standing in front of a bunch of massive fire crackers, ready to be fired and shot into the night sky, next to them a small provisional clock that was counting down, a gas lamp and eventually an amused Negan who was grinning widely at you. “Simon found this shit on a damn run and boom! Here we are”, he chuckled as he leaned slightly back, his glance filled with the joy of a kid who had just gotten a new toy to play with. “And no worries. My men got that shit with the dead fucks covered”, he said as he walked towards you. “Come here”, he mumbled before he pulled you into his arms as they wrapped tightly around you and pulled you close. “Last minute’s going. Get ready”, he said as he looked at the clock before he glanced with a smirk back to you. Your arms wrapped around his torso as you cuddled closer into his warm chest that was being the best heater in this cold December night and leaned your head against his neck before you heard his voice counting down. “Ten – Nine – Eight – Seven – Six – Five – Four – Three – Two- One -” And with that you felt his warm lips on yours as he pulled you into a deep and smoldering kiss that managed to get your knees weak, while small hums and growls rubbled through his chest. “Happy New fucking Year, Baby”, he muttered against your lips, your eyes still closed before you slowly opened them and looked into his happy face. “Happy New Year”, you mumbled as you pecked his lips and felt him leaning his forehead against yours for a moment while a deep content hum left his lips.
“Alright, first one”, Negan called out moments later as he had let go of you and his lips had curled back into the wide grin while he was stumping towards the first smaller tube like fire cracker that was securely placed on the ground. “You ready?”, he asked as he looked with a smirk back to you. “Of course”, you chuckled before he leaned down, enlightened the fuse and quickly jogged back to you just as a tall spray alike flame in form of thousands of small glittery sparks bursted out of the tube. “Ho-ly shit! Now look at that damn fucker! Small as hell but cums like a big one!”, Negan called out as he pulled you closer to him, happy laughs erupting his and also your body while you watched the flame bursting higher until it slowly burned out. A small cold shudder ran over your back as Negan’s warmth left your side to grab the lighter from the ground for the next firecracker. “Ah shit, wait”, you heard him say as soon as his glance had caught the tremble that shook through your body. Quickly, his leather jacket slid from his body before he grabbed it and walked closer. “Leave it on. Negan, you’re gonna freeze”, you said as you nodded to the plain white shirt he was just wearing underneath while he shrugged his shoulders. “Well shit, then my ass gotta have to freeze”, he said with a small chuckle before you gave in and slid your arms through the warm leather sleeves. “Hell, now you’d just need to wear no fucking thing underneath”, Negan mumbled with a wide smirk and a throaty chuckle as his eyes roamed over you. Letting out a laugh as you slightly shoved his chest you nodded back to the fire crackers. “Maybe later but now it’s my turn”, you chuckled as you took the lighter out of Negan’s hand and walked towards a bunch connected rockets. Quickly, you enlightened the fuse before you stepped back again and rushed to Negan’s side while the first firecracker painted the night sky in a bright red. Just as Negan’s arms wrapped back around you, the next rocket let the sparks switch from red to light blue while you leaned against him and stared up into the sky that painted into more and more beautiful colors with every moment. “That was a great surprise”, you mumbled as you leaned slightly up to peck his lips. His warm lips placed on yours again while you heard another rocket shooting up before you felt his lips forming into a wide smirk against yours. “Well, Baby got some good news for you, ‘cause there’s another rock hard surprise just waiting for you in my damn pants.”
• Him looking the first time forward to Christmas again since the apocalypse started, simply because he knows he’s going to spend this time with you
• Him using every single opportunity to get you under a mistletoe to tease you about how disrespectful it would be if you would ignore that tradition so he can steal a longing kiss from you
• For Christmas eve, him planning far ahead everything in detail, so he can spend this night only with you while being sure that no one’s gonna disturb you once you’re alone
• Him sending his men out to get a Christmas tree, decoration and literally anything else that is somehow Christmas related
• For your gift, him searching through the whole Sanctuary before going on a run himself to search for something special and something he truly knows about that you’re gonna love it
• You being able to persuade him to take less from other communities at least at Christmas time
• Him joking how good Lucille would look with Christmas lights wrapped around her before you actually get him a string of lights as a joke only to have a widely smiling and truly amused Negan walking with an in Christmas light wrapped Lucille around in your room
• During the whole holiday season, him teasing you with Christmas related remarks, while asking you if you’ve been naughty or nice or if you wanna taste his candy cane are just a few examples
• Before giving you your gift, him first messing around, telling you he’s got his dick wrapped up with a ribbon for you as a present before giving you his actual gift while whispering in your ear that you can still, of course, have his dick as an extra present
• Him being entirely happy as he sees how your eyes light up once you have unpacked your gift and eventually hug him tightly, only for him to pull you even closer as a wide smile is planted all over his face
• Him acting around as nervous as a child when it comes to his gift, all while trying to guess what it is until he can finally unpack it
• Spending the whole rest of the night cuddled up, wrapped in a thick, warm blanket, drinking hot chocolate or his favorite scotch while just enjoying that you are able to spend this time, especially in the world you’re living in, with the person you love
• As you both already begin to drift off into a deep sleep him pulling you even closer and whispering with a smirk in your ear that he’s so gonna give his extra gift to you on Christmas morning
The Christmas lights of the tree were letting a soft light stream through the room as you were placing your present for Negan beneath the thick branches. Your glance fell for a short moment onto the gift box that was filled with a bottle of his favorite Scotch and the pair of leather gloves you had found on a run for him, since his old ones were already torn up and the damaged seams on their sides seemed pretty much irreparable. And judging from the softness of the black leather that should perfectly fit his hands, they had probably costed a big bunch of money before all of this. But the gloves weren’t the only thing you had for him. The thing that was way more important was the small sonogram picture that showed everything Negan and you had wished for.
You both had tried for a good while, had already held a bunch of negative pregnancy tests in your hands so till you took the latest one, you had waited. You had just wanted to be sure, keep yourself and Negan from experiencing another disappointment and keep yourself from having to see the sad look in his eyes when he stared at the single line on the test. So when you had taken the last one, you hadn’t just been pretty late, something had already felt different as well. You hadn’t known what it exactly was but in the end this feeling had been right. You were pregnant.
So now you were holding the small black and white picture in your hand, ready to place it in the small gift box. The original reason why you had let Carson perform the ultrasound scan on you had simply been that you wanted to be completely sure before telling Negan but now, with Christmas right around the corner this scan had given you another great opportunity. A warm feeling spread through your body as your hand rested on your belly and your glance wandered over the sonogram picture. Even though all that could be discerned on the picture so far was a small, light, elongated spot in-between the dark circle, your heart began to pump like crazy while a giant smile painted on your lips every single time your glance brushed over the picture’s surface. That was your baby.
Lowering the lid of the box, you slowly saw the picture vanishing beneath it before your fingers began to lace a bowtie around the small edges just as the thud of the heavy wooden door let you flinch up. “Oh shit, did I just catch someone fucking red-handed?”, Negan asked with a throaty chuckle as you turned around to him, hiding the box behind your back. “I did”, Negan stated with another laugh as he saw the way you stared at him. Widely grinning he walked closer, before he leaned to the side to catch the small box behind your back “Now what do we have there?”, Negan asked as he raised his brows curiously. “It’s-uh-just a little extra”, you mumbled as Negan stepped closer until not more than an inch fit between the both of you. “Well, when It’s just a little extra I’m damn sure you could give me a hint what the hell you got in there”, he mumbled with a big grin while his tongue slid slowly over his lower lip. “No”, you said, a small grin planting on your lips as well as you tried to relax. “Let me at least guess”, he said as he bit his lips and placed one of his large hands on your waist. “Uh-uh”, you muttered, shaking your head with another small grin while Negan groaned theatrically. “Come on”, he pleading urged with a laugh as you shook your head again. A sigh left Negan’s lips before the grin on them grew wider as he leaned in. Before you could do anything else his hands kept a firm grab on your waist as his lips began to tease over the sensitive flesh of your neck. “No, that’s not fair”, you groaned with a laugh in protest, as Negan’s lips placed more kisses over your neck while one of your hands placed on his chest, trying to push him softly away. “Oh I know”, he mumbled against your skin as he pulled you closer, before a small huff left your lips. “Alright, then go on. Three tries, not more”, you muttered, knowing too well that he wouldn’t ever guess what you were hiding. Negan backed away from you as he eyed the small size of the box and bit his lip once again. “Alright, first one…you got some hot-ass panties in there which you are gonna put on for me tonight”, he guessed as one of his hands pointed teasingly up to you while the smirk on his lips grew wider. “No”, you said, watching the smirk on his face fade. “Some-”, he began before a knock on the door distracted him. “Simon, I said no fucking interruptions anymore”, Negan scoffed as you saw the door opening. “The men got the shit to the kitchen you wanted to have, just wanted to let you know”, Simon said with a huff as he leaned against the door before he scratched the back of his head. “Well, everything except for the bread”, he said as he grimaced while you already heard Negan letting out a deep scoff. “Can’t those fuckers get some shit right for fucking once?”, Negan rhetorically asked with a huff before he let the palm of his hand run over his stubble and looked back to Simon. “Either way, I’ll handle that…go on ahead”, Negan said scoffing and with a quick finger movement that let Simon close the door again. “Alright gotta get shit done but after that, no single fucker’s gonna disturb us anymore”, Negan said with a grin before he leaned in to peck your lips. “Only good thing is that this crap’s gonna keep me from thinking about that fucking extra gift…you sure that there are no cute-ass panties inside?”, he teased mumbling against your lips before you shoved his chest with a laugh. “Very sure”, you said with another chuckle before you felt his warm lips placing on yours again and the urge to finally tell him that you were about to be parents just grew with every single second, even after Negan let go of you and made his way to prepare your dinner.
“Fuck, this is good”, Negan groaned delightfully as he shoved another spoon of the chocolate mousse you both had for dessert in his mouth. The basket with the bread that had been completely filled was already looking blanker and your both plates that had been filled with a bunch of delicious foods were empty by now and while all that had changed over the evening, the one thing had stayed the same. The small box laid still at the same spot on your lap and just waited for the right moment. Your fingers were nervously running over the box’s edges as you watched how Negan set the now empty small bowl down and wiped the chocolate mousse with his finger quickly from his beard stubble. You gulped, knowing that you couldn’t wait much longer anymore before you gave yourself a push, grabbed the box and laid it on the table. Negan’s brows raised curiously but before he could say a thing you opened your mouth. “So…uhm…‘cause it’s my extra gift I thought I could already give it to you”, you said with a small smile as you slowly shoved the small box over to him, “So I finally get to see what the hell you hid in there? Now that’s a damn fucking honor”, he chuckled as he dramatically placed a hand on his chest. “That shit’s been tickling my balls the whole damn day”, he added with another chuckle as he grabbed the small box. You gulped nervously but with a smile across your face as you watched him unknotting the red bowtie. A big amused smirk was still laying on his lips while your heart pumped heavily and your breath stopped for short moment as he lifted the lid and revealed the sonogram picture. His brows puckered for a moment and the smirk changed before his mouth dropped slightly open as he slowly seemed to get what this picture meant. “I’m pregnant”, you spelled it out to give his mind the last push before he turned even more big-eyed as he looked up to you. “You’re gonna be a Dad”, you mumbled with a big smile as the happiness over-toned the astonishment on Negan’s face. “Holy-”, he began but stopped, still somehow not believing what was happening right there as he stood up, still taken aback before he stumbled over to you. You had just lifted yourself from your seat as you felt Negan’s strong arms wrapping tightly around you, pulling you as close as they could against his chest, before you felt one of his hands burying into your hair, keeping your head deeply in the curve of his neck. His chest was rising and falling at a fast pace, just as his breath that repeatedly hit your skin while you could swear to be able to feel the intense way his heart was pounding against his chest.
For moments you stayed just like that before Negan’s arms slightly loosened as he backed away, some tears of joy watering his eyes as his lips seemed to form into a wider smile with every second. “We’re…fuck, we’re gonna have a baby”, he mumbled happily but still astonished as you nodded with a wide smile. Leaning back in, one of his hands cupped the back of your neck and pulled you into a deep, longing kiss while his other slowly and carefully began to place on your belly. First you felt just his fingers, then his warm palm before his thumb began to slowly stroke in small circles over your stomach. Slowly, more and more warmth streamed through your body before his lips let go of yours and his still with joy filled glance wandered from your face to the place where his hand rested. Your palms were still resting on his chest as he dropped on your chair, your hands wandering to his shoulders and neck as his hands placed on your hips. Carefully, he reached out to pull your top a bit up, his glance still focused on your belly as he pulled you closer, wrapped his arms around your hips and leaned his head against your stomach. His beard stubble tickled your skin as he let out a content sigh, the big smile that was just as bright as yours was still planted all over his face as he turned his head to place a kiss on your belly. “Hey kiddo, here’s Daddy”, Negan murmured against your skin with a small, happy chuckle while your hand ran slowly through his dark hair and caressed his neck. His nose nestled back against your skin with a content hum, the smile that was formed on his lips began to be clearly palpable against your belly while his warm breath hit your skin repeatedly.
So if you wanted to say it with Negan’s words, the ones he seemed to have mostly lost to the joy that was filling him up right now, you both were right in these moments the most happiest fuckers this motherfucking asshole of a world had to offer.
Sun beams enlightened hazel eyes, letting them light up in their warm tone, enhancing each of their features and the flow of their colors as they always did around this time in the morning, when the light intensified and streamed through the metal bars on the cell’s windows. But there was a difference to those other mornings, one that still had the ability to let an ice-cold shudder run down your spine. Those eyes were just as captivating as always but at the same time the glance stuck in them displayed each moment that had happened last evening and the following night. They were still slightly reddened, the rings beneath them dark and the rest of his features still coined by the tears that had flown over them in the last night. They were dried by now, just like the blood on his forehead wound that still looked as horrific as last night, despite your tries to take care of it. Part of you still didn’t want to believe it, even though you deep down knew that everything about this was true, every single bit. And just as much as you knew this, you knew that you had to find a way to help him out of this pit of darkness he seemed to have fallen into.
A small sigh left your lips as you felt his hand cupping yours a little tighter, letting his fingers intertwine with yours a little more as you shifted closer against him. The first hard part of this morning laid behind you, the first careful attempts to talk to him properly, not just about Michonne’s conversation with him and that what had followed, but also the reason she had decided to visit him. A tiny bit of this talk seemed to have already paid off as you glanced for a moment at his breakfast that was gone by now, leaving only a few bread crumbs on the white plate beside the bed behind. It was just a tiny step, but at the same time it felt like a big and mighty one. You still weren’t sure how often he had done this to himself, how often his skull had met the cold stone and the agony just thinking about it just like the fear of triggering something in him hindered you from asking further. ”It’s almost time for your shift…you should call the guard down”, Negan mumbled with a heavy gulp, even though you could tell he was trying his best to keep his voice firm. ”I don-” ”No, you won’t stay here for me and get yourself into trouble, not gonna happen”, he cut you off, pushing the thought about staying with him that had ghosted through your head away before it could fully unfold. ”Siddiq would understand…I’m sure of that…if you feel like you need me here with you, I’ll stay”, you said, your voice soothing as you glanced at him and caught him gulping heavily as his eyes wandered over the gray cement ground. ”Still, you’d get some kinda problems for fuckin’ sure…I’ll be fine…as long as I can have you back in that bed here tonight I’ll be fine”, he said after a couple of silent moments, squeezing your hand lightly as he glanced up and forced a weak smile onto his lips. You still looked at him with doubt, feeling like you didn’t want to leave him alone right now even though his words began to push you slowly into a different direction. ”I’ll be fine, Baby”, he mumbled once again as gulped, “I…I won’t do it again.” His voice was quiet even though he tried to put firmness into it as he grasped your hand tighter and glanced for a moment at you. You wanted to say something, put all those thoughts that were swirling through your head into sentences but instead you leaned in and reached with your free hand up to cup the side of his jaw, softly caressing it before you slowly leaned in. Your forehead rested against his, careful to not hurt his wound as you closed your eyes for a moment and let your fingertips toy softly with his thick beard. You could feel him moving a little until his hot breath was brushing over your lips before they eventually captured yours, gently even though some small, needy growls still rumbled though his chest and vibrated against your skin as his warmth took you in. ”I love you..so damn much. You know that, right?”, you softly mumbled as your lips parted again, feeling like he needed to hear those words more than ever before. ”Yeah…I love you too, Sweetheart”, he rasped quietly, pulling you into his embrace until your face could bury into the curve of his neck and his arms could wrap tightly around your figure, allowing him to lean his head against yours and softly nuzzle his nose into your hair. You could feel yourself melting into his hug just as much as he melted against your body, cradling you and keeping you deeply in his embrace as you closed your eyes for a moment, knowing that you had to leave this moment of comfort, earlier or later.
The walk to the infirmary was harder than ever, feeling bad conscience poking you with each step you took even though part of you knew that there was no way Negan would have let you risk just getting an ounce of trouble for neglecting your shifts for him. Still, your thoughts were cycling around him, around the self-inflicted wound on his forehead, the horror that must still linger inside him and around the fact that he was alone again, alone with that horror. But instead of being able to get back into the cell with him and make sure his demons weren’t flaring up again, you found yourself at the end of the endless seeming path to the infirmary as you shoved your jacket off and tried to get rid of a bit of the tension right along with it. You could feel Siddiq’s eyes wandering over you, his brows furrowing slightly as you could tell that your first tries of loosing up were more than unsuccessful. ”Everything okay?”, he mumbled as he leaned himself against the kitchen counter, still eyeing you as if it would give him answers.– ”Yeah I just-”, you began, stopping as you felt your throat tightening and thoughts of last night washed up again. “Can you take a look at Negan?”, you reluctantly mumbled after a few silent seconds, feeling the fear creeping up in you again that his wound might be worse than it looked, that he could have hurt himself more than you thought. “What’s the matter?”, Siddiq asked, moving a little closer as you could already feel your body beginning to cramp by the thought of having to speak part of last night’s events out again. “He uhm-”, you said, gulping as the barrier in your head stopped you for a second from ending your sentence ,”He…he bashed his head against the wall.” The words felt like poison to your body, biting into your skin, stinging in your mouth, twisting and wrenching your heart in the worst way imaginable while a horrific mix of boiling heat and icy coldness washed over your back. “Purposely”, you added in response to the confusion on Siddiq’s face while this one word just increased the effects of its poison. “I’m not sure how often exactly,…must have been a few times, I-”, you went on, feeling your throat lightning with each words as yo twisted your hands nervously, “,..I cleaned the wound and… and I don’t think he’s got a concussion but I’m not one hundred percent sure.” You glanced at him, saw the concern that was displayed on his features before you breathed shivering out and gulped quietly. “He doesn’t know I’m asking…I just-”,you began again, the whirling up thoughts stopping you once more before Siddiq already took charge and gave you a small smile. “I’ll take a look.” “Thank you”, you breathed out, forcing a smile onto your lips as well before Siddiq sighed quietly and stepped a little closer as he ran his palm over his dark beard stubble. “How about you get a little out for a bit?”, he asked after a small pause, glancing carefully at you as if he wanted to test the waters before he rose his voice again,“Got Will at outlook B, got himself hurt when he tried to repair some loose bars…looks like he’s got a wound on his forearm but I can’t tell more just from a few words nor if he’d need to come home. But I’d need someone to take a look at it.” You pondered, sighing quietly as the thought of being this far from Negan in his current state let the restlessness inside you whirl up once more. “Think you need to calm a little down too…that could be a way”, he added onto it, seeing the doubt that was painted all over your face. You knew he was right. You knew he was but still you hesitated, wrestling with your ongoing thoughts, even though you knew just as well that Negan would want you to go and especially not stay back because of him. To be honest, if he would find out you did, it could just make his feelings and fears worse. Silent moments passed until you gulped quietly and began to slowly nod, remembering Negan’s words from this morning. You were gonna be back with him tonight, just like he said. “Yeah…”, you eventually mumbled, looking into Siddiq’s eyes as you caught him nodding slightly,”I’ll just let Negan know, just to be sure…then I’ll get on my way there.”
The car vibrated beneath you as you drove over the abandoned country roads, following the paths that were here and there vested with guidance sings that showed you the way. The med bag and a half loaded gun on the passenger seat shifted from side to side as you turned into the next road, taking care to not miss a sign and risk having to drive a detour. Gas was a rare becoming good these days, leaving only a few cars available for each community and one of them was transporting you through the forests and overgrown fields in these moments. You couldn’t fully tear your thoughts from Negan as he kept swinging through your head. You were still deeply worried, even though he had done nothing else than encourage you at your little detour to the cell before you had swung yourself into the car. You tried to keep that in mind, tried to let the small smile he had put on his lips for you calm you, just like his warm hand that had engulfed yours and squeezed it softly as he had told you to take care before rasping those three words that had as always elicited this special warmth in your depths. They had been the last ones he had told you before you had left and they still echoed through your head and acted soothing on you even though you couldn’t deny the worry that was washing up again and again, flooding your mind until you forced yourself to concentrate on your upcoming job. After all, maybe you should use Siddiqs advice and use this opportunity, earn some strength which you could help Negan with in the end as well. Hell, use even Negan’s words, even though a part of you feared that he had put on a show or even just chocked back his agony to not burden more concern onto you. This was still the man who had harmed himself last night, and the more you reminded yourself of it, the more you wanted to turn around and head back to Alexandria. But instead, the car began to softly shake as you turned into the last road on your way, the blacktop already coined by nature’s forces it was constantly exposed to, letting the car shake a little more as your eyes caught Will’s outlook and the small house beside it from afar.
Shadows danced over the ground of the cell as Negan stared to its cold cement surface, sniffling quietly as he rubbed his eyes that must be as red and swollen as a damn monkey’s ass from all the tears that had broken out of him again. He hated this shit, of course he did, even more than the damn stinging salve Siddiq had daubed onto his wound but this all was still far from how much he hated what he was doing to his girl. He was putting her through pain and he knew it. He had most certainly heard it last night, when she had thought he had fallen asleep in her arms and small but heartbreaking sobs had erupted her body. Only the memory of it shot painful venom into his veins, leaving him with an ugly but still certain feeling that he couldn’t do this anymore to her. Shit, he couldn’t see the damn tears in her pretty eyes anymore which he had forced into them, he couldn’t see the way she was losing sleep over him and woke up with more worry, he couldn’t live with the feeling that he was the reason for her pain. Maybe he didn’t have to do this much longer, the shadows that had danced over the ground belonged to two people Negan knew, one of which he had last seen on the day of the battle, who had begged and screamed for his death. She was on her way down here in those moments, he could already hear her footsteps. Maybe he was just minutes away from leaving this damn world and doing for fucking once the right thing, making the way free for (Y/N) to finally be happy without any sorrow and worry. The door creaked as it opened and the widow finally stepped in, glancing at him as if part of her couldn’t believe that she had actually reached her destination while the rest of her stared with hatred and disgust down at him. Maybe it wouldn’t take much to drive her over the edge, just some egging and provoking here and there, mention the night he took the life of her husband, the way he cracked open that man’s skull and popped out his eyeball, maybe even lie and say he enjoyed that shit. That whole crap should be enough to make her do it. Make her do it before his girl got back. She didn’t have to see this, she didn’t have to see this happening. And once it was done, when she’d find him it would hurt like hell and the thought of it wrenched him apart, but soon, when his body was already rotting in the ground and the most tears had been cried, she’d realize that he was right. He was just a burden. She was better off without him.
“Alright, that’s it…but I’ll still get you back to Alexandria”, you mumbled not more than a half hour later, fixing the last bit of his bandage as he shifted uncomfortably on the worn off chair he had plopped himself earlier on. “Really? Think that’s necessary?”, he grumbled, puckering his brows as he stared at his covered wound and huffed quietly. His blue eyes were scanning over the cloth, as he ran his hand through his dirty blonde hair that was sticking out from the multiple times he must have already done it before he glanced reluctantly back at the small house. “Yeah, that bandage is fine for the first bit but I want Siddiq to look over that…and I don’t think you should be out here with that kinda wound”, you mumbled back, pushing your used utensils back into the leather bag before glancing up at him. “Okay”, he finally said before he heft himself slowly up from the wooden chair and let out a strained groan, “Just gotta get my stuff.” “No, you gotta rest. Stay, I’ll get it for you.”
“Alright, there we go”, you mumbled as you got him into the passenger seat after placing his bag of clothes in the backseat, hearing him groan quietly as he fell onto the fabric and adjusted himself a little. “Thanks”, he said, a sharp breath falling from his lips as he shifted his arm into his lap to give it a little stabilization before you shut his door with a dull thud and moved over the driver’s side. Moments later you started the engine, letting the car zoom and shake slightly beneath you as you began to roll down the street again. “Thought you’d be much more tense”, Will said after a small while as he leaned into the backseat, fumbling on his walkie as you let your brows pucker in confusion while you turned your head and glanced a little questioning at him. “Hmm?”, you mumbled, looking back at the street as you the corners of your eyes caught him running a palm over his short dirty blonde beard stubble,“Now I didn’t think you’d be so calm with Maggie coming to Alexandria.” With that an ice-cold shudder ran down your back as your head snapped towards him, your eyes burning into him as you tried to figure out if this was real or if you had just hallucinated his voice. “What?!”, it left your lips almost without your own notice, your eyes only looking back at the road for a split second before you stared back at Will. “You don’t know? Must’ve been a half hour before you got here”, he grumbled, holding up his walkie as he cleared his throat, “Got a shitty connection out here but enough to figure out she arrived…thought you had a walkie with ya too.” “No, no I don’t I-”, your voice broke off as panic began to wash through your veins, adding onto the tension that had been lingering the whole time within you. She hadn’t been in Alexandria for all this time, she wasn’t visiting for some cookies and a nice cup of tea. She was there for Negan. Your foot began to press down onto the gas pedal, simultaneously to your up-speeding heartbeat as your brain began to visualize your deepest fears that could happen right in these moment. You shouldn’t have driven out. You shouldn’t have fucking driven out. If you hadn’t you’d be there now, you’d be there to keep her away from him. He needed you and you weren’t there to protect him. You were in this fucking fucked up car, in the middle of fucking nowhere. “(Y/N), you gotta slow the hell down”, Will mumbled nervously, shifting uneasily in the seat beside you as you shook your head and glanced for a moment at him. “She could be doing what fucking ever to him right now, I won’t slow down”, you said, half panted, your voice filled with panic you couldn’t hold back anymore. Part of you tried to keep yourself under control, the other, the one that seemed to take over right now, put terror in each and every of your cells. You knew her, you knew what she was capable of, she’d kill him if she got the chance. That’s all she ever wanted. “Will, I need you to give me your walkie”, you said, trying to grasp a clear thought before you already saw him shaking his head from the corner of your eyes. “No, forget it (Y/N), not until you go down from that damn gas pedal”, he said, trying to keep his voice firm as you let out a stressed sigh. “Alright, if you don’t hand it over, could you please ask if they know where she exactly is? Please, Will”, you said, your breath shaky as you slowed a small bit down for a moment, hoping to persuade him before he huffed slightly but finally got it up to his lips. His voice boomed through your head even though he was talking lowly, your heartbeat pounded and echoed through your head as you waited for an answer coming from the other side. But it didn’t. “Told you we got a shitty connection out here”, he grumbled as he lowered the walkie again while the fear in you seemed to fill you up until you threatened to burst. “Fuck”, you cursed, pushing the wheel slightly as your foot pressed down on the pedal again while a lump began to slowly grow in your throat. Just last night he had hurt himself and now, shit, now someone tried to do what fucking ever to him. What if you weren’t there on time. What if Michonne wouldn’t hold her back or if it wasn’t enough? You couldn’t lose him. You couldn’t lose Negan.
Your nervously sweaty becoming palms pressed against the wheel, your foot growing heavy on the pedal while the walkie began to rustle, not even full words streaming through it, only loose vowels that were as good as impossible to fully combine. “Sounds like some shit’s going down”, Will grumbled to himself, only letting you grow more uneasy as the trees rushed fast by you, letting them look like a green blurry mess beside you until you suddenly caught figures and horses with a carriage appearing at the horizon that just had to be from Alexandria. They were blocking the road as they were buzzing around the carriages, fast and as restless as your racing heart. Your car got closer and closer until you were forced to gradually slow down, especially as you began to slowly recognize them. Beneath others, there were Diane and Michonne, from afar it looked like you could even see Carol and then, then you saw someone else. Maggie. Your heart skipped a beat as you skimmed over her, catching the crowbar in her hand that let a whole different nausea wash over your body. She was coming back from Alexandria, she was with Michonne…so had she been at his cell? Had she hurt him? Had she- Before you could grasp another thought the panic of losing Negan took over your mind, mixing the most terrible emotions within you and letting you feel like you blacked out for a moment as your senses only perceived their figures shortly before you, the stopping car beneath you, the sharp sound of the car’s door as you crashed it back into its frame and the way your feet hit the blacktop. Eyes were fixed on you, on your in panic and anger trembling body, on your eyes that had already become watery, on the heavy breaths that let your chest rise and fall rapidly. Your glance wandered over the crowbar, over its clean surface that didn’t let one ounce of relief run through you. That didn’t mean shit, especially not to a mind as full of panic as yours. Every single emotion rushing through you just got worse with each step as one special pair of eyes were fixed on you as you stomped towards them, focusing on you and wandering in a glare over your face. For the first time after one and a half year. “What the hell did you do to him?!”, it blustered out of you, half angrily panting, half with your voice threatening to break at the end of the question while your whole body formed into an agony mess, fearing whatever the answer may be. Maggie’s glance narrowed some more as you stood before her, her lips pursed in an angered manner before the sound of her voice let every cell in you shudder.
“Nothing”, she snarled, the tone in her voice cold as this one word echoed through your head and couldn’t decide if it should elicit confusion or relief, ”Wanted to kill him but you know what? He’s already so much worse than dead.” She huffed, her face pulling a thicker frown onto it as she stepped closer to your suddenly frozen self and clenched her jaw tensely before a tinge of satisfaction spread over her features. “He begged me to kill him. Let that sink in, (Y/N). He begged me crying and sobbing on his damn knees to kill him.” No. No, that couldn’t be true. She was just messing with you, right? Just trying to drive you wild to hurt you. But her voice sounded genuine, that painfully genuine that part of you tried to avoid seeing it, even though her eyes spoke the same language. What she was saying was the truth…and after knowing what had happened last night, after knowing how fragile he was at the moment…even this one part in you that tried to deny it lost its fight. “He wanted me to do it because he couldn’t”, she growled, the hint of satisfaction still painted on her face as you first recognized the single tears that had begun to roll down your cheeks, along your features that were still frozen in shock and pain. “He’s so pathetic and weak he couldn’t-” Her voice still echoed through your ears as she got cut off by the sound of nearby shots and louder becoming growls of the dead, before a mess of voices and information prattled in on you within just a couple of moments, visualizing a horrifying picture even though its mass only let you catch pieces of its puzzle. Diane panted about a shootout at the camp between some Saviors and the departing Kingdomers with consequences that ended bloodily, with deaths especially on the latter side. Daryl who you hadn’t even recognized till now was running closer, with eyes searching panicking over the forest, growling over splitting up with Rick so he could lead the herd further away from the communities and the bridge, all while the disturbing loudness of a mass of undead growls and the closeness of the bridge didn’t bode well. Something had went wrong. Horribly wrong. The fast footsteps of Michonne and the rest of the group boomed over the earthy ground, seemingly letting it quake every second as they ran. And you ran with them. You were torn. Completely and utterly torn. Back in Alexandria was Negan, your mind was rushing around him, visualizing what must have happened between him and Maggie while each more moment your mind made up hurt you more. He wanted to die. Negan wanted to die. The man you were loving had begged someone to kill him. You couldn’t wrap your head around it while your body was far ahead of it. It was wrenching in agony, similar but still different to the pain you had felt under that tree on the hill, with his blood sticking to your fingers as he threatened to bleed to death. Still, your feet were running. Scared about what might happen at the bridge that could change everything while you knew at the same time that there was no way you could return now to Alexandria. Part of you wanted to split up, split into two, get one part of yourself to Negan while letting the other one run towards the bridge. The decision was made for you as your eyes caught the bridge, caught a mass of dead bodies stumbling over it while its end within the trees couldn’t be seen, while your hand instantly and driven by your instincts reached to your gun holster, lacing your fingers around it, ready to use it if you had to. “What was that?”, Carol shouted through the growls as another shot filled the air before your eyes ran over the bridge that filled more and more with walkers that had a very certain goal in their eyes. “It’s Rick”, another voice shouted as you caught him near the end of the bridge on the other side of the river, pressing his hand onto his side that was soaked in dark red blood while his hand with the revolver was still high up, darting at the walkers in front of him until his glance fell for a moment on the group of people by the river’s side. Shock rushed through your veins as you stared at him, catching how Daryl’s figure showed up beside you while your fingers still rested around your gun that tingled from the stress that seemed to multiply with each passing seconds. “Move north, break up the rest.
Bring some guns!”, you heard Maggie shout, footsteps echoing over the ground as more people rushed towards the river. Instead of following her lead like the others behind you your glance stayed fixed on your friend on the bridge as you saw him glancing down at you and Daryl, confusion and shock spread over his face as you could see him puckering his brows softly in concern as he shook his head and moved his blood covered hand as if he wanted to stop you all, as if he wanted to signal that it was okay this way. From the corner of your eye you could catch the others running through the woods closer towards the bridge while your glance stayed focused on Rick and the walkers that stumbled closer, stretching their arms toward his figure as only meters parted them. For a second you got dragged out of the trance this whole situation had thrown you in as Daryl threw his crossbow from his shoulder, grabbed a bolt and cocked it into its bowstring before rushing back to let it shoot towards the closest Walker to Rick, almost tearing the rotting head apart as it hit its target. Your eyes stayed fixed to your half-brother as your fingers finally pulled the gun out of its holster, your glance meeting his as he pushed in another bolt. For the first time since he knew of what you had with Negan, you seemed to have a little bit of the old connectedness back as neither of you needed words to know what you were going to do. Together. Your hand grasped the gun tightly as you rose it up, darting at the walkers before Rick as you pulled the trigger, releasing bullets that brought down walkers as much as Daryl’s bolts did. Rick glancing back and worth between the both of you and the walkers, bending as he had to give in to the pain his wound was forcing up in him while his eyes got fixed on something within the dead for moments. Slowly, he glanced a last time at the both of you as you reached the end of your weapons’ capabilities, gulping softly as he nodded grateful towards you while he rose his colt, his arm shaking threateningly as his blood began to cover the silver surface of his gun before his finger moved to the trigger. And he pulled it.
For a moment, the world seemed to stop spinning as the bridge turned into a giant fireball, enlightening the air as its heat hit your skin and brought your blood to boil. Rick had blown himself up. He had blown himself and the bridge up to save all of you. The realization of who you had just lost began to kick in as your lips began to tremble and tears began to slowly fill your eyes, blurring your view of the burning walkers that began to fall down the remains of the bridge into the wild water of the bridge that was as effervesced as the feelings that were streaming through your body. “No”, left your quivering lips as this day turned more and more into a living nightmare. Your glance was fixed to the burning bridge that began to be covered in thick, black smoke that rose up onto the sky until the corners of your eyes caught Daryl’s head sinking in pain and utter grief. Your head turned towards him as you felt your throat tightening while the first tears began to roll down your cheeks, catching his shoulders beginning to shake as he spun his body slowly away from the place that had become the death of his best friend. You wanted to say something but instead his teary glance only met yours for the matter of seconds, filled with a pain that you had seen rarely in his eyes before he sniffled as turned once for all away, grabbing his crossbow tightly as he made his way into the woods, slumped in like a wounded animal with nowhere to go instead of away. Away of the bridge. Away of the one place that had been supposed to be part of the future Carl had wished for. Away from the place that had turned out to be the opposite. Rick was gone and you still couldn’t believe it, couldn’t fully grasp it as your mind rushed through the years you had known him, from the moment he had shown up at the campsite to this very last moment on the bridge, leaving you with a feeling of grief you had hoped to never feel again. Still, you did. Rick Grimes was dead.
You couldn’t remember much of the way back, it was like a cloth torn apart my moths, leaving blank spaces that couldn’t get filled. All you recognized was your heavy foot on the gas pedal, the trees rushing past you, mixing into a mess of green and brownish spots until you caught Alexandria’s gates. From then on, cries and murmurs mixed with one another, your eyes caught Michonne as she parted herself from Carol, still crying and whimpering as she vanished alone in her home to sink into her deep cut grief, Alexandria’s residents stood either in shock by another or cried silently, all while you stumbled panicking towards the brownstones. You had just lost a close friend and you still couldn’t grasp it, couldn’t realize it. All you knew was only that you couldn’t lose Negan as well. Agony was dominating your body as you got closer to the tall houses, fearing that he might have harmed himself again or worse. With every damn time someone hurts themselves, their dread towards it sinks, with every damn time someone hurts themselves, their ability to take a step further becomes more likely. What if Negan had reached that point already? What if you would step down those stairs and see him there, dark red blood trickling down his skin and staring with dead eyes at you that had just this morning looked with deep running love at you? What if you had already lost him but just didn’t know it yet? What if? You fought against those thoughts, tried to keep the little flame of hope up in you as you reached the houses and found yourself rushing down the stairs, trembling and afraid of what was to come. Your panicking glance bounced around the room like a pair of table tennis balls, searching for his figure as soon as you reached the end of the stairs before you did. Slumped in he sat on is bed. Alive. Still, your eyes scanned over him, searching for wounds but all you could catch was the injury of last night and the empty yet hurt expression that was spread all over his face, up until the moment his eyes met yours.
The moments between this once glance and the time that passed until the guard had opened the door and let you slip inside had been as torn apart as the time you had spent in the car back home. Almost as if it hadn’t happened. Still, you stood in front of him now, trying to make him look at you as he gulped and glanced at you, his eyes swollen and red from the crying even though an odd expression laid over his face, as if he was pretending that nothing of what you had heard had happened. “What’s happening outside? Sounds like one hell of a mess”, he asked, obviously trying to bring up as much firmness as his sobs dreaded voice could, forming into words what his facial expression had already told you. He was trying to be strong for you right now, you could see it right there and then in front of you as the man you loved tried to keep the threateningly rickety scaffold he was upright for you. You couldn’t lie to him now, not even withhold it. Not now that he knew something was going on, not in these circumstances. In the end, it would just make it worse, besides the fact that you were by far not emotionally stable enough in these challenging moments to decide completely rationally. “Rick’s dead”, it blustered out of you, the words seeming so impossible as you spoke them out, as if it wasn’t real, almost, as if you were telling a lie. “What?!”
Painful stings pelted onto your body as you brought as short as you could out what had happened at the bridge, unable to go in detail as your body feared more agony that only waited for its moment to sneak up. The words left your lips almost as if they didn’t belong to you, they just flew out as your eyes stayed fixed to Negan’s face, each muscle that twitched, each dried tear on his skin. Tears clouded your eyes as he reached out to you, pulling you trembling closer until he could wrap his shaking arms around you, trying to comfort you even at his lowest. His touch was soothing as you gave in to it and its caresses for a couple of moments, before you had to tear yourself from him as you got to the part that you feared the most, the part you had to tell him even though your whole body twisted even only thinking about it.
“Negan,…Maggie was there too”, you mumbled, indirectly revealing your knowledge to him as your voice was breaking in the end while his face fell in the matter of seconds, breaking the thin shield of calmness he had put on for you before it twisted in agony, wrenching you apart as you caught tears beginning to force their way into his eyes, unable to be held back anymore, as his shoulders slumped in like the ones of a hurt animal. “I…I’m sorry”, he whimpered, his head lowering as the sob shook through him, shooting painful stings through your veins as you stared at him in pain. “I should be dead…I have to be dead”, he mumbled, turning slowly away from you as your throat tightened again, his tears and words forcing a thick lump into your throat. “No”, it broke out of you with as much force and strength as you could bring up before his tearful eyes glanced for the matter of a second up before they stared back to the ground as a shudder let his shoulders shake. “’Cause…’cause I’m just a fuckin’ burden, you’d be better off without me.” “No, no Negan I wouldn’t-” “You should go…”, he mumbled shakily, “Maybe if I try that crap again I’ll get it done myself.” The pain that got elicited by those words was indescribable, mimicking knives that dug into your body and turned and twisted until you were an agony filled mess, with more tears filling your eyes and a shock running through you that let your lips gap open but didn’t allow to let words flow out of it at first. “Negan, stop saying that”, you finally said, your voice hitching through the tears that began to choke you ,”And I won’t leave you.” “You should be able to mourn now,…you should be able to lean all the fuckin way onto me and not have to fucking worry even fuckin’ more”, he said, his voice as broken as the man in front of you before he shook his head as more tears rolled down his cheeks and got entangled in his thick beard. “Heard you crying last night…when you thought I was sleeping”, he brought out, adding more shock to the agony whirling through your body as you tried to step closer to him before his weak voice echoed off the cold walls once more, “You shouldn’t suffer because of me…you-…you deserve to be happy and I can’t give you that.” “That’s not true”, you chocked out, reaching towards his shaking hand until you could softly grasp it,”Negan, you make me happy.” “No, no, all I do is make you worry-” “I worry because I love you. That’s part of the deal…you’d worry about me too”, you said, your voice coined by the thick lump in your throat as you carefully moved closer until you could reach up and softly place your hand on his neck while the other still grasped his fingers , “If you love someone you worry about them when they’re not feeling well..but that doesn’t mean they don’t make you happy.” A shivering breath fell from your lips as you couldn’t prevent the most urging tears to make their way down your cheeks, letting you sniffle quietly as you tried to keep the rest of you as much under control as you could. “And I think in some way you know that…”,you gulped, trying to catch his glance as your fingertips caressed over the trembling skin of his neck ,”All this shit here is just fucking with your head.” Negan’s face wrenched in pain as you glanced through tears clouded eyes at him, feeling him shaking beneath you as it broke completely out of him, sobs rumbling through his chest as you tried to push yourself out of the shock that froze your bones. Negan began to slump in even more, trembling like an aspen leaf as your hand left his and instead allowed you to wrap your arms around him, pull him into your own shaking embrace until his head sunk into the curve of your neck and his quivering arms slung around your body. His hot tears and his panting breath hit your skin as you dandled him back and forth in your arms, your hand caressing through his dark hair as more tears ran down your cheeks as you somehow tried to comfort the broken man in your arms. “I can’t lose you”, it broke whimpering out of you, pulling him deeper into your embrace as you cradled him, closing your eyes as you leaned your head against his, nuzzling your nose into his hair as he slowly tightened his arms around you as well.
The sun was already going down when you found yourself sitting on the side of the bed, still holding him as he leaned against your side, sniffling as his face stayed buried in the curve of your neck and his shaking breath hit your skin. Your fingers ran through his hair, drawing slow circles as your lips pressed to his temple, softly and careful as you tried to keep more tears from coming up again. “I need you here with me, Negan”, you quietly mumbled as you held him closer, feeling how the lump began to press in on your throat again no matter how much you tried to fight it, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Negan shifted closer, his arms still trembling as he slung them a little more around your waist as you tried to keep your voice from breaking. “I don’t know how to get through those nights with the nightmares, I don’t know how to live without you, I-”, you said, feeling how your voice broke either way before you felt him slowly beginning to lift his head from your shoulder until he could glance at you. His eyes were still swollen from the tears, his lips still trembling as you reached up, cupping his jaw as you caressed your fingers along his beard, chocking back more tears as you caught his glance and breathed softly out, “Negan, you’re my everything.” His face relaxed a little by your words while your thumb gently stroke over his cheek, wiping away the last tears as you quietly gulped. “If I could, I’d take all that damn pain from you onto me…I really would but I can’t…”, you mumbled as his still clouded hazel eyes ran over your face, “I can’t just fix everything but I…I can help you through it…but you have to want it…” He swallowed thickly, his eyes wandering for a moment to the ground before they met yours again as a quivering breath fell from his lips. “I want it…I just don’t wanna-”, he stopped, unable to put the rest into words even though you could figure it out yourself. “I love you”, he brought out, his voice thick with emotion as you softly nodded and began to lean in, trying to grasp some hope even though you still knew how fragile he was. “I love you too”, you mumbled back just before your lips softly captures his, feeling him melting into your touch the moment you met while he held you a little closer than before. It was just a short, sweet kiss, but still it seemed to bring a little comfort into both of your bodies before your lips parted again but his face remained close to yours. “Let’s lay down, alright?”, you carefully asked after a couple of moments, trying to shift this whole situation a little before you could feel him slightly nod.
You slowly moved back into the pillows, letting him move against your side as you pulled him back into your embrace, into the very same position as you had already laid in last night. Slowly you moved in to nuzzle your nose into his hair while your fingertips caressed over his arm, slowly tracing up and down the prison’s suit fabric as you slowly began to feel him relax a little. “Everything will get better, Negan”, you mumbled, moving your hand slowly up to brush over his beard, caressing it softly as you heard the first peaceful sound leaving his lips since you got back. You tried to grasp it, let it give you some more strength even though there was still an unbelievable amount of distress lingering within you. Still, you tried to push it away for a moment and take a breath, to focus on helping the man in your arms. “And you know what? As soon as things have calmed down, I will try to find Lucille…maybe she’s even still here…and I’ll try to figure things out, maybe we can make this all a bit better…get you out of here just for an hour or so to work or maybe just get some things inside here…but it will get better, okay?”, you mumbled as your fingers ran along his jaw before you pressed another small kiss to his forehead. You could still hear the mess that was happening outside stream inside the cell through the windows, hear the grief the people outside were experiencing which was lingering in you as well, only pushed back by the mission to take care of Negan even though you knew it would break through earlier or later. But next to all this pain and stress, as you finally heard him say “okay” quietly back, a part of you eased a little. You knew this wasn’t it with this one word, by far not. The rockiest of the roads you already had to overcome as a couple laid in front of you now, densely cluttered with large and sharp rocks that were ready to turn this path into a harsh and merciless test. Still, you refused to let the hope in you vanish. You were going to do everything in your might to help Negan through this, stand by his side along this rocky road until and beyond he would reach its end. No matter if it would take weeks, months or even years…
Agony struck through your body as you writhed in your disturbed sleep, the screams in your head forming into a horrific orchestra, determined to bring you down and drive you crazy until a deep, soothing voice began to interrupt them and sound through to you. It grasped you, taking you to tear you out of the nightmare’s grasp while a familiar warmth began to engulf you tighter, bringing your consciousness slowly back as the dream still tried to pull you back into its darkness. “Baby? Hey….Baby, wake up”, Negan’s voice mumbled, bringing you closer to the surface of finally waking up again until you broke through it and began to sense what the horror in your head was doing not just to your mind, but to your body as well. You were trembling like an aspen leaf, your chest rising and falling through sharp breaths that cut through your throat and got disrupted by the taste of salty tears that trickled down your cheeks as a wave of icy coldness and boiling heat mixed within your veins. “Shh…hey, it’s over. Everything’s fuckin’ fine. I’m here, Sweetheart”, Negan’s voice sounded through to you once more as you were finally able to open your eyes, glancing at his face that was only softly enlightened in the moonlight but which gave enough light to show the concern that had taken charge of his features. Pants were still leaving your trembling lips as his eyes caught yours, running over your face in worry as his hand reached up, his thumb stroking softly over your skin to get rid of the salty tears. Still in panic your glance wandered in restlessness over his face, his throat, his body, checking that he was fine and trying to prove to yourself that the nightmare hadn’t shown the truth. There were no screams, he wasn’t torn up, there was no thick, dark red blood covering him, trickling down on the pile of rotten corpses that belonged once to the people you loved. He was alive, not a hint of blood on his body, nor on the prison suit and there he was, laying right beside you, holding you in his arms and pulling you deeper into his embrace to comfort you. “Hey, look at me, Baby”, he mumbled, trying his best to hold your gaze that still wasn’t sure enough that he was actually safe and sound, “It’s okay, everything‘s okay.” Finally, you got yourself to look into his eyes as you slowly began to calm down and felt his thumb continuing its calming brushes over your wetted cheeks . Slowly, you began to nod, sniffling slightly before he you watched him leaning in in the faint light until his lips could caress soothingly over yours, keeping them captured until he felt you melting into him, yearning for the kiss and his touches as if they could force the rest of what the nightmare had left in your bones out of your body. His lips had just left yours as you sunk against him, burying your face into the crook of his neck as the fear got hold of you again and urged you deeper into his embrace, as if he would vanish into thin air if you let go. “I love you”, your still trembling lips mumbled against his skin as you felt him tightening his arms around you before a set of warm lips placed on your temple. “I love you too”, he mumbled back, pressing another kiss against your skin as you cuddled closer into his embrace, “So fuckin’ much.”
You stayed this way for minutes, engulfed by Negan’s arms as you were calming your body and mind down, slowly getting the trembling under control as well as the mess the nightmare had formed on your head. “You wanna talk?”, you heard Negan eventually mumble as you found yourself sitting next to him on the edge of the cheap bed, feeling how he wrapped his blanket around your shoulders as you glanced reluctantly at him, not sure if you should worry him even more. But before you could think more, he let out a deep sigh and pulled you closer, recognizing the signals you were sending him. After all, that man knew you and he knew that look. “Was about my damn ass, huh?”, he grumbled, wrapping his arm around your waist as you longed for his warmth that set a clear contrast to the iciness that was radiating from the cold cement ground against the soles of your feet. “You…the others”, you mumbled, gulping heavily as you tried to keep the pictures out of your mind before you slowly leaned your head against his shoulder and felt him resting his against yours. “Well, now it’s over and fuckin’ done…I don’t die, that’s not how it works”, Negan mumbled, a soft, supportive chuckle in his voice, meant to cheer you up as his hand reached up and stroke for a moment along your cheeks. “You tell me when you need your man to loose ya up, right?”, he added, his hand that was still cupping your waist squeezing it playfully as he finally elicited a small chuckle to fall from your lips as well. “Yes”, you mumbled against the blue fabric of his prison suit as you huddled closer up to his tall frame,”But for now…can you just hold me?” “Oh I can do that sure as shit”, he mumbled back as he loosened his hold on you for a moment to scoot back on the bed and eventually open his arms for you. “Thank you”, you said, giving him a small but grateful smile as you climbed back into the bed, ”Thank you for being there.” “No damn need to thank me…that’s my job, isn’t it?”, he grumbled with a small chuckle as you got closer to him, “Come here.” Quietly, you let yourself fall next to him again, feeling how he wrapped his arms around you and grabbed your leg carefully to hook it over his, making sure that he could hold you as close as possible. ”There you go”, he mumbled as he pulled the blanket back over your bodies, tucking you in along with him as you nuzzled your nose into the warmth of his neck, breathed deeply and contently out before allowing yourself to close your eyes again without having to fear that those pictures rushed up again. “You got no idea how much you help me with that”, you mumbled against his skin, feeling how he leaned his head back against yours, pressing a kiss to your forehead before a questionably hum left his lips. “Hmm?” “You help me deal with this”, you muttered in response as you cuddled into his comforting warmth ,”You make me stronger.”
The gravel was crunching beneath your shoes’ soles as you made your way towards the infirmary, the lack of sleep dragging on your body while you tried your best to stay awake. The extra strong coffee you had made yourself at your old home was still lingering on your lips, letting you hope that it would kick in soon while your heavy eyelids sent you a whole different message. You had woken up at least five more times that night, not crying and trembling like the first time after the nightmare, but with enough restlessness stuck in your body to have a hard time falling asleep once again. Each time Negan had been the one to let you sink back into those sleepy depths again, just with holding and caressing you until your body relaxed again in his arms and allowed you to get at least a little sleep. Without him there, you were sure you wouldn’t have been able to get more than an hour sleep, sure, it still wasn’t much, but you were grateful for every damn minute, especially after a nightmare as horrific as the one that had haunted you this last night. You knew that these things wouldn’t just completely vanish because someone loved you, that’s just not the way it works but since you had him with you, they were at least a little less frequent and much easier to deal with. Especially, because you also knew how these nights were without someone by your side and thinking back to them let an icy shudder run up and down your spine. You huffed quietly as your tired eyes finally captured the infirmary from afar, reminding you of the extra hours you probably had to add onto your usual shifts once again. A cold was going around, nothing threatening but strong enough to let a few people lay pretty low in the bed’s of the infirmary, joining the two workers who had hurt themselves working on the bridge and who all needed to be taken care of. And since the consequences of your involuntary participation in the fight between Daryl and Justing had let you lay just as low as the patients at the infirmary for two whole days, it was your turn to take over the extra shifts at the infirmary. You hadn’t returned to Rick’s big project above the river, not because of the fight, but because Siddiq needed you in Alexandria. You could still see the disappointment written over Rick’s face as he got the news, taking with you also a bunch of others from the bridge that just added onto the problems that had emerged after the fight. Justin’s sudden and gruesome death along with the vanishing of a bunch of other saviors were just a few of the things that had let he situation escalate, tearing a giant crack into the alleged pace that had rested between the communities. You could tell how important the bridge was to Rick, building something for the future, for the future that Carl would have wanted. And now you were looking at the nearest future in front of you at the end of the path, hoping that you wouldn’t have to take yet another extra shift. You got less time to be with Negan because of them, shrinking your time with him to a minimum before you were forced to sleep if you didn’t want to walk around as dead as the walkers outside the gates the next day. It wasn’t just dreading on your nerves, you could tell it was dreading on his too, even though he was trying to stay strong for you. Still, there always was this underlying darkness that kept welling up from time to time, trying to pull him into its depths and take him in. Until now, you could always manage to pull him out again, one way or another, and let him see the light again but this shrunk time didn’t contribute to it. And even though you tried to suppress it, tried to stay positive, if you were honest, there was a painful and wrenching fear lingering deep down in you that one day, you might not be able to pull him out of this darkness anymore.
“You want me to eat? Well, I want you to stay and talk to me”, Negan mumbled, glancing from the sandwich to the woman who was staring disbelieving and annoyed at him. He needed to do this, he needed to be seen as a human again, not just the monster behind bars. He needed to talk. “I mean, I I’m proof that you’re making a civilization, right? I mean, that’s what your boyfriend says, so hard to be that if I’m dead from starvation”, he added, watching the annoyance on Michonne’s face growing some more before her huff echoed through the room. “First, (Y/N) wouldn’t let you do-”, she began, stopping as she stepped closer to the bars, narrowing her glance as a shudder ran down Negan’s back. “She doesn’t know, does she? You didn’t tell her about this…this little game.” “No”, he responded in a growl, feeling an uncomfortable iciness spreading over his body. He wasn’t gonna let anyone pull her into this, especially not if this conversation would end up to have consequences for him. No, fuckin’ sir. ”Don’t pull her into this”, he added in a rasp, hearing another annoyed snort falling from her lips as she clenched her jaw and stared at him, as if she was prepared to attack. “Second, I thought you said you weren’t on strike.” “I’m not if you stay and talk to me”, he mumbled, going for a second try, trying to read something off her face in the faint light before Michonne made a sudden movement, grabbing the edge of the chair and pulling it towards her. “I’d say it’s about 20 minutes before the sun hits that bar.
That’s all you get. Then, you’re gonna eat every last bite”, she growled, a glare in her eyes as she plopped down on the chair, “You wanna talk? Let’s talk.”
“Sarah, you have to eat”, you mumbled with a small sigh as your glance wandered over the girl in the bed in front of you, coined by the thick cold she had caught herself. Her eyes were slightly swollen, a cloudy glance stuck in them, her nose was reddened by the countless times she had wiped it, the blonde hair was hanging in strands around her face while the rest of her body was buried beneath thick blankets. “At least a little”, you added, placing the soup on the nightstand by her side as you slowly caught her shaking her head while a painful cough rumbled through her throat. “I’m not hungry.” “I know…I get it, but you have to try, at least a few spoons so your body can get some strength back”, you mumbled, a slightly pleading tone in your voice as you felt like you were playing a record back over and over again. “Okay”, she finally muttered after a few more silent moments, ultimately grabbing the bowl and the spoon before slowly and hesitantly taking a few first gulps. Giving her a thankful smile you turned around to go on with your work, hoping to not catch one nasty cold yourself before you heard Siddiq’s voice echoing through to you. “(Y/N)? Need your assistance over here.”
“I’m grateful at least one of the women I’ve loved doesn’t have to see me like this”, Negan mumbled, feeling his heart sinking a little by those words as he leaned against the cold wall and glimpsed at the woman behind the bars. Till now this damn talk had been all easy for him, now, slowly, the hard one emerged and urged uneasiness into his bones. “What do you mean? As opposed to the asshole that you were before?”, she huffed, giving him an snide glance from her position on the old wooden chair. “God, she was…she was an angel”, he continued, ignoring the remark as his throat threatened to grow tight, throttling his air a little as he let out a deep sigh. “She deserved better than she got…(Y/N) does too…wish I could give her more.” Her eyes filled with all kinds of remarks he could figure out just too well but instead of speaking them out she remained silent for a moment before finally opening her mouth again. “What happened to her? Your wife?” “What used to happen”, he answered, the invisible thread spinning tighter around his throat as a cold shudder ran down his back, “Cancer.” “We would’ve loved to have had a kid…”, it fell from his lips, urging the old memories and thoughts further into his mind before new ones mixed in and let him once more realize what could be…or rather what could have been if shit would have turned out in some damn other way. “If things were different…I’d love to have kids with (Y/N) too”, he mumbled, his voice shivering slightly as it filled with emotion before he gulped thickly and glanced back at Michonne. “Kid like Carl…”, he mumbled, seeing the twitch in her muscles, revealing what his mention elicited in him even though Negan could feel the sting in himself as well. That kid had been something special, someone he would have loved to mentor some more…to actually have him like him. ”You got lucky.” “I think about him every damn day.
But he’s still here.
In everything we do.
I look around, and I see him everywhere”, she said, her voice thick with emotion as Negan moved a little closer and sighed quietly.
“Do you see him in this cell?” “Everywhere.”
“Haven’t slept well, huh?”, you heard Siddiq ask as he shoved the rest of his utensils back into the drawer, glancing at you as soon as it crashed back into the counter. “Woke up a couple of times”, you mumbled, leaving the nightmare part intentionally out as you met his glance and saw him nodding slowly before a small smile grew on his lips. “Go take a nap upstairs.” ”Really?”, you asked a little astounded as he began to nod once more. “Yeah, half hour can do wonders sometimes…I know that”, he mumbled, letting a small chuckle out before he nodded back towards the patient rooms,”And I’ll be fine for that time, seems like we got a little break now, so use it.” “Okay”, you responded, feeling how your body was already yearning more for a bed as soon as the opportunity seemed to unfold itself,”Thank you.”
A content groan left your lips as soon as you fell onto the bed, stretching your tired limbs out as soon as you settled into its middle and rested your head onto the soft pillows. Another hum left your lips as you closed your eyes, hoping to get the best out of the half hour while the soft blankets and pillows let a small part of you remember the nights with Negan in his large bed back at the sanctuary. The luscious black sheets and countless pillows that got only topped by the way Negan’s arms wrapped around you at night and kept you in his embrace. If you were honest, those strong arms were something you were missing right now too, no matter how big and comfy the bed was. A small huff left your lips as you opened your eyes just a little, glimpsing at the digital clock on the nightstand that let you remember to just use the time you had. So instead of letting your thoughts run free some more, you cuddled into the pillows, humming quietly before closing your eyes again and allowing yourself to drift a little off.
“She made me…not weak”, Negan mumbled, a hard gulp traveling down his throat as he shifted over the cement ground, feeling how the cold stone of the wall pressed into his back as he ran a palm over his thick beard, “And now…with (Y/N)…” Another sigh left his lips, filled with tension as he glimpsed up, catching the Michonne’s glance just for the matter of a second. ”Before her…I thought having someone you love with you in this…in some way it does make you weak…the dead harden us, y’know”, he mumbled, letting out a bittersweet chuckle as the woman behind the bar just stared at him, not disinterested, but rather as if his words began to let something stir within her. ”You feel like a shell of a fuckin’ person walking around, well that keeps you alive ‘cause you’re in some damn way not as vulnerable or fuckin scared, whatever”, Negan scoffed lightly, gulping as he felt the stinging pain of the past trying to bite his ass, ”My wife’s death put me in that kinda bubble…that’s what got me through for some time…” Another deep sigh fell from his lips, the difficulty of talking about her and the pain connected to her death pressing in on him before he glanced up at Michonne and caught her eyes. ”And I can tell you’ve gone through that phase too, in some way.” She stayed quiet, her glance intensifying by his words that told him he was right, even though she didn’t say a word, didn’t move an inch. ”And then, well then if you’re lucky you meet someone who makes ya feel alive again”, he went on, seeing how she kept staring at him as another small chuckle left his lips, ”That fuckin’ bubble bursts and shit’s scary as fuck, dangerous too ‘cause…as I said, it makes you vulnerable as hell.” ”Then why did you get together with her? Why are you still with her when it makes you so vulnerable?”, she suddenly spoke up, startling him a little by her abrupt response and the snapping even a little venomous sound. ”I’m just a human too, even though you probably see that different”, he said, breathing through as he glanced at his hands that fumbled on the loose threads that surrounded the fabric covering his knees ,”That temptation to feel shit again was bigger in the end. She trumped that.” “And now, well now I guess part of me was wrong back then…sure loving someone makes you vulnerable…maybe weak too, ‘cause she’s my raw fuckin’ point…but that strength she gives me…that outweighs that weakness…gives you a reason to keep going”, he mumbled, feeling a little warm sneak up deep within him as he talked about her. ”And if I’m honest, when I got her with me I often catch my damn self not even giving a single flying fuck. Not fucking caring if it makes me weak or strong…that’s what she’s doing to me”, he quietly chuckled, having to admit even to himself how big her impact was on him, especially in this dark time ,“I’m just happy to have her.” “What’s your point?”, Michonne growled, her voice sharp as she stared down at him on the cold cement ground. ”As much as Ricky the prick is a pain in the ass to me, to you he’s probably in some way what (Y/N) is to me.” ”Negan, what do you want to tell me with this?”, she added, the growl in her voice still clearly audible as he glanced up at her and made sure that she looked him in the eye for his next words. ”We’re the same.”
Siddiq had been right, the half hour had helped, letting you feeling at least a little more awake through the next few hours until you found yourself back in the kitchen, cleaning the bowl Sarah had finished much to your gladness. Siddiq stood next to you, sorting in the new meds and bandages into the drawers before he stopped to glance outside, sighing quietly as he propped his hands onto the wooden counter. Distracted by him you glanced up as well, catching a set of four men and women coming from the gates, carrying a few small boxes that gave away the place they had come from pretty quickly. ”Coming from the bridge, huh?”, Siddiq mumbled, quiet enough that it could sound like he was speaking to himself before you slowly nodded. ”I liked working there”, he added, letting out a small sigh as he shrugged his shoulders and gave you a small crooked smile,”Was a bit of a challenge.” ”Yeah…I liked it too”, you mumbled, thinking about the opportunity to be in the woods, another set of surrounding than all the same walls in the infirmary for a few hours a day. “Maybe if the cold beats retreat we’ll get to go there again…at least for some shifts”, you said, turning off the water and reaching out for a small black towel to dry the bowl in your hands up while Siddiq remained quiet. ”What?”, you mumbled quietly as he still hadn’t said anything back, before he slowly shook his head. ”Heard they’re pulling even more people back…heard rumors Carol’s taking her team too and besides, Eugene told me the waters been becoming harsher from the rainfalls, some kinda roulette game if the bridge’s gonna hold or not.” A sigh left your lips as soon as Siddiq’s voice hushed, leaving you torn about the thought what must be going on in Rick in these moments, standing in front of the alleged shards of his heart project. ”Shit…feel sorry for Rick”, you mumbled, catching Siddiq nodding quietly before he shrug his shoulders and pushed himself to loose the tension that had begun to spread over his face before he glanced back at you. ”Maybe it still works out, who knows.” ”Yeah”, you mumbled, giving him a small smile before you glanced back outside, finding the men and women that slowly got completely out of your view, descending behind a few of the rebuild houses. Within just a few moments Michonne replaced them, walking down the street with fast steps that let her dreads dance over her shoulders as she stumped over the blacktop. Your glance followed her for a second or two before you glanced down again to the sink, hoping that at least on this day you could leave on time to return to Negan.
“We don’t have your bat, Negan”, Michonne’s voice echoed through the cell, a firm tone in her voice as an ice-cold shudder ran down Negan’s back, taking his body in within the matter of milliseconds. That couldn’t be true…no that couldn’t be fucking true. “But…but she said Lucille’s at the armory-”, his voice brought out, shivering as he thought back to the things (Y/N) had told him after confronting Rick. She wouldn’t lie to him. No, fuck no she wouldn’t do that. She had been the one to take Lucille with her on that goddamn day at the hill, she had been the one to make sure the bat could stay a little in his room at the infirmary…so what the fuck had they done after he had been imprisoned…what the fuck had they done to her?! Heavy breaths left his lips as he stared at the women behind the bars, his brows puckering in desperation while a small, sly smile formed on her lips as her voice echoed through the cell again. “She was.”
“See you tomorrow”, you said, a smile spread over your lips as you shoved your jacket over your arms while your glance wandered from the descending Siddiq to the clock that finally showed you that you could leave as planned, with enough time left to make a short stop-by at your old home to get some new clothes for the night and maybe even hop into the bath for a quick shower. A content sigh left your lips as you finally slipped outside and walked down the porch’s stairs before a familiar voice stopped you from going any farther. “(Y/N), Wait”, Michonne’s voice made you turn around to her as she approached fast until only a meter parted you. “We have to talk…about Negan”, she said, the firmness in her voice immediatley letting a shudder run down your back as you stared in confusion at her, waiting for her to say something. “I know you didn’t know but I want you to do so now,…in case something like that happens again”, she said, a sigh leaving her lips as she glanced at you while the restlessness in your body grew. “Michonne what?” “He refused to eat, only gave in when I agreed to talk to him.” ”He didn’t eat?”, a coldness shook through you, sending an awful mix of emotions through your veins, an odd feeling of disbelief filling you up even though you could tell she was saying the truth, ”For how long?” ”Since yesterday, but it’s ended now, hopefully”, she sighed, your mind still trying to sort everything she had just said before you heard her voice again. ”You should check on him, either way…the sooner the better”, she mumbled, her voice as firm as before, ”Didn’t take everything I said very well.” ”Is he-” ”I don’t know what he’s doing. But in case he’s throwing a tantrum, I can’t have that. Don’t need him to drive the guards crazy.”
Those last words of Michonne kept echoing through your head as you rushed down the streets, your shoes’ soles hitting the blacktop with fast steps while your breath grew quicker and sharper, daring to slice cuts into your throat. How the fuck hadn’t you noticed he wasn’t eating? Or had there even been a chance for you to do so? He always got the meals during the day, the plates were each and every day already gone when you got there. Your head was an only mess, trying to figure out what exactly Michonne could have told him while his refusal got clearer to you, it made sense, even though it was hard to admit. That damn darkness was creeping up again, the memories of what he’d lost, the knowledge of how people were seeing him now, like a monster behind bars. and that was just a small part of it. Your heart pounded up into your throat, your pulse echoing through your ears as you finally approached the brownstones, not sure what to exactly await before the odd glance the guard was giving you just let the uneasiness in you grow. “Well, thank god you’re here”, a huff left his lips, pushing you to furrow your brows in worry and confusion before he slowly shook his head and pulled the keys out of his pants pockets. “What-” “See for yourself.”
The moment the door to the house opened your heart skipped a beat, letting the blood in your veins freeze as a rush of panic and concern washed over you. Cries bounced off the walls, deep, heart wrenching sobs that belonged to the man you loved. All out of sudden your feet began to run, to rush through the house, shut out everything around you as you stemmed the door to the cellar open and got hit by the uncovered sound of his agony filled sobs and whimpers that let your heart break a little more with each second you were exposed to them. You couldn’t think, couldn’t even perceive the way you stumbled down the stairs even though your shaking and fast legs dared to let you fall with each step. Everything in you had blacked out until you caught the metal bars appearing in front of you, showing you the fitting picture to the sounds that reechoed through the cell. There he was, almost vanishing in the faint light, cowering in the middle of the cell, his hands buried in his short dark hair, his body slightly teetering back and forth as tears streamed down his cheeks and wetted his thick beard as the sobs let his chest rise and fall in a threatening fast rhythm.
“Negan…”, fell from your lips, quietened by the lump that was forming in your throat, urging tears into your eyes as you stared at the picture of misery in front of you Negan had turned into. “I won’t open the door until he’s on the bed. Rule is rule. Don’t know if he’s fakin’ just to attack as soon as that door’s open”, you suddenly heard the guard’s voice sound through to you, adding with those three sentences a boiling anger to your deep worry that formed into a threatening glare that snapped towards the guard. “You can’t fucking possibly think that?! Get that damn door open”, blustered out of you, not as aggressive as the emotions in you tried to push it but breaking and panicking by the thought to not get to him. A sigh left the guard’s lips, his brows pulled into a deep frown before he clenched his jaw and pushed the key into the lock, pushing the door just enough open for you to slip in. The anger in you wanted to shoot him one more glare for this petty act, but instead the worry in you took over, pushing you through the gap in the door before you found yourself sinking to your knees in front of him. The tears began to blurry your view as your lips gaped open, letting restless breaths fall from your lips as you slowly reached out to him, placing your hand on his shaking shoulder as you suddenly heard his broken voice sounding through to you. ”Lucille’s gone”, he sobbed, confusion rushing through your mind as soon as he spoke up once more, ”She…she’s out there again.” ”I thought she’s in the armory…”, your trembling voice mumbled as you shifted closer to him, remembering what they’ve had told such a long time ago, after you had taken her with you from the tree on the hill, after Negan had been imprisoned, while your mind was working flat out now, trying to find answers even though there was no way. ”Was”, Negan whimpered, his broken voice sending painful stings through your body as he finally looked up at you, showing in the faint light enough for you to see his red rimmed eyes that were swollen from the still flowing tears, ”Said she got lost on a weapon transfer…they didn’t fuckin-…fuckin bother to look aft-” ”Oh my…”, only fell from your lips, the agony that was taking him in was settling over to you as well, forming a whirlwind of pain within you that grew and picked up pace with each second. “Come here…”, you mumbled, feeling your voice trembling as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into your embrace before his shaking body melted against you, his face burying into the curve of your neck. His hot tears met your skin as you cradled him, your hand reaching up to caress through his hair, trying to comfort him as well as you could before something wet touched your fingertips, letting you flinch away before your eyes stared in the faint light at your fingers whose tips were covered in his thick, red blood. A shivering breath fell from your lips, your mind trying desperately to figure out why he was bleeding, why blood was trickling from the wound on his forehead you hadn’t been able to see in the faint light. Heavy pants began to shake through your ribcage, letting it rise and fall against Negan’s slumped shape in your embrace as your eyes wandered in panic through the cell, before the sunbeams streaming through the gaps of the metal bars on the windows highlighted a spot on the stone wall that shook a wave of pain through you. Blood was sticking to the stone, shimmering threateningly in the light while your heart seemed to stop for a moment and a wave of nausea washed over you as realization kicked in. He had done this to himself. he had bashed his head against the wall. He had- ”Negan, wha-”, your voice couldn’t bring the sentence to an end before it broke, the lump in your throat growing to a size that made it harder and harder for you to speak. Panic began to rush through you as your mind kept trying to tell you to keep a cool head and be strong for him even though nothing seemed harder than this in these moments. You should know how to deal with this, you should. But this was the man you loved in your arms, still sobbing and whimpering, his body trembling in your embrace while the blood of his self-inflicted wound was sticking to your fingers and was still slowly trickling down his forehead. Tears blurred your view again as your body began to tremble harder, enough for Negan’s whimpers to stop for a moment and loose his own shaking body out of your embrace. You wanted to say something, not only ask him why even though you secretly knew the answer, but rather comfort him and find a solution that would let his pain vanish. But while a wrenching fight was happening between your wild running emotions and your mind, Negan slowly backed away, enough for his tears clouded eyes to capture your face that was still taken hostage by shock, pain and a good ounce of disbelief. “Don’t cry”, his trembling lips brought out, his face wrenching in agony as his trembling hand reached up and brushed over your cheek that had become home to the first tears that had rolled down your face against your will ,“I…I don’t want to you cry because of this-” “Negan, you bashed-…you harmed yourself, I-”, it blustered out of you even though you wanted to say anything else, ”I’m just-” New tears trickled down his face as he tried to suppress another sob to erupt his chest while his hand fell from your face. “I’m sorry”, he whimpered, lowering his head as suddenly all the alarm clocks in your head clicked on and let the urge to stay strong and keep a cool head for him to overcome the wild running emotions of pain. “No, no, don’t Negan…you don’t have to feel guilty, okay? Don’t do that…”, you said, trying to keep your voice as steady as you could as you reached out to him, softly cupping his face to lead it up until you could glance at him. “Okay?”, you mumbled again, brushing your thumbs over his cheeks to get rid of his tears and give him some soothing touches before you slowly saw him nod. “I love you”, you quietly mumbled as you leaned in, kissing him softly, hoping that it might calm him at least a tiny bit. “I love you too…I-” he mumbled against your lips, his voice breaking as new tears welled up in his eyes and throttled him. “Shh…It’s okay”, you mumbled, keeping your voice soft as you caressed his face even though you were fighting against the tears that tried to find their way into your eyes as well ,”It’s okay, Negan.” You gulped quietly before you pulled him back into your embrace and cradled him tightly, kissing the top of his head while you tried to not only calm him but yourself down so you could help him instead of breaking out in tears.
“We’ll calm down now and find a solution…okay?”, you quietly mumbled into his hair, nuzzling it as you cradled him tightly while small whimper left his lips. “There is no-” “There is”, you cut him off, softly but firm enough to sound persuading, hoping to shut down his negative thoughts,”I’m here, alright?” Your fingers ran through his hair, the tips still daubed with his blood as you caressed them over his scalp, teetering him softly back and forth while the feeling of new tears pressing against your skin let you rise your voice again. “Always.”
You weren’t sure how long you exactly stayed this way on the cold cement floor, his trembling body melted against yours, his face buried into the curve of your neck while you cradled and caressed him, trying to calm him further down while the constant shroud of tears in your eyes kept taunting you. Softly, you pressed another kiss to his hair, nuzzling your nose into his dark locks while your fingers suddenly touched the blood on his forehead again, letting you flinch slightly as you knew that you couldn’t stay this way forever. Who knew how often he had done that to himself, who knew what that could have as consequences. Hell, you needed to be strong now, you had to take care now and check him as well as you could and maybe distract him a little with treating his wound would help at least a tiny bit. “We…we need to get that cleaned up”, you eventually mumbled, gulping to get rid of the rest of the lump that had been lingering in your throat,”Alright? And then we’ll take it from there.”
Seeing Negan trying to lift his weakened body up and slumping himself over to the bed broke your heart all over again, the hurt glance in his eyes only contributing to it as you sat down on the squeaking mattress. Your hand patted his softly before you bent down, your still trembling fingers reaching past the thin book and the few magazines you had been able to bring him, even though it had taken a lot of persuasion and discussions with the guard. Finally, you got to the bit of medical utensils you had deposed here when you had still taken care of his cut wound before grabbing them and shifting back closer to him, enough to let him feel your closeness. “Okay, there we go”, you quietly mumbled as you sprinkled disinfection liquid onto a thin cloth, glancing softly at him before you carefully reached up to dab the cloth over his wound. Negan flinched slightly by the sting the disinfection was eliciting before lowing his head slightly to make it a little easier for you. It did, treatment wise, but hell, it also made it harder. With that, you saw the wound in all its gruesome glory. Saw what he had done to himself. A small gasp left your lips, almost sounding like a whimper you couldn’t suppress as a stream of light hit his wound, enlightening it as you tried to concentrate even though the voice in your head began to count how many times he must have bashed his head against the wall to get to this wound. Every time your mind added another bash a stinging pain shot through your body, making it harder for you to stay focused, making it easier for the tears that kept shrouding your eyes. It had to have been at least five times…if not more and you were afraid that there may be more injury lingering beneath the wound than your eyes could perceive. Another shivering breath left your lips as you tried to remove the blood before you felt Negan’s still slightly shaking hand reaching out to you. Lightly, it grasped yours that still rested on the mattress, squeezing it gently like it already had done so often when trying to comfort you in the past. Lowering your hand from his cleaned wound you laid the cloth next to the bed, just to reach up again and cup the side of his face to let him glance at you. For a moment, you were torn, unsure if you should ask him how often he had done this or let it be, avoiding the risk to well up pain and stress again that would ruin the bit of calmness he had achieved by now, especially because you weren’t sure if this information would be worth much in your hands. You decided for the latter, hoping that you could ask Siddiq later on to take care of his physical health and for now, trying to take care of what seemed much more urgent. His mental health. “I’m sorry you have to-”, you heard him mumble, his voice breaking in the end as you shook your head softly and brushed your thumb over his cheek. “Shh, it’s okay…it’s okay…don’t worry about me now”, you muttered, feeling how more thoughts pressed in on your mind, the rest of his talk with Michonne, or even more what had led to it, the hunger strike. An urge in you wanted to know about those things but you kept pressing them back, telling yourself that you should take care of them on the next morning, when the situation had calmed a little down and distanced itself. For now, there was only one thing that had directly led to his behavior and his breakdown, or at least it had been the one to trigger it and finally open the gate for all the darkness that had already so often tried to captivate him. God, you knew how much the bat meant to him, what kind of memories were stuck in it and not only that, but also what an emotional crutch it had been for him through the apocalypse and its troubles. You had to find a way to get her back, somehow.
You glanced back up again, looking with agony in your veins at the man in front of you who seemed like he was slowly breaking apart, giving in to the pressure that had been lingering over him over the last year and a half. It elicited a fear in you that crawled through your body, nestling in beneath your skin as you reached out to him and bit new forming tears back. “Come here”, you softly mumbled, shifting back onto the mattress until your could lean into the pillow and guide him closer to you. Within seconds he allowed himself to fall back into your embrace, bury his head into the curve of your neck as his large and tall frame huddled up to yours. You cradled him softly against your body, running your fingers through his hair, while your arm wrapped tightly around him as your mind spooled back to the reason for this all, just as much as the urge to help him. “I’ll try to find her-” “No”, he cut you off, his voice still coined by the sobs and whimpers from before as he rose his head from your shoulder for a moment and let his bleary but determined eyes glance at you ,”No, you won’t go out there for me when that shit herd’s roamin’ around.” You stared at him, unsure and a little desperate in what to do now before you breathed through and gulped softly, nodding as you knew that this wasn’t gonna be the way to go, at least not right now. You guided his head back into the curve of your neck, brushing over his hair before you sighed softly and tried to let your head work as well as it could in these moments, before you rose your voice again. “You know what? Maybe Michonne didn’t say the truth, maybe she’s still somewhere here. Maybe she just didn’t want you to know”, you said, keeping your voice as soothing as you could as he shifted slightly in your embrace. “You think that?”, he asked, his voice raspy as he nuzzled his face closer into your neck while a small ounce of hope seemed to create within the desperation that had taken hostage of his voice before. “I think it’s more than possible…why should they leave her behind when she’s one of the things they can have power over you with? I know that’s nothing great to hear…I know…but I’m sure they wouldn’t want to miss out on that opportunity”, you mumbled, not only to calm him but also because you felt like this could actually be true. There was much that could simply get lost, but something as powerful and meaningful as Negan’s bat? The possibility was small. “So yeah, I think she could still be here…”, you added as you could feel his breath growing a little steadier as you teased your fingers through his hair, pressing another kiss to his forehead as you leaned your head against his. “I love you, Negan…I love you so much”, you softly mumbled, feeling how the lump that was still lingering in your throat was pressing in on you again as you cradled him tightly and felt how your worry about him took some more charge over your body as the urge to just function was slowly vanishing A soft ‘I love you too’ was the only thing that got a tiny smile for a moment on your lips before new tears formed in your eyes as you nuzzled your nose into his hair and caressed him softly.
You kept cradling him, holding him tightly in your embrace until you felt him beginning to slowly relax, the exhaustion the sobs and the hunger strike had brought into him mixing with the bit of calmness you had been able to create. With the passing time, his breath grew steadier, his body melted against yours and his head sunk a little deeper into your neck until you could tell that he had fallen asleep by the time everything outside had turned pitch black. Just then, just when you were sure he was somewhere in the depths of sleep you allowed the tears that had lingered in your eyes to break out and roll down your cheeks, releasing the tension and pain that had been stuck in your body. You knew that you had to find a way to help him as soon as the sun would rise again, but right now a part of you was just thankful that he seemed to be at least swinging in a peaceful sleep. It was an odd mix of emotions that streamed through your body, fear and deep worry mixing with shock and a bit disbelief that still let part of this whole scene seem surreal while you quietly sniffled and tried to somehow handle the fact what he had done to himself hours before in just this cell. Eventually, your last tears dropped into his black locks as you closed your eyes and nuzzled his hair, hoping dearly that better days would await the both of you as you held him just as soothingly and tightly as he had held you in the last night.
Halloween Special & entry for @underatedcharactersunite “7 Minutes in Heaven” writing challenge! I had so much fun writing this so hopefully you’ll enjoy it too and check out the other works of the participating authors!🎃🖤
Summary: When the reader finally decided to follow Negan’s invitation to a halloween party, little did she know that an unexpected game would reveal more than just a surprising confession.
My prompt: “Bottle of Whiskey”
Music was echoing through the hallways, bouncing off the cold stone as it streamed through the air and filled up your way. You got closer to its source with each step you took as you fumbled nervously on the sleeves of the dress that was swinging around your body, soft, dark red fabric that felt blissfully on your skin. A shivering breath left your lips as you reached up, readjusting the hood of the dress a little bit and gulped quietly as you entered the next and last hallway before getting to your destination, the halloween party whose host had gifted you the exact dress that was engulfing your body in these moments. Its hood and the deep red color gave away the intended costume pretty fast, even though you could tell by the sumptuous fabric and its subtle style that it definitely hadn’t been just some costume you could buy in some shop before shit hit the fan, but rather a piece you could find in a pretty little boutique. You could still see Negan’s roguish grin when he had gifted it to you just days ago, telling you with a wink that you could take the dress as a personal way of his to invite you to the party. He had been gone as fast as he had come, giving you no chance to protest the luxurious gift or even give him an answer to the invitation. And till an hour ago, you hadn’t even known the answer yourself. You’d wanted to see him, if you were honest there was nothing else you wanted as much but you had your reasons for your doubts. You actually liked him, not directly because of his position as the strong leader but rather because of the things he said and did when he was around you. The visits on your work. The times he ate alone with you in the kitchen. The moments he spent with you during your breaks. And hell, so much more. And all of them filled with his odd but entertaining sense of humor, his charm, his roguish grin that kept dancing over his lips but also, and that was something that seemed to stay hidden from most people, his other, if you even dared to say so, softer sides. So his invite had for sure elicited an excited warmth within you and had kept a large smile on your face for the rest of the evening until you had fallen into your bed and old fears began to sneak up as soon as the light was shut down and darkness began to surround you. What if this all was just one sided and you were actually misinterpreting all of it? Negan was a charmer, a big one, and even though the feeling liked to sneak up in you to tell you that he might see something in you, there still was this little devil on your shoulder telling that you were just a nice time killer. Just as it told you that the dress you were wearing was no evidence for anything, he had six wives who were getting tons of those black dresses, one red one didn’t show anything. And those wives were just adding onto this, if you were honest, they were probably the main reason you doubted to come. Only the thought of him with them made you feel sick to the stomach, let alone the chance that you might have to see them swirling around him tonight. Your stomach tightened again in response to your train of thought, keeping the uneasiness in you alive as you felt the cold metal of the final door pressing into your palm. You could still always leave, right? With this last thought you breathed out and pushed the handle down, let the music hit you as the darkened room that was filled here and there with some colorful lights took you in. The door shut fell into its lock behind you as your eyes roamed through the room, along the people wearing provisory costumes and whose attention laid mostly on the drinks in their hands and the people around them that gave each of them a break from the cruel world outside. Your gaze wandered around the room, caught a strongly buzzed Simon rushing through groups of people as fast as his state let him while a loud laughter left his lips each time he tried to start a conversation with anyone in his way. Your eyes caught caught all this but no bunch of black dresses. A first bit of relief began to wash into you as your eyes began to double check, wandering over the faces of all the guests you could see but still, they weren’t here. And just as you allowed yourself to breath with a little more ease, your eyes caught the reason you were actually standing in this room. He sat alone at the bar, a glass of whiskey in his hand, the large, fancy looking bottle standing right next to him as he took another gulp of the amber liquid. He looked as breathtakingly handsome as ever, no doubt, even though his appearance was slightly changed for this night. He was all in black, his usual leatherjacket clinging to his broad shoulders, a black shirt underneath that was as dark as his pants and the boots that were free from any dried mud the days around the Sanctuary’s compound usually left on them. A pair of dark gray wolf ears was finishing his outfit, sticking right out of his black hair and letting him match more than ever the look of the big bad wolf. Much to your surprise he didn’t seem to enjoy the party as much as you had expected, his jaw was clenched beneath the salt and pepper beard that peppered his face as he swallowed the whiskey and stared over the edge of the glass into emptiness. Should you walk up to him? Or should you just wait until he noticed you? Just as this debate began to form in your head it got taken away from you as a pair of hazel eyes meet yours, glancing at you as they slightly widened and the frown that had pressed over his face got replaced by an excited grin. “There she is!”, you could hear him say, loud enough for you to hear it on the other side of the room while the glance in his eyes and the gravel of his deep voice elicited a whole other kind of warmth to wash into your body and let your cheeks light up.
You were thanking the dimmed light over and over again in those moments as you saw him pushing his tall frame away from the bar, grabbing the glass, the bottle of whiskey and his bat that was resting beside him before strutting over to you. You could tell by his walk that he’s had a good bit of the whiskey already, a little tipsy if you looked close enough even though the sound of his voice had still been steady, not a hint of slurring, differently to his second hand man who was still rushing through the room. “Hey there, doll”, Negan chuckled, the smirk spreading wider over his face as he let his tongue run over his lower lip as his eyes ran over your body and brought the heat in you to rise with each passing second, “Shit, you look hot as hell. Fuckin’ beautiful…knew it would look great on ya.” “Thanks”, you said, feeling a smile on your face growing as he nodded over to a nearby bar table, hinting at you to move over to its place in the corner of the room.
“Almost thought you wouldn’t come anymore”,you heard him mumble as soon as he had placed the bottle and the glass on the wooded surface and leaned back over to you. His voice wasn’t filled with any kind of accusation, rather a mix of relief and a bit disappointment sounding through its deepness before he lightened up again and rose his voice with another chuckle, “Whatever, doesn’t matter, you’re here now!” “You want something to drink? Can get ya anything you want. Hell, we can share this nice ass whiskey or I’ll get you some other shit…just think tequila and gin will be hard to get a damn grasp on, Simon’s watching like some fuckin’ broody hen over that crap”, he said, laughing quietly as he glanced over to Simon before looking back at you, his eyes nearly analyzing your face before he let out another throaty chuckle ,”But if you want hell, I’ll throw myself in a fight with him. Lucille’s thirsty too.” He grinned down to his bat as you let out a small laugh, feeling how you grew more and more comfortable, just like the tingling in your stomach did. “Oh, I bet she i-” “Aaaand our first pair is-”, you suddenly heard Simon slur loudly, darting your attention to his figure within a group of people, gesturing even more excessively than he usually did as he looked into the faces of his bystanders ,”Can I get some drum roll!” He laughed out, shoving up the sleeves of his shirt before he swung his arms around, until his fingertip ended up pointing right into your direction. “The big man and his-”, he grumbled, circling his finger as long as his drunk mind was searching for the right words before they blustered out of him,”His little red ridin’ hood” “What the hell’s that?”, Negan scoffed, turning around to his second hand man, the frown from before spreading over his features again in response to the sudden interruption. “Seven minutes in heaven”, Simon blurted out, grinning satisfied about his glorious drunk idea. “Come on Simon, we’re not in fuckin’ high school anymore”, Negan scoffed, running a palm over his salt and pepper beard as a growl left his lips. “You can play the advanced version too…if y’know what I mean, boss”, Simon drunkenly grinned, stepping a little closer as he suggestively raised his thick brows and nodded towards the door on the other side of the room, “Big bad wolf devours the red rid-” “Shut up”, Negan cut him growling off, shooting him a warning glare that Simon’s boozed brain didn’t seem to quiet get. “Come on, Boss man”, he grumbled, his curled fist nudging Negan’s leather call arms as you began to realize that Simon wouldn’t let it be. Another annoyed and helpless huff left Negan’s lips as he was looking at his second hand man who allowed himself way more than he’d ever do in a sober state. You grew more restless before you let out a sigh and reached out to Negan’s arm, letting your fingers grasp his sleeve to get his attention. “We can just go over, he’s drunk as fuck…I don’t think he’ll stop otherwise”, you mumbled as soon as his hazel eyes met yours in the dimmed light, raising his brows questionably. His glance wandered over you, not in the hungry, suggestive way you would usually expect, but rather testing, maybe even a little concerned: “That okay for you?” You nodded, even though the suggestive glances of the people surrounding Simon would be enough to give anyone doubt, no matter the fact that you knew Negan wouldn’t push you to anything if you agreed to go. Still, there was this odd tingling in your stomach that seemed to grow with each passing second before you caught Simon grinning at you. “Oh someone wanna gets fuc-” “Shut up, Simon or I swear I’ll rip that stupid mustache off your damn face”, Negan growled, his eyes piercing through the shorter man in front of him before he clenched his jaw and glanced back at you, “Lets get away from that drunk asshole.”
“Some damn crap…”, Negan mumbled as he walked after you into the faintly lighted room, his hands carrying the whiskey and his bat before he placed the bottle on the table in the middle of the room and leaned Lucille against its edge. “They probably expect me to fuck your brains out now”, a small snort left his lips before he looked at you, stopping abruptly as he got a little closer and and ran a palm over his jaw, noticing the way you looked at him.“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to…no fuckin’ pressure here. We can just sit down and sip that delicious whiskey.” You wanted to be close to him, of course you did, in one way or another, but not with this dumb game. There was a temptation lingering in its depths, the chance to at least feel his lips on yours, feel his hands running over your body but there was still something else holding you back, telling you that this wasn’t the way to go. Noticing your first hesitation he plopped down on the chair, taking the further decision from you as he nodded at the chair diagonally from his, only the table’s edge parting you. Sitting down you could see him reaching out to another clean glass on the table before he nudged it towards you and began to pour some whiskey into both of your glasses, sipping on its amber liquid as soon as he could get a grasp on it. “Why did you come so late?”, he asked after a short moment of silence, licking the liquor from his lips before his hazel eyes met yours again, “That’s no fuckin’ accusation…just wondering.”
Didn’t want to take the chance to see your tarted up wives wiggling around you and risk throwing up if I had to see you leaving with them.
That’s what was rushing through your head, but it wasn’t leaving your mouth, in no way you were gonna just give that away and make yourself look like some desperate little fool in front of him. So instead you cupped the fancy glass in your hands, played nervously around its sharp cut edges and decided to tell the best fitting alternative you could bring up that was still filled with truth, even though not so specific. “Wasn’t sure if that was my place to be.” “Didn’t give you that great ass dress for nothing”, he said back as soon as your voice had hushed, sipping on the whiskey with a small grin as he gestured swiftly at the red fabric engulfing your body. “Hmm?”, he mumbled, taking another thick gulp of his whiskey as you gulped, unsure if you should tell the truth this time. You glanced up at him, giving him a little helpless smile as you knew that by the moments that had passed by now you had to tell before you raised your voice, more bittersweetness mixing into it than you liked. “You got six wives you give tons of dresses to. It’s nothing someone can be smug about…that’s nothing special.” “Well, you are”, he startled you with his quick answer as he suddenly began to glance down at his glass and the bottle beside it, turning quieter and more hesitant while a wave of surprise and warmth rushed through your veins,”They’re not here for a reason. Didn’t want them here…with you.” You could feel your mouth beginning to gap softly open in surprise as you stared at him, still not sure if that what had just left his lips was real or just a ridiculous mirage, meant to trick you and show you what you longed for only to turn out to vanish into thin air. “Now who do you think did I throw this party for?”, Negan said, raising his brows as if he was astounded by your astonishment. “But why-?”, just left your lips, your voice soft and still filled with surprise as you glanced at him and caught the way his eyes began to slowly burn into yours. “Heard you talking ‘bout it to that guy on a run…just wanted to give you a lil’ treat”, he mumbled, glancing down as the big bad wolf suddenly seemed not as pumped up with confidence as usual, but rather unsure of what was to come next. For a moment, you put your surprise and the warmth his words had elicited back, remembering the conversation with the younger Savior. You could still hear him pointing out that the 31th was coming soon, how you had told each other what you had done on Halloween with friends or even family, swinging for a moment in nostalgia, even if it was just short and briefly. All that but you had never thought Negan had noticed. “Know how important those fucking memories can be…or at least that what we can carry with us into this shithole of a world”, he interrupted your train of thought as you caught him glancing for the split of a second down to his bat before a small bittersweet chuckle left his lips, “Wasn’t even the answer to your question, huh?” You said nothing, not because of his question, but because you were still astounded by him, by what he had done for you. That wasn’t just some dirty remark or compliment he was whispering in your ear to charm you or show you his interest, that man had organized all this in the room next door just because he thought you would like it. That wasn’t just something flirty, that was a big heartfelt gesture you had never expected to experience again. And you dumbass had almost not come. Hell, now you could understand his questions, the small remark about thinking you wouldn’t show up anymore, and you began to feel terrible about it. “Fuck, you make me nervous like some fuckin’ teenage boy”, he suddenly chuckled, the things the whiskey was doing to him slightly showing in his glance and the way his laugh rumbled through his broad chest ,”Now that’s something you can be fucking smug about.” “Fuck…I’m talking too much…fuckin’ whiskey”, he said the next moment, shaking his head as he ran his palm over his beard and stared down at the liquid in his glass. “No…it’s fine”, you softly mumbled before you gulped slightly,“I didn’t tell you the whole answer to your question either.” Negan’s brows perked up, curiosity and a little surprise twinkling in his eyes as you gave yourself another push. “I didn’t want to see them with you”, you grumbled, leaving his glance to nervously switch to the large bottle of whiskey that was ,”That’s why.” “Really?”, you heard him say, the slight astonishment in his voice letting you glance back a him while his signature grin began to finally spread back over his lips. “Don’t even think about teasing me ‘bout it”, you mumbled, loosing up as you chuckled quietly and nudging his knee slightly beneath the table while you caught his grin growing wider. “Don’t worry”, he grumbled, chuckling throatily as his large hand reached out to yours and gave it a soft but teasing squeeze, before he took another gulp of his whiskey and nodded toward you,“You can tease me back too. Gave you the best fucking content for that crap.” “Hmm”, you mumbled in approval, grinning and softly chuckling as a pleasant and excited cocktail of emotions rushed through your veins that just got intensified as Negan’s hand kept cupping yours, his thumb slowly brushing over the hand of your back. “But thank you…for this all”, you mumbled as you slowly glanced up into his eyes,”And sorry for coming so late, I just-” “No need to thank me and don’t you be sorry, you couldn’t know. Planning was a little fucking off…my ass just had to get fuckin’ used to doing that kinda stuff again…for someone”, he mumbled stopping for a moment before he glanced back at you,”And like I said, you’re here, that’s fucking all that matters.” A smile mixed into the grin on your lips as the genuineness in his voice just let the warmth flowing through your body grow and made you feel how your cheeks began to glow. To your surprise, instead of making another remark he just let out another chuckle, glanced for a moment at your intertwined hands before his eyes captured yours again, keeping them locked to his while it suddenly became completely quiet in the room, only the music and voices of the people next door sounding softly through to you. You could feel the tension growing in the air, spanning in between you as his touch and his glance let the growing warmth seep into every of your cells, only letting your longing for him become larger.
“Two minutes left…”, Simon suddenly yelled drunkenly through the door, eliciting a growl to fall from Negan’s lips as he atmosphere in the room got suddenly broken off by his second hand man. “You’re not answering ‘cause you’re balls deep i-” “Oh shut the fuck up, Simon”, Negan angrily growled, glaring at the door as he stood up, grabbing his bat just to swing it against the door’s wood, successfully silencing and chasing Simon away. As you turned around, trying to get a better look at the door your eyes caught Negan’s hand reaching out to you, offering you a help to get back on your feet. Sliding your hand into his, the warmth was back there, the longing was flaring up once more as he lifted you with ease on your feet, letting you land right in front of him, only a few inches parting you. The sudden movement let the hood of your dress fall back, landing softly on your back as your eyes first met Negan’s again, catching his glance burning into you as he quietly chuckled. “Shit, let me get that for ya”, he grumbled, reaching up and around your neck to grasp the hood and place it over the back of your head once more. “Damn…”, he grumbled, leaving his hands at the side of your face, his eyes nearly analyzing it as the ran over your features. “Alright, two more minutes till we’re out…”, he mumbled, his glance still as intense as before until they landed back to lock with yours, “Hell, we can just wait it out, unless you-” He stopped, the hunger spreading further over his face as it elicited the heat to rise in your body, unlocking more of the yearning you were feeling for him and the urge to finally feel his lips on yours. “We can try, right?”, you suddenly softly mumbled, surprised by yourself as your emotions were taking charge, overpowering any doubtful thoughts and talked for you, creating a flickering in Negan’s eyes that let the butterflies in your stomach go wild. “Yeah, we can fuckin’ try”, he grumbled back, his hands finally cupping your face as he leaned down, his hot breath brushing over your skin until his lips finally captured yours. The tingling warmth and smokiness the whiskey was leaving on his lips mixed pleasantly with his own taste as his lips caressed over yours, testing at first, as if a small part of him expected you to still pull away. But instead you sunk into him, felt yourself melting into his touch while deep growls rumbled through his chest as you carefully placed your hands over his leather jacket, its smooth surface brushing against his fingertips. Negan’s careful caresses turned quickly stronger, their growing intensity elicited a content hum to travel up your throat as his large and warm hands slowly left your cheeks and wandered down until his arms could wrap around your waist and pull you flush against his tall frame. You ran your fingers up until they tangled into his dark hair, brushing past the thin headband that was holding his wolf ears up while you took in every little piece he gave you, every little caress, growl and touch. His beard stubble softly tickled your skin as he sunk further into the kiss, taking you right along with him into a trance that made you after all slowly realize that this all was actually happening, this all was real. Eventually, your lips slowly parted, urged away from each other by the growing need for oxygen even though you still remained close, his lips hovering over yours as his hot breath brushed over your skin. “Hot damn…”, his deep voice lowly grumbled, letting your cheeks glow some more up before a certain drunk voice boomed through the door again. “You done, boss man? Seven minutes are over…prob’ly by far already…can’t tell anymore”, Simon slurred with a quiet laugh eliciting a growl to fall from Negan’s lips, his face turning slightly as if he was preparing for another snapping remark until your voice made him halt. “Just let him talk”, you mumbled, the smile he had put on your lips becoming everlasting as you caught how the grin that began to replace the frown and his eyes captured yours once more as his tongue ran slowly over his lower lip. “Now how ‘bout we grab that nice ass whiskey, some of those corny ass halloween muffins and get our asses outta here…can think of a better place to continue”, he mumbled as he leaned in, pecking your lips as the longing in you let you hum in approval against his lips. “That a fuckin’ yes?”, he chuckled as he backed just a little away, enough for you to look into his eyes and see the playful way his brows perked up, close enough to still feel his hot breath on your skin. Feeling how he pulled you closer, the warmth and the realization that your wished were finally on their way to come true spread out in your body before you slowly began to nod. “Yes.”
(The gif isn’t mine/ I found it on google so credits to the original owner)
The soft sun light was streaming into the cell, dipping it into a warm light that had the power to soften even the cold stone walls surrounding you. Your eyes were only half opened, your body not ready to fully come back yet as you shifted closer into the warmth by your side, taking in the comforting scent that was engulfing you as the figure holding you began to shift slightly. He was still asleep, swinging somewhere far away as your head turned slightly, moving a bit from the comfortable spot on his broad chest to let your eyes run over his peacefully sleeping face. He still looked as handsome as ever, enough to take your breath away and keep you in a certain trance, but still, it was obvious what the cell had done to his appearance by now. His beard had grown longer, the salt slowly beginning to dominate the pepper while his hair remained black as pitch, even though it was shorter than usual, still coined by the last time they had cut it. It had been a year and a couple of months by now. A year and a couple of months in which a whole lot had happened. Just shortly after the day you had come back to the cell things had began to truly develop. Maggie had given birth to a little boy who was now carrying the name of his grandfather and just around this time things had began to truly change around Alexandria. It was thriving. The windmill that had been in planing back then was now standing tall within the walls that were stronger than ever. The houses and the church had been rebuild, shining brightly and not showing a sign of the flames that had once torn them apart. Several cropfields were planted all over Alexandria, nourishing it and the other communities including the Sanctuary with all they could provide, ranking from deep red and tasty tomatoes to luscious and juicy apples. There truly seemed to be peace for now, there was still a certain tension swinging here and there in the air, but coming from a spot where each of the sides were ready to rip each other apart, this seemed like something impossible beginning to become possible. Things would be great, if only Negan’s freedom would be one of them. You would be lying if you would say the cell was easy to deal with, even though he had overcome the first obstacles along with you, you could see how much it tried to impact him. One day, you still hoped he’d get out and get the chance to show that there was more to him than what the people were thinking and maybe, maybe find the right way to his good intentions that you were sure lingered within him.
With a content hum you nuzzled your nose into the warmth of his neck, feeling how the slight imprint of his scar was brushing against your skin as you pressed your lips softly to it, hearing how it elicited a small, pleasant growl to fall from Negan’s throat. “Mornin’ Baby”, he grumbled, tightening his arm that had lazily rested around your waist, pulling you closer into his warmth as his lips pressed a sloppy morning kiss to your temple. ”Morning”, you mumbled, back burying your head deeper in the curve of his neck, neither ready nor willing to get up yet. ”Wanna hide in that damn beard?”, Negan throatily chuckled, his hand moving to teasingly squeeze your waist as you just gave him a sleepy grumble back. ”Hmm, thought you were excited for that damn bridge.” The bridge. Once made to be able to carry the cars and trucks of people rushing to their woks through the woods had over the draining time of abandonment let nature take most of it. And out of all times it began to fall apart now when it was actually being used again, needed just like the other routes to transport supplies to the other communities. It had been already 35 days since the project had started and most of the time you had switched between Alexandria and the quarter of tents they had build up there, helping Siddiq in the provisory infirmary. But now that Enid was joining in, trying to help as well with her new learned knowledge, you were needed right at the pulsing spot of the bridge, right on the stems to help building it, at least for now. Negan was right in some way, you were excited to get out of that tent for once, but there were other factors greatly playing in. After all, you weren’t the only one on that bridge, new and old faces were swarming over it as well and especially this one old one gave you chills. Daryl. With the most of them, things were beginning to work out. You were growing closer to Rick and Michonne again, were earning most of their trust back, just like Gabriel, Aaron’s and some of the others. There were a few that were still showing you the cold shoulder whenever you were close to them and by now, these people weren’t letting you care all too much. You didn’t like it, but you weren’t gonna push yourself onto people and make yourself a fool. You neither had to be everybody’s darling nor did you have to please each and everyone. But Daryl, yes Daryl was the only one of those you really wished to have back. Dryly said you could “coexist”, you could be at the same place without him going off like a firework at new years eve but except for his grumbles, you hadn’t exchanged one proper word. If you were honest, you feared that one or just a couple of words from yours towards him would let that rocket explode after all. But those thoughts were drifting off in these moments as you cuddled closer into Negan’s embrace, eager to soak up the last bit of his comfort until you had to abandon the bed eventually. ”Don’t wanna leave yet”, you grumbled against his skin with a light chuckle, hearing a throaty one rumbling back in response as he wrapped his arms tighter around your body and pulled you closer until his lips moved in to press another drowsy kiss to your skin. ”Then I’ll just keep ya here”, he chuckled lowly, his raspy voice vibrating against your skin before you lifted your head slowly from his shoulder and glanced sleepily at him. ”Could think of some plans”, he grumbled, raising his brows suggestively as his drowsy hazel eyes glanced at you, his lips formed into the signature grin while you let out a small laugh and shoved his chest playfully. ”Oh, I’m sure of that.”
“Take care, alright?”, Negan grumbled just a little bit later as he stood with you in the middle of the cell, holding you in his arms after you had finally gotten yourselves to slip out of the bed and get ready. He was keeping you close, his hazel eyes wandering over your face as a wider smirk let the muscles in his cheek twitch. “Need you back in that bed tonight”, he added lowly, a grin dancing over his handsome features as his hand ran down your body to give your ass a tight squeeze before a throaty chuckle left his lips as he caught you flinching slightly in response. “Nah, I’m serious”, he mumbled as he tipped in to press a short kiss to your lips before you gave him a small nod. “I know, but it’s just the bridge, not the same as taking care of wounds and stuff but it’s still fine”, you muttered back, running your hands from his shoulders to his neck, caressing your fingers through his dark hair at the nape of his neck while a pleasant growl elicited his lips. His lips met yours in another peck, just until he pulled away, gulping slightly as he remained close enough for you to feel his hot breath brushing over your skin. “Fuck, I-”, he began, before his voice suddenly broke off again, leaving you confused as you leaned closer in. “Hmm?”, you mumbled against his lips, feeling him pulling you closer as the grin got back on his lips. “Can’t fucking wait till you’re back”, he grumbled with a throaty chuckle, teasingly squeezing your waist before he finally leaned back in, giving in to the longing you were feeling too. Just as soon as his lips captured yours again, the heavy footsteps of the guard coming down the cement stairs echoed through the cell, slowly but surely inducing your departure for the day.
The sun was shining brightly down on you as you found yourself kneeling just hours later on the bridge, your mind drifting here and there off to Negan as your knees dug into the wood of the stem, monotonically hitting nails deeper into lumber as people were swarming around you to fulfill their tasks. One of them was Daryl, doing his job as always while he remained close enough for you to see him from the corners of your eyes, leaving your body always in at least a bit alertness. He wouldn’t angrily approach you out of nowhere, you were past that point, still, his presence wasn’t exactly giving contributing to any calmness that tried to spread out in your body. Trying to ignore the tension as much as you could you shifted a little bit away from the pile of sand by your side that chafed uncomfortably against any bit of skin that was exposed before you went in for another hit. ”D’you want some water?”, Henry’s voice echoed through to you as the dull thud the hammer produced mixed within the other noises around you. Within seconds you glanced up, catching him standing with a big trunk of water in his hands by your side, reaching a cup down to you. ”Yeah, sure”, you said, pressing a smile into the corners of your lips as you grabbed the cup, filling it quickly with water before letting the cold liquid wash down your throat with relish. ”Thanks”, you mumbled as soon as you gave the cup back to the boy, seeing him grabbing it quickly before he moved on with his job for today. Just as you went back to working, dedicating your attention to the nails and lumber in front of you a loud thud and the sound of a male voice made your eyes snap up. Your glance caputred Henry struggling on the ground, his back pressing against the bridge’s wood as Justin towered over him, the jug in his hands as he drank from its opening, completely ignoring anybody around him. Your eyes wandered from the Savior to Henry who was getting up again from the punch he must have taken in, his brows puckered and his face fallen into a deep frown as he grabbed his stick, tightening his hold on it before rushing it against the weakest spots of Justin’s knees, swinging him right to the ground in the matter of seconds. Your eyes stayed darted at him, just like the ones of everyone else, bewildered of what he’d done as you let out a scoff, watching how most of the people began to go back to their work as soon as Henry began to storm off and another Savior walked up to Justin instead, quirking an eyebrow mockingly. ”Hey man, it’s cool I got my ass handled by a kid once too…’course I was six at that time”, he mocked, chuckling as Justin groaned, struggling to get up while a harsh frown spread over his face, increasing with every word that flew more out of his fellow Savior’s mouth. Clenching your jaw uneasily you stared at the scene playing out in front of you, seeing how the anger began to build up more and more in Justin before he let out a growl and got up, pushing himself past the other man, his eyes darting darkly at Henry. You could feel the urge in you rising to do something, keep that dumbass from hurting a kid but before any of your thoughts could be turned into action, fast footsteps sounded over the surface of the bridge, letting it vibrate beneath them before you saw Daryl’s figure rushing towards Justin. ”Hey! Kid’s just doin’ his job”, you could hear Daryl grumble, grabbing the Savior’s arm to turn him around to him, “Get back to work.” ”I don’t need you people telling me what to do. You ain’t my babysitter anymore”, he growled in response, glaring at Daryl as the anger vibrated through his voice and seemed to rush even further through the air, even as he began to turn around again, heading towards the kid. With each step he got closer to your spot on the bridge as you suddenly saw Daryl grabbing the Savior’s shoulder, trying to stop him before Justin turned around, his face flushing in a bright red as his fist rushed towards Daryl, letting your heart skip a beat even as he dug quickly, moving away from the oncoming fist. It could be only seconds that past as you watched the scene right in front of you, not more than one, two meters away from you, seeing how Daryl stormed up from his lowered position, his fist rushing right towards the man’s face in front of him. A gasp left your lips as you watched him falling back, landing right next to you in the large pile of sand, groaning out in anger and pain while he didn’t even seem to notice you, his rilled up anger only letting him concentrate on his opponent. Rage spread over Justin’s whole face as his fury eyes kept darting at Daryl, just as yours travelled down, watching his hand grabbing into the sand, burying into it enough to catch a whole handful. It was only a second that past between thinking and doing, between your mind working flat out and telling you that this handful of sand would land in Daryl’s face if you wouldn’t do anything and your hand eventually reaching out, grabbing the Savior’s wrist, letting your fingers wrap around it with as much strength as you could bring up. ”Get the fuck away”, Justin growled out the moment he felt your fingers touching his skin, his eyes suddenly darting at you, the pure fury letting a shiver run down your spine before the corners of your eyes caught something rushing up. A duil pain suddenly spread out over the side of your head, knocking you right to the ground as your sight turned blurry for a moment until your head crushed against something hard behind you, eliciting a breathy groan to fall from your lips as you gritted your teeth in pain. Your eyes were squeezed tight as if they could mild the anguish seeping into every of your inches before you opened your eyes again, catching an empty spot next to you on the pile of sand. Instead, voices and groans darted your still blurry glance farther, your rapidly pounding head dulling out everything around you as you finally caught the two fighting men again and the people that began to neglect their tasks and instead watch the scene that was playing out in front of their eyes. It seemed like everything you saw was switching rapidly between slow motion and fast play as you tried to keep your mind from clouding just before the bridge began to vibrate beneath another pair of feet. It took seconds until your eyes caught Rick storming into the broil, your mind becoming clearer again, rallying and recovering itself from the punch as you tried to prop yourself on your hands, keep yourself steady as you caught from the corners of your eyes how the two men were torn away from each other. Voices were still mixing wildly with one another before Rick’s voice suddenly pitched out, “Enough! I said enough!” The voices were becoming lower, just quiet grumbles sounding through to you from the background as you saw Daryl moving past Rick, spitting blood to the ground while his face was caught by the anger that was still boiling within him. ”Get back to work!”, Rick huffed, a scoff leaving his lips as he turned around, finally capturing you on the ground, still struggling to get back. ”What the hell happened with her?”, Rick called out, stumbling towards you as you groaned quietly in pain, starting another try to get yourself to sit straight. ”She got in the way”, you heard Justin yell back from somewhere in the group of people that had held him back, letting an even harder frown spread over Rick’s already tense face. ”You gotta be-”, he scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief as he turned his back completely to Justin and instead shuffled towards you, sighing deeply as his eyes wandered over you and his hands reached out to your body. ”Lets get you away here.”
Your feet shuffled over the dirty makeshift paths in-between the tents, feeling how Rick slung his arm a little tighter around your waist to keep you propped up, not trusting you to keep yourself properly on your feet. Your head was still pounding, supporting the dizziness that was seeping into your skull and limbs as you glanced over to Rick by your side. ”Thanks”, you mumbled as you saw him nodding slightly before he turned slightly glancing closely at you. ”Is it bad?” ”It’s getting better, I guess”, you mumbled, trying to walk as much as you could by yourself before he gave you a small nod and glanced back to the tents, trying by all means to avoid crashing into any of them or the wood they were attached to. ”Gonna get you to Siddiq, think he’s still there…if it’s too bad I want you to go back home with him”, Rick mumbled, writhing you along the path as you looked in front of you, already recognizing the improvised infirmary tent from afar.
”No concussion, but you definitely shouldn’t go back out there today”, Siddiq grumbled as you found yourself siting on a cot after he had tried to examine you as well as he could in the tent. ”So she’s going back with you?”, Rick asked from the other side of the small room as he leaned against a steady shelf, gesturing at you as Siddiq glanced from you back to him. ”Yeah, think that’s the best. Wouldn’t make much sense keeping her here…and I got some kinda meds back home I think that could help her with those smaller symptoms”, Siddig said, reaching up to run his hand for a short moment over his jaw while Rick nodded tensely. ”Alright.” ”She can stay here too till I take off, got not many patients here today so that won’t be much of a problem”, the younger man said, collecting few of his utensils he had used before shuffling over to the other other side, shoving them back into their place in a drawer while you caught Enid watching you from the side of the tent. ”Good…well, see you…gotta take care of a whole other problem…and you, get better, okay?”, Rick grumbled as he glanced at you, before scoffing as you could read off his face that he’d have to go through the fight on the bridge all over again with its source.
As soon as Rick was gone, time began to pass slowly, you stayed alone in the tent after Siddiq and Enid left to take care of some people around the camp, sitting on the cot, trying to stay still and let your body fight against the dizziness. You glanced outside, leaning into the few pillows on the cot until your eyes caught a shadow dragging over the earthy ground that got closer with each second. First, you expected Siddiq to walk right back in, get some new salves or bandages but instead your heart skipped a beat as you caught the person belonging to the shadow standing in front of the tent’s entrance. “Just here ‘cause Carol pushed me”, he grumbled, his eyes darting at you through his straggly brown hair as he forced himself to step under your surprised glance farther into the tent, his glance wandering to the ground as he kept a good bit of distance between the both of you. You caught your own lips gaping slightly open in wonderment, your mind still trying to get that he was actually coming in, taking a step towards you. Of course it wasn’t all too voluntary, the way his body tensed displayed it as much as his words did but a year ago, even Carol wouldn’t have gotten him to speak just a single word with you. “So-”, he mumbled, shifting with his dirty and worn off boots from side to side as he still refused to look directly into your eyes, “Thanks.” His voice clearly showed the challenge he was overcoming to speak this word out but still, within all the tension that was stuck in your body a little relief began to sneak up in you. “No problem”, you mumbled softly after a few moments of silence, unsure what to exactly say as Daryl slowly nodded, his hands twitching slightly through the restlessness that steamed visibly through him before he finally glanced up at you. “Why’d you do it?” “Should I’ve just let him throw that sand at you?”, you asked, the quickest response leaving your lips in tension before you caught yourself again and raised your voice calmer, gulping as you could feel yourself growing more tense ,”Didn’t want you to get hurt.” A thick scoff left Daryl’s lips, his eyes darkening within seconds as the suspense in him rose, letting his jaw clench tightly as his lips pursed in anger. “He hurt me too, hurt glenn, abraham…maggie… and ya still with him”, he growled, eliciting a shudder to run down your back as the temperature in the tent seemed to lower until it reached the freezing point ,”Don’t act like you give a shit.” “Are you kidding me? I do-”, it broke out of you, emotions whirling up again before you tried to get them back under control as soon as you stopped mid sentence, looking at him, sighing quietly as long known pain spread out in your body,”Why can’t we for once talk like normal people?” “Think the reason’s sittin’ in that cell”, Daryl growled back, shutting your calm argument down within seconds before he huffed out and leaned back against the table behind him, obviously trying to get himself under control. You weren’t even sure if he was trying to keep his cool for you, you actually highly doubted it, instead it felt more like he had given Rick or rather Carol a promise to try. “I care, I really do”, you mumbled, a little helpless and unsure how to go on, else than trying to reassure that you were being genuine. “Seems like you care more about that prick”, he snapped back, the control he seemed to have tried to maintain visibly vanishing as you let out a small sigh. “Daryl-” “But be sure that there’s nothin’ gonna come back from him on the long run”, he growled, cutting you right off as he pushed himself away from the table and stepped a little closer,”He ain’t gonna love ya or some shit. That asshole, all he cares ‘bout is that damn bat.” The words leaving his lips were as sharp as a hunting knife, underlined by the growl that was just growing thicker while you knew that he was slowly falling back into the old scheme and that was a dirty one. Once he had stepped over this certain line, not much was able to hold him back, and especially not you. “He’d switch ya for it any time without battin’ an eye”, he spat out, his eyes glaring at you through the strands of hair hanging into his redder growing face while your body grew tense, seeing how he waited for the pain to spread over your face. He wanted to hurt you with those words, make you feel his anger and disappointment that was boiling deeply within him, and you knew it. You knew what their only purpose was and still it struck a small cord within you, even though you were determined to not show him. So you stayed still on the cot, hearing how he let out an angry snort as he shook his head about you, growling as his words began to rush repeatedly through your head. One last time he glanced at you before he turned around and stomped out of the tent, without being held back by you. If you knew it would help, even just a tiny bit, you would have tried to, but right now you knew more than with a hundred percent certainty that any reaction of yours would just make it worse and probably catapult you to the state back you’ve had more than a year ago. And that was one of the last things you could need. So you remained silent on the cot, glancing outside, watching the sun stream in beams through the roof the tree’s crowns were creating while slowly but surely Daryl’s words began to let their effect act on you. Negan had never said those three words to you, at least not yet, but so hadn’t you, even though you did feel it. You loved him. You loved him with all you had, more than you had ever thought being capable of and even though you couldn’t pinpoint a moment of realization, you knew it had been a long while already. If you were going back in time, skipped through all these events you had gone through with him, you knew you had already loved him when you had held him beneath that tree on the hill in your arms, sobbing and covered in his blood, afraid to lose him forever. And from that point on it had just gotten stronger. Those words had rushed through your mind several times already, more than you admitted to yourself. In the mornings, when he was all drowsy, pulled you deeper into his embrace, kissed your temple and let you drown into his scent and warmth for another five minutes. During the day, when something happened and all you wanted to do was show him or at least tell him about it. When you came back from work in the evenings and could finally fall into his arms again and let him take you in. When he made you laugh with the odd sense of humor he had and the roguish grin that danced over his lips when he attempted to tell you yet another one of his dirty jokes he was dragging into an unbelievable length with tons of colorful and way too descriptive details. When he was panting above you, kissing you feverishly and filling you up with the pleasure only he could give you. And eventually when you cuddled up to him in the night and felt him tucking you in along with him, slinging his arms protectively around your body before letting you drift into a deep sleep. Those were just a few of the moments you caught those words sneaking up in your throat, pressuring you to let them flow from your lips even though you had stopped them each time till now. And you had your reasons. You weren’t completely sure if he was ready to say it back and the last thing you wanted was to push him. You wanted to hear those words when he was ready for it, when he felt like saying them and not because he felt obligated to because you had told him. After all, showing someone you loved them was even more important than just words, and that was definitely something you both did, still, it would be a blunt lie if you’d say you hadn’t thought about telling him anyway, knowing that he deserved to hear them. It was an ever running circle of wanting to tell him and not knowing if you should, as you deeply down knew that you were simply thinking too much about it and were making it more complicated than it actually was. You let out a small huff, fumbling a little uneasy on one of the loose threads that were poking out of the seam of your pants as you refused to let any of the other things Daryl had said come too close, knowing how hurtful they would turn out to be if you would let them take your mind and feelings hostage. No matter how untrue they were. Sighing you leaned back, shutting your eyes for a moment, fighting the dizziness that was still keeping your body in its claws before the singing of the birds and the soft swishing of the trees in the wind outside began to relax you. Just as you began to drift off, feel how your body slumped into the pillows behind you, Siddiq’s voice ripped you out of the trance you were falling into. “(Y/N)? We’re taking off.”
He should have told her this morning. He really should have grabbed himself by his own damn balls and just get those words over his lips instead of breaking his voice off like some damn flop and tell her the other first thing that came to his mind. But shit, he wasn’t good with that kinda crap. He could swing big ass speeches with the most ease, put the magic of effectively swinging his dick into the right words but these three words, they were a whole different challenge, larger than he liked to admit. The reason wasn’t that he didn’t fully feel it, hell no, that was definitely not the issue here. He felt all of that crap, from this specific kind of warmth she elicited within him to that feeling he had with her that made a nut busting orgasm look like some lousy fucker. And if he was honest, he was feeling it clearer and more intense than ever before and if he wanted to sink even deeper into some goddamn sappiness, whatever it was he had with her, that shit was some kinda once in a lifetime thing. Finding each other in the circumstances they had and especially staying and growing even closer to the other one within the harder times that followed, that really had to be some special shit. So what was exactly his goddamn problem? It shouldn’t be that hard, right? He was feeling it, that much that his damn heart felt like it had a massive, pulsing and rock hard boner on a full time basis, so why couldn’t he let that damn boner cum and let those words spurt out of his mouth? He had told her other things, things he’d put right on the same level as those fucking three words, still, they seemed to be something different, something like a milestone that couldn’t be compared to anything else. If he looked closely, forced himself to drown deeper into his own mind and feelings, he knew that there were some reasons that would stay hidden from him, while others were literally shown to him, a bit fear and maybe even some guilt were right there on that silver plate his mind presented him. Most of it was utter bullshit, he knew it, but that didn’t make any of it easier. He sometimes did felt guilty, keeping Lucille in mind and the things he had fucked up back then, the things he had screwed up on his first try. He had loved her, he really had. He hadn’t carried the bat around with him and now wished and longed to have it back with him in the cell for nothing and everything it stood for still had a large impact on him, having given him so much strength and protection over all this time. He’d give so much to have it back, his dirty girl, let his hands grab the smooth wood and swing it through the air, preferably to end up hitting some of the sorry fuckers outside or hell, just lean it next to his bed like he had done it before the time in this hellhole. It was all that he had left from before. He knew where the bat was, probably locked up in the armory or so, and he also painfully knew that the real person was still laying on that hospital floor, nothing more than skin and bones. But shit, if there really was some kind of heaven, he hoped the real Lucille would be up there with someone who deserved her and fucked her brains out and back in on a daily basis. If that was the damn case, she’d probably be looking down on him right now, shaking her head and crossing her arms, wondering what he was waiting for. Hell, he was even sure she’d like the shit out of (Y/N), someone who was getting him back from all the shit he had done and let him finally feel like he was alive again. He hadn’t done it right at his first try, at least not until the last time he’s had with her, so he couldn’t do the same thing with his second, no matter if there was some fear that she might not say it back. He just had to make it right now. This time, he had to be the one she deserved. He had to tell her.
The time that had passed on your drive back to Alexandria and eventually the tablet Siddiq had given you in the infirmary had done their job, helping you to deal with the dizziness and the pain that still let your head pound. Walking still wasn’t your favorite thing to do in these moments and you could still hear Siddiq telling you to lay down as soon as you could so your body could take a proper break, but there was a certain place you had to get to to finally do that. “Oh there he comes again…bringing me that shit ass food, huh? Little early today, aren’t ya?”, you eventually heard Negan say with a little tease but mostly a huff in his voice as you found yourself walking along with his guard down the cement stairs into the cellar until you reached the bars of his cell and let his glance turn utterly confused.
“What happened?”, he asked only minutes later as you stood in the cell, heard the guards footsteps descending again while his hands were cupping your face carefully, his eyes examining you worriedly. “Dumb fight on the bridge…not between me or someone…just got pulled into it”, you mumbled, feeling how his thumb began to brush in a caressing manner over your cheek while you tried to put the day properly into words. “You know what? You get your sweet ass on that bed and tell me then all about that crap…don’t need you to crock up”, he said, his voice gentle but still firm as well as you glanced at him, painfully seeing the concern washing over his face. “It’s not that bad anymore-” “No discussion. Know what you’re doing there”, he cut you off, his eyes keeping yours on lock as he let out a small sigh, “Sweet as fuck that you don’t want my ass to worry but I can’t have that. So lets take this to the bed.”
The mattress that showed all other times how old and cheap it was felt now soothing to your body as soon as you began to sink into it and the pillow Negan had quickly leaned against the wall to give your back a little support. As you began to talk he shifted uneasily next to you, his eyes still filled with concern as you told him about the fight between Justin and Daryl, your rather involuntary participation in it, Siddiq’s diagnosis for you and eventually your talk with Daryl. You told him everything as he kept asking for details, especially as soon as you reached what Siddiq had told you to do to get better as soon as possible, and you kept telling him everything until the latter of all these events. The first part of your conversation flew out of your mouth without being stopped, the push Carol had given him, the more or less meant ‘thanks’, even the part as he began to accuse you of lying about caring for him, but as soon as you had passed this part, your voice began to stall. “What did he say?”, Negan grumbled as soon as he caught the reluctance in your eyes and noticed the increasing breaks in your voice. You glanced at him, saw the concern mixing with restlessness within his eyes as he loosened his puckered brows up to rise them questionably. “He said you wouldn’t care on the long run”, you mumbled, as you felt your voice stalling again, “And…you’d choose the bat over me any time.” You knew there was one other thing Daryl had said, the one thing you had racked your head over before departing from the camp side, but this was something that as always didn’t make it to travel past your tightening throat. Everything else, but not that. You weren’t gonna risk that he felt like he had to prove something just because Daryl had given in to his anger again and had thrown a fit. That just wasn’t worth it. “But you know that’s bullshit right?”, Negan’s voice ripped you away from your circling thoughts, darting your attention back to his face and his darkening eyes. “Of course, I just-…I don’t like rilling you up with those kinda dumb accusations”, you mumbled, shifting a little more into the pillow behind your back as he slowly nodded. “Okay”, he grumbled right before he let out a little huff and ran his large palm over his thick beard, “I mean, not fucking okay, I want you to tell me that shit instead of carrying it around with ya…but I get it.” His head left his jaw again as it reached out to yours and gave your hand a soft squeeze before he glanced up at you again. “But just to make this crystal fuckin’ clear, I’d give a lot to swing Lucille through the damn air again, a whole goddamn assload of crap…but not you”, he mumbled, eliciting a small warmth inside you as his grasp on your hand tightened, ”Not fucking ever…that’s not even up for discussion.” You have him a soft smile, turning your hand slightly so you could lace your fingers with his as Negan’s face began to slowly relax again. ”Now how about you lay down and give your body some damn rest?”, he mumbled, already a turning a little to grasp with his free hand the blanket at the edge of the bed and pull it up over your legs. ”Yeah, probably for the best”, you said, nodding softly as you readjusted yourself and shifted down until you could rest your head on the pillow. Quickly, Negan pulled the rest of the blanket over your body let out a small chuckle, ”There ya go.” ”Can you come here?”, you mumbled as soon as you slung the fabric a little tighter around your body and cuddled into the pillow, feeling how you longed for his closeness and warmth as the consequences of the punch began to let your eyelids grow heavier. ”Sure thing, just a moment, Sweetheart”, he mumbled, seemingly sunken in some thoughts as he caressed your covered side for a moment while you began to give more and more in to the longing of diving into a comforting sleep. ”Fuck…”, he grumbled, your half closed eyes catching how he stroke uneasily over his beard once more before his hazel eyes glanced at you ,”Baby? Don’t fall asleep on me yet.” ”Hmm?”, you mumbled as you opened your eyes a little more, slightly confused as you caught his glance while he shifted a little closer. ”Listen, that’s not because of any shit Daryl said or what fucking ever…I just-”, he grumbled, letting the confusion in you slowly grow as a small huff broke his voice off. “Hell, I already wanted to tell ya this morning but-”, he mumbled, stopping once more as he let out a nervous chuckle. Slowly, you raised your head a little, glancing at him as your eyes ran over his face, searching for an answer before you slowly raised your voice, ”Negan, what?” “I love you.” His voice was deep, thick with emotions and genuineness and with this one moment and those three words slipping out of his lips, you felt like your breath was being taken away for moments, catapulted into a trance that let the past seconds seem surreal. ”Hell, I love you so fucking much”, he added, his eyes meeting yours as those words left his lips once more and let you realize that those moments were no beautiful hallucination but instead pure reality. A big smile began to grow on your lips as it got more and more clear to you, as the worries you’ve had were pushed out of your mind and suddenly the thing you had wished for, the thing you hadn’t wanted to push him to had solved itself in the best way possible. He loved you. Shit, he loved you and your heart felt like it was about to burst as it filled up with more and more happiness, growing with each passing second as it pounded within your chest and pumped warmth through your whole body. Your eyes wandered over him, catching how he gulped, his eyes having left yours seconds ago as he shifted over the mattress. ”I know I should’ve said it a whole fucking while ago already, fuck, I-” ”I love you too”, you cut him right off, not allowing to let those thoughts just nearly take up more of his mind as your voice lead his eyes right back to you, letting them widen and his lips gaped softly open, ”I love you, Negan.”
For seconds your mind seemed to black out until you felt his lips meeting yours, their warmth contributing to the growing one within you as the first careful moves turned feverish and longing to not only hear the words, but feel them too. You were wide awake again, completely forgetting about your pounding head and the dizziness that still tried to flare up here and there, but got tamed by the whirling emotions within you. Your fingers reached up, entangling in his thick beard, caressing his jaw as he kissed you and grabbed you to keep you close to him, careful as if he was afraid to hurt you after the incident yet firm enough to hold you tight. You were insatiable for his kisses, yearning for each of them as you heard his low growls and purrs rumbling against your lips while you clung to his body. The only reason you parted was the growing need for oxygen, but still you remained close to each other, panting softly before you opened you eyes and saw the big smile that had mixed into his grin and got dragged over his whole face. Both of you were speechless for a moment, even Negan and as you slowly came back an feeling him pressing another peck to your lips, you caught the grin beginning to mix into the heartfelt smile a little more ”Fuck, you got any idea what that just did to me?”, he softly chuckled, biting his lower lip as he reached out to your hand, cupping it with his as he lead it closer to his lap while the grin grew wider, ”Show ya what.” ”Got me rock hard”, he grumbled teasingly as you let out a chuckle, only gasping softly as he placed your hand right over the large bulge that was growing beneath his prison suit and let you know that those words weren’t empty promises, “Say it again and that beast breaks free.” ”Sure”, you chuckled, the big smile on your lips sticking to them as you playfully teased your fingers over the noticeable tent and grinned with another chuckle at him. ”You know what? As soon as you’re fine again, that big fucker’s gonna make you feel it too…shit, till you can’t think of any fucking thing else”, he purred, biting his lip as he his hand placed back over yours and raised his brows in a playful manner. ”Then I hope my head recovers quickly”, you teased back, hearing him letting out a throaty laugh as he picked your hand up and lead it to his lips. brushing them over its back before pressing a kiss to your knuckles. Your fingers slipped eventually away from his, reaching out to his neck to softly pull him back down to you. You hummed as you felt him propping himself over you, his hazel eyes wandering over your face in a combination of roguishness and deep affection while your fingertips played softly with his beard. “I love you”, he mumbled again, eliciting another wave of warmth to wash over you, forming the smile that was everlasting on your lips to grow bigger again before this loving reaction made him lean a little more, “So fuckin’ much.” His lips met yours again, this time caressing not as feverishly but rather thoroughly and loving over yours, as if he attempted to feel you and taste the words that had earlier escaped your mouth off your lips. “I love you too”, you mumbled again, not ever growing tired of hearing and saying them as Negan smiled against your lips before he leaned down, brushed them over your neck and pampered your skin with kisses and small nibbles. You hummed in approval, soaking up each of his caresses until he backed slowly away and instead shifted next to you on the bed, just as you had earlier asked him to. His back leaned into the pillow as he pulled you into his embrace, cradling you against his chest as you leaned your head against his neck and heard a low chuckle leaving Negan’s lips. “But I mean…how couldn’t you love me with that beast in my fuckin’ pants”, he mumbled teasingly, darting your attention right back to the bulge that was still boasting beneath his prison suit as he jerked his hips playfully up and let out another throaty laugh. “Oh there he is again”, you chuckled, pinching him teasingly into his side as you huddled closer up to him, “But no, he’s not the reason, just a really great extra.” “Hmm”, Negan grumbled with another low chuckle, pulling you a little closer into his embrace as he got a little quieter again. Nuzzling your nose into his warm neck you hummed contently, feeling how the sleepiness was beginning to wash up once more within you as Negan pressed a small kiss to your temple. You wanted to say more but the emotions in your whole body were whirling wildly around, too many and too intense to catch them and form just a half proper sentence with them. So instead, you cuddled closer up, choosing actions over words as you placed a soft kiss to his skin and caressed your fingertips over his chest while you slowly closed your eyes and enjoyed the low hums and content growls that rumbled up his throat. ”Sleep tight, Baby”, Negan lowly grumbled in response to your relaxing body that melted more and more into his embrace as you slowly nodded and buried your head deeper into the curve of his warm neck. ”Hmm…after this, think I’ll sleep better than ever.”
You remained to be right, your sleep was peaceful and soothing, the effect of Negan’s confession outdrowning any pain the consequences of the punch wanted to put into your body. It was only for rare moments that the sleep let go of you, allowing you to crawl a little out of its grasp even though it kept you in its darkness and only let two voices sound through to you, one of them more familiar and deeper than the other.
”What did you do to the fucker who did that shit to her?”
You drifted back away for moments, shifting a little to get comfortable, trying to let your head figure out if those voices were real or just made up by your drowsy mind before a warmth caressed over you for a moment and consoled you again as its accompanying voice bounced off the cold stone walls and echoed through your head.
”I got my future laying right here on that bed…but you..your family is dead, Rick. That bridge It’s not the future. It’s a monument to the dead”
It got darker, darker and darker around you, the sleep was grasping and tightening its hold on you in the silent moments that passed, and as the final words sounded through to you, you were already sinking back into the sleep’s unending depths.
“You’re not saving the world, Rick. You’re just gettin’ it ready for me.”
“Come on, tell big ol’ Negan where the fuckin’ shoe pinches”, Negan drawled, propping his elbows onto the wooden surface of the kitchen table to get a little closer to you and allow his hazel eyes to lock with yours. But instead of keeping them locked you glanced back down to poke some more in your lunch while he you heard him letting out a small but deep sigh. “It’s just a bit much right now…everything”, you mumbled, clenching your jaw uncomfortably as you tried to pack your feelings and thoughts into words without revealing too much yet. “What? The shifts? Sweetheart, I already told you I can take some more off of you”, he said, his voice turning a little softer, even concerned as exhaled tightly and looked up at him, shaking your head slightly. “That was great with that one shift, and I’m really thankful for that but I can’t do this on a regular basis…when I get a special treatment each and every time I’ll stir something up and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna lose the other’s respect or even become some kinda underdog because of that”, you mumbled, spinning your fork uneasily between your fingers as if it would be the answer to each and every of your problems. “They wouldn’t fucking disrespect you, not if I-”, Negan began, stern and with protectiveness swinging through his voice before you stopped him right there. “Negan”, you said, glancing up and capturing his eyes at you cut him off, knowing too well that his intervening would make it all just worse. Another deep sigh fell from his lips as he clenched his jaw and puckered his brows slightly, pondering before his eyes met yours again. “Alright…I get that. but either way, I got the damn feeling you’re not telling me everything that’s buzzing through your pretty head”, he said, his glance intensifying as soon as it had your eyes on lock, refusing to let them go. You shifted uneasily over your chair, attempting to use your food once more to distract yourself from the situation while you exactly knew that he was right and even more, that he wouldn’t stop until he had pushed all concerns out of sight. So yes, there was something more but you couldn’t tell him, hell, you’d make a fool out of yourself and turn this all into a huge embarrassment, maybe even change things between the both of you. You were growing closer, but not that close yet to ask for something you had immediately thought of the moment he had asked. It was simple, yet complicated as hell. And this thing was nothing else than a hug. A simple but proper hug. You couldn’t remember the last time you had one, it had probably been years and each time you thought of this long time a quote you had heard some time before the world went to shit ghosted through your head: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” According to that, you’d be stone dead. You damned yourself often enough for even thinking about it, in a world such as the one you were forced to live in, hugs weren’t or shouldn’t really be within the top priorities on the list. Either way, you couldn’t deny that you were in deep need for one, especially with the stress you found yourself stuck in. You just craved to feel safe and all comfortable for once in this whole mess and the person who could give you this was right in front of you, but you’d do hell to ask him. Fuck no, you weren’t gonna do that, no matter how much something in you wanted to let your guards down for once in his strong arms. “So what is it?”, Negan asked, urging a little more while curiosity and worry mixed in his words as he reached over to you, taking the fork out of your fingers and laying it down next to the bowl, stealing your distraction and forcing you to finally look consistently into his concerned eyes, “I’m serious, Sweetheart.” A tight exhale fell from his lips as you stayed reluctant, not knowing what to do now. You couldn’t lie, Negan would be able to tell within the matter of milliseconds. “Listen if you don’t wanna talk, I’ll respect this shit. Just got the feeling you’re holding something back that really wants to get the fuck out”, he said, keeping your eyes locked as a shudder ran down your back, making your mind work flat out. “Like I said…it’s just a lot and I just-”, you stopped, finding yourself struggling horribly, “I could-” You sighed, letting your glance wander through the room, trying to find some hold on the beige paint on the walls or the wooden shelfs before your eyes fell back on Negan’s, knowing that you couldn’t get out of this anymore. “I…don’t laugh at me or something…I just- in this here…I could use a hug”, you mumbled, your voice becoming quieter with each word until your glance fell embarrassed to the wooden table plate. “You’re kidding me? Why the hell should I laugh at you for that”, he said with a soft chuckle, letting your heart that had already dropped by the first few words rise up again. Suddenly, the creaking of a pushed back chair sounded over the wooden floor boards, guiding your glance back up and letting it fall on Negan, who rounded the small table until he stood shortly in front of you. “Alright, Baby. If you want, well damn, I’m right here”, he chuckled, letting your lips gap open in surprise as you glanced up at him and looked into his brightly shining eyes and the pearly whites he flashed with his wide but softer turning grin. “You don’t have to-” “Well, what if I fucking want to, Sweetheart”, he chuckled, opening his arms a little while his eyes roamed over your face. “I’m not only the damn king of fucking, I give great ass hugs too – even though I gotta say I got a little damn rusty in this, haven’t done this in a long ass while too…anyway, now you wanna get in here or nah?”, Negan’s deep voice drawled, sending pleasant and excited but at the same time nervous shivers through your body before you found your body taking over your mind as you stood up and felt Negan’s hands reaching out to your waist, spreading goosebumps all over your body as soon as you felt his touch. Seconds later his strong arms wrapped around you as yours slung around his torso, letting him pull you flush against his firm chest before his warmth and musky scent surrounded you. The soft leather pressed blissfully against your skin as you leaned your face first cautiously against his shoulder, before feeling yourself growing a little more confident as you felt him pulling you closer, allowing yourself to slowly nuzzle your nose into the warm skin of his neck. A deep hum rumbled through his chest and up his throat, letting it vibrate softly against your body as he leaned his head against yours while your emotions seemed to dance wildly within you, as if they got finally released after an ice age of frozen still stand. You could feel yourself loosening more up with each second, melting into his tall frame as if he was the perfect fit for yours while the excited and nervous emotions slowly ebbed down and allowed the comfortable, safe and peaceful ones to show their faces. A whole different kind of warmth began to spread out in you, began to stream through your veins and flow into each and every of your cells as he cradled you against his chest, with each time his warm breath brushed over your skin and with the way he had his arms wrapped around you just as if they built a wall of safety that allowed you to finally let your guards down. A content and freeing breath fell from your lips as you found yourself stuck in a beautiful trance, not fully realizing yet that you were hugging the big bad wolf of the sanctuary. You could feel one of his hands beginning to caress your back, moving just a tiny bit up and down, brushing his rough fingertips over fabric of your shirt while he slowly let his head drop down to your shoulder, holding you even closer than before. The suspense you had felt prior was flowing out of your body with each second you spent in his embrace, with each bit he cradled and caressed you, showing a side of him you hadn’t fully seen and discovered yet, a side he maybe had forgotten about all these years as well. Slowly, you drifted more and more into the beautiful and peaceful trance, losing yourself more in him while you could feel his body melting closer against yours, as if the very same thing was happening to him as well. Feeling how your lips curled into a content smile against his skin your mind made one last act before letting your emotions fully take over, whispering softly that the big, strong and though man who was holding you so tightly in these moments certainly needed this hug and your closeness just as much as you needed his.
Summary: Locked up and alone with his terrorizing thoughts, Negan’s jealousy and fears of loss get even worse as they’re provoked by another nerve-wracking encounter which eventually lets a promising night with the reader turn into the horrible opposite.
Warning: tiny hint of smut, Negan being jealous as hell (and a bit from Negan’s pov again!)
Slowly, you began to drift out of your sleep, first sensing the warmth that was surrounding you, a comfortable and soothing warmth that was building another, a fuzzy and blithe one within your own body. Shifting softly, your eyes began to flutter slightly until they were half open, glimpsing at the bright sun rays that were already enlightening the cell. For a moment, you stayed still before you could feel his arms tightening carefully around you as you cuddled a little closer. A sleepy hum was leaving your lips as the warmth surrounding you got stronger while you nuzzled your nose into the comfort of his neck, pressing a soft kiss to his skin. Gradually, you began to drift more out of your sleep, step by step until you finally got fully back to consciousness and began to feel that there was something hiding beneath this warmth that let it suddenly feel different than every other morning. It was tension that was coming more and more forth out of its hideout, a tension that was usually only stuck in his body when a nightmare had haunted him in his sleep. Confused and still stuck in the drowsy shroud the past sleep had left on you you shifted slightly, raising your head sleepily from his shoulder until your eyes could glance at Negan, look into his hazel eyes that were surrounded by a certain darkness even though their soft orbs got enlightened by the morning sun. “Mornin’, Baby”, he mumbled, his voice was soft as he spoke those two words, completely contrary to his eyes that were backstabbing him in the attempt to keep the mask up his deep and soothing voice was trying to build. His drawl hushed as your eyes wandered over his face, over each of his handsome features, trying to find out if there was actually something bothering him or if your sleepy self was just hallucinating. There was no way he’s had much sleep in the last night, his eyes were yearning for rest while the dark circles beneath them were underlining each of the minutes that had been stolen from him in the past night. His lips were falling into the form of a thin line as soon as his words hushed and were letting the rest of his facial muscles align with it, creating a mine on his face that not only let the confusion grow but formed a bigger concern as well. “Morning”, you mumbled back, your voice a little croaky from the sleep as you gulped slightly, “Everything okay?…Did you have a nightmare or something?” Your voice was a bit quieter than before as your eyes kept being captured by his as they still caught the muscles in his cheek twitching as he clenched his jaw. Slowly, he began to shake his head, creating with each movement more confusion until he finally spoke up. “No, I’m fine…just didn’t catch much sleep”, he grumbled, attempting to pull you a little closer and caress your waist with his large hand as if he wanted to soothe your concern. But he couldn’t, the glance in his eyes and the suspense in his body were too revealing for you to believe him right of the bat and it didn’t take more than another glance of yours for him to realize his failed attempt. With a deep sigh, his eyes wandered for a second through the room, as if he was pondering about what to tell you until they met your glance again, “-And Rick the prick had the fucking glorious idea to change up the guard.” With puckered brows and a questioning glance in your eyes you looked at him, still confused as he let out a humorless chuckle and shook his head slightly again, reluctant to continue at first. “Negan, what’s wrong?…Who’s the new guard?”, you asked, careful and with the drowsiness stuck in your voice as he let out a small sigh, as if he was trying to hold something in himself back as his eyes wandered to the high windows of the cell. Before you could hear his voice echoing through the cell again, it got replaced by the sound of dull footsteps that made their way down the stairs, letting the mine on Negan’s face harden with each step the unknown guard was traveling further south. Your confused glance switched from Negan’s tensed face towards the cell door, trying to catch the moment the reason for Negan’s behavior would be revealed. For a moment, you expected Tara or Rosita to step in front of the metal bars, see their dark hair and dun eyes piercing through the door but no, you saw neither of them. Instead there was an ash blonde thatch peaking through the gaps and glaucous eyes staring right at you, belonging to the figure of a man that let anything Negan’s voice and face had displayed make sense within seconds. Caleb kept looking at you for seconds, provoking Negan’s arm to tighten around your waist a little more with each of it while your eyes stayed on your friend for a couple of seconds, “Morning”, Caleb mumbled, giving you a quick nod while your surprised glance was still stuck to Negan’s new guard and the realization that this change would just throw more logs into the fire of jealousy that burned deeply within Negan, no matter how unfounded this jealousy actually was. He had tamed it last night for your sake, but now that Caleb was right here, right there to let it flame up again, it was just a question of time for how long he would be able to keep it low. “Just here to make sure you’re up…guess you can already tell that quite a bit changed”, Caleb said, shifting slightly but visibly uncomfortable over the cement ground, “Like Eden said yesterday, they’re pulling a bunch of people off to work at the construction for the windmill till everything’s settled, so for now…well for now I’m taking some shifts over here.” His eyes were on you, almost as if he was intentionally avoiding to meet Negan’s glance while you were still captured in a bit of a shock stare, trying to process what was happening before Caleb gave you a little insecure but still friendly smile. “Well then, I’ll see you in about twenty, if I’m not down here by then, just take the walkie to call”, Caleb said, nodding towards the small device by the cell’s door while the man by your side was shuffling up into the pillows and leaning himself against the cold stone wall as if it was giving him a more dominant position. “Alright, thanks”, you said with a small nod, feeling how Negan was growing more restless next to you as he was staying unusual quiet even though you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and his throat cleared slightly that there was a big urge in him pushing him to make a venomous remark. It only took seconds for Caleb to give you a confirming nod and another glance before he vanished up the stairs again and the glimpse you could catch of Negan from the corners of your eyes, that was just enough for him to not earn this certain remark. A harsh gulp travelled down your throat as the last one of Caleb’s steps echoed through the room, right before the dull thud of the door crashing into its lock upstairs catapulted you back into reality, pushing you to realize and process that you weren’t dreaming any of this. “He was down here before, when you were still sleeping”, Negan grumbled, leading your glance back to his face that was even more tense than before while you could tell by the way his jaw clenched and the muscles in his cheeks twitched that he was trying to hold himself back after your conversation of the last night. A sigh was leaving your lips as your mind was working flat out, trying to push the left drowsiness aside to handle the situation as well as you could, or without making it worse by bubbling some nonsense. “I know this is a weird coincidence….but it really doesn’t matter after all, right? Like I said, if he is anything to me than just a friend…and even though I’m pretty sure that’s mutual, anything else doesn’t matter anyway”, you mumbled, trying to keep your voice as calm and soothing as you could before you pushed a small smile into the corners of your lips, hoping Negan’s stare that was still darting at the cold stone would soon fall on you again. “Only thing I know is that I got a little less than twenty minutes with you left and I’d really like to spend them napping a little more with you…especially because it looks like you could use some more sleep too”, you said, putting a little tease in your voce as your hand caressed softly over his shirt, finally getting his attention as his face softened a bit and turned towards you. There was still tension written all over it, and you could tell that he would have loved to just fall into a rant or even give Caleb himself a proper talking-to, but still there seemed to be something in him pulling him by the last strings that were left. “How does that sound, huh? And tonight…if you’re fit enough again, we can do the other kind of napping”, you softly chuckled, finally provoking an all too familiar grin to pull the corners of Negan’s lips softly up and let his hazel eyes meet yours again. “You can bet your ass on that I could do that right now and here too”, he grumbled but still with that small grin on his lips, as if the devil and the angel on his shoulders were fighting for his attention. “Oh I know”, you softly laughed, your palm still laying on his chest as your fingers were tracing in small circles over the steel blue fabric of his prison suit. By the way he was looking at you, you could tell that there was a part of him who would have loved to tear the nightdress off your body and make you moan so that the thick walls would shake and let Caleb know what exactly he was doing to you but instead of giving Negan some more stage for his jealousy you moved in a little closer and glanced calmly at him. All while you tried to keep his glance tied to yours for a few more seconds, hoping to get Caleb and his jealousy off his mind for at least a bit and as he began to slowly nod, you knew that the angel had successfully pushed the devil off his shoulder, for now. But just as sure as you were that the devil was already clawing its fingers into the prison suit again, trying to climb its way up the fabric of the sleeve to Negan’s shoulder again, you were sure that there were hidden reasons to why the angel had won this time. Especially this little flickering in his eyes and the way they softened, as if he was pushing himself more than usual to give in to it, made you ponder for a second. But this second was quickly over as you caught him shuffling down the pillows again and rolling onto his side on the cheaply squeaking mattress, lifting his arm for you to huddle up to him for the little rest of time you had left. ”You’re gonna come here or nah?”, Negan said glancing at you, a soft chuckle rumbling through his chest while his eyes were visibly still fighting some of his inner demons. ”I will”, you mumbled back, grabbing the thin blanket to keep it steady as you shifted down until Negan’s strong arms could capture you and pull you against his warm chest. Resting your head on his arm you cuddled closer until you could nuzzle your nose against his neck, feel the small vibrations each of his breaths were giving off while you reached one hand up until it could sink into his dark locks. A deep hum was elicited from his throat as soon as your fingers traced over his skull, his chest was rumbling in a calm manner against your body as soon as his head fell into the curve of your neck and caused a small smile to grow on your lips. You liked those moments, those moments that let you feel like there was no one else than you two and in which it didn’t matter where you were. Especially since his time in the cell had begun you saw their worth even more, in just those minutes that let each of you shut any lousy thoughts out and you could collect some new energy again. And you stayed just like this for a little while longer, with your bodies entangled, his arms keeping you safely in his embrace and your hand playing softly with his hair while his warm breath and the feeling of his lips brushing over the side of your neck let pleasant goosebumps spread over your skin, until you knew that it was time for you to get ready.
Negan sat on the edge of the cheap bed, stretching his long legs out with a strained but quiet groan as you slipped your arms into the soft leather of your jacket and shuffled your feet over the ground, trying to get a little more comfortable in your boots. ”Think you’ll got your shifts all fucked up too?”, Negan asked, stemming himself off the bed with a small sigh before he made his way over to your side until his large hands could grasp your hips and pull you closer against his firm chest. ”Mhmm probably, depends on if Rick pulled Rosita off the infirmary for the wind mill”, you said leaning closer against him until your head leaned against his shoulder and his arms wrapped a little tighter around your body, keeping you in his warm embrace for a bit longer. ”Alright…don’t let any fucker bother you out there, okay? If you’re still at the infirmary, hell Baby, you’ll rock that shit again…just forget about that shitty last day and get fresh in there, be my goddamn queen of bandages and disinfection shit”, Negan’s voice was serious until the last sentence that let a soft chuckle rumble through his chest as he pressed a quick kiss on the sensitive skin of your neck before he leaned back to look at you. ”You’ll do that for me?”, he asked, a crooked grin dancing over his lips as you began to slowly nod and allowed a smile to sneak onto your face. ”Yeah”, you mumbled, letting your hands sneak up his chest and slide over the fabric of his prison suit until your arms could wrap around his warm neck. Slowly, he was leaning in until his lips could brush over yours before they captured them entirely, pulling you into a kiss that was as always able to let your knees turn into jelly within seconds. Humming into his kiss you melted against him, feeling the sensation of his rough beard stubble and soft lips teasing over yours while his strong arms kept you steadily flush against his own body. You were about to lose yourself in him again, were about to dive into the kind of moment again you’ve had in bed just a little while ago before the sudden thud of a door made you slip back into reality. Within a second you could feel Negan’s body tensing again, his muscles filing with suspense even though his kiss didn’t stop nonetheless as dull steps sounded over the creaking stairs. Feeling how your body was yearning for air you let go of his lips to catch your breath again even though you knew that if it wasn’t for you Negan wouldn’t have stopped. He would have pushed it, although you were still half stuck in the cloud of emotions his kiss had let you swing in, you knew he would have pushed it so his new guard would see you just like this, in each others arms and drowned in a longing kiss. Glancing up into his hazel eyes you could see the suspense radiating from them, even though it felt like he was still partly trying to suppress it. Slowly, you let your thumb caress over the back of his neck and leaned once more up to peck his lips with a soft kiss before you heard how the footsteps came to a stop and their echo sounded through the thick walls of the cell. Within seconds you turned your head towards the sound’s source, catching Caleb’s eyes glancing at you through the cold metal bars while his hand was deeply buried in the pocket of his pants, trying to fish out the small keys for the cell. ”Hey there again”, he said, pushing a small smile into the corners of his lips as he finally grasped the silver keys and brought them accompanied by a clinking sound towards the lock. ”Hey”, you said back, turning a little more towards the door to get ready for leaving before you felt Negan’s arms pushing you lightly back, provoking your glance to fall from Caleb to the man by your side. ”See you tonight?”, he asked, the sentence that was usually a statement connected with a small grin and another kiss had now turned into question and a forced up smirk that was by far not outdrowning the suspense and sternness that was written all over his face. ”Yeah, see you tonight”, you said soft but definitive back, giving him a reassuring smile before leaning up to peck his lips a last time, hoping to let some of the tension vanish. Reluctantly, Negan’s arms loosened, eventually letting go of you before Caleb’s voice sounded through to you as the sound of the keys sliding into the lock reechoed slightly. ”You’re coming?”, he asked, letting your glance meet his before it seemingly wandered for the first time since this morning towards Negan, “And you take your seat till the doors locked again? Roger said that’s how you’ve handled this till now.” Even though it was firm, Caleb’s voice wasn’t commanding, but it still let a frown grow all over Negan’s face, pushing the smirk for you once for all off his handsome features. ”Yes, that’s how we do”, Negan grumbled, his eyes goring through the door as if it could shoot poisonous arrows through the metal bars and let them gore deeply into Caleb’s skin. The frown on Negan’s face got quickly accompanied by the odd and dangerous grin you had seen a couple times before as he made his way over to the cheap bed and let himself fall onto the mattress that squeaked along with the bedsprings beneath the weight that was pressing in on it. ”’Cause I’m definitely that fucking dumb to jump headfirst out of that shitcell against some armed guard while my girl’s right in the danger zone”, Negan let out a deep, but humorless chuckle eliciting an irritated glance to form in Caleb’s eyes as you let out a lost sigh and moved closer to the cell’s door, deciding that it was better for each one of you to just get some distance between them. ”I’m coming”, you just mumbled, quickly slipping through the opening in the wall until you heard the door crashing back into the lock. You could feel Caleb’s hand ghosting for a short moment over your back in a guiding manner as you lanced one last time at Negan, watched him gulping harshly as he was visibly trying to restrict himself from letting his emotions completely take over his mind. Then, Caleb’s hand left you again as your own footsteps sounded dully through the air as you made your way up the stairs.
Caleb was still quietly walking next to you as you began to make your way through the house, up until the point the corners of your eyes caught him glancing over at you before the blonde rose his voice. ”Hope you slept well after that last day”, he said the small but friendly smile on his lips as your eyes met his. ”Yeah, I’m glad I could, really needed that…do you got any idea what Rick planned for my shifts?”, you asked, watching him nod quickly as he stepped closer with you towards the front door. ”Yeah, asked him ‘bout you and Eden when he let me know about this here”, Caleb said, his fingers making a small but quick gesture around the room before he glanced back at you, “The infirmary is all yours now, at least for the next week. After that or maybe a little more, he said he’ll see if he still needs Rosita at the windmill or if he maybe already knows more about Siddiq and Maggie’s Baby.” ”Okay- Thanks for asking”, you said, feeling for a short moment a bit uneasy thinking about having the full responsibility at the infirmary, before your mind tried to push the positive arguments into the spotlight. After all, you liked the work there and a fight with Tara that was followed by one fucked up day shouldn’t take all confidence away from you. You had to do better now, of course you did, and that you’d lie to say it wasn’t putting pressure on you, but on the other side, maybe you could prove yourself as well. If you thought this way about it, Rick was finally trusting you to take the lead there and that was an achievement you knew you should acknowledge and maybe even be proud of.
”See you later then”, Caleb said as you found yourself back outside, feeling how the chilly air was trying to sneak beneath your warm leather jacket to conquer your body. ”Yeah, see you later”, you responded with a small smile before you turned on your heels, leaving Negan’s new guard behind, while the thought of his influence on Negan’s odd behavior pushed a whole other set of thoughts into your head that decided to accompany you on your way to the infirmary and stay swinging here and there into your mind even after your shift had begun.
The bedsprings squeaked softly as Negan shifted uneasily over the mattress, trying to get comfortable on the cheap thing that just contributed some more to his already shitty mood that was just getting worse with each moment his tired mind was torturing him more with thoughts he would like to smash with his Lucille into teeny tiny pieces. But his beloved weapon wasn’t there with him, instead she was laying somewhere in a pitch dark closet in the armory, wasting away next to some shit guns or some of these awful spears the Hilltop had also sent to the Sanctuary in the past. And just like his bat wasn’t there, his girl wasn’t with him as well. He had always thought nights would be the worst part for prisoners, when everything was dark, everything was dead quiet and you were all on your own with your thoughts. But shit, was he wrong. The nights were the best part of this whole damn mess, in the nights, she was there, made him feel human and very often, as if he wasn’t stuck in this hell hole. The days on the other side, they were a pain in the ass. He was alone, but he could sometimes hear the people outside through the thick glass windows behind the metal bars. He couldn’t hear conversations, or even clear words, but he heard that there was something. He could hear a bit of what he was missing and each time he heard a sound outside, it reminded him that he wasn’t part of anything anymore, no leader, not even a fucking simple man walking along others but that a fucking locked up prisoner instead. It ate him up, almost drove him crazy and he could swear that if he wouldn’t have these nights with her, he’d be a lost man.
Crunching his teeth he leaned his back against the stone wall, feeling the cold that was radiating from it pressing through the fabric of his prison suit. But the coldness wasn’t the thing that was bothering him right now, at least not this kind of coldness. It was another one, the one that was making his thoughts even worse, the one that was caused by his new guard. The thought that this fucker had been the one to be there for his girl when the last day had turned into a living nightmare, the thought that this fucker was holding power over him with this shitty little key that was getting comfy in his pants and the memory of how this fucker had looked at her, first this morning when she had still been sleeping, then later, when she had left him, yes, those things were driving him wild. Negan trusted her when she said he was just someone she was seeing as a friend, but he was sure that she was wrong with saying this kind of view was mutual. Before this morning, there had been a small part of him to doubt it, to tell himself that he was allowing his mind to play games with him, but after those early hours, even that part was gone. He didn’t just see her as a friend, not at fucking all. He knew the kind of glance that fucker was gazing at her with. If he could, he’d tear the fucking clothes piece by piece off her body and devour her for hours. Only the damn thought was giving him chills of the worst fucking kind. And exactly this guy, this fucking asshole was out there with her. He wasn’t working with her anymore, that was the only good thing about this guard change, but he could be there with her whenever his shift was over, whenever he had a fucking break, whenever he felt like it. All beneath the fig-leaf of being the friendly fucking guy. The friendly fucking guy who was free as a damn bird and could give her things he couldn’t.
A shiver rumbled through Negan’s body, letting him shake as he squeezed his eyes just and clenched his jaw tightly, cursing about his own sorry ass as he was trying to keep the toxic thoughts from taking over the last bit of his mind they hadn’t attacked yet. They were mixing with the deep rooted fear of losing her and the thoughts he’d already had last night that were just as horrible as the ones now. And they were forming into an army, determined to take him down.
Judging from the way the shadowy lines of the metal bars fell onto the cement floor of his cell, it was about midday and only a few hours had passed since he was alone, so they were way more to come until he’d have her back. Way more of those lonely hours that gave enough space for those thoughts to attack again and again, and even though he liked to believe hat he was strong enough to make a stand against them, deep down he knew that his would be one hell of a battle, one he might lose.
A sudden thud let him flinch up and ripped him out of the cocoon the thoughts had spun around him, letting his eyes snap towards the cell’s door and capture the cause of the terror in his head, slipping his abstemious food through the gap at the bottom. “Here’s your lunch”, the blonde grumbled, standing straight up again before an urge in Negan let him swing his legs from the bed and pushed him to step closer to the metallic gate. Usually, when Roger or one of the other guards brought food, he just kept laying on the bed till they were gone, mostly cracking some joke or little speech just to have his fun by annoying them a little. Just like he had done it this morning with guard whose name he always forgot while that blonde fucker had probably taken a break or something. But this time was different. This time he stepped closer, feeling the rough surface of the cement pressing against the bare sole of his feet while the younger man’s eyes wandered with slight irritant over him. “Aren’t you ordered to stay back during the meal exchanges too?”, the blonde asked, something swinging in his that just pissed Negan off for fuck knows why and combined with a certain firmness. He seemed to grow more confident, seemed to settle his damn ass down in the position of power he was holding over him and seemed to slowly leave the damn school boy uneasiness and nervousness from this morning behind. But maybe, maybe it just needed a bit to push him right back there. “Nah, I’m not”, Negan grumbled back, feeling every muscle of his body tense as he stepped closer until only the cold metal bars were separating him from this fucker. “Why? You’re scared? Pissing your pants that I could attack you through this thing here?”, Negan asked, his eyes narrowing with each word while a dangerous grin was dancing over his lips, eliciting the wished irritation and if he was right, even a bit of fear in his opponents eyes. “No, I’m not, just want you to follow the rules”, he said, in a firm but calm tone, that calm that it drove Negan crazy and that calm that he almost felt like he was mocking and haunting him with his own and now pretty much dead rule-policy, “Since I don’t think you wanna break them and have some consequences following that.” Oh he wished to, he wished to fucking break them, break those shitty metal bars just along with them, lunge at him and shove the damn plate right down that fuckers throat or better, up his sorry ass. And that’d just be the beginning. But he couldn’t do that, this shit wasn’t just about him, no matter what. “Course not”, Negan growled as he stepped even closer, his tongue sneaking out to wet his bottom lip slowly before he was forcing the younger man to keep the eye contact, ready to change the roles again, turn him into the predator again and the blonde asshole into the prey. He was gonna use this opportunity, hell yes he was gonna do that. “’Cause I know the first thing Rick the little prick would take away from me as a damn punishment would be my girl and I can’t have that…no fucking one gets to do that”, the dangerous drawl was echoing through his voice, his eyes still locking with the man behind the bars, capturing how the other’s brain began to work on those words, just enough for Negan to back away. “So nope, I won’t break those little shitty rules of yours. So you can loosen your bodice and take a few fucking deep breaths, I won’t attack you through those metal bar shit here”, he chuckled darkly, bowing down to grab the plate of food, lacing his fingers around the porcelain edges before he got his back straight again. He looked one last time into the glance of the man who was eying him up and down, trying unsuccessfully to estimate him, and even though it was pleasing in its own kind of way, it didn’t give him the satisfaction and reassurance Negan was yearning for. That guy was still a massive threat. “Good”, Caleb just responded, his voice firm as he nodded slowly almost if that was it before a rush of confidence seemed to wash over him , “Pretty sure she would want that too.” The tone wasn’t advsing not as kind as the fucking smile that fucker was giving his girl anytime she looked his way, it had a kind of teasing tension swinging in it that let Negan’s eyes flare up in combination with her mentioning. “What the hell do you know ‘bout that”, it blustered dangerously out of him, his grip tightening around the plate as a pinch of fear slashed through the other’s eyes before he squared up again, as if he was pushing himself to make a stand. “At least enough to know that she can need someone who’s by her side in this….and who doesn’t give her more stuff to worry about”, the voice of the blonde was calm but quieter than before, almost as if he was surprised himself that he was speaking those words out but right now, Negan didn’t give a shit about that. The only thing he could wrap his mind around was the anger that was boiling up in him, the anger that wanted to rip the head of this fucker, but instead the aching pain that was giving the anger company was pushing him in a shock trance, enough for the guard the give him another short glance before he turned away and stepped out of his view and closer towards the stairs. With a deep huff, Negan turned around, still somehow paralyzed and shuffling with his food towards the cheap bed again while he finally heard the descending footsteps echoing through the staircase until they had hushed completely. They were leaving him alone with the thoughts that were slipping back into his mind, whirling up with the brooding anger the encounter had brought into his body into a tornado that was rushing through each of his cells, back on their way to let his concerns grow.
The wind was brushing softly over your face as you made your way down the street, finishing a day that had been a holiday compared to the past one. You had started tensed up, with the pressure hiding in the back of your head that you couldn’t fuck up again, but with each passing minute you had tried to let yourself be lead by what Negan had told you. And it had worked. You had been a little nervous at first, could feel your hands trembling slightly when you were treating your first patient of the day but after that everything seemed to fall more and more in line, until you got back to the usual agenda. The very only thing that had brought you a little concern was still the thought of Negan’s reaction to Caleb this morning, or even more how the next days with him as his new guard would turn out until Roger would take over again.
And this concern got back up into your head as soon as you headed towards the brownstones and caught Caleb sitting on a chair in front of the main entrance, stretching his legs out and spinning the small silver keys in between his fingers before he glanced up and captured your eyes. Within seconds the usual friendly smile grew on his lips as he heft himself up from the wooden chair and watched you stepping closer, greeting him as soon as you were close enough. “How was your shift? Better than yesterday?”, Caleb asked as he opened the heavy door, allowing you to slip inside before joining you and letting the entrance fall shut again. “Yeah, way better. Yours?”, you asked, not only to be kind, but also to find out if anything had happened between Negan and him, even if it was just a bunch more of snarky remarks. “Now that’s great to hear. Mine was fine, pretty different from the work at the crops, but I mean, it’s just for now and they’re just a couple shifts a day. I’ll get used to it”, he said, his voice was filled with ease, but it wasn’t giving you all the information you wished for. “And I just got back. Miles had the other shift till a half hour ago so I’m all fresh for the night”, Caleb added with a small chuckle, leading you through another room closer towards the staircase before he grabbed the handle of the door last door keeping you from it and gradually opened it. “Gonna be a long one and I’m still not all inured with working in the night as well but I mean, I can’t complain, not after the stuff you had going on yesterday”, he added as he glanced for a short moment at you. “It’s fine”, you just replied with a small smile, seeing how he glanced at you for one more moment before he rose his voice again. “Yeah, still. Just glad it worked out today for you”, he said with another kind smile before strolling down the first steps, followed by you as you made your way down.
Moments later you were able to step in front of the metal door and glance inside the cell, catching Negan’s figure that was already slightly enlightened by the petroleum lamp beside his bed and the last bit of light the windows were allowing to stream into the cell. His eyes lit up for a moment as he caught your glance, his lips curling softly up before his glance got more concentrated again as it switched to the blonde man who was getting closer towards the door until he could slid the keys inside the lock. With a click the door sprung open as Caleb turned around to you and slowly opened the door. “Well then, till tomorrow morning I guess”, he said, pressing a small smile into the corners of his lips before you gave him a small nod and stepped closer towards the entrance. “Yeah, till tomorrow”, you said, your voice friendly as you slipped inside and heard how the door closed as slowly as it had opened, with creaking noises of strained metal until the sound of the lock reechoed.
Just as you heard descending footsteps and your glance was about to wander back towards the cell’s bed, strong hands cupped your jaw, fingers slid into your hair and pulled you into against warm lips that captures yours immediately in a deep kiss. A deep kiss that was growing more desperate with each second, with each caress of his lips over yours, with each bit he pulled you closer and let your mind shut down for a few moments until he had taken all your breath. Even when you were catching your breath with trembling lips, his own were still hovering over yours and his hands were still keeping your face close to his while his chest rose and fell strongly against your body. Before your mind could even fully come back, could ask him if he was fine, if this had to mean anything, his deep drawl vibrated against your lips. “Fuck…I need you, Baby. Now”, even though his voice had this dominant and deep drawl swinging in it, it was still just as desperate as his kiss and just as desperate as the next one he was pressing to your lips as his hands wandered down your body, tugging on the lapel of your jacket until he could push it down your arms. You were longing for him, of course you were but something about this wasn’t letting you go. It was by far not the first time for him to surprise you with this kind of greeting, but this time was different and you were about a hundred percent sure that you knew the reason why. “Negan?”, you mumbled as soon as he caught breath for the first time after letting your jacket fall with a dull thud to the ground, immediately letting his eyes snap to yours. “Yeah, Sweetheart?”, he asked, his fingers already brushing over the end of your shirt, caressing the bare skin of your stomach and hips. “You’re okay?”, you asked, his eyes escaping yours to wander over the cold stone for a second before your hands ran up his prison suit until they cupped the back of his neck. “Negan?”, you asked, concern swinging in your voice that let his eyes switch over to you until his hazel orbs locked with yours. “’Course I am”, he said, his voice a little to confident, the smirk that was beginning to grow on his lips a little too bright,”You’re here with me again. I’m fucking thriving.” With that his lips pressed on yours once more but quickly left your skin again as soon as he felt the restricted way you responded, not believing him yet. “Don’t worry, Baby”, he grumbled against your lips, pecking them softly as his arms wrapped tighter around your body. You glanced up into his hazel eyes, knowing that there definitely wasn’t everything fine. But just as his lips caressed longingly over yours again, a part of you thought that maybe he needed this right now, maybe he needed to blow off some steam this way and get his mind finally off the things that were buzzing through it, maybe so you could properly talk to him after it. For one more moment you hesitated, before this part of you and the longing for him you felt yourself brought you to respond to his kiss and allow you to melt into him.
Just as you had kicked off your boots, you already felt him guiding you towards the bed until your back hit the mattress and you felt him climbing on top of you, settling in between your legs while his arms were securely caging you within his warm embrace. Slowly, your fingers fumbled on his shirt, unbuttoning the steel blue top of his prison suit until you could brush it off his shoulders and let your fingers trace along his sides, down his back until you could rest your fingertips just above the waistband of his pants. It took only moments for him to brush your shirt off too, beginning to fondle your body as soon as the fabric hit the floor, kissing and nibbling down your neck and your collarbones before capturing your lips again, letting more heat pool within your body’s middle. His hands were wandering south, fumbling on the zipper of your pants until you raised your hips slightly, allowing him to pull them down as his lips left yours for a moment, right before they crashed back onto them as soon as just your underwear was left on your heated body. You could feel his weight beginning to press in on you again, feel his warm skin right against yours as his hands wandered down until they could grab your thighs, let his rough fingertips dig into your skin to press you closer and harder against him. Humming and softly moaning into the kiss you wrapped your legs around his hips as the heat in your body grew more, letting you feel how it was turning your panties into a wet mess. You were enjoying to feel him closer with each second, each minute, with each touch and each kiss while you allowed yourself to begin to lose yourself in him. But only up until the point where you felt that this wasn’t happening to him, not as it always happened. He wasn’t melting against you, wasn’t sinking into the kisses, wasn’t letting those little satisfied growls rumble through his chest and wasn’t teasingly grinding himself against you. There was a certain tension stuck in him, you could feel that his thoughts weren’t letting him go, they were wrenching on him, as if they were trying to pull him away from the trance he yearned to fall into. You could feel him trying, pushing himself to get to this point he could lose himself in the kisses and touches as well. But before you could think of doing something, maybe even stopping, you felt him growing more restless, more tense before he suddenly pulled away from your kiss. His breath was heavy, his body was shivering while you could still feel his face hovering over yours as your eyes opened immediately, glancing at his tensed face. His eyes were pressed shut until they slowly opened, forming more worry in you within seconds. “Negan, what’s wrong?”, you mumbled, trying to catch his glance. You knew one of the reasons, and while you were sure there were more hidden in the dark, you needed to hear him say them, have him finally talk to you. “Noth-” “No, don’t tell me it’s nothing. I can feel that this isn’t true”, you cut him off, even though your tone was careful as your hand reached up to his jaw, trying to lead his glance towards you. And fInally, his hazel but tense orbs met yours. “Just let us go on with this, please”, he said, his glance wandering uneasily over your face as his words pressed firmly but still pleading out of his lips. “Why are you so dogged on this here now?”, you asked, feeling how desperation was beginning to course through your veins while Negan’s eyes refused to meet yours. And they still kept on doing this as he eventually stemmed himself up and leaned back, until his legs swung off the bed’s edge. His jaw was clenching tightly, the muscles in his cheek twitched and let you grow more restless as you were slowly sitting yourself up before he finally spoke up. “’Cause this”, he grumbled making a small gesture towards the bed before a harsh gulp travelled down his throat as his eyes met yours for the split of a second ,”Some damn fuck is the only fucking thing I can give you in here.” His voice was growling, frustrated and almost dangerous as a shivering breath fell from your lips as you slowly shuffled closer to him, trying to figure out how to get this bullshit thought out of his head. “That’s not true, Nega-” “Oh, it isn’t?”, harshly he spoke up, his voice still trembling underneath the sarcasm before he huffing lifted himself off the bed and grabbed the shirt of his prison suit, turning his back towards you and refusing to look at you as his fingers buttoned it up, as if he was using it to keep a wall up between the both of you. You could feel your ribcage tighten in the pain of helplessness, pressing air out of your lungs before you shuffled your shirt over your body and let your feet hit the ground as well. And just as you wanted to raise your voice again, tell him that those thoughts were all wrong, his eyes snapped towards you again and his voice echoed through the cell. “You got so fucking much waiting out there for you. Fucking anything I can’t give you in here. And that guy up there? That fucker? Oh, he’d gladly take over”, his voice was piercing, soaked in anger and desperation just like the flickering terror in his eyes. “Negan, he doesn’t-” “He fucking does. You’ve seen the way he’s looking at you? He’s eyefucking you”, Negan spat the words out, letting a deep breath fall from your lips as you could feel your own desperation and helplessness grow. “Not everybody wants to fuck me, Negan”, you said, your voice tense and harsher than you actually wanted while he shook his head, his jaw clenching while the thick vein on his neck began to swell dangerously. “Well, he certainly does”, he growled, before his voice got even more biting while pain flickered through his eyes, “And he’s gonna as soon as you wake up and see what kinda shitshow you’re stuck in if you stay with me.” His voice was booming through your head, sending shivers of pain and shock through it before your brows puckered and your body tensed up as you got out of the small shock his words had catapulted in. “Are you kidding me?”, it blustered out of you, your eyes staring in disbelief in him while more hurt feelings began to mix within your body. “No, I’m fucking not. Just another role he’s gonna fucking take over ‘cause I’m stuck in this shithole, ‘cause I can’t give you any fucking thing”, he growled, letting another shivering breath fall from your lips as your mind was in terror, completely at a loss and stuck in a cloud of pain, Trying to breath through, trying to calm the terror you grabbed your pants, shuffling them back on, hoping that this small distraction would calm you at least a tiny bit down. But of course, it didn’t. ”I don’t want him, when are you gonna finally believe that?”, you growled, desperation swinging in between your heavy breaths. ”But you wanna tell me you want this all here?! Till fuck knows when?!”, Negan’s voice was stern, yet desperate as your eyes met his again. He panted as his whole face grimaced in pain and anger, not allowing you to say anything as his loud voice continued. “You really wanna sleep forever on this crappy ass bed?! Wanna live half of your damn fucking day-…life as a prisoner fuck too?!”, his voice got louder, booming and restless, his whole body was filled with suspense while yours got filled with more pain, as there was only a small part of your mind left that pushed the thought that only his desperation was making him say those things and blow up this way. But this small part vanished and got instead replaced with more pain and even frustration as you saw him pacing like a wild animal through the room, filling up with more anger. “Yeah”, you brought out, your own stubborn head pushing it while Negan didn’t seem to hear you, instead he grew even more tense, with the vein on his neck pulsing harshly and with horror written all over his face. His eyes turned dark, a deep humorless chuckle fell from his lips before his brows puckered and the frown spread over his features again, combining with his biting voice. “Oh wait, this all is gonna be just fine, right? Bet we’re gonna have some nice fucking candle light shit dinner, with that fucking petroleum shit lamp and that plate of crap food they’re feeding me”, he called sarcastically out his foot pushing enough against the empty plate to let it rush a few inches against the wall, not enough force behind it to break it but enough to let the sound of its encounter echo horribly through the cell. Flinching up you felt the pain of his words letting a lump in your throat grow while Negan stared panting at the plate, seemingly being ripped out of his rage by the stinging sound. His shoulders rose and fell at a restless pace, his lips gaped only enough open to let his heavy breaths escape while the rest of his body tensed and trembled harder. You tried to grasp the last chance to collect yourself, to not fully lose control but before you could start another try, maybe even get the threateningly growing lump out of your throat you heard his voice again. This time it wasn’t loud and not booming at all, instead the pain got more audible next to the firmness and growling that was still stuck in it. ”You’ll leave. Earlier or later you’ll leave”, those words felt like they knocked you to the ground as thousands of knifes seemed to gore their blade into your skin, wrenching and pulling your flesh apart. “Just a matter of time till you got enough of this.” Was he really thinking that? After you’ve been through hell and back with him? And if so, how could he believe that? How could he think that little of you? How could he think that you were that shallow that you’d just give him up, give what you both have up simply and only because of this cell? You could finally feel the lump in your throat winning the fight it had with you, pushing burning tears into your eyes, tears of disappointment, anger and even more pain before your lips brought out the question itself. “Do you really think that?, you asked, your voice strained and weak but with a stern and biting tone that was caused by the anger in your body that was the only thing keeping your voice steady. “Negan, I’ve seen you bleed out. You were almost dying in my arms…I’ve had you laying half dead and unconscious for fucking days in front of me-”, you brought out, feeling how the tears in your eyes urged their way forward and cut you off. “After all that, you really think I’ll leave just because you’re in here? You think that little of me?!”, you added, feeling how your feelings of pain were completely taking over while Negan’s glance fell for the first time since his last words on them again. And just as you casted your watery eyes down, could feel how the tears began to roll over your cheeks, the corners of your eyes seemed to catch how his face dropped in terror. A shivering breath feel from your lips as your body and mind begin to give up completely to the whirlwind of horror and emotions that was raging within them before you suddenly flinched up as you heard the sound of fast footsteps rushing down the stairs. Your eyes snapped towards the door, catching Caleb’s eyes looking with pure concern at you before they shot towards Negan as his voice echoed through the cell. “What the hell do you want here?” “Make sure you won’t hurt anyone”, Caleb’s voice was resentful and tensed, as much as you had never even thought he was capable of. “I wouldn’t harm a single hair on her head”, Negan’s voice growled, the anger audibly beginning to boil back up again,”I wouldn’t ever fucking hurt her.” “Looks to me like you already did. One way or another”, Caleb said with a dangerous calmness mixed into his voice you were sure would drive Negan even more wild. Even though you tried to stop it and whipped them off your skin, more tears rolled down your cheeks, as if your emotions were stuck in a barrel that was flowing over and over again. “Now get back to the bed”, the tensed voice of the guard said as you first glanced up and brushed the tears off your face once more, catching the furious glance that was beginning to settle in Negan’s eyes as they gored through Caleb. Without breaking eye contact with Negan he reached towards the gun, letting your breath hitch as he rested it on the holster and gave Negan a warning glare. A deep scoff left Negan’s lips as you could feel his glance brushing over you for a moment, before he gave in, nodded and walked tensely back to the bed. As soon as the bedsprings squeaked beneath his weight, you heard the metallic sound of the keys sliding into the lock before they turned and let the door spring open. Your eyes lifted from the ground again, catching Negan’s glance brushing over you, something that seemed like worry and regret trying to break through the mask of anger and pain on his face while you gulped harshly down. “I’ll come back when you’ve calmed down”, just left your lips without thinking much about it, it just slipped out of them, broken and quiet, knowing that you needed your space after whatever the hell had happened in this night.
“Come here”, you heard Caleb mumble as you eventually slipped through the gap after you had grabbed your boots and your jacket, digging your fingers into their fabrics at if it could ease your tension. Just as you were stepping through it you were feeling next to filled up with emotions, awfully empty as well as the person you had usually leaned on when you experienced this kind of mess was now the one that had caused it. A trembling breath fell from your lips as you could feel Caleb’s hand placing on your back trying to guide and maybe even soothe you before you heard Negan’s voice a last time. “Get your fucking hands off her”, it echoed through the cell, your eyes went up in a glare to meet his for a last time before you stepped up the stairs.
“You’re okay?”, you heard Caleb ask as soon as you stood outside the door, fresh and chilly night air filling your lungs and hitting your skin while it gave you a little hope that it might be able to soothe your suspense filled body. ”Sorry, I know that’s not the best question right now, I just wanna know”, he mumbled as you looked up and shuffled into your boots, gulping harshly as you tried to get yourself in order. “I’ll be fine”, you mumbled slightly sniffling, more hoping for it than actually knowing it while you brushed the leather of your jacket over your arms, hoping that its comfortable and familiar feeling might calm you a little. “Hmm?”, you heard him murmur as he held out a bit scrunched but new tissue out to you, raising his brows softly. “Thanks”, you mumbled with a strained and battled voice, taking the tissue and bringing it down over your cheeks to get the last tears off of them before new would earlier or later stream over them again. “Hey, you want me to get you back to Rick’s house? Not sure if walking alone’s the best thing for you now”, Caleb mumbled, as you let out a deep breath, trying to rally yourself before you slowly shook your head. It was already an odd feeling for you that he had seen you this vulnerable, and even though you were grateful, you needed nothing else than be on your own. “Think I need that right now, be alone for a bit…but thank you anyway.” You bit your lips, scrunched the tissue inbetween your fingers like one of those stress balls while Caleb slowly nodded, the worry still stuck in his eyes. “You deserve more than what happened down there, you know that, right?”, he brought out, his glance meeting yours again in the faint light of the street lamps. You weren’t gonna answer this, you were way too rilled up right now, your body was still all tense while the pain let an awful nausea wash over you again and again and besides that, this or anything else regarding Negan wasn’t something you were gonna discuss with him. No matter how confused, hurt and mad you were about him right now. “I just need to go home now…”, you mumbled instead, still feeling how the remains of the lump in your throat were making it hard for you to talk without sounding like miserable little thing. “Okay…but if there’s something I can do…you know where you can find me”, he said, leaning a little closer until you glanced up at him as he was trying to press a tiny uplifting smile into the corners of his lips, even though it got massively overshadowed by the concern that was still keeping his face hostage. “Thanks..”, you just mumbled back, trying to let your lips that were still slightly swollen from Negan’s kisses form into a grateful smile before you breathed through, “See you around then.” “Yeah, see you around”, Caleb said, gulping as his eyes wandered one last time over your face before you gave him a small nod and turned around, feeling the stones crunch beneath your shoe’s soles as you began to make your way down the dark road.
Darkness around you, darkness within you. It seemed like there was nothing else but this darkness, trying to eat you up while you felt how tears began to roll down your face and whimpers left your lips, threatening to form into sobs as soon as you were out of earshot. Pressing your trembling hand on your mouth you tried to silence your louder becoming whimpers, scared that someone could see or hear you this way. You felt alone, completely alone for the first time in a really long while. You’d lost any of your old friends and Daryl and now? Had you lost Negan now too? Or were you on a way for this to happen? Did he think over all this time differently about you and your relationship than you had thought? Did he really think you’d just choose Caleb or anybody else over him just because they weren’t imprisoned? Or was he just scared and did this fear let him lash out or were you only trying to tell that yourself to not face the ugly truth? You didn’t know. It was like nothing in your head was working anymore, stuffed too full with emotions and thoughts to function at all. Everything in Rick’s house, your old and maybe now new home was dark when you finally felt the porch’s steps sinking a little in beneath your weight as you shuffled up the stairs. The last thing you wanted was for them to see you this way and to immediately know the cause. They’d know earlier enough, at the latest when they’d find out that you had been sleeping in the house. Pain was still twitching through your every cell as you sneaked as quietly as you could up through the house, up the stairs, down the hallway until the door of your room shut as quietly as you could behind yourself. Moments later, only with your boots kicked to the ground and your leather jacket falling next to it on the carpet, your body hit the mattress of the bed, your face pressed into the several pillows and your hands fisted soft blankets as if they could give you any hold as new shocks of whimpers and pain rushed through you. But they couldn’t soothe you, those soft blankets, comfy pillows and this giant bed, not like Negan’s arms usually did when things went south. That was the thing about this all, the thing Negan didn’t seem to get…maybe didn’t want to get. Those comfort necessaries were nice and cozy and you did like them but you’d switch them without bating an eyelash out for his embrace, no matter if it was on a squeaking and cold mattress on a cheap bed in a dark cell or not. You would return, just as you had said it, but the thought of it or its possible outcome let piercing pain and fear eat up, let the darkness around you lull you into its terrifying and nightmare-promising depths while the last tears rolled over your burning cheeks before your mind and body gave in and let you dive into the darkness.
“Are you cold? Still?”, Negan worriedly asked as he stood in front of the bed, his concerned glance wandering over your curled up figure beneath the several dark blankets while another harsh cough erupted your throat and sent stinging aftershocks through the rest of your body. “Shit, you are”, he grumbled, more to himself than to you as you cuddled more up into the pillows, trying to get a rest of your head that felt as if the pressure pushing in on your skull was trying to bring it to explode any second. Sniffling, you looked up at him, through half opened eyes that caught him pondering for a moment before he slowly walked closer towards the large bed and sat down on its edge, letting the mattress bend slightly beneath his weight. Your glance followed each of his moments as well as it could, trying to keep the sunlight that was streaming through the large windows from dazzling your exhausted eyes too much before they caught his large hand reaching up to you. Softly, almost overly cautious his palm placed on your cheek, bringing a soft hum of yours forth as soon as his touch met your skin that was so much softer compared to the rough coughs that else escaped your lips. Slowly, his thumb began to stroke over the prominent part of your cheekbone, tracing along the skin while you could feel his glance being stuck to your face as you leaned into his soothing touch. It lasted seconds, pleasing but way too short seconds until the next cough boomed through your ribcage up your throat, letting you shake against the soft pillows beneath your head until it ebbed away once again just to make sure you knew it would return earlier or later. “Fuck”, you heard Negan quietly grumble as he caught the way you shuffled into the pillows, trying to soothe your body from the pain the cough had given to your already sore throat while the coolness tried to conquer your body, tried to march into the blankets and make its way closer and closer until it could slip beneath your skin. “Looks like I gotta be your living hot water bag, huh?”, Negan asked, trying his very best to let the chuckle that was leaving his lips outdrown the concern that was stuck in his voice. Slowly, you glanced up at him, feeling how his hand ran from your cheek down the back of your neck for a short moment, giving it a soft caress with his rough fingertips before it left your body to lift the mountain of blankets you were hiding beneath. “You’re gonna get sick too”, you grumbled, concerned even though you craved for his touch while your voice was barely audible as the cold had taken most of it hostage and was letting the bit of rest it had left you sound like the horribly scratched part of a CD. “Well, then so be it. I don’t give a fuck”, Negan grumbled, his voice softer than the words made it seem as he slipped faster beneath the blankets than you had expected and shifted against you, careful and as if you would break if he would move just a little too harsh. “You’re gonna come here? Let us make this cold our bitch together?”, he asked, a soft laugh leaving your lips as you glanced up at him and caught the hope in his eyes that was trying to make itself room next to the concern that was still not about to beat retreat anytime soon. Slowly, you nodded, feeling yourself crave his closeness with each bit you felt his body shifted against yours. His arms were spread wide open as you huddled closer up against him, trying to move your exhausted body as well as you could beneath the layers of blankets until the moment you could feel him wrapping his arms protectively around you. And god, did it feel good. It always did, his arms always had some kind of magical effect on you as soon as they captured you in an embrace but right now it felt like they had healing powers as well. Humming quietly, you let your arm wrap around his torso and let your head sink into his chest until the soft white fabric was pressing against your skin and left you craving for more. So slowly, you were nuzzling your nose into the warm skin hidden beneath the shirt so you could feel the soft dark curls of his chest hair press up against it, could feel the way his chest was rising and falling with each breath he took and hear here and there the steady sound of his strong heart beat. His warmth was operating on you like a drug, and was letting you crave for even more as he began to cradle you against his firm chest, shift you a little up to let his warm lips press a soft kisses on your forehead and temple and let his large and soothing hands rub over your back and play with your hair until they came to a stop to just hold you. His warmth wasn’t magically letting your cold symptoms vanish, your head was still full and stuffed with pressure, your nose was still running and left you sniffling, your coughs were still letting your body erupt with shocks but it was giving you the comfort you needed right now. “How about you go to sleep now, huh? And when you wake up, this shit’s gone but you know what, big ol’ Negan will still be right here”, he grumbled, cradling you closer against himself before a small laughter let his chest vibrate against your weakened body. “Shit, that sounded cheesy as fuck…like right out of some shitty romantic movie, didn’t it?”, he chuckled about his own sappiness, cradling you a little closer as a cold minted, rough but small laugh was leaving your lips. “Mhmm yeah..but I like that idea”, you grumbled into his shirt, cuddling even closer up to his tall frame to catch more of the intoxicating warmth and comfort he was giving off. “Well, then we’ll do it just like that…and just to be clear, nothing would get me to leave you now. Not even a damn herd of dead fuckers”, he grumbled against your skin as he pressed another kiss on your forehead, letting the softness of his lips mix with the roughness of his beard stubble while a smile began to grow on your lips, allowing you to forget about the cold for just a bit.
And as you finally began to drift off to sleep, still feeling his arms wrapped around you, his chest rising and falling beneath your head and his lips brushing over your skin, this smile grew a little more as you knew that this would all still be there with you as soon as the sleep would loosen its grasp on you again.