Hoping to slowly leave the horror of Negan’s breakdown behind, the Reader helps Negan shave to make a first tiny step into a new direction.
This is a drabble for the time jump within season 9! It’s linked to my series, so If you like you can find it right here, but you can also easily read it independently from it.
“Let’s get rid of that Santa beard”, you mumbled with a smile as you picked up the scissors from the small nightstand of Negan’s cell. Right next to the scissors had laid two small bowls with shaving foam and warm water, a small fluffy towel and a straight razor that were waiting for their job later on. You turned around, giving him another smile as you glanced at him on the wooden chair in the middle of the cell, still with his slightly slumped in figure and the healing but still horribly visible wound on his forehead. This one horrifying day was about a week and a half ago by now, Alexandria was still in a complete exceptional state after Rick’s death and you had the odd feeling that this would last for a good while longer. The first days after, you hadn’t left Negan’s side, stayed huddled up in the bed with him, cradling and holding him close, only leaving it to pick up his food and make sure he was eating as much as he could. He still was in a state that made your heart ache but for today and to finally but slowly help him out of this slump, you thought of making a small but maybe meaningful step in a new direction and finally get rid of his thick beard, to literally cut him off from the terrible memories that were now connected to it. Especially now, since the people who usually took care of his beard and his hair cut would have waited a whole lot longer until taking action again. Slowly, you stepped closer to him, reaching up to run your fingertips softly through his dark hair until he raised his head a little to glance at you as your fingertips trailed down until they could grasp a bit of his beard. “Ready?”, you mumbled with another small smile as he slowly nodded. “Ready as hell…let’s get that fucker off”, he mumbled, forcing a small smile onto his lips as you ran your fingers once more along his jaw before getting back to your work.
“Thought you liked it…the beard”, Negan mumbled, for the first time in a while some of his old tease sounding through his deep voice again as you finished your work with the scissor and brushed your fingers over his jaw to get rid of the salt and pepper hair that was entangling into the rest of his stubble. “I did, just think we gotta start off new, huh?”, you mumbled, leaving his side for a moment to get the shaving foam and the thick brush. “Like those girl’s gettin’ their hair colored or cut the fuck off after breaking up with some jerk?” “Kinda”, you said softly chuckling as you turned back around to him and felt as if you saw for the first time ever since a bit of his signature grin spreading over his lips, taking in his handsome features that had been held hostage by pain way too much in the last while. It was just a small one, and still it let some more hope wash into your body as you glanced with a loving smile at him. Slowly, you got the foam on his face, brushing it in the rest of his beard before some memories flowed back into your mind, letting you grin slightly as Negan’s glance captured yours. “Remember that first time I did this?”, you mumbled in response to his questioning glance as you looked down on him, his face’s lower half completely covered in white foam just like all this time ago in Rick’s house. “Hmm, yeah”, he grumbled, the small grin that let your heart flutter still on his lips as you placed the bowl of foam down beside him. “You looked just like this with all that foam on, really had to control myself to not laugh”, you softly chuckled, grabbing the warm water and the towel to get ready to shave. “Still caught that grin, believe me that, Sweetheart”, he mumbled back before he pointed swiftly up to his in white covered face, “That’s how you usually look.” A half chuckle, half groan left your lips as you shoved his shoulder playfully in response to his old humor that was finally showing through again, enjoying this lighthearted moment while it lasted. He could fall back into this black pit every minute, so if you had the chance to first grasp some small but happy moments, you were gonna do so. They were a start.
The razor knife slid along his skin as you carefully got the rest of his beard step by step off, touching him softly to keep him in posture until you could finally wash the little rest off foam off and let him brush the towel over his bare skin. “Can finally see your face again”, you eventually mumbled as you traced your fingers over his skin, sensing its softness after only being used of the long and rough beard,”So damn smooth.” For another small moment you could see the smile on his lips before slowly but surely the darkness that tried to devour him began to try its best to settle in again, clouding his glance and doing its best to push the smile off his face. Softly, you caressed your fingers over his skin, cupping his face as you tried to find a way to get him at least for this small moment back into the lightheartedness you had felt before. One more time you glanced at him before you slowly leaned down and captured his lips, gentle and careful to feel him all the way as your hands held him close to you. Your lips moved in a pleasant and even calming rhythm until you felt him pulling you down onto his lap, wrapping his arms around you as some small but content growls rumbled up his throat. Slowly letting go of him you glanced into his hazel eyes, giving him another small peck before he pulled you closer and nuzzled his face into the curve of your neck. “Love you, Baby”, he mumbled, pressing a small kiss against your skin as he held you tight, almost as close as in those nights before in which it seemed like you were his only anchor holding him here. “I love you too, Negan”, you mumbled back, wrapping your arms around him as you nuzzled your nose into his dark hair, closing your eyes, hoping that even though the light at the end of the tunnel was still far out of reach, that this would be at least a first tiny step into the right direction.
“Are you cold? Still?”, Negan worriedly asked as he stood in front of the bed, his concerned glance wandering over your curled up figure beneath the several dark blankets while another harsh cough erupted your throat and sent stinging aftershocks through the rest of your body. “Shit, you are”, he grumbled, more to himself than to you as you cuddled more up into the pillows, trying to get a rest of your head that felt as if the pressure pushing in on your skull was trying to bring it to explode any second. Sniffling, you looked up at him, through half opened eyes that caught him pondering for a moment before he slowly walked closer towards the large bed and sat down on its edge, letting the mattress bend slightly beneath his weight. Your glance followed each of his moments as well as it could, trying to keep the sunlight that was streaming through the large windows from dazzling your exhausted eyes too much before they caught his large hand reaching up to you. Softly, almost overly cautious his palm placed on your cheek, bringing a soft hum of yours forth as soon as his touch met your skin that was so much softer compared to the rough coughs that else escaped your lips. Slowly, his thumb began to stroke over the prominent part of your cheekbone, tracing along the skin while you could feel his glance being stuck to your face as you leaned into his soothing touch. It lasted seconds, pleasing but way too short seconds until the next cough boomed through your ribcage up your throat, letting you shake against the soft pillows beneath your head until it ebbed away once again just to make sure you knew it would return earlier or later. “Fuck”, you heard Negan quietly grumble as he caught the way you shuffled into the pillows, trying to soothe your body from the pain the cough had given to your already sore throat while the coolness tried to conquer your body, tried to march into the blankets and make its way closer and closer until it could slip beneath your skin. “Looks like I gotta be your living hot water bag, huh?”, Negan asked, trying his very best to let the chuckle that was leaving his lips outdrown the concern that was stuck in his voice. Slowly, you glanced up at him, feeling how his hand ran from your cheek down the back of your neck for a short moment, giving it a soft caress with his rough fingertips before it left your body to lift the mountain of blankets you were hiding beneath. “You’re gonna get sick too”, you grumbled, concerned even though you craved for his touch while your voice was barely audible as the cold had taken most of it hostage and was letting the bit of rest it had left you sound like the horribly scratched part of a CD. “Well, then so be it. I don’t give a fuck”, Negan grumbled, his voice softer than the words made it seem as he slipped faster beneath the blankets than you had expected and shifted against you, careful and as if you would break if he would move just a little too harsh. “You’re gonna come here? Let us make this cold our bitch together?”, he asked, a soft laugh leaving your lips as you glanced up at him and caught the hope in his eyes that was trying to make itself room next to the concern that was still not about to beat retreat anytime soon. Slowly, you nodded, feeling yourself crave his closeness with each bit you felt his body shifted against yours. His arms were spread wide open as you huddled closer up against him, trying to move your exhausted body as well as you could beneath the layers of blankets until the moment you could feel him wrapping his arms protectively around you. And god, did it feel good. It always did, his arms always had some kind of magical effect on you as soon as they captured you in an embrace but right now it felt like they had healing powers as well. Humming quietly, you let your arm wrap around his torso and let your head sink into his chest until the soft white fabric was pressing against your skin and left you craving for more. So slowly, you were nuzzling your nose into the warm skin hidden beneath the shirt so you could feel the soft dark curls of his chest hair press up against it, could feel the way his chest was rising and falling with each breath he took and hear here and there the steady sound of his strong heart beat. His warmth was operating on you like a drug, and was letting you crave for even more as he began to cradle you against his firm chest, shift you a little up to let his warm lips press a soft kisses on your forehead and temple and let his large and soothing hands rub over your back and play with your hair until they came to a stop to just hold you. His warmth wasn’t magically letting your cold symptoms vanish, your head was still full and stuffed with pressure, your nose was still running and left you sniffling, your coughs were still letting your body erupt with shocks but it was giving you the comfort you needed right now. “How about you go to sleep now, huh? And when you wake up, this shit’s gone but you know what, big ol’ Negan will still be right here”, he grumbled, cradling you closer against himself before a small laughter let his chest vibrate against your weakened body. “Shit, that sounded cheesy as fuck…like right out of some shitty romantic movie, didn’t it?”, he chuckled about his own sappiness, cradling you a little closer as a cold minted, rough but small laugh was leaving your lips. “Mhmm yeah..but I like that idea”, you grumbled into his shirt, cuddling even closer up to his tall frame to catch more of the intoxicating warmth and comfort he was giving off. “Well, then we’ll do it just like that…and just to be clear, nothing would get me to leave you now. Not even a damn herd of dead fuckers”, he grumbled against your skin as he pressed another kiss on your forehead, letting the softness of his lips mix with the roughness of his beard stubble while a smile began to grow on your lips, allowing you to forget about the cold for just a bit.
And as you finally began to drift off to sleep, still feeling his arms wrapped around you, his chest rising and falling beneath your head and his lips brushing over your skin, this smile grew a little more as you knew that this would all still be there with you as soon as the sleep would loosen its grasp on you again.
With a wide heartfelt smile painted all over the face, happy laughs and chuckles rumbling through the firm chest, wide open and soft eyes and half humming, half singing a nursery rhyme, that’s the way the leader of the Sanctuary sat on the couch in the bright living room, bouncing Judith softly on his leg while she giggled enthusiastically.
Right now it was hard to picture this man, who acted so fatherly and kind in these very moments, with blood splatted over his leather jacket and his salt and pepper beard, laughing mockingly, an odd, terrifying and still jolly glance stuck in possessed looking eyes and a bloody baseball bat in his hand on whose barbed wires stuck bone, flesh and brain mush of two of your friends.
Still you forced yourself to, as you sat on the other couch, glancing at him and your younger sister while you tried to keep the new picture from growing too much on you as it let, much to your annoyance, a warmth grow in you.
But all the work of suppressing didn’t pay off as some new thoughts began to sneak into your mind.
Did he have a family before all this? Had he been a Dad and had bounced his own children on his leg like Judith right now before the world had gone south, had made him lose them and had turned a part of him into the person you had seen that night?
Or didn’t he ever have children but had wished to and it had for some reason never worked before the apocalypse had taken this chance once for all away from him?
Or maybe, he was just a damn psychopath playing games with you right in these seconds.
Cursing inwardly about yourself you leaned deeper into the soft beige fabric of the couch, gulping heavily as you tried to deny that there was something in you that felt drawn to whatever the hell was happening in front of your eyes.
“Loosened your bodice a bit, Sweetheart?”, Negan asked, suddenly with that signature grin on his lips even though there still was a good bit of the heartfelt smile left as he ripped you out of your trance.
Your glance shot at him, shocked by the sudden sound you had heard as a throaty laugh was filling the air.
“Just thought ‘cause…damn Baby, you were smiling at me and I hadn’t seen that yet”, he grinned, his hazel eyes were darting right into yours while you could feel some heat rushing into your cheeks, displaying the embarrassment that was running through your veins along with the anger about yourself.
“No need to blush”, Negan grinned, letting his tongue run over his lower lip, “Even though I really gotta say I fuckinglike that view.”
“Got some other shit for you on my mind that could make you fucking blush as well”, he grinned, winking at you while another throaty chuckle rumbled through his chest.
You were still perplex, trying to get yourself back in line as you clenched your jaw tightly and tried to get think of a comeback.
Instead you just narrowed your glance slightly, put the uninterested expression back on as well as you could right now while Negan was still grinning widely at you, now with his brows perked up.
“Oh I see whatcha trying to do”, he mumbled smirking, still lightly bouncing Judith on his leg, “But you can’t hide what was already fucking seen.”
You gulped, biting your inner cheek as you felt horribly insecure and exposed right in these moments, not able to fight back because you actually knew that he was right.
No matter how much you hated it.
As if he knew what you were thinking, he knowingly grinned and chuckled lightly as he slightly shook his head before he glanced back at the quietly giggling Judith.
“Maybe you should go tell your big sis that I’m not as much of a bad fella as she wants to think. May-fucking-be you should tell her that big ol’ Negan’s actually a damn fine man”, he chuckled right before you heard Judith giggling a little louder as her tiny and chubby hands reached out to Negan and made a soft grabbing motion.
“Yeah? Will you do that?”, Negan cooed, chuckling while the big smile made his dimples visible and let the pearly white teeth flash up.
You gulped, feeling how the warmth that was still lingering in you got joined by a whole other mix of different feelings which turned into a whirlwind of emotions inside you just as Judith giggles hushed as she quietly yawned.
Playfully, Negan widened his eyes as much as Judith widened her small mouth before she let herself drop down and slump right against him, without even finishing her yawn yet.
Her rosy cheek pressed flush against Negan’s chest as her chubby fingers softly grabbed the fabric of his white shirt and curled her hands into small fists to hold a little closer onto it as she let go of the yawn.
“After some nap? Alright”, Negan chuckled before he looked to his side, “But I think you forgot something fucking important.”
With that he grabbed the grey elephant that had been leaning against his side this whole time before he carefully pulled it over to Judith, whose eyes were lightening up by the sight of her favorite stuffed animal and whose hand was leaving Negan’s shirt for a moment to take the elephant into her small embrace.
“There we go”, he quietly chuckled, placing the plushy in her arm that was almost too big for her to hold.
Still, she did as she closed her eyes and some small curls fell into her relaxed face before the way Negan’s arms wrapped around the small body on his lap got your attention right back to him.
The grin was gone again as he kept her safely against his chest, one of his large hands moved up to cup the side of her small head while the heartfelt smile was fully taking its place again that forced you to throw the acting psychopath theory over board.
This right there, this was real and genuine.
And while he began to dandle her into a dovish slumber, you could feel how the smile began to grow on your face again, slowly but surely, until it had curled the corners of your lips up. And just as you realized what was happening again, what this whirlwind inside you was doing to you, a pair of hazel eyes darted right back up into yours and damned you to let this whirlwind rage wilder until, earlier or later, in weeks or in months, it would make you loose any control over it once for all.
Summary: When the Reader finds herself injured and separated from Negan and his men in the middle of the woods, she has this one thing of his with her that makes her realize what she’s fighting for and keeps her going till the very end.
This is my entry for @twdsunshine ‘s 1K writing challenge. My prompt was “leather jacket” and I had honestly a whole lot of fun writing this! It’s a wild mix of fluff, angst and some smut with a bunch of flashbacks, so there’s something for everyone. There’s also gonna be a lot more entries besides mine, so make sure to check them out as well as the awesome work of the host as well!
A strained groan left your lips as you slowly began to dive back into consciousness, the weight on your eyelids almost too heavy to allow you to open them. Slowly, your exhausted and blurry glance tried to get a look of its surrounding and tried to keep itself from being dazzled by the sun rays that shone through the crowns of the trees. A dry cough rumbled through your ribcage and made you flinch slightly in pain, just before your other senses began to switch on again as you heard the sound of a happily singing bird and felt something familiar enclosing you. Warm and smooth leather that hugged your body and enshrouded you with its scent while its zippers clinked slightly whenever you moved your strained body a bit. And with the moment you began to grasp whose leather jacket was clinging onto your body, memories began to slowly sneak back into your muddled mind and turned into a bunch of puzzle pieces that longed to be unraveled. The run in the woods, the darkness of the chilly night, Negan who was wrapping his leather jacket around you, his lips that pressed a soft kiss on yours, his voice that told you that he needed you to join the trucks that got on the direct way back to the Sanctuary while he was taking care of the ones that took a detour to another small abandoned village to search for some more supplies, the sound of his departing trucks and then the part of the night that had let you end up leaning dazzled and injured against a tree in the middle of the forest. All you could remember were walkers, a lot of them as you were just preparing to take off in direction home, that many that you found yourself enclosed by them in the darkness. You could still hear the voices of Negan’s men booming through the night, one yelling out for you, another screaming back to just get the hell away from the dead and flesh craving corpses no matter who got left behind and a third who called out that they were singing up for a just as painful death by Negan’s hand if they’d leave you behind. All you could remember from that part on was your fight for your life, the feeling of dead hands grabbing you and cold and thick blood that ran over your hands as you tried to kill as many as you could before there was no other choice for you than to run as you heard the trucks beginning to drive back home, without you. You had no idea how long you had run, you had no idea how you managed to keep going even after you had plunged in the dark down a rocky hill, you had no idea how long you had stayed trembling on the ground as soon as your body took revenge on you and urged it to drain itself repeatedly until nothing but bile was leaving your exhausted body before you crawled over the earthy ground and everything got black.
You winced in pain as you tried to move, feeling how every bone hurt, every muscle ached and brought more and more panic into your body while the only thing that brought a little comfort into your body was the feeling of his jacket enclosing you, its smoothness and his scent that was stuck in it, just like the thought that he must’ve already started to search for you. After all, this wouldn’t be the first time he’d find you in the woods and turn something as simple as a leather jacket into something with a lot more meaning, a meaning that had just increased since your very first moments with him and developed to something that was running like a golden thread through all kind of stages of your relationship.
Darkness surrounded you as pain and piercing coldness shook through your aching body, the unconsciousness keeping your eyes closed while your body tried to fight its way back to consciousness. Your muddled mind tried to grasp something, tried to grasp what had happened before everything went black. Walkers. Not just one but many walkers were the first thing that popped up in your mind, their groans echoing through your head as you could see yourself running weakly through the forest, starved by days without finding food that made every step feel like torture and that made it impossible for you to even try to fight them. There were a bunch of holes in your memory, blackouts after blackouts until you found yourself stumping into a small river, trying to escape the dead with the last chance you seemed to have. Blackness. Again. And the very last thing what you could remember was the biting coldness of the water until you heft yourself with the very last strength you had onto the riverside, crawled towards a tree to get yourself back on your feet before your body gave in and everything went once for all black. But now you weren’t there anymore, you weren’t there at the riverside, there was no cold and earthy ground beneath your body, no harsh wind that hit against your face. But there was something instead. Something a little softer beneath your aching muscles, something around you that made it shake slightly here and now, and then, there were voices that almost made your muddled and still in darkness drowned mind think you were hallucinating. “I don’t give a shit, Brad. Didn’t save that girl for fucking nothing, so scrape up all the goddamn blankets you got”, were the first words that sounded through to you, your mind still not able to fully process them before heavy footsteps made their way closer. “Don’t need her to freeze to fucking death after this shitton of work”, the deep voice from before echoed through your mind again before the footsteps eventually came to a stop. The coldness was still stuck in your bones and muscles, letting you feel like thousands of needles pierced into your skin as another shudder shook heavily through your body. “Fuck”, the deep voice scoffed, shuffling noises sounding through your head before you felt something warm and smooth enclosing you. The warmth felt soothing for your aching muscles as it fought against the coldness while comforting scents began to lull you in. A familiar mixing with a new one as they encased you closer, the familiar slowly turning out to be one that had always acted soothingly on you. The scent of leather. And just as you felt it wrapping a little closer around you, its warmth filling you a little more up as your mind tried to figure out the new one, the unconsciousness dragged you back into its depths.
When the darkness began to let you go again, the leather was gone. Its smoothness, its scent, all of it. Instead the feeling of sheets surrounded you, something beneath you that was even softer than whatever had laid under your body before. A small groan left your lips as a pain filled shudder ran through you, causing your body to flick slightly while once again voices and the sound of footsteps echoed through your head. ”Holy hell”, you heard the deep voice from before say not too far from you as the unconsciousness slowly let go of you and finally allowed you to slowly wake up. Gradually, your eyes fluttered open until they caught the source of the voice towering right over you. There were hazel eyes wandering over your face, dark if not black hair securely slicked back, a salt and pepper beard surrounding smirking lips and the leather that had enclosed your body before was now clinging in form of a black leather jacket to broad shoulders, the silver of its zippers gleaming slightly in the light that was dazzling your tired eyes. And then, the man with the leather jacket spoke up again. “Hi, I’m Negan.”
You let another dry cough out as you slowly began your felt thousandth try to lift yourself up, wincing and flinching as soon as you put too much pressure on your injured body before you finally got yourself somehow onto your feet. You needed to keep going, you needed to find water and something to eat. You breathed sharply in and out, each breath feeling like you were cutting strains into your throat while you clung onto the leather jacket that protected you from the chilly wind that was rushing through the swathes of the trees.
The cold wind was biting into your skin as you stood on one of the platforms that stuck to the Sanctuary’s walls, looking over the compound in hope that this night would stay as peaceful as it seemed while your chilly hands dug into the gun before you let it down and leaned it against the railing. This day had been sunny, even warm and had let you hope that your shift in the middle of the night wouldn’t end up as cold as it actually was right now. A tight breath left your lips as you let your eyes wander over the walls, hoping that your shift wouldn’t take too long anymore while you inwardly cursed yourself for agreeing to pick up the slack for the usual look out in the night. Just as you shook your legs a little out to keep your muscles from feeling worn out and you ran on of your hands over the sleeves of your jacket, wishing that it would get you a little warmer you heard the squeaking of the metallic door behind you. ″No need to fucking worry, just me”, you heard Negan chuckle before you glanced at him, catching the tall man opening the heavy door wider. ″Mind if I join you for a bit?”, he asked, his signature grin dancing around the corners of his lips while his eyes darted in the faint light at you. ″No”, you just mumbled back, giving him a small smile as he slipped next to you on the platform while you couldn’t deny that a little nervousness sneaked up in you as the Sanctuary’s leader walked up right next to you, even though this wasn’t by far the first time he was visiting you during a shift. “Simon told me you took this shift over for tonight, thought you could use some company. Late night shifts are the crappiest fuckers, especially when it’s fucking dick-shrinking cold”, Negan scoffed out with a small chuckle before he leaned his baseball bat against the metallic railing and glanced with his signature grin at you. “Yeah, they are”, you muttered as you stroke with your hands over your jacket’s sleeve once again, trying to let the friction get some warmth into you. Suddenly you heard the sound of a zipper and the clinking of a belt before you glanced over to Negan and saw him beginning to slip his leather jacket off his arms. “Now I know this is cliché as fuck but I won’t let you freeze your sweet ass off”, he chuckled as he got it out of his sleeves. “Negan, you don’t have to. I got a jacket and you’re gonna freeze too”, you quickly said, seeing how goosebumps spread over his arms before he already held the jacket in from of you with a wider grin. “Well, I don’t give a damn fuck about that but I want you to be cozy fucking warm…Now I’d offer you another damn way to heat you up, but I guess this is a damn good start”, he quietly chuckled before you let out a small laugh as well as some heat creeped up into your cheeks before stretched your hand out and grabbed his large jacket. “Thank you”, you said with a smile as you slid your arms into the warm leather, quickly feeling it enclosing you while Negan’s pleasant scent began to enshroud you. Before the cold could sneak more into you, you wrapped the way too big jacket tighter around your body and snuggled into the cozy warmth his body had brought into it. You could see from the corner of your eyes how Negan’s glance was stuck on you while you tried to keep more heat from sneaking into your cheeks to not expose how much you actually began to like wearing his jacket. And while his jacket brought more warmth into your body, Negan himself managed with his remarks and his throaty laugh to make a part of you wish that the night shift you had damned before wouldn’t go on for a little longer while.
Every step got harder, your hand was clinging onto your knife that was covered in dark and dried walker blood while you fought against the dizziness that was trying to let you crash back to the hard ground. Your exhausted glance could catch spots of blood on your clothing that could either be walker’s or your own, but the aching of your whole body didn’t allow you to find out how many wounds you actually had, nor how bad they actually were. All you knew was that you couldn’t let them become more. You were stuck in a painful trance, afraid that you would stumble upon a walker that would have an easy game with you in the state you were in now and afraid that you couldn’t find a way back home or a way closer to the search troops Negan had most likely already send out. He had, right? Or was he still on the run, still unaware that you weren’t home but in the fucking middle of nowhere? You had no idea how long you had been unconscious, but since you were still in one piece and no walker had taken a bite off of you, it couldn’t be too long. Your fingertips began to dig into the long sleeves of his leather jacket, trying to use it as your emotional crutch to keep the destroying thoughts out of your head and to keep tears from flooding your eyes so you wouldn’t fully break apart. You had to fight, you just had to survive and keep going, but that was easier said than done, no matter how long you had already spent outside alone before you had met Negan. You were injured, that dizzy that it was a small wonder that you were still on your feet, you threatened to dehydrate and your muddled and hurting mind was playing games and tricks on you which you couldn’t control. You could feel a lump beginning to grow in your throat and the fear of never being able to get home and see Negan again began to make itself a cozy nest in your body. Just as you breathed shakily out and felt like the dizziness was about to win its fight over you, your glance suddenly caught something glimmering and moving in the distance that got accompanied by a soft purling sound. Your eyes widened as soon as you began to realize what was laying right there in front of you, enlightened by sunlight that shone onto it and that streamed as opponent of the wind warmly through the woods as you first allowed yourself to grasp genuine hope again.
“Today’s the fucking day!”, Negan announced enthusiastically as he lead you into a kitchen in one of the Sanctuary’s more secluded buildings and the delicious smell of tomato sauce traveled up your nose. “Today’s the damn day you get to taste my fucking tasty as shit spaghetti”, Negan chuckled loudly as he shoved his leather jacket off his arms and swung it over one of the wooden chairs that stood by a table and a large window that darted at the endless seeming woods. This wasn’t the first time you were eating with him here in this kitchen that seemed compared to the Sanctuary’s usual fabric atmosphere pretty cozy with its wooden cabinets and the dusk’s sunlight that streamed warmly into the room, but it was the first time a very excited Negan had enough ingredients to make his self announced legendary spaghetti. “The only damn thing that tastes better is my meaty dick”, he teased, leaning back as he grinned at you while you let out a small laugh as you shook your head playfully about his remark. Letting the fabric of your jacket slide off your skin you walked over to the chairs before Negan rushed over to you, grabbed the lean of the chair and shoved it back for you. “What?”, he chuckled as you looked surprised up at him and saw him cocking a brow at you, “We got spaghetti, we got us two, looks like we got a fucking date.” Winking at you he grinned widely, and with that sentence he had turned the casual meals with him in this secluded kitchen you’ve been having for a good while into your first date with him. And even though the surprise got you into a small trance for a moment, you couldn’t deny that you a part of you was jumping in joy.
Even though you had at first thought Negan would exaggerate the tastiness of his spaghetti, after the first few bites you had to admit that he his remarks about it seemed now almost understated. The herbs mixed perfectly with the freshness and fruitiness of the tomatoes and if you were honest you couldn’t remember the last time you had eaten something as delicious as the spaghetti you were devouring right in these moments. “If you’re sucking dick with the same enthusiasm…then holy crap”, Negan chuckled nodding at you as you glanced up from your almost empty plate and kicked his legs beneath the table playfully. “Hey, I was just admiring you”, he teased before shoved another spoon full of spaghetti into his mouth and grinned at you as soon as he licked the rest of the red sauce off his lips. “Sure”, you snickered with a slight sarcastic undertone as you got back to your spaghetti but saw from the corner of your eyes how he was still grinning widely at you.
Only a few minutes later both of you had finished, his leather jacket was hugging his body again as it had become a little chilly while his hand had almost naturally found to yours and was right now loosely holding it as his thumb caressed slowly over your knuckles and made it impossible for you to keep a smile off your lips. You glanced at him, catching how a smile had mixed into his signature grin as well before his eyes caught yours and a small chuckle rumbled through his chest. “I got an idea”, he grinned, giving your hand a small, playful squeeze before he stood up and walked over to the old radio that stood on one of the wooden counters. Just as some slow music began to play and Negan turned smirking around, you fully realized what he had been planning and by the look that must have stuck in your eyes, Negan seemed to get what you were thinking about his idea. “Come on, it’s a date, we gotta do more than just eat”, he chuckled as he stretched his large hand out to you and let his charming yet roguish smirk dance over his lips. “Negan, I can’t dance”, you said, trying to spare you from an embarrassment before you already saw him shaking his head. “Bullshit, everybody can, you too. And you got me with ya, nothing can go fucking wrong”, he chuckled before you let out a small breath and gave yourself a big push to finally let your hand slide into his. Quickly and as if he wanted to make sure that you weren’t making a backtrack, he wrapped his hand tightly around yours and helped you up, just to directly pull you into his embrace as soon as you stood on your feet. “Got ya”, he grinned before his hand engulfed yours a little closer and raised it carefully up before his other arm sneaked around your waist and pulled you tightly against his firm chest. There was still some nervousness stuck in your body that turned your hands clammy and made you tense slightly before his touch and warmth made you slowly loose up as you almost unconsciously you laid your head against his shoulder. His head began to lean against yours as your nose nuzzled into the nook of his neck while your cheek pressed softly against the warm leather that engulfed his broad shoulders. Its scent mixed blissfully with Negan’s own that made you swing more and more in a kind of trance that made you feel a wild mix of emotions. Softly swinging to the slow rhythm of the music you heard Negan’s deep voice humming along the melody, his chest rising and falling beneath the leather jacket softly against yours while his warm breath hit your skin and let goosebumps spread over your whole body in a blissful way that made you wish that the song would never end.
Exhausted and only carried by determination, hope and the last bit of strength your body could provide you finally let yourself fall by the riverside, your eyes still wandering over the woods and the water to make sure that you were as lonely as it seemed. You glanced back to the water that was flowing in waves past you and made the thirst you had worse than it had already been. Hell, you knew the risks of just drinking this water but right now, right in these moments you knew that you had to to keep going to get away from the dehydration that was spreading out in your body and to have a chance to even go on. You couldn’t think about what it could do to you in a few days or a week, you had to survive right now to even have a chance to still be alive in those few days or a week.
As soon as your trembling hands were free from dried walker blood you sunk them back into the water, allowing your palms to form a small cup before you slowly got it up to your lips and finally felt the cold wet streaming down your dry throat. Groaning slightly in response to the blissful feeling you began to shove more and more of it into you, right until you felt like you couldn’t take more. Gasping for air you began to lean forward again, trying to shut the warnings and aching shots of pain your body was sending you out until you could glimpse into the picture the water was presenting you. God, you looked horrible. A wound boasted on your temple the fall down rocky hill must have given to you, your lips were bursted form the tartness of the bile and your eyes were slightly puffed from the tears you had shed. Leaning back you could feel another pain filled shudder running through every inch of your body before you began to clean your face up, trying to let the cold water give your body and mind the ability to think clearly again.
All the light that hit the flowing river turned into a warm orange tone and your eyes caught how the sun began to vanish behind the skyline of the trees. When you had the luxury of a home, those times of the day were one of the most soothing and peaceful but right now, it just forced you to remember that you were about to continue your game and fight with the ticking clock of time and the urge to survive. You couldn’t rest on this succeed of finding water, you needed to find safe place to sleep. Now.
Slowly, your eyes fluttered open as you felt how the mattress bend slightly behind you and a familiar warmth began to fill the bed as soon as you heard Negan’s voice and felt shifting beneath the sheets, just like he had been doing it every night for a while now. “Shit…sorry, Sweetheart. Didn’t want to wake you up”. he grumbled before a yawn fell from his lips as he let himself fall next to you, wrapped his arms around you from behind and cradled you against his still leather clad chest. “Negan, you still got your jacket on”, you mumbled tiredly, a small chuckle leaving your lips as Negan cuddled even closer up. “I don’t give a fuck. I’m tired as shit”, he grumbled as he buried his face into the nook of your shoulder, pressing a sloppy kiss on the side of your neck. With a small smile you turned around in his arms, pressed a soft peck on his lips and let your fingers reach up to the zipper in his jacket’s middle while Negan’s tired eyes watched you pulling it down in the faint light. “Thought you like the jacket”, he mumbled teasingly with a small, drowsy chuckle before you looked up to catch his glance. “I love the jacket”, you mumbled back as instead of brushing it off his shoulders, you let your arm slip around his torso, between the warmth and smoothness of the leather and the softness of his white shirt’s fabric. Nuzzling your face into his warm chest you hummed softly while it vibrated slightly against you as a small but throaty chuckle rumbled through it. Feeling how his leather clad arms wrapped tighter around you and his head leaned against yours you closed your eyes again and drowned in his comforting scent. “Goodnight, Baby”, Negan grumbled yawning as you cuddled a little closer up. “Goodnight.”
Trembling and wrapping the large leather jacket tighter around your body you found yourself huddled up against a tree while the darkness had conquered the night sky. Above you leaned another tree that must have crushed against the other in a storm a while ago and which had gotten caught by the thick branches of the stem you were pressing your exhausted body against. It wasn’t the best hideout from walkers, you knew that but the crown of the crushed tree that was hanging over you was building a small roof that was enough to keep hungry, dead corpses off of you. At least for now. Feeling the cold ground beneath your body you cursed about your hurting and aching body that didn’t allow you to even try to climb a tree, nor to make this little place a little more suitable and safe for you. You could be glad that you were able to haul yourself this far and didn’t have to sleep fully exposed to the cold wind and flesh craving dead. With trembling hands and tight breaths you tried to wrap the jacket even tighter around you, snuggling your head against the soft collar to let its smoothness and scent comfort you. And even though the jacket began to have a soothing effect on you again, there was nothing more you wished for right now than to find yourself back in the large bed like every other night, feel the way the soft, dark sheets were hugging your body while Negan’s arms were wrapped tightly around you and cradled you against his warm chest. All that was what kept you going in these moments when instead of Negan’s arms, the coldness and the lingering danger of the forest enclosed you before your exhaustion dragged you into its darkness.
Stripped naked and only wearing Negan’s leather jacket you laid on his large king size bed, surrounded by soft, black pillows and sheets while Negan hovered over you, admiring the view you were giving him. His beard and lips were glistening in your own juices as he grinned down at you, his eyes darkened as he let his tongue slide over his lower lip before he leaned in to let you taste yourself as he captured your lips in a hungry kiss. “You got no damn idea how long I’ve already wanted to fuck you in my damn jacket”, Negan purred against your lips before he leaned down to place hot kisses on your neck, grabbing and pulling his jacket further over your body while your fingers entangled in his dark hair. Grinding against you and nibbling on your sensitive skin, a gasp fell from your lips as he made sure that you knew how much it turned him on to see you wearing something of his. The warm and smooth leather felt even softer against your bare skin than the sheets beneath your body, his scent was all around you and combined into an intoxicating mixture along with his lingering and hungry touches, kisses and glances. “The first damn time I saw you wearing it…fuck, I could have already bent you over that damn railing on that platform and fuck your brains out”, he purred against your heated skin as he kissed and fondled your breasts, sending warm and almost electric shivers down your spine before he grabbed your hips roughly, ready fulfill his longing. Wrapping his strong arms tightly around your leather clad body you began to feel his weight pressing in on you before a breathy gasp fell from your lips as soon as you felt him sinking inch by inch deeply into your heat. A low groan fell from his lips as he was burying himself in your depths, his eyes shut for a moment before they fluttered slowly open, ready to catch your reactions to everything he was about to do to you. His lips captured yours once again, claiming you with each caress and with each and every time his hips snapped against yours as he thrusted himself deeper into you while you clung onto him, desperate and eager to feel all of him. His body and his leather jacket made it feel like you were completely enclosed by him as the thrusts of his throbbing dick, the mixture of rough and caressing touches, his voice and his low groans and moans, the marks he left on you along with his kisses turned you more and more into a trembling and moaning mess. And the very same happened to him as he got more and more lost in you, his hair tousled, his skin glistening in sweat while your touches, kisses, the rhythm you put in your hips to meet his thrusts and the simple mixture of your bare skin that was partly enclosed by his jacket made him shake in lust. With each pound and each touch he finally carried first you to your high, then the mixture of it all brought himself to his own as he collapsed heavily breathing and cursing against you, filling you with his hot release as he held tightly onto you even after the aftershocks of his orgasm had ebbed away.
The sun was already shining brightly when you stumbled through the forest, your body ached worse after the lack of care for your injuries and the hard ground you had spent the night on was taking its revenge on you. You throat felt like a dry desert again while your stomach rebelled as as you were that hungry that you were feeling utterly sick and dizzy. By now you were too weak to hunt or to try to search for some kind of berries that could get you through the next days, all you knew was that you had to find some road, some kinda street to follow so you had a chance to find back home or to be picked up by some search troops you were still praying for. One of your hands was grasping the end of the leather jacket’s too long sleeve, the other was clinging to your knife to at least give you the feeling that you could defend yourself it if would come hard on hard. Feeling how your legs got wobblier with each step you began to feel the helplessness rising in your body, the feeling of not being able to make it no matter how much you wanted it. Gritting your teeth in anger you cursed under your breath about yourself, about those thoughts you allowed to sneak up more often than you liked. This wasn’t just about you, this was about Negan too. You couldn’t put him through the pain of losing someone again, right? You couldn’t just give up, this wasn’t you nor did he deserve that. You had to go on, maybe just to see him wearing this damn leather jacket one more time instead of having it hanging on your trembling and weakly body till the very end.
“Baby? Hey, wake up”, you heard Negan’s voice mumble and felt his warm hand placing on your shoulder as he began to let you dive out of your sleep. “Hey”, you grumbled drowsily back, feeling how a smile began to grow on your sleepy face as you saw him sitting on the edge of your bed. “Come in”, you mumbled, shifting a little on the mattress and pulling the sheets up to let him slip in while you longed to feel him close after not being able to see him all day long. “Wait, didn’t wake you up for no good…I gotta tell you something”, Negan muttered as he fumbled nervously on the zipper of his leather jacket’s sleeve and made some confusion rush into your still dozy body. “What?”, you quietly mumbled, a thousands of possible scenarios already rushing through your mind as his hesitation and nervousness didn’t help. Negan breathed uneasily out, clenched his jaw tightly and “You know I….hell, I only fucking want you, right? I just-…fuck”. he grumbled, running his hand over his salt and pepper stubble while your body got filled up with more questions and emotions as he eventually let go of his jacket and looked right up into your eyes. “I left them”, he brought out as his glance wandered nervously over your face in the faint light, trying to read any reaction off of it while you thought for a moment that you were still dreaming all of this. You knew he hadn’t been with them for a long time by now, he had made sure that you knew but leaving them was turning what you had into something official, something that was about to change a lot for him as soon as it would spread like a wildfire through the Sanctuary. Happiness began to stream through your body as his words echoed through your head, letting you swing in a trance that got uphold by a cocktail of emotions which ran through your veins. “Did it this morning, hell, I wanted to tell you earlier…fuck, I should’ve even done that crap earlier and I-”, he began as his glance trailed off of you before you cut him off by moving in to wrap your arms around his neck as soon as your emotions were taking over. You could feel his chest rumbling against yours as he let out a relieved gasp and wrapped his arms tightly around yours, pressing your body closely against his as you snuggled your face into the curve of his neck while the rest of you felt his warmth through the soft leather of his jacket that melted right into the one his confession had brought into your body.
So you kept moving, slow and threatening to fall any second, but you moved. You tried to keep your senses as alert as you could, tried to keep your glance concentrated on the danger that could linger anywhere and tried to keep your muddled mind from tricking your ears into thinking that your slow and shuffling steps were the ones of walkers instead of your own. Sharply breathing in and out you made your way through the forest, hoping that you’d find a road somewhere in between this endless seeming wilderness. And just as your thoughts and hopes made your senses slow down, you suddenly felt cold and bony hands grabbing you by your shoulders.
You panted heavily, walker blood covered your hands and the knife you were grasping tightly while tears burned in your eyes as you stood in the middle of the forest, dead walkers laying to your feet as your panicfilled glance rushed over the trees and searched for the man you had lost as soon as the walkers had unexpectedly turned up on your run. “Negan?”, you called out as your voice got muffled by the growing lump in your throat while your body trembled like an aspen leaf and was conquered by the blood freezing fear of loss. “Negan..please”, you whimpered now as you could get your shaking body to take a few steps over the bloody corpses on the ground. Suddenly you heard footsteps, fast and heavy ones instead of slow and slurfing steps of walkers before your tears clouded eyes first caught something appearing between the trees that made you exhale deeply. Negan’s black leather jacket. A giant burden fell from your shoulder within milliseconds as you saw him rushing towards you, allowing you to breathe properly for the first time after the reanimated corpses had emerged in the forest. “(Y/N)”, Negan gasped out as he rushed closer, his hair tousled, his eyes as clouded as yours and his leather jacket splattered with dark red blood that stuck in small drops to his face as well. “Fuck”, his voice scoffed relieved and thick with emotion out as you let the knife fall out of your hands as soon as he pulled you into his embrace, pressing you against his body as you wrapped your arms as tightly around him as he had his slung around yours. “Shit, I was so goddamn scared…”, he gulped as he pressed you flush against him, burying his face into the nook of your shoulder while your fingers dug into the leather of his jacket, as if he’d vanish into thin air as soon as you’d let go. You didn’t even know what to say, you just let him cradle you as much as his chest as he could, let him hold you tightly so you could actually realize that this wasn’t just a hallucination. “Fuck…I love you”, Negan pressed still heavily panting out of his lips while your body got conquered by a complete other set of emotions as soon as you heard him say those three little words you hadn’t heard him say until this very moment “So fucking much”, he grumbled into the curve of your neck, while you were still overwhelmed, relieved and filled with a warmth he had just brought into your body while you were still clinging onto him, knowing that his muddled mind probably hadn’t even realized yet what he had just told you. “I love you too”, you mumbled back as you felt for the first time how he let slowly go of you until his glance could meet yours. He was smiling brightly, still pumped full with adrenaline and the cocktail of emotions that was running through your veins as well as your hands ran over his leatherjacket until you could rest your hands on his chest that was still rising and falling heavily beneath your palms Within moments Negan’s hands wandered up to your face, cupping your jaw before his lips pressed in a longing, desperate and relief filled kiss on yours. And within those small moments as you stood tousled and covered in blood of the walkers at your feet in the middle of nowhere, the day that could have ended as the worst turned into one of the best.
A gasping cry left your dry throat as you stumbled to the ground, groaning as soon as your back hit the earthy hardness while your panicking eyes caught the dead eyes of the corpse that was falling right onto your body. Groans and grunts left the rotting and wide open wrenched mouth of the walker, its arms trying to keep grab you to get you closer while adrenaline shot within seconds through your veins, shutting your mind down and activating the last bit of strength that was stuck in your body. Heavily panting and with more and more panic rushing through your body you struggled to keep the corpse from coming closer while its death reek was beginning to travel up your nose as it snapped towards you, just waiting for the right moment to sink its teeth into your flesh. Trying to tighten the grasp you still had on your knife you tried to get it closer to the walker’s head, tried to find a way around its arms that kept you locked to the ground. Panting, pumped full with adrenaline and fighting for your life you finally felt how thick, cold blood ran over your hand and dropped down onto the leather jacket as you buried the knife into the walker’s head, hearing its groans hush as they got replaced by the sound of the knife’s blade as it slid out of the bone.
Rolling the corpse off of you, you found yourself clinging to the ground, first noticing that hot tears were falling down your cheeks as whimpers left your trembling lips. Shaking you tried to gasp for air, still cowering on the ground like an animal that had just been shot by a hunter and was slowly bleeding out. The adrenaline was beginning to leave your veins and allowed your mind to work again as you began to realize that you couldn’t stay huddled like this to the ground, not in this position that made you weaker than you already were and not with a dead walker next to you which could have along with your fight attracted more of them.
You weren’t sure how long it took you to get back on your feet, to keep going even though it felt like you had a heavy rock tied to your neck that was dragging you further to the ground with every passing second. And while the dried tears began to leave an uneasy tension on your skin and your throat felt as rough as scrap paper, you kept clinging onto the jacket as if it could protect you and lead the way towards home. And just as you began to feel how your knees began to buckle and slowly give in, you suddenly saw the view of blacktop appearing between the trees and heard just as suddenly voices in the distance, familiar voices.
“Boss, we we’ve been driving and walking up and down the route about a thousand times already…I-”
“And we’ll drive this shit route another thousand fucking times if needed, we’ll brush our asses through this motherfucking forest for millions of fucking times. I don’t give a fucking shit. We don’t go back till we got her. Is that understood?”
By the sound of his voice you flinched and felt your eyes widen, felt your pulse going up within seconds as it pounded in your ears, felt your body pumping happiness through your veins that filled your body with new strength just before your muddled mind began to play games with you again. Were you just hallucinating all of this? Were you just so desperate to come back to him that you were making this all up? Was this your body sending you some last warnings that your fight was slowly coming to an end? You didn’t know. And just as you felt how the doubts tried to rise above you, you decided to fight them and find out yourself, as long as you still could.
Gaining your very last strength up you hauled yourself towards road, a part of you still telling you that it would vanish into thin air as soon as you would reach it. But it didn’t, the blacktop was solid and firm beneath your shoe soles and as you looked up, your eyes caught trucks not too far away from you, along with people that were buzzing around it and were streaming here and there into the woods. Tears of relief began to shoot into your eyes as you stumbled towards your release, while there was still a fear lingering deep inside you that you would wake up any second, cowering against the tree in the middle of the dark woods. But instead a gasp left your lips as soon as you saw faces beginning to dart at you while you were just searching for this one man but found another who began to walk warily towards you. Dark eyes darted at you, a thick mustache surrounded his lips and his brows were puckered in disbelief before they began to loosen up as he started to fully recognize your face. “It’s me”, you pressed out of your dry throat, desperate to make this hell stop, desperate to make any of them fully realize that you were the person they were searching for, desperate to feel Negan’s arms wrapped around you. “Boss! Boss, we got her”, Simon yelled out, and just as your eyes began to see him jogging towards you and just as you could feel his fingertips grasping you your mind realized that you were finally safe and allowed your body to give in under the burden and pain it had fought through for way too long.
But while your body gave in, you didn’t allow yourself to dive into the depths of unconsciousness just yet. There was something, someone, you had to see before you could do that.
Nevertheless you could feel your eyes fluttering, could feel your knees buckling before you slumped to the ground, only caught by Simon’s arms that kept you from collapsing right against the hard road. Your mind swung somewhere between the consciousness and unconsciousness as you suddenly heard heavy and fast footsteps coming closer that made it feel like the blacktop was vibrating beneath their force. All until they suddenly slowed down and your eyes that forced to close any second finally saw the face of the person you had longed for since you had ran away from the herd of walkers. Your blurry glance didn’t allow you to see the glance in his eyes or see if his lips were curled up, you could just catch the outlines of his face, the salt and pepper beard and the dark hair but it was more than enough for you. And with this little glimpse you got you allowed your body to sink into the darkness.
The next time you dived for seconds back into consciousness you heard the zooming sound of engines and felt strong arms wrapped around you that were cradling you against a warm chest, while the leather jacket was still hugging your body as a deep and familiar voice mumbled soothing words and warm lips pressed soft kisses on your forehead, just before you sunk back into the black depths.
Your body took its time stuck in unconsciousness to recover until it finally allowed you to slowly flood back into the light again. Like the very first time, you felt sheets enclosing your body and felt something soft beneath you instead of the hard ground of the forest. Something large and warm was cupping your hand, clinging onto it and caressing it before it suddenly stopped as a small groan began to leave your lips. “(Y/N)? Baby?”, you heard the soothingly familiar and deep voice say that was filled with hope, utter relief and devotion while the unconsciousness loosed its grasp even more on you and finally allowed you to slowly wake up. Gradually, your eyes began to flutter open until you finally got to see the source of the voice towering right over you. There were familiar hazel eyes wandering over your face, filled with deep affection and relief that were drowning their tiredness and the dark circles beneath them out, dark if not black hair that wasn’t slicked back but instead tousled from the thousand of times he must have run his hands through it in worry, the salt and pepper beard that was a little longer than usual and the leather jacket that had enclosed your body before was now back on him, clinging onto his broad shoulders and painting the picture you had wished for when you had stumbled through the forest. And then the man with the leather jacket didn’t speak up again, instead he leaned speechless and overpowered by his own emotions down to you until his hand could carefully and almost cautiously cup the side of your jaw and press the softest and most loving kiss he could provide on your lips that truly spoke louder than a thousand words.
As the Reader first wakes up after the accident, a beautiful confession, an unexpected visit and a tricky challenge already wait for her
part 1part 2 part 3 (none of these have to be necessarily read to understand the plot of the following part)
A dull pain was running through your veins and pounded in your head as you first began to feel how the unconsciousness was slowly letting go of you and gradually loosened its grasp it had on your body and mind. Your head felt like a complete clutter as it desperately tried to put the pieces of your memories together to finally solve the puzzle of what brought you into this darkness. As fast as a flash Negan’s face shot through your memory, his body towering over the stem of the tree that had blocked the road as you had been on your drive back to Alexandria. Stuttering your mind could project the picture of him letting the ax in his hands rush down onto the wood. The very next thing you could remember were the dead, their decomposing mouths that were wrenching hungrily open, their lifeless eyes darted at Negan as they stumbled out of the woods while the loudness of the storm didn’t let him notice the emerging danger. And then, you could only see yourself jumping out of the car, screaming for him, before your eyes caught a branch that rushed through the air, propelled by the harsh wind and then, only pain and darkness. There was only one more thing you could remember, that didn’t even withhold pictures, it were just voices, your Dad Rick’s among others and then this one familiar deep voice that said those three little words for the very first time to your seemingly unconscious self. The pain and darkness you were still stuck in wouldn’t let you know if you had hallucinated all this, if your body had just tried to grasp for some happiness in its pain but right now, you couldn’t even think more about the thing that mattered the most to you as the consciousness began to force you to let your eyes flutter open.
Soft and exhausted groans rumbled through your dry throat and left your lips as the light that streamed brightly into the room dazzled you. A gasp from somewhere next to you let you turn your aching head as your eyes began to slowly get used to the brightness before they looked right into familiar, hazel eyes. ”Hey, Baby”, you heard his deep and with relief-filled voice say as it washed some warmth into your hurting body. ”Hey”, your strained voice mumbled softly back, your eyes beginning to slowly wander over his face as you could feel his large hand wrapping a little tighter around yours. He had dark circles under his eyes, the gel out of his hair long gone as it was simply and harshly brushed back while some of his short dark curls and hair strands peaked out while his eyes were exhausted but soft as they looked at you. ”Fuck…I’ve never been so goddamn glad to see you open those pretty eyes”, you heard him say as a relieved smile formed on his lips and his hand reached up to carefully cup your cheek. ”How are you feeling?”, he asked, his thumb beginning to softly stroke over your skin as he shifted slightly next to you. ”My heads just buzzing”, you mumbled, trying to give him a small smile to not have him worrying more than he obviously already did. ”I’m so fucking sorry”, he mumbled as he harshly gulped, the smile vanishing from his face as his brows slightly puckered in distress. ”That wasn’t your fault,…it was just an accident”, you quietly said, already seeing in the way he looked at you and hearing by the way a small, scoffing and tight breath left his lips that he wasn’t done with this. You knew the fears and regrets of his past and they were obviously just mixing with the present. ”Some accident I could’ve prevented if I’d just…if I’d just seen those fuckers”, he scoffed, his jaw clenching as his hand left your cheek and stroked over his beard stubble. ”You couldn’t, that storm was too loud…believe me when I say it wasn’t your fault”, you quietly mumbled, your voice still strained as he began to slowly nod his hand wandering back to you, up to your shoulder as his fingers traced over your skin the way he knew you liked it.
”I was so goddamn scared, I-”, he gulped, his eyes following the movements of his fingers before his jaw clenched again and he looked up into your eyes. ”And I should’ve said it before…I should’ve told you way earlier and not fucking wait again till it’s almost too late, I just-”, he gulped again, a small tingling creating in your body as you remembered your last memory that might come true in these moments. Negan looked at you, obviously unknowing that your muddled mind had recognized his voice in your half unconsciousness while the muscles in his cheek twitched slightly before he finally raised his voice again. ”I love you”, he brought out, his voice and those words letting a rush of warmth and affection rush through you while his eyes didn’t let go of yours, ”Hell, I love you so fucking much.” Uneasily and even nervous this big and strong man breathed out, the glance in his eyes revealing how much he was yearning for a response while your lips curled more up. ”I love you too”, you mumbled quietly but as firm as you could back, the nervousness falling from Negan’s face as soon as he heard your voice and the familiar smirk mixed into his growing smile. He gulped slightly, a giant burden obviously and visibly falling from his shoulders as he leaned down until he could cage you between his arms and let your lips meet his.
He was more careful with his kiss than usual, as if part of him was still fearing to hurt you some more even though the hunger that was lingering in him seemed to motivate him to pull you gradually into a deeper kiss.
Smiling you could feel him slowly letting go of your lips, his forehead leaning for moments just like that against yours as before pecked your lips once again and the smile on his lips grew into the familiar, wolfish and provoking grin. ”But I mean, how could you not love me when my fucking dick’s the goddamn master of pounding orgasms in you”, he teasingly chuckled as you playfully shoved his chest as much as you could with your still weak hand. ”Oh and there’s the big mouth again”, you mumbled with another laugh against his lips and felt the relief still washing through him as a throaty chuckle rumbled through his throat. “Some fucking lucky big mouth”, he said against your lips, grinning and genuinely smiling some more before he leaned right into another kiss while a content growl of his vibrated against your lips.
”You’re hungry? Craving something? Shit, I’ll get you any fucking thing you want”, Negan said as he sat himself up again, his hand still caressing your side slightly as he gave you another small grin, “I even found some warm up muffins, if you’re up for some sweet shit.” “Sounds good”, you said with a small and soft chuckle, before the rumble it caused in your dry throat made you long for something else in these moments ,”But some water first will do just fine.” ”Shit, sure, Negan quickly said as he jumped up and walked towards one of the infirmary’s counters before he came only moments later with a water glass in his hands back.
Placing the water glass on the nightstand next to your bed you began to try to sit yourself up, your hands gripping the sheets as you first felt how weak the accident had left you. ”Come here”, Negan said as soon as your small strained and tight breaths sounded through to him. He leaned down to you and carefully wrapped his arms around you to not hurt your still weak and hurt body. As gentle as he could he lifted you a bit up until you could lean your back into the pillows, his arms staying a little longer around your body as he pressed a kiss onto the side of your neck, the familiar tickling his beard stubble sending a pleasant shiver through your body before he leaned back again. ”Alright, here you go”, Negan said as he grabbed the glass and slowly handed it over to you, his eyes darting at your slightly trembling hands before you securely grasped around it. ”Works that way?”, he asked as he watched you slowly bringing the glass to your lips, before you gave him a small nod and began to sip on the water. Even though your hands were still trembling, the flowing coolness of the water that ran through your throat made up for it until you let the glass leave your lips again. ”Looks like someone was goddamn thirsty”, Negan chuckled and grinned as he winked slightly at you, before he grabbed the glass and placed it back on the nightstand. ”Thank you”, you mumbled after a chuckle had left your lips as well and you could see Negan beginning to stand up to get you some of the food he had promised. ”Carson’s here by the way, I’ll let him come over to you”, he said as soon as he stood back on his feet, the grin and smile those three words of yours had brought onto his lips were still sticking onto them as he leaned down to press another, now more hungry and longing kiss on your lips. ”My girl”, he smirked as he backed away, his tongue running over his lower lip as he stroke one last time over your cheek before he made his way outside the infirmary.
Carson did came in, changed the big bandaid on your temple and checked if you were alright next to the obvious injuries. With every moment the tension of the accident and the unconsciousness from before seemed to wash some more out of your body, you still had aching muscles and a pounding head, but at least you felt better since you had waken up.
Slightly shifting you laid a little deeper into the pillows, searching for some more comfort for your body until you heard some footsteps coming closer towards the door of your room in the infirmary. ”Negan?”, you quietly asked, your voice still slightly strained as your glance darted to the door, waiting for him to walk right through it. But instead of Negan’s large and long shadow that drew across the floor as the door opened, a smaller one dragged itself through the sunlight before your eyes caught the man who had accidentally caught and revealed your relationship with Negan in the first place.
”Dad…”, you quietly mumbled, almost gasped as you saw him walking slowly into the room, his eyes darting at you as his jaw slightly clenched and you remembered within seconds the more disastrous last encounter you’ve had with him. Feeling how you tensed some more up and waiting for what he was about to do your glance wandered over him, seeing how he reluctantly walked some more closer until he stood at the edge of the bed. ”Couldn’t really get to you alone before…he was here 24/7…I uh…”, he gulped and hemmed and hawed, his hand running through the brunette curls as his glance darted at the floor instead of you. ”How are you feeling?”, he finally asked as his glance wandered slowly up to you again, the tension still uncomfortably palpable, even though a small bit of relief sneaked into your body just by the thought that he was at least visiting you. After all and after what had happened between you, you wouldn’t have placed a bet on it. ”My head’s still buzzing but it’s okay”, you said, trying to give him a small, hopeful smile as you could see him shuffling uneasily over the wooden floor while you knew that now that he was here, you had to take some chances. ”Dad, I-”, you began only to get cut off as he hastily raised his voice again. ”Just get better, alright?”, he asked, his jaw clenching again as he gulped and looked back at you, an odd mix of uneasiness, tension but also a tiny bit hope in his eyes. ”Can we please figure this out? Please, Dad”, you asked, feeling how the tension send a shiver through your body as he deeply sighed, his eyes still glancing at you and just as he began to slowly and reluctantly nod, you heard a familiar pair of heavy footsteps coming closer.
Within seconds Negan stood in the doorway, a plate with some warmed up muffins in his hand while his eyes were fixed on your Dad just like your Dad’s were now darting at Negan. A whole different kind of tension laid in the room, the two men staring at each other before Negan began to walk into the room, his jaw clenching slightly as your mind grasped the moment your more unconscious than conscious self had heard their voices arguing. So much had happened in this small amount of time, so much that made them despise each other even more and the very only reason they weren’t trying to strangle the other one right now was only you in this sick-bed. Your dad was standing a little longer right on the spot, as if he was trying to show Negan that if he was leaving now, he hadn’t made him do it. ”I’ll come in again some time”, he just mumbled, his glance wandering over you for not more than a second before he made his way quickly out of the room and the infirmary.
”What did he do?”, Negan asked still tensed as he sat the still warm muffins onto the nightstand, their deliciously sweet scent filling the room as you could see the way Negan’s glance darted towards the door your Dad had vanished through, then back at you. ”Asked how I was feeling”, you said, trying to soothe a bit of his tension that was revealing that he still thought your Dad might lash out again. ”Maybe this damn accident has at least some kind of advantage”, you mumbled, gulping slightly as you still saw Negan tensing ,“I know that sounds absurd, but if that at least makes him talk to me…” ”Last time he did, he fucking-”, Negan growled, his glance fixed at the door as you could see his protectiveness over you showing up again as your last encounter popped up in his head. ”I know, but if this works…things will get easier and then this whole situation will get better. For us too”, you mumbled as your still weak hand slowly reached up to his and laced around it, still trying to finally rip him away from the tension that was still filling him up. Negan’s glance wandered over to you, his eyes softening as they met yours before he let himself fall next to you. Slowly nodding he still looked at you, wrapping his large hand tighter around yours as the hope that was displaying in your eyes seemed to force him to take his protectiveness a little on the leash in order to give this hope and the slight relief you had grasped the support they needed right now.
With each moment the tension washed some more out of both of your bodies as you finally got to eat the muffins that were even more delicious than they smelled, all while Negan continued his tries to make you laugh and feel a little lighthearted, that got more and more successful with each minute.
Negan began to carry some magazines and other stuff in to give you a little entertainment in the plain infirmary room and to keep on distracting you from the problems that were waiting outside this house. So as the sun was already beginning to settle, its light turned into the warm state that filled the whole room with this specific warmth you found Negan sitting, half laying on a chair next to the bed, his long legs hooked carefully over yours while he browsed through one of the magazines he had grabbed from the pile on the nightstand, searching for something he could entertain you with. With a small chuckle you watched him, your glance stuck to the way he furrowed his brows, cursed here and there and slightly grimaced in confusion as he looked at the sides in front of him until he glanced with a grin up.
”Wanna make a test where to travel next?”, he asked as shifted slightly on the chair to get a little more comfortable. ”Yeah, alright. Go on”, you said with a small chuckle as you could already see in the wolfish and roguish glance in his eyes that there were already some remarks and ideas buzzing in his head you would soon enough know about. ”Alright first question”, he said after he cleared his throat, gave you another big smirk and glanced then away from you and onto the sides in front of him,”Where do you like to have my fucking hot cum best? a) Dripping all over your great ass b) buried deep fucking inside ya c) running down your sweet throat d) over your whole fucking stomach and-” With that he looked grinning up at you, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and just as he raised his voice again you raised yours as well with a chuckle. ”That is not the question that stands there on the page”, you teased with another chuckle as you nudged your knee a little up against his leg while a throaty chuckle rumbled through his chest. ”You’re still gonna answer?”, he asked, running his tongue slowly over his lips as he perked his brows up. ”After you’ve told me the real one”, you said with a grin before you raised your voice again ,”Anyway, maybe you’ve already named it…maybe not. But I’m pretty sure you know my answer either way.” With another chuckle you looked at him, just as he bit his lip and slowly and knowingly nodded, before he sunk back into the chair and went on with the test and its real questions…at least mostly.
”Alright, you got Bora Bora…which has some nice ass beaches to fuck on…”, he chuckled as he looked up again and gave you a big grin. ”You’re unbelievable you know that?”, you chuckled, nudging his leg once again as his throaty chuckle rumbled up his throat once again. ”Oh I sure do”, he chuckled, biting his lower lip as he raised his brows, swung his legs off yours and stood up. ”And I can now fucking officially say that you”, he chuckled as he pointed at you,”love me for that.” Smirking he leaned down, pressing a kiss onto your lips that were still pulled up into the mix of a grin and a smile. ”True?”, he mumbled against your lips as his hand cupped your jaw. ”True.”
”Don’t you need to go back to the Sanctuary?”, you asked hours later as the night had already set in for a good while, only the faint but warm light of the nightstand’s lamp filled a little part of the room ”No, and don’t let that be your concern. You gotta concentrate on recovering and just that”, Negan said as he sat on the chair again, leaning forwards so he could lean against the bed while his voice was firm and his eyes filled with concern. You gulped slightly as you looked at him, knowing that he had hundreds of people back there who would begin to ask questions if their leader was constantly at another community. ”Baby, I won’t leave till you’re completely fine again, no matter fucking what”, he said after he had seen the glance in your eyes, his voice still firm as if he felt like he had to persuade you. ”I can give them orders from here, Simon seems to be doing a good job right now so everything’s peachy”, he added, his eyes still darting at you, ”I’ll stay.” ”Okay”, you quietly mumbled with a small nod, a small yawn making its way up your throat as the exhaustion was slowly sneaking up in you again. ”Looks like someone’s fucking sleepy, huh?”, he asked as he let out a small chuckle, his fingers fumbling on the sheets that were hugging your legs before you gave him another nod and sunk a little deeper into the pillows. ”Can you come here?”, you quietly asked, longing for his warmth as the small grin still lingered on his lips. ”Fuck, sure. You want me to loose you a little up?”, he joked as he stood with another chuckle up from his chair. ”Nah, not this time”, you said with laugh before your voice turned softer, ”Can we cuddle?” ”Holy hell, of course we can”, Negan said as his glance turned a little softer as well, a smile mixing into his wolfish and roguish signature grin. You shifted a little to the side, trying to give him some more space before he sat down next to you and swung his long legs into the bed, shifting a little to make it comfortable for the both of you. Tucking himself along with you in, he wrapped his arms around you, one arm holding you tightly, the other reaching up to let his fingers trace over your arms the way he knew it would comfort you. ”Just try to relax”, he mumbled as you leaned your head against his warm chest and let its soothing rhythm of falling and rising dandle you softly. “You too”, you mumbled, still sensing the tension this whole accident was causing to him, especially as it whirled up old, painful memories. You could hear the small exhaling sound of his as his lips seemed to curl a little up before he pulled you a bit more into his embrace. “Try my best”, he mumbled as the caressing movement of his fingers continued, ”And just as I said, tomorrow morning when you wake up, I’ll still have my ass right by your damn side.” Smiling you nuzzled your face a little deeper into his chest, the overwhelming feeling of comfort and simply the greatest confession you could think of from this morning trumping the aching of your muscles and the still slight pounding of your head. ”I love you, Negan”, you mumbled into his white shirt, your smile growing a little wider as you realized once again that you were actually saying these words to him. And it grew just wider as you heard him rising his already drowsy voice again. ”I fucking love you too, Sweetheart.”
The days began to pass and with each of these days, each hour of them, you began to recover quicker than you thought. Maybe it was Negan who really did as he had told you and stayed by your side, helped you get back on your feet, even helped you shower and do the simplest things when you were still too shaky on your weak legs and who kept you distracted from any problems and issues that were lingering outside this house, just like the glares of the people. He was visibly beginning to feel better as well, the very first and second night had still left him mostly sleepless until he saw you beginning to successfully become stronger again and with that, the dark rings under his eyes began to vanish and the grin sneaked even more often onto his lips. For once, your Dad came in again with Judith who proudly carried her self drawn “Get well soon”- picture in her hands that let your hope a little more grow that you might have a chance to properly talk to them without ending up in a complete mess like it had been the last time. He and Judith were the only ones who came in, next to Michonne who had joined them for a few small minutes. It was just once but it was better than you had expected, especially because their reluctance seemed to be based as well on the urge to just not meet Negan. But with that, there also was one person left you just needed to talk to and who you hadn’t even seen since your Dad had caught you with Negan. Carl. All your Dad had told you was that he had waited for you to wake up until he left for a run, probably to leave the whole situation for a while and to get his head clear once for all, but earlier or later he would come back and you would have to face whatever would wait for you.
Standing in the middle of the room you fumbled nervously on a loose threat of your pants, your legs still a tiny bit wobbly as you knew that you couldn’t wait any longer. Carl was back just for a few hours now and you had to talk to him, you had to get this over with and you couldn’t hide from it even though every cell in your body screamed and begged you to. ”Are you sure you wanna do this? Now?”, you heard Negan ask as he walked towards you, a questioning, even concerned, glance in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you a little closer. ”Yeah”, you mumbled with a nod, harshly gulping as your glance met his ,”If I wait some longer who knows if he’s taking off again to the Hilltop or even another run…and I just want to get that behind myself.” Negan nodded slightly, but there was still some doubt in his eyes that mixed with the worry you had seen especially after you had woken up. ”Earlier or later I gotta do it anyway”, you added, tensed but firm as you watched Negan nodding again, a sigh leaving his lips as he had to see that you were right after all. ”Alright”, he eventually mumbled,”How’s your head?” ”Still pounding a little from time to time but its alright”, you said, letting a small smile press into the corners of your lips as you saw Negan’s familiar grin flashing over his face, mixed up with the one he had when he was trying to uplift you or distract you with some laughs. ”Well shit, hope that asshole fucks off then”, he said, leaning a little close in as he let his tongue slide over his lower lip,”After all, I’m the only one who’s allowed to pound you.” ”Oh my”, you chuckled, shoving his chest slightly as the sound of your laugh let a triumphant smirk plaster over Negan’s face. Leaning a bit up you let your lips caress over his, knowing that he was beside these jokes still as tensed as you, if not more, about what you were about to approach. ”Be careful, alright?”, you heard him mumble against his lips, as exactly this tension flashed up again. ”I’ll be.”
Every step felt harder as you made your way down the street while the place that had been your idyllic home for so long now gave you the worst kinds of feelings. You forced your mind to remember the first few moments this morning as you had woken up in Negan’s arms, the first few moments where there were no memories of the recent events in your head and all you felt were Negan’s lips that had placed feathery kisses over your neck and face until they captured you lips and the memories began to wash back into your mind. You kept walking, trying to blend out everything around you until you stood in front of the porch and slowly made your way up the stairs.
The handle of the door felt like burning iron in your hands as you pushed it down and opened the door, your glance immediately shooting inside just to find the kitchen and living room empty. A small bit of relief washed over you and even though you hoped to find Carl in the house, you were still glad about every bit of time you got more to prepare yourself.
You began to make your way through the house, the tension in your body urging you to just keep searching for him instead for calling out his name. But instead of finding any signs of Carl, you heard Judith’s soft giggles coming out of her room, the door standing just a small gap open as you made a view steps towards it and slowly opened the door. “Hey, Sweetie”, you mumbled as soon as her eyes darted at you, a bright smile on her lips as she fumbled on the wooden toy food in her hands, small pans and cups sprawled out around her. “Hello”, she just mumbled back, a small warmth growing in you as you saw her looking at you just the way she had looked at you before all this. “You’ll play with me?”, she quietly asked as she rose up one of the toy cups and smiled at you. “Sure”, you said back, welcoming the distraction that let you procrastinate this awful situation some more as you already walked towards her and sat yourself down next to the toys on the fuzzy carpet.
Your head was still slightly buzzing, but not only because of your injury, also because of what would happen in the near, almost within your grasp, future, especially regarding Carl. Earlier or later he would step back into the house and you would have to handle whatever would be thrown your way, whatever he wanted to know and maybe, if he was after the accident willing to do so, find a way into something better than this tension filled uncomfortableness.
“Eat”, you heard Judith giggle as she ripped you out of your thoughts and pointed with her small fingers at the multiple wooden food she had laid into your hands and lap while you had been somewhere else with your head. “Oh of course”, you laughed, taking a tiny pancake as you pretended to eat it as if it was the most delicious thing in the whole wide world only to hear more of her giggles. More laughs left your lips as you saw her plunging more ‘food’ for you to eat in your lap before the soft squeaking of the door made your glance snap up.
Carl’s eyes stared down at you, a cold shiver running up and down your spine as he caught your glance, Judith’s favorite stuffed elephant in his hands that was judging from its unusual fluffiness freshly washed and just out of the dryer. “We should talk”, he mumbled, as you got on your feet and nodded quietly. He was filled with tension and his glance was stern, but right now you were glad that he hadn’t turned right on his heels and walked away as soon as he had seen you. Quickly, Carl placed the elephant next to Judith while her attention darted from her wooden food directly to her favorite stuffed animal before Carl strolled back to the door as she looked one last time up at you. “Bye bye”, Judith mumbled as she waved her hand towards the both of you, a smile on her lips as you slipped out of the room and saw her beginning to play with her elephant.
The walk down the stairs was quiet and filled with the kind of tension that pressed all air out of your lungs and left you strained until you finally got into the kitchen. Carl was oddly calm when he let himself fall on one of the chairs at the dinner table and even as you sat down as well you still expected him to yell or at least growl at you. ”How are you?”, he asked, calm even a little concerned as his glance wandered over you and got for a short moment stuck on the wound on your temple. ”Alright, I’m as good as the old one again, just some some stuff here and there”, you said with a small smile, trying to shake off the tension just before Carl’s slightly reserved nod made some of it wash right back in. “I want you to answer my questions, all of them”, Carl finally spoke up, a firm tone in his voice while you began to nod. “Okay.”
“Does he treat you well?” “What?”, you asked, your brows perking up in confusion as you heard him ask the question you had least expected him to ask. You had expected a biting “How could you?”, “What did you even think?”, even an “Aren’t you ashamed?”. All that but not this question. “Is he good to you?”, Carl repeated himself, his glance still darting at you. “Yes…yes, he really is”, you brought out, trying to tell from the way Carl was looking at you what was going on in him but instead of giving you any chance to analyze him, he continued with the next question. “Daryl coming back, the lowered amount of food and medicine he’s taking…was that you?”, he asked, shifting slightly on his chair before you gave him a nod, your glance falling onto your hands which nervously sweating palms were pressed onto the fabric of your pants. “Yeah”, you added, looking up at him again, trying to show him that you were honest and oppositely to what Tara and Daryl were thinking, you weren’t trying to harm them in any way. Carl nodded quietly, his calm and sorted behavior showing in these moments how much he must have used the time on the run to cool off, just like it showed even more how grown up your little halfbrother already was. You could still remember him threatening Negan in the infirmary and now, now he was the one talking to you in the most settled manner about something that was letting most of the others fall into a deep rage.
“Would you’ve kept pretending you had nothing going on with him if Dad wouldnt have found out…?”, you heard him ask as you uneasily gulped, knowing that what you were about to say wouldn’t please him much. “Yes…I know it’s not right, of course not…I just didn’t know how to handle it all…I just wanted to have both”, you mumbled, feeling the tension rising before you rose your voice again, “I was scared to lose one of you or even both if you’d find out.” Carl quietly nodded, the tension that had been there before was laying once again over him and something in you hoped that he would be able to understand you at least a tiny bit. “You love him?”, you heard him finally bring out, the tone in his voice sounding as if it disturbed him to ask you that question, especially because he already seemed to know the answer. “Yes…”, you said, your glance meeting Carl’s again but before you could see his reaction to what you had just confirmed, a loud shot sounded through the air that let your body flinch up, let your head turn around and let the blood in your veins freeze as your glance snapped outside. Then, another shot.
Slowly, Negan’s fingers ran through your hair, his fingertips massaging your scalp soothingly while he held you tightly in his arms. Your breath was by now calm again and softly hit the skin of his neck as you nuzzled your face deeper into the nook of his shoulder. You could still feel the tears on your skin that were dry by now and left an ugly tension behind, just like you could feel the slight dampness of Negan’s white shirt beneath your face. Negan’s soft and quiet hums rumbled through his throat and let his neck gently vibrate against you the same way his chest did beneath your hand. The deepness of his voice was calming, just like the slight vibrating as he cradled you against his body to hold you a little closer.
Slowly, his head that still rested against yours turned a bit until his lips could press a small kiss on your temple, his beard stubble tickling you slightly as his hand moved gradually out of your hair, stroke first over your jaw and found its way then to the back of your neck just to let his fingers circle over your skin. He was completely enclosing you, his scent, his arms, his warmth, his legs that were placed around you as you were huddled up in his lap and cuddled yourself as much into his embrace and warmth as you could.
“Feelin’ a bit fucking better, Baby?”, you heard him quietly ask, his hot breath hitting your face as he pulled you a little closer. “Yes…thank you…for being there”, you mumbled quietly, your voice sill slightly strained from the torture of crying you had put it through before you could feel his lips curling slightly up against your skin. “Always gonna be”, he mumbled, as the caressing movements of his fingers still continued,”You’ve always got me, you know that right?” “Yeah…”, you mumbled back, your hand running up his chest to his shoulders until you could wrap your arm around his neck to hug him as tightly back as he was holding you. You could hear his quiet exhaling as the smile grew bigger on his lips as he pulled you even closer and pressed his lips anew on your skin while his hand ran back into your hair. Finally feeling how the last bit of tension and miserableness left your body, you could let go again, just let yourself fall and just feel the lightheartedness you were longing so much for. And as you then heard those three little words leaving his lips and felt his arms wrapping protectingly around you as if they were ready to shield you from any arm no matter of its size, you realized once again that you had found your safe haven in him.
The sun was shining softly through the infirmary’s windows as its sunrise danged over your skin, beginning to wake you gradually up. With each moment you were diving more out of the depths of the sleep and began to become awake, all while feeling how Negan’s chest slowly rose and fell beneath your hand, your face nuzzled against the curve of his shoulder while your legs were entangled with his as his still weak arm was wrapped around you as best as it could. A small smile began to grow on your lips as you opened your eyes, realizing that the past night had been the very first night after you had been back at Alexandria that hadn’t let a nightmare haunt you. For the first time you felt some lightheartedness wash through your body after your eyes fluttered open, finally feeling anything else than the ugly feeling a nightmare left on you. You sighed quietly but contently as you heard how Negan softly hummed in his sleep before a small satisfied growl rumbled through his chest and let it vibrate against your fingers while your still sleepy mind decided to stay just like that for some more moments.
Slowly, you moved just a few minutes later up, leaning slightly down to place soft kisses on Negan’s skin, beginning just above the white bandage before starting to carefully make your way up. His warm skin felt blissfully against your lips, the beard stubble tickling you slightly while you reached his jaw, then the sensible spot behind his ear as you felt him shifting slightly beneath you. A low, content growl rumbled through his chest and up his throat as you could feel him beginning to wake up. “Morning”, you quietly and softly mumbled into his ear, a small smile planting on your lips as you enjoyed the peaceful moment. “Mornin’, Baby”, Negan’s raspy morning voice mumbled, the small smirk on his lips audible through his voice as you felt his still weak arm trying to pull you a little closer. “Think I’m still fucking dreaming”, he mumbled as you ran the hand that had rested on his chest a bit down until you reached the edge of his shirt. “Why don’t you push those damn pants a little down and sweeten our damn morning some more…just to wake us fucking thoroughly up”, he mumbled grinning as you backed a little away, his sleepy eyes darting wolfishly down. “Tempting but I gotta pass”, you mumbled drowsily chuckling back, “Not gonna get your blood pressure up and risk breaking those stitches up again.” You nodded at his throat, a theatrically pout forming on Negan’s face as he huffed slightly before he bit his lower lip and smirked slightly at you. “They’re already long in there, gotta have healed that crap enough for some fun…and you got your hand already at the right spot”, he grumbled, shifting slightly as you could feel his lower stomach moving beneath your hand, your fingers feeling his warm skin as they laid right between the shirt and the grey sweatpants that were riding low on his hips.
Seeing and feeling Negan longing for your touch while showing you more than clear how much he wanted you let your confidence grow. So slowly, you began to softly tug and toy with the short and dark curls that peeked out of the sweatpants, low growls leaving Negan’s mouth as he tried to lean more into your touch. “Fuck…goddamn tease”, he quietly growled with another huff just as you with a small grin on your lips stopped in response to his remark. “No don’t fucking stop…move your hand right in there”, Negan mumbled groaning with a small, throaty chuckle, figuring your little plan directly out while his eyes darted at you. “We’ll see later when I get to change those bandages again, maybe you got luck”, you mumbled with a small grin as you leaned down to peck his lips, humming contently into the kiss. “Fucking hope so”, he mumbled chuckling against your lips, the grin palpable before you leaned slightly back. “Gonna get us some breakfast, sounds good?”, you asked softly smiling, already sitting yourself some more up. “Fucking good”, Negan mumbled before a small cough left his lips and let him flinch up in pain as it rumbled through his throat. “Apropos they’ve healed it enough”, you mumbled sarcastically as you nodded to his bandaged throat and stood up from the bed. “Hmm”, Negan grumbled, even though the small grin was still lingering on his lips as you leaned one last time down to let your lips meet his.
Minutes later there was no sign of anybody in the kitchen, nor in the whole house to be clear, and somehow it gave you some relief. You still hadn’t really talked to anybody about everything that had happened, not only because you were spending as good as all your time with Negan, also because any time you dared to take a step out of this house, pairs of eyes burned into you, already letting you know that they wouldn’t want to hear anything you’d like to say and explain. The only person you had talked to was Siddiq, but only because he was Negan’s Doctor. Michonne was till now the very only person of your old friends who had taken a tiny step towards you by telling you even hours before Negan had woken up that you should talk but by now a bunch of more days had passed and you slowly got the feeling that she might have changed her mind. And all of it hurt, every single bit of it. Their glances, sometimes even glares, their silence and cold behavior towards you that had hit you with all their force even though you had only spent few minutes outside.
You could feel your glance wandering over and over again to the door as you began to make some oatmeal, your body tensing up whenever your eyes wandered to the window and caught someone walking closer towards the infirmary. Your jaw clenched slightly as you cursed yourself in your head while you tried to keep yourself busy with mixing some berries you had found in the freezer into the oatmeal, just to gradually let their juice turn it into a lilac mess.
Finally on your way back to Negan’s room you could feel yourself loosing up again as the tension washed gradually out of your body. After all you had started this day with a great morning mood, feeling better than on any other day since you were back at Alexandria and you weren’t gonna let anything else ruin this for you now.
“There’s my girl again”, you heard Negan’s voice still drowsy voice say as you walked back into the room, his eyes darting at you as a grin played around the corners of his mouth. “Here I am”, you said with a chuckle, directly feeling the effect his glance and even his grin had on you as they let the rest of the tension vanish and made you feel the previous lightheartedness again. “Even got us a little new variety”, you said with a small grin as you placed the two bowls on the nightstand. “Hell yes”, Negan chuckled before he his glance glimpsed towards the lilac oatmeal and an even louder, throaty chuckle rumbled through his chest, “Fuck, now that looks like some kinda unicorn puke.” “Hope it doesn’t taste that way”, you chuckled back, almost letting yourself fall onto the chair next to the bed before your eyes caught Negan as he began his try to sat his body up, “Fuck”, he growled with a strained breath, the muscles of his arms tensed while the thick vein on the side of his neck swelled, showing the immense effort of his that still wasn’t enough as he got himself nothing more than an inch up into the pillows. “Wait, I’ll help you”, you said as you leaned up and wrapped your arms around his torso to push him carefully up while you gladly knew after the while of already helping him how you had to handle this big man properly. “Still can’t even sit my fucking self up”, he growled under his breath as you leaned a bit back and adjusted the pillows behind him, trying to make it a little more comfortable for him before you looked with a small sigh at him. You knew how much he hated it to be this weak, to not even be able to do the simplest tasks himself and to have to ask for anything and everything. And you hated it too, obviously for other reasons but the very last thing you needed was him stressing himself even more, after all this would have the complete contrary effect to his whole healing process. “You’ve lost a ton of blood, that’s normal even after this while”, you calmly said, giving him a soft smile as you saw his jaw clenching tightly ,”And that’s coming from Siddiq, he should know.” You could see Negan forcing up a smile for you, before you nodded over to the bowls. “We’re gonna eat the unicorn puke now or not?”, you asked with a grin before some relief washed over you as you saw a genuine smirk pulling the corners of his lips up. “Sure thing”, he chuckled, the sound of it that bright and honest because eating was finally one of the things he could mostly do alone again without needing anyone’s help.
So as you were beginning to eat the oatmeal your eyes caught Negan’s injured hand softly and still weakly grasping the bowl, his left hand beginning to let the spoon dig into his breakfast. And even though he was shaking and several curses left his lips whenever he was leading the lilac oatmeal towards his mouth, you let him do it his way. He needed that for himself, maybe even to not feel as helpless and bodily weak as he actually was.
“You’re smiling more, that fucking great waking up shit you pulled, something’s different about your fucking mood”, Negan chuckled after a while, scratching the last bit of oatmeal out of his bowl before he perked his brows grinning up ,“Did you have some fucking wet dream ‘bout me?” A soft chuckle left your lips as you placed your empty bowl on the nightstand, shifting slightly as you let your feet rest on the edge of the bed and shook your head. “Nah not quite…first night without a nightmare after…you know what”, you mumbled, seeing him shakily placing the empty bowl next to yours before his glance darted back at you. “Hope they stay the fuck back then”, he said as he let his hand slowly slide over the mattress towards you until his fingers could caress over the sensitive skin of your ankles . “Well then I’m even fucking more curious ‘bout what kinda great mornin’ it’s gonna be when you wake up from a dirty dream”, he mumbled with a wide grin, his teeth sinking slightly into his lower lis as his wolfish glance captured yours. “You’ll see”, you teased with a chuckle, still feeling his fingertips circling over your skin as Negan’s eyes followed their movements.
The wooden floorboards squeaked softly beneath your feet as you made your way back to the kitchen, carrying the two empty bowls in your hand before you rounded the last corner and stemmed the kitchendoor open. A small, almost inaudible gasp left your lips as your glance caught Michonne standing with her back towards you at the kitchen counter, her hands searching through a drawer while she didn’t seem as if she had noticed you entering the room. You gulped, the thought of turning on your heels and leaving the room again shooting for a tiny millisecond though your head before you cursed yourself for only thinking that way and pulled yourself together. You were no fucking coward.
Gradually, you made your way towards the kitchen counter, just before she turned around and caught your glance. “Morning”, you mumbled with a soft smile as you began to lay the bowls into the sink, still seeing her from the corner of your eyes. “Morning”, you heard her say, her voice calm and kind but still as reserved as the last time you had talked to her.
An uncomfortable silence began to set in, the kind of forced up silence that no one liked to be stuck in with anyone. Feeling how our jaw clenched uneasily you began to clean the bowls up, the sound of the flowing water filling the silence only for a bit until it got completely quiet again and your mind tried to figure out how to start a conversation or how to at least escape this awkwardness.
“How have you slept?”, you suddenly heard Michonne ask, the words and the sound of her voice revealing that she was also just trying to find a beginning. “Good…you?”, you finally said, turning your head towards her with a small smile before you grabbed a towel and began to dry the first bowl up. For another few moments, silent fell between you again after she had just given you a small nod before she raised her voice again. “You haven’t been much outside till now”, she said, leaning herself against the kitchen counter while you let out a small sigh and finally looked up at her again. “Well uhm…Siddiq can still use my help and-”, you said, stopping before you forced yourself to continue, “I don’t think anyone wants me there.” Your glance stayed on Michonne, trying to figure out what she was thinking about your answer but as she didn’t respond, you gave yourself a big push to dig a little deeper- “Does the offer with the talk still stand?”, you asked, your hand running for the felt hundredth time over the already dry bowl that was by now rather a crutch you could hold onto and keep your hands busy with. “Well, we’re talking now, so I guess yes”, she finally answered, a bit nervousness washing into your body as you knew that you couldn’t screw this chance up now. If Michonne listened to you, maybe even believed you, you felt like you might have a chance that some of the others would do so as well.
“I talked to Gabriel”, you suddenly heard her say before those words let thousands of thoughts pop up in your head. Gabriel never understood how you could get into this with Negan and while you couldn’t even blame him for feeling that way, you also knew that he had believed the things you told him. You could still remember the doubts he’s had at the beginning, the doubts if you were actually helping him because you were his friend or simply only because you had a guilty conscience. But after a while, especially after he had come back from his escape trip, you had seen that he believed you, hell, he even knew about Negan’s promise to you to try to stop the war. And just like he knew that, he as well knew that Negan had just spared him after his second try to escape out of the car because you were there with him. And he must knew that you had been an influence in Negan’s decision to give Rick even on the battlefield the chance to stop. So if anyone could show them that you hadn’t hookwinked them, it was Gabriel.
You were no hero in this story, by far not, but you weren’t a villain as well.
You were tensed when Michonne stopped for a moment, still not knowing what Gabriel had said to her before the sound of her rising voice let a small shiver run through you. “So I believe you when you say you wanted to stop it”, you suddenly heard her say, your eyes widening slightly as you thought for a moment that you hadn’t heard right. A small smile formed on your lips, a wave of relief washing through you just before you saw her nodding towards the door in the direction of Negan’s room ,”I just don’t understand-” She stopped, her jaw clenching slightly as you let out a tight breath, feeling how you dug your fingertips into the fabric of the towel you were still holding while you knew that this right now, was your chance. Even if it was just a tiny one.
“It just developed…”, you began, those three words already letting you know that this wasn’t gonna be easy to explain. Taking a deeper breath you looked at her and shifted uneasily against the kitchen counter, trying to find a way to go on. “I denied it for a long time I just-…at some point I couldn’t do that anymore..lie to myself”, you continued, trying to read something out of her face or her eyes but they stayed only attentive to listen to you, no emotions displaying in them as if she wanted you to go on until she’d allow herself to judge. “I know he’s done cruel and fucked up shit, I know, I’ve seen it and I won’t justify them, not in anyway”, you said, gulping slightly as you looked for a small moment to the bowl in your hands before glancing up again. “But he’s not just that, he’s not evil and he’s no psychopath…he doesn’t just seek out for blood like Simon did and…hell, he’s not like the Governor”, by the last name, you could see her flinch slightly, her glance showing that it obviously brought some memories back up but that’s what you needed. You needed them to fully understand that he wasn’t like any of them. “He didn’t do it the right way but when he said he wanted to save people, he didn’t lie”, you said, and just as you could already see her clenching her jaw you continued. “He’s gone through some shit, just like we did”, you said, a tight breath leaving your lips as you looked at her,”And that whole shit let him think this was the only and right way to keep people alive even though it wasn’t” “Does he know that you think that way?”, she asked before you could add anything else, her eyes wandering over your face as if she wanted to see if what you were about to answer was the truth. “Yes”, you said, keeping your voice firm to make sure that she understood just before you could see her nodding and if you weren’t taking anything wrong, she seemed to believe you.
You bit your lips slightly, knowing that you couldn’t end this conversation that way, you still needed them to show her or at least tell her that Negan was able to redeem himself.
“Either way…I just-…this whole thing is not the end of the line, people can change their sights on things again, so can he”, you said and just as you tried to grasp some hope you saw her looking straight into your eyes, her voice firm and determined as she raised it again. “That’s why he gets to see us changing this place…he’s gonna see what he did wrong. For the rest of his life, from his cell”, her words let cold shivers run down your spine, the image of Negan behind bars you had tried to suppress began to force its way up into your mind. Another tight breath left your lips, just before you heard her voice again. “And that’s a done deal”, she added, as if she wanted to make sure you understood. “I know”, you said as you glanced up at her, the words almost getting caught in your tightening throat before they left your lips. There still was a tiny hope in you that someday, at least the part “for the rest of his life” would change. You knew they would keep him for a long time in this cell, but maybe, maybe there was a chance that once he had shown to them that he was redeemable, they would change this life long sentence into a shorter one. You didn’t even know if you were just grasping hopeless straws just to keep yourself going, in a woozy dreams a few nights ago you had even seen yourself letting him go and even though you knew you couldn’t do that, you knew just as well that this crazed dream showed how heavy his sentence weighed on your shoulders as well.
“They’re taking off to the Sanctuary in about an hour…so if you wanna get anything personal over here, taking the trip wouldn’t be too bad”, you heard Michonne ripping you out of your thoughts. The thought of going back to the Sanctuary without Negan was sending an uneasy shiver through you, but Michonne had a point. “Yeah, I’ll give it some thought…Negan needs some new sweatpants and shirts anyway”, you said, giving her a small nod as you already began pondering. “Michonne, we need you on the crop field, Rick wanted to discuss something”, you suddenly heard a male voice say as the door sprung open, revealing a man you had seen the very last time on the battlefield. “Okay”, you heard Michonne say, before she looked with a small smile back at you, “Guess I’ll see you some time later then.”
“Anything happened? You’re usually faster back”, you heard Negan ask as you carefully began to unwrap the bandage around his neck, feeling his glance darting at you as he perked his brows a little up. “Talked to Michonne”, you said as you began to slip the rest of the white fabric off of him, revealing the stitched wound that still looked dangerously fresh even though it already had been a good while. “And?”, Negan asked, as you walked over to the counter, threw the used bandage into the trash and crammed up the salve Siddiq always used along with a new bandage out of one of the counter’s drawers. “It was okay…for the circumstances”, you said as you walked back to him and placed the bandage on the nightstand before giving him a soft smile,”At least she believes that I wanted to find a way out.” “Alright”, Negan said with a small smile as you began to clean the wound and eventually swirled the cap off the white tube before your thoughts wandered back to the trip to the Sanctuary, which you weren’t even sure about anymore just by looking at Negan’s wound. “Something else wrong? You’re tensed”, Negan asked, his brows perking up again as you let out a tight breath and looked at him, knowing that you couldn’t keep that information from him. “They’re taking off to the Sanctuary again”, you said as you leaned down to softy and carefully smear the salve onto his injured skin while you felt him tensing up and you very well knew that this tension wasn’t just caused by the wound. Losing the Sanctuary and his position as leader was still weighing hard on his shoulders and even though you were trying your best to soothe this pain, you knew that this was about to last for a long time, especially because he knew what else was waiting for him as soon as this injury would have healed. A cell instead of the pretty apartment. A simple and most likely awfully uncomfortable bed instead of the large one at the Sanctuary that was adorned with countless pillows and soft, dark sheets. People looking down at him instead of him being the one who was in charge of them. His beloved bat completely out of his reach instead of resting on his shoulder. Walking up and down the same few meters in the cell instead of strutting through the hallways of the Sanctuary. And there was so much more.
“And?”, you eventually heard him ask, as you leaned back and looked at him. An odd mix of uncomfortableness and tension but also curiosity was displaying in his eyes as they wandered over your face, searching for an answer. “I’ve thought for a moment that I could get some of our stuff”, you said, clenching your jaw slightly before you let out a tight breath,“The sweatpants and shirts for you run out so I guessed it’d be easier to get some of your own things…and I still got some of mine there too…Carl’s letter, clothes” “And what speaks against it?”, he eventually asked, surprising you a little bit before his brows perked up as you didn’t reluctantly shifted over the floor and grabbed the fresh bandage. “Hmm? I can see all those fucking thoughts buzzing through your sweet, pretty head. So what is it?”, he asked again, now not letting go of your glance once he had caught it. You gulped, feeling how Negan raised his weak arm and laid his hand on your hip to let you sit down right next to him on the edge of the bed. “Going alone back there after everything that happened… “, you eventually said, his glance still darting at you as you looked for a short moment to his hand that was now resting on your thigh before you looked up at him again,”And well, leaving you here with them all.” “I think I’ll get through it”, he said, his lips curling into the familiar grin ,”And over there, those fuckers won’t do anything to you, just do your thing.” The grin stayed on his lips and mixed with an uplifting smile as you could feel his thumb stroking slowly over your thigh. “So get that stuff you want.” “Negan-” “I’ll be fine, I can’t even move from the fuckin’ spot”, he said with a soft chuckle, before his eyes captured yours as he saw that you there were still some doubts buzzing around in your head ,“Baby, I ain’t gonna lie, I understand you, I wouldn’t fucking move from your damn side too but you need some time outside this shit room.” “Don’t need you to feel caged up…and well, maybe you can sneak us something nice in here”, he said as he softly chuckled and winked jokingly at you while you felt how you persuaded yourself more and more of the idea. Maybe it really was the right thing to do, after all you would have to go there earlier or later to pick those things up and if Negan was feeling fine, you might as well be able to do it now. “Alright?”, he asked before you gave him a small nod. “Alright” “So when are they taking off?”, he asked as you could still feel his soft movements over the fabric of your pants. “Shouldn’t be too long anymore”, you said as your glance wandered over to the small digital clock on the countertop. “Well then get your sweet ass over there before it’s too fucking late”, you heard Negan chuckle before your glance captured his again. “Okay, but I’ll finish your neck first”, you said, nodding to his wound that still boasted unbandaged on his throat. “Alright.”
“Gonna tell the Doc that you already did that one damn bandage”, Negan said, shortly after you had finished his bandage just a few minutes later. Nodding, you grabbed the salve from earlier and moved over to the counter just before you heard Negan’s voice. “Hey, didn’t say you could just fucking leave me without a damn kiss”, he complained with a chuckle as you turned snorting back around and saw him looking widely grinning at you. “Or a quick fuck”, he added, before you let out a chuckle and moved over to him. Leaning down you let your lips meet his before you felt how Negan hungrily claimed them while a content growl rumbled up his throat and vibrated against your lips. “Didn’t plan to leave you without that”, you mumbled with a small grin against his lips as you saw the smirk on his lips widening. “The kiss or the quickie?…Or fuckin’ both?”, he teasingly asked, biting his lip as you shoved his chest playfully and grinned against his lips. “The kiss.”
Every step closer to the front door felt like heavy metal boulders were tied to your feet and you knew that those boulders would just become heavier as soon as you would leave the house and make your way towards the trucks. Your mind was already trying to figure out how to act around them until you grabbed the front door’s handle and threw all those thoughts over board before you’d rack your brain completely.
People were buzzing over Alexandria’s streets, some familiar some complete strangers that must have moved here from the Kingdom to help rebuilding this place. You hadn’t seen Alexandria this vivid in a long time nor had you ever seen this many people here at once. For the first time since you were back you saw everything at day not at night like you had seen it when you had walked right next to the men that were carrying an unconscious and blood overflowed Negan. There were indeed a few houses that were completely destroyed by the flames from that one night while others were just partly damaged and were adorned with the coal black ashes on their walls.
Your hand tightened around the belts of the big, black sports bag you had found back in the house that would soon be home to the clothes and other personal things you would take from the Sanctuary right back to Alexandria. And just as you could feel your fingers beginning to nervously play with the loose threads on the belts you found yourself walking closer and closer to the truck. Aaron, Tara and Rosita were the only people of the ones that were rushing around the trucks that looked familiar to you, while the others must have been helpers from other communities as well. Heavily gulping you made your way towards them, already tensing up some more until you were that close that you could see them noticing you.
A tensed “Hi” from your side and a quick and cold nod of each of them but Aaron who actually greeted you back, later you found yourself in one of the trucks, staring at the wooden floor while tried to keep your mind occupied by fumbling on the bags belts. There were only three unfamiliar people next to the three and you in the truck, a man at the driving wheel and a blonde woman and a brunette man who sat next to your old friends and almost symbolically build a wall between you and them, along with the boxes of glass that must have been for the destroyed windows of the Sanctuary.
Moving on from the bag’s belts your fingers began to play with the tiny diamonds of Negan’s bracelet for you, your fingertips rolling them to and fro between them while you tried to form a list of things in your mind you could take from the Sanctuary. A small grin forced itself up on your lips as you thought about the last moments before you had left Negan’s patient room, still hearing him telling you with a big grin on his lips to not forget his red scarf. And exactly that grin told you along with the wolfish glance in his eyes that wrapping the red fabric around his neck wouldn’t be his intended use for it. You bit down your lip, trying to keep a little of the amusement of the grin in your body as you caught yourself realizing that he hadn’t even asked for more or specific things you could bring back and your suspected reason for it seemed to be the same why you also had a hard time going back.
As soon as this was done, as soon as you would have the bag packed and leave the apartment, it was over. It would have something final and ultimate, just like it would have it for Negan as soon as you would give him those things from the place he still called home whenever he spoke about it. As unrealistic and impossible as it was, here and there you could still catch the hope in his eyes that he could go back, even though either of you knew that this wasn’t going to happen. You clenched your jaw slightly as your thoughts just buzzed around the apartment, the uneasiness growing even more as you knew that this place had been a home to you as well. More of a home than Alexandria felt like now. It wasn’t the burned houses or the unfamiliar people, it was the feeling of not being welcome, of maybe not even being right there. The only person that made it feel like home right now was Negan in his patient room and you knew that the apartment would feel odd and uncomfortable as well without him. This all created a feeling in your whole body you couldn’t even properly describe, all you knew was that you wanted to get rid of it .
“We’re in about a half hour there”, you heard the man at the driving wheel say after something that felt even more than the couple of hours that it normally took to come across the distance between the two communities. “What’s that bag for?”, you suddenly heard Tara ask as her voice let your glance snap up, before it caught her face that nodded towards the bag that still stood between your legs on the floor. “Gotta get some stuff back to Alexandria”, you said with a small tight breath before you clenched your jaw slightly ,”…and some new clothes for Negan.” You knew that his name out of your mouth would provoke something in them, but still you had to say what you were about to do. You couldn’t risk to have them ending up looking into the bag and thinking you were bringing stuff for Negan you weren’t allowed to bring back or even have them taking it away. It took milliseconds for Tara’s glance to turn even colder, her brows puckering as the muscles in her cheeks and her lips twitched angrily. “Tara”, you heard Aaron say, his voice calm as he reached out to her. “Aren’t you ever ashamed?”, she hissed, her voice as sharp as a razor blade as her glare gored through you and caused the by now almost familiar shiver of uneasiness and tension. You gulped, her glance still darting at you before a scoff left her lips as you first didn’t answer to her snarky question. “Would you believe me if I’d answer?”, you asked, trying to keep your voice as firm as you could while you forced yourself to look at her. Clenching her jaw Tara stared at you, her eyes still as cold as ice and just like you were already expecting, she didn’t answer, she just looked away from you.
The last half hour in the truck was unsurprisingly filled with an icy atmosphere. Your eyes were focused on the see-through part of the tarp that let you witness how the surrounding area was becoming more and more familiar with each moment you kept driving. Your hands were back a fumbling on the bag’s belts, expressing the tension that began to build up until it got ultimately topped as your eyes saw the Sanctuary’s fences and its tall building becoming closer and you eventually felt the truck stopping and the engine hushing. “Hey. You got the glass?”, you heard the voice of D.J. say, the Savior that had also been at the gates the last time you had entered these walls before the last battle took place. “Yeah, got two other trucks coming a few minutes later, just so you know”, the man at the wheel said before the gates opened and the truck drove onto the Sanctuary’s compound. Your stomach wrenched and your ribcage seemed to press all air out of your lungs when your eyes caught more and more of the Sanctuary and everything that was emotionally tied to it.
The voices of your old friends and the new people mixed as they began to talk about where to start first, where to get the glass and where it might be most needed. Then, the truck stopped again just as your glance caught one of the Sanctuary’s main entrances and by sitting right at the trucks end and the gap that in the tarp that was used as exist, you knew that you had to be the first one to walk out. Feeling how a tight breath left your lips you grabbed the bag’s belts and stood up, your legs not only wobbly through sitting for so long but also by the thought of jumping out of the truck.
And then you did. Hearing the earthy ground scrunching beneath your feet, you grabbed the bag tighter and made yourself walk a few steps to let the others get out as well. People were all over the place, working on the damaged windows or on new made vegetable fields along the walls. Some eyes wandered over at you, a little confusion or even surprise in them as if they were wondering what you were about to do here. Somewhere in between the new crops you could see Laura getting up on her feet before she made her way over to the trucks, her glance brushing over you before she walked towards Aaron and Tara. Looking around, you knew that they hadn’t found someone to lead this place yet and you were sure that it would stay for a while this way if not maybe Negan’s former high ranking saviors would take the lead together over.
A little helpless you stood there next to the wall, unsure what to exactly do next. Just going to get yours and Negan’s stuff without even asking if you could help them would provoke them even more even though you doubted as well that they wanted you there with them. So you awkwardly waited until Laura had stopped talking to them and finally saw Aaron walking towards you, already carrying a box with new glass in his arms. If anyone of them was going to give you a proper answer, then him. ”Do you-”, you began just to get stopped as you waited until he looked at you ,”Do you need my help here?” ”Think it’s better if you get your stuff first. We’ll get along”, he tensely said, his voice sounding kinder then the words did before he gave you a quick nod and kept walking. Gulping you looked for a short moment after him before you knew that this was the time for you to get inside and get it all done.
Minutes later you found yourself walking through familiar hallways. Even though you had rarely walked through them alone, you caught yourself finding your way easily through the labyrinth of the first floors until you could get to the stair case that directly led up to the floor of your and Negan’s old apartment.
Taking a deep breath you slipped into the staircase that was just as faintly enlightened as always, even though the way up felt harder than ever before as soon as you made the first step up. Tightening your grip on the bag you climbed up the stairs, passing floor by floor while you tried to keep the memories that wanted to slip into your head from succeeding. The room alone would already give you a hard time and for your mind’s and heart’s sake you didn’t need to start this whole nostalgia thing even earlier.
And then, the last heavy metal door laid right in front of you, behind it the more than familiar hallway you had walked through uncountable times with Negan. Clenching your jaw you scolded yourself, trying to pull yourself together before you eventually grabbed the door’s handle and stemmed it open.
Step by step you got closer to your old room, your heart beginning to pound harder before you finally stood right in front of it. The heavy wooden door was still as impressive as when you had first seen it and even though your mind had imagined over and over again how it would be to be in the apartment again, it had only a few very small times switched to the moment you had to open this door and step in. And it was even harder than you had thought.
”Fuck”, you cursed, half about yourself and half about what was about to wait for you before you grabbed the door’s handle and quickly pushed it open, as if you wanted to use the method of pulling a patch quickly off to reduce the pain on the door.
And this might have worked for the door but as soon as you looked into the familiar and homey apartment, you knew that you were already damned to stay in here for a little longer.
Everything was like you had left it. Every little thing. The only thing that had changed was a bit dust that had already found its way onto the furniture but the rest was exactly the same.
You knew you should get this over with fast, you exactly knew that this was most certainly the more painless way to deal with it all but you already knew you couldn’t. You couldn’t just check it off like it was nothing. If anything was displaying the journey of the last months, whether it was the general journey of it all or the journey of hating Negan with all your guts to turning to feel the very way you felt now for him, then it was this damn room. This room was packed with memories, obviously also some painful ones but the positive were outweighing them by far, especially the ones you had made over the last time.
Shifting uncomfortably over the dark wooden floorboards, you realized more and more through what kind of torture you were about to put yourself. Trying to keep your mind occupied you forced yourself to think of the imaginary list you had made in the truck and the very first bulletpoint on it were clothes.
Slowly, you began to open the closet’s doors until you got the full insight into it and could gradually begin to grab the clothes you needed. Unsurprisingly most of them were Negan’s famous white shirts, a few lonesome grey ones hiding in between them, while you felt a small grin forming on your lips as you shook your head about the unbelievable amount he’s had of them. You had worn them too here and there, and just like everything else, the way you had worn them had changed over all this time too. At first with annoyance when he had made you move over to the apartment after an attack and didn’t have anything else than lingerie or one of his white shirt over here to let you sleep in, to wearing it after nightmares had left your own sleeping clothes soaked in cold sweat and the shirt would take their place until Negan could get you new ones the next morning, to feeling comfort when you quickly pulled them over after a shower and felt his scent enclosing you.
Trying to keep the small grin and the bit of amusement it brought you in your body, you moved on to his boxers, grabbing those you’d liked to see best on him before your eyes caught some red fabric peeking out behind his underwear. With a soft chuckle you eventually pulled the familiar red scarf out of the closet’s back, Negan’s wolfish remark echoing through your head before you folded it and laid it securely into the bag.
A bunch of shirts and your own clothes later you found yourself back on the leather couch to let your glance wander beneath the coffeetable in order to find out if it had something you needed as well. But instead of something useable you found yourself sinking deeper into the soft and by the sun rays that streamed through the big windows slightly heated leather, that still was as comforting and comfortable as before.
“Hey Sweetheart”, you heard Negan say with a big grin on his lips as he shut the door behind himself, his brows perking with a chuckle up as soon as he caught the books and magazines spread out on the coffeetable. All of them served as a timekiller for the already long while you had to stay in the apartment, just to not be seen by any of his people to make it look like you had gotten a punishment since Negan couldn’t bring himself to punish or hurt you just in any way, even if you had killed some of his man the day the war started.
”Now you’ve moved to the couch?”, Negan asked with a chuckle as he slid his leatherjacket off his arms and nodded over to you. “Yeah”, you chuckled, before you held the magazine in your hand up. “Wanna know how to make your very own sun hat?”, you joked with a small laugh as you caught Negan walking still widely grinning over to you, right before he picked one of the magazines on the coffeetable up and flicked through it. “Spring fashion…what the fuck”, he chuckled with a small groan before his eyes widened and he turned the magazine in his hands to reveal an odd neon pink and orange gown ,”Holy hell who the fuck would wear that crap.” Laughing you looked up at him, remembering having the exact same reaction when you had thumbed through the magazine and found this awful dress boasting on one of its glossy sites. “Just fucking imagine seeing some dead fucker wearing that shit. I’d laugh my ass off instead of killing that asshole. That shit would make me punch my own fucking ticket”, Negan laughed as he let himself fall next to you, tossing the magazine back on the pile of mags that had a wild mix of all possible topics, from fashion to outdoor adventures that were actually a lot more entertaining than the awful gowns in most of the glossy fashion magazines.
“Ah wait, then you haven’t seen this one here yet”, you chuckled as you leaned forward and grabbed one of the magazines from your “read” pile before you flipped through it and found the page you were looking for. “Je-sus”, Negan scoffed before he throatily chuckled as he looked at the metallic outfit that looked like someone was trying to animate aliens to beep them up into their ufo. Chuckling, you tossed the magazine on the pile again and leaned yourself back, only to feel Negan’s arm as addition to the comfortable leather. Seeing him from the corner of your eyes smirk slightly he curled the arm around you and even though you had a hard time admitting it, it felt good, even natural if you had to be completely honest. So you allowed him to pull you a bit closer just before you heard his throaty chuckle again. “That one would for fucking sure look good on you”, he chuckled, biting his lip and rising his brows suggestively as he showed you the shortest and most revealing dress he seemed to be able to find. “Shit, Negan”, you chuckled groaning as you nudged your elbow playfully into his side before you heard him let out another throaty chuckle. “What’s with that book?”, he asked as he nodded over to one of the three books on the table that had as exception a small bookmark laying in between the sheets at its beginning. “It’s alright but it hasn’t really caught me yet, so I might try myself through some to keep me busy”, you said with a small and soft chuckle, just before you looked at him and saw the grin playing around the corners of his lips. “I’d know one you’d fucking like and which would keep you busy for sure. Probably wouldn’t be able to put it down”, Negan said, as he pulled you a little closer, his eyes roaming over your face and letting something rise in you you were already trying to deny. “Alright, so what is it about?”, you asked, trying to keep yourself from letting any other feeling create in you and also to trying to actually find out what that book was. You could need some proper time killer and making fun of the horrible stuff in those fashion magazines wouldn’t last for too long anymore. “Some great guy, charismatic as shit”, Negan chuckled, before he continued ,”Real good at baseball, got some beachball sized balls…in every kinda possible way and-” With that he looked at you, the smirk widening as the corners of his lips slightly twitched and made you nudge him a little harder into his side. “You’re screwing with me”, you chuckled just as you heard his booming laugh sounding through the room as he looked at you. “Nah but I’d like to do that”, he added with a grin as you shook your head with a chuckle about him and felt him letting you sink a little more next to him. “Got something else you think would keep you busy? Now in all fucking seriousness”, he asked, his free hand running over his salt and pepper stubble. “Mhmm?”, he asked as you did’t directly answer ,”Saw you doodling some stuff on some papers…you could try drawing some kinda nude study of me.” “So much about seriousness, huh?”, you teased as you looked into his grinning face. “Oh that was serious”, he chuckled teasingly before he gave your waist a small squeeze. “I’ll think something up for ya”, he eventually said before as looked back up into his eyes,”Trust me?” Just to tease him you perked your brows up, just as a small revenge for his remarks from earlier. ”Come on”, he chuckled just before you laughed quietly and gave him a nod. “Yeah, I do.”
It ended up being even more magazines and books, an empty notebook to doodle stuff in or write the things down that needed to get out of your head and even some intern stuff of the Sanctuary that needed to be done after you had told him that when you couldn’t do anything outside the room you might as well make yourself useful on some other way. The idea of the books was in the end what got you now back on your feet, even though both your mind and your body longed to lay longer on the soft, black leather. Slowly, you made your way towards the tall shelves, crouching down to get to the books that were still beaded in a line on the dark wood. There was one book Negan had found and excitedly told you about, one he told you he’d always wanted to give a try even before the world had gone to shit but had never got himself to actually do it. You could remember some pinpoints of the story from the short summary on the book’s back. A successful athlete who was father of a sick child for which he suddenly couldn’t provide the treatment for after his career abruptly ended and who began to head for the gutter and had to eventually slip into criminal circles to get the money to save his kid. You could remember beginning it and actually liking it, but the events of the war had made you stop reading it and had never let you continue as well. So now you knew that you were about to face some harder times together as soon as he would have switch the infirmary to the cell and maybe he could fill some time with reading something he always wanted to try anyway. Either way, maybe it could cheer him at least a bit up.
Your fingers slid along the book’s backs, trying to find the black book with the sliver fonts on its side before your eyes caught the silky looking cover. Quickly you pulled it out and laid it into the bag before your eyes caught the cover of the DVD you had watched with Negan in that one night in which he had just decided to tune out along with you. During the time of your acted punishment it would have brought too much attention to carry a TV inside the apartment but in that part of the night everything had just fallen perfectly in line. A small smile pressed into the corners of your lips as you remembered the night after you had made up with him and had bonded stronger than ever before and in which you had felt as lighthearted and happy as you could. Diving deeper into your memories you suddenly remembered the bars of chocolate you had began to eat in that night of which one had stayed surprisingly untouched and probably still laid in Negan’s nightstand.
Forcing yourself up on your feet, you grabbed the bag and walked back to the bed, sat yourself onto its soft mattress and reached out to Negan’s nightstand before slowly opening it just as your eyes caught the few things that laid in the drawer. The chocolate bar, the oil and some cloth he always used to clean Lucille up, some white bandages to wrap around his wrist and the massage oil he had used for your aching back. As planned you took the chocolate, but added the massage oil and the oil for Lucille as well to the things that found their home in the bag. You weren’t even sure if you would be able to use these things once you are back in Alexandria, but your nostalgia and hope that you could make the best out of the situation urged you to let them slide into the bag and cover them a bit with Negan’s shirts, just in case. Just as you closed the nightstand’s drawer again the list of things you definitely had to take with you popped up in your head again and with that something that didn’t lay in Negan’s drawer, but in yours. Carl’s letter.
Slightly gulping you climbed over the bed, reaching out for the drawer before you opened it and saw the white paper sheet that had your name weakly and a little scrawly written on it. You softly took it into your hand and pushed the drawer shut again before you found yourself sitting in the middle of the bed while your eyes got a glimpse of the letter’s the last sentence. ”After all this, I hope you’ll get the life you wish for, I really hope you’ll be happy. You deserve it.” You heavily gulped, trying to keep the lump in your throat from developing before you scolded yourself and let out a deep sigh. You were going to be happy and you were going to be happy with Negan, no matter if there was a goddamn cell involved or not. You were gonna make the best of it, regardless of how hard it might turn out to be. And some day, some day they would listen to you, maybe even your half brother Daryl to which last encounter on the battlefield you didn’t even want to think back. Either way, you would try to make it all better, even if it was gonna take a lot work and time and even if you had to force yourself countless times to stay positive. With that thought you found yourself sinking down onto the mattress, your skin feeling the soft fabric of the sheets while your fingertips brushed against the comfy pillows as the familiar scent enclosed you for a few moments. And neither your mind nor your body fought against the urge to just be a tiny bit at peace for a moment and dived back to the morning after the movie night.
Warm breath ghosted over your face as you slowly began to slip out of the deep sleep’s grasp, slowly beginning to realize that the warmth that was surrounding you was his, just like the soft touches. “Morning, Sweetheart”, you heard him say as you slowly opened your eyes and saw him looking with sleepy eyes at you, his lips curled into the mix of a grin and a smile as he leaned down to let them caress over yours. Waking up this way, with him kissing you awake was still something new to you even though a lot about his closeness and touch felt deeply familiar. “Morning”, you mumbled with a smile against his lips, feeling him pecking your lips again before you could feel him leaning down to press a kiss on your neck, just to teasingly scratch his beard stubble over your sensitive skin, his grin already revealing that he exactly knew what he was provoking. “Shit Negan, that tickles”, you drowsily chuckled as you squirmed beneath him just as you heard his laugh. “Like that?”, he teasingly asked as he scratched his bread stubble once again over the side of your neck, letting you break out in small giggles once again. “Yeah”, you laughed, trying to wiggle yourself free just before you felt his arms tightening a little more around you. “Oh you asshole”, you chuckled as he scratched his stubbly cheek once again over your skin, letting you squirm and laugh beneath him. “Think I can live with being that kinda asshole”, he chuckled against your skin before he looked up at you with his messy bedhead and the sleepy but with playful amusement filled eyes, a bit of the relief that you finally had settled everything still displaying in them along with the lightheartedness of the morning that belonged just to you and not the war or anything else. “Yeah I can feel that”, you said with a chuckle, already catching yourself how you began to lose yourself in his eyes once again.
You kept laying there for a few more moments, just like that before you knew that you had to go on, you couldn’t keep on dwelling in the past even if it was tempting. With a deep sigh you forced yourself up into a sitting position again, just before you went down your list of things you needed. You only headed over to the bathroom after that, checking if there was anything you had left before you found yourself standing in the room and looking around, your mind trying to find something that you could get so you could stay a little longer before you had to realize that you had checked the whole list off.
And then you found yourself standing with the bag in your hands at the heavy, wooden door, your glance wandering over it before you heavily gulped.
So that was it.
Hell, at the beginning you would have betted anything on never missing this whole place, you would have been glad to be anywhere else. And now you stood there, with a thick lump in your throat, thousands of nostalgic memories rushing through your head while you most definitely knew that your opinion from back then had developed into the opposite. And in some odd way, this room was the place where you had seen the real Negan with all his sides and especially the ones he wasn’t showing anybody else than you. If you would even try to start to counting all the events up that had happened in here you would stand some more days right there on the spot. But after all, not everything about this was bad, you were alive, Negan was alive and that was after everything not self-evidently. This room wasn’t the same without him and that was the point, you had him and that mattered more than any room, any place, any person that talked shit about you or him.
And with that thought you could finally grab the door handle and stem the heavy door once more open before leaving the room behind yourself.
The sun was still shining brightly when you found yourself back on the courtyard, people still buzzing around as you shoved the bag into the Truck, right beneath the bench where you had sat earlier.
A little uneasily you looked around, trying to figure out what to do before you saw Aaron walking around the corner and right back into your direction. “We need some people who carry the glass from Block A to C. Could you help?”, he asked as he arrived, small strained breaths leaving his lips and some sweat glistening on his skin as evidence for the work he had already done. With a small smile you gave him a nod, glad that he at least wasn’t as cold as Tara before you made your way over to Block A.
The boxes with glass were spread all over the cemented ground, people picking them up one by one as you made your way closer. Just as you leaned down to grab one box your eyes caught one of the persons you had completely suppressed. Amber. In unusual casual clothes, with a flannel and some jeans instead of the black dress she had worn till the end. Turning your face to the box instead of to her you remembered your last cold and silent encounter after Negan had left them for you and right now, you really didn’t need to meet her in any kind of way again. With a small strained breath you heft the boy up, catching from the corners of your eyes how she had caught you in the room as well before you headed over to the entrance. The people that streamed in and out making it not easier for you as the box in your arms got heavier with each step. Concentrating on the box with glass you maneuvered your path through the people and some more boxes before you heard a familiar cold voice again. “What are you doing there?”, you heard Tara’s voice hiss, just as cold and snarky as before while you looked up at her and caught Amber from the corner of your eyes walking right in these moments past you, her glance brushing over Tara and you before you spoke up. “Thought I could help. Aaron asked me”, you said as calm as you could, just to see Tara nodding slowly before she clenched her jaw and made her way back to Block A.
Huffing you made your way over to C, your mood falling just by the thought that Amber out of all people had seen Tara scolding at you and could with that most certainly put two and two together and see that you had problems with your old group. Something that must be like a good fodder for her and something she might have just waited for after everything she had already done to make it harder for you. Clenching your jaw slightly you moved into C, and found a place where to put the glass. With a tight breath you stemmed it up on a small counter, just before you heard the crinkling of some glass beside you as it got put down as well. “Looks like anybody gets what they deserve, huh?”, you heard her voice say, with the same disgusting relish you had expected it to be. Looking up she caught your glance as you stayed cold and mostly calm, surpassing your urge to scoff and even spat something at her as you by all means didn’t want to give her the satisfaction she was yearning for with that remark that couldn’t only be be darted at you, but most certainly also at Negan’s life sentence as well. Your eyes caught the bruises and small wounds she had from working again, something that wasn’t anything she had done for a very long time and which were now along with the normal and even partly dirt stained clothing replacing the black dress and the jewelry. You found her shifting beneath your glance on the arguments against her that were laying right on her body before you looked up again, trying to keep yourself levelheaded. “Yeah, probably”, you just said back, the tone of your voice slightly snide, your glance still cold as her brows began to pucker angrily before you turned around and made your way outside.
It didn’t took too long anymore until you found yourself back in the truck, the last step of leaving the Sanctuary as your home behind was done when you found it becoming smaller and smaller through the window in the truck’s side. It still felt odd and even oppressive but you had something to look forward to. In a few hours you could walk back into the infirmary and find Negan peacefully asleep, could sink down on his warm chest, hook your leg around him to keep yourself on the narrow bed while his rising and falling chest could dandle you into a peaceful sleep. And that was pretty much all you wanted right now.
“So you rescheduled to go to the Hilltop first now and get the supplies from the Sanctuary there?”, Aaron asked as he shifted slightly on the bench and looked to the truck’s front. By the sound of this sentence you flinched slightly up, your body tensing even more as you heard the “Yes” leaving the lips of the man at the steering wheel. You could hear your pulse pounding in your ear just by the thought of the Hilltop and especially even more by the thought of that one person next to Maggie you would be forced to meet again.
A little belated imagine for Mother’s Day, anyway hope you enjoy it!
The sun was already shining softly through the windows as the lack of your husband’s arms around you began to wake you up, combined with the soft kicking of your unborn daughter that let you eventually completely escape the sleep’s grasp. Quietly yawning you opened your eyes, your sleepy and still a little muddled glance searching for Negan before you heard his voice on the floor and began to slowly remember what kind of day was today. “There we go”, you heard Negan quietly and still drowsily say before you heard your son’s yawn being followed by his dad’s familiar throaty chuckle ,”You look like a fucking rockstar with that damn bedhead.” “Alright, now we really gotta get downstairs”, you heard his voice again, trying to keep quiet before you heard quick but small footsteps rushing down the stairs,“Hey Buddy, be fucking careful-” “Now if I had your energy in the fucking mornings…”, Negan’s deep voice followed the steps with a chuckling huff before his heavy steps made their way down the stairs. “Daddy?”, you heard your son’s voice ask, now sounding quieter than before as they headed further away. “Yeah, Bud?”, Negan voice asked, a small yawn interrupting him before you heard a door shut.
You could hear them rummaging in the kitchen as a smile formed on your face while you heard their laughs and voices mixing, before they got more silent again as Negan must have remembered that his plan still implied to not wake you up and keep you in the land of slumber. Quietly yawning you sunk a little deeper into the pillows, trying to keep yourself comfortable as you pulled the sheets a little more over your body. For a bit, your eyes closed again, letting you dwell somewhere between being awake and dozing softly away. The air filled with the delicious scent of baking pancakes and brewing coffee before you heard the door opening again, just like Negan’s deep voice.
“Holy hell, now how did you get that batter off? That shit was fucking everywhere”, you heard him ask with a soft chuckle. “Balu licked it up”, your son’s voice said just as his words let you directly picture how your dog took gladly care of the mess of batter and half baked pancakes your son must have created. “Oh my…”, Negan chuckled, the throatiness and deepness of his laugh rumbling through his chest as you could hear him trying to stifle it to not let it form into the booming and loud laugh you knew too well as well. “Okay, then we’ll get the rest off now, ya coming with me, Bud?”, you heard him ask just before the mix of his heavy and your son’s small footsteps mixed as the wooden floorboards squeaked quietly beneath them.
Feeling how a bigger smile grew on your lips you cuddled yourself a little more into the sheets, your eyes laying on the leant door before you felt the soft kicking of your baby daughter again. Smiling you let your hand slide down to your stomach while you were more than glad that she was turning her kicks into a morning routine instead of a nightly workout. Slowly you let your fingers begin to draw small circles over the soft fabric of your loose nightdress just as she kicked again. If Negan was next to you in bed now, he’d be looking widely smiling at your baby bump, letting his large hand rest on your skin to feel the next kick just to excitedly grin and softly chuckle as soon as he could feel it. He was still acting with the very same excitement about every kick he could feel as he have had in your first pregnancy, with the only exception that he was now also motivating your son to be just as excited about the kicks of his little sister.
The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs dragged you out of your thoughts just before you heard them coming a little closer to the bedroom. “Alright Buddy, we gotta be quiet. We want it to be a fuckin’ surprise for Mommy, right?”, you heard Negan quietly say, just as you had to keep a chuckle in to keep them in the illusion that you were still sleeping and hadn’t woken up before they had even started to turn their surprise plans into reality. “Perfect, got your presents ready, big guy?”, you heard your husband ask next while the tasty scent of the pancakes he must carry with him was beginning to fill the air more and more up. “Will Mommy like it?”, you heard your son mumble just before you heard Negan’s voice sounding through to you once again. “Of course she will, you made it. She’ll fucking love it” They shifted a little more over the floorboards until you heard Negan’s chuckle rumbling through his chest. “Ah wait, shit Buddy you still got some fucking pancake batter in your hair”, he mumbled, chuckling quietly once again as you heard their voices right before the door. You closed your eyes, pretending to be still asleep while trying your very best to keep the small grin and smile off your lips as you quietly leaned a little deeper into the soft pillows. “Alright, here you go”, you heard Negan say just before you could hear the door beginning to slowly open ,“ Now lets get inside, Bud.”
Softly you heard your son taping over the floor, followed by his dad’s heavy footsteps, before you could hear him climbing up the bed. Slowly, he began to shift over to you as you still tried to do your very best to look as asleep as you could until you felt your sons small hand placing on your arm. “Mommy, wake up”, you heard him quietly say as he stroke over your arm just before you opened your eyes and saw into his widely smiling face and the familiar hazel eyes. “Hey, Boo”, you said softly, your eyes wandering to his arms that were carrying his presents for you, struggling to keep all of them in his small embrace as your glance trailed over them. A self-drawn picture, a light pink rose of which Negan must’ve cut the thorns off earlier and a light blue package that was carrying your favorite body butter inside which the both of them must have secretly bought. “Happy Mother’s Day”, he said smiling, finally releasing his presents right next to you. “Aw thank you”, you said with a happy smile as you sat yourself a little up and opened your arms for him as he chuckled softly, “Come here.” Feeling him falling dashingly into your embrace as he hugged you, you wrapped your arms around his small body and finally saw Negan coming towards you, carrying a tablet with the pancakes and some hot steaming coffee. He had a mix of a big smile and a smirk planted across his face, his tongue slid slowly over his lower lip before he placed the tablet right next to you on the nightstand and leaned down to let his lips meet yours. Gently, his lips caressed yours as his beard stubble tickled you, his hand slightly cupping the side of your face before he let go. “Happy Mother’s Day, Sweetheart. You’re the fucking best”, he mumbled against your lips with another smile before backing slightly away as he sat himself next to you on the edge of the bed. “This is awesome, thank you both”, you said brightly smiling, feeling how your son moved slowly out of your embrace before he could sit himself up. Slowly, he leaned himself down until he could lay his head on your bump just like Negan had shown him and told him that his baby sister was for sure gonna feel when he was hugging your belly. Smiling you let your glance wander back to Negan as he looked smirking at you, his dark hair still a little tousled from the night just before he leaned in to you again and gave you another soft peck. “Got some other fucking present for tonight too”, you heard him mumble quietly but audibly grinning and with that wolfish tone of his into your ear before you left out a chuckle and shoved his chest playfully just to hear his throaty chuckle rumbling up his throat. “She kicked, Mommy!”, your son suddenly enthusiastically called out just as you could feel your daughter moving again. “Yeah, she’s excited too”, you chuckled, stroking softly over your son’s back as he looked abuzz at your belly just before you could hear Negan’s chuckle once again, followed by his deep voice. “Alright so you’re gonna try our kickass pancakes now, Baby?”
Negan and their Newborn let the Reader wake up to the sweetest sight possible
Darkness was still filling the room when coos and small cries woke you up and took you out of the sleep’s grasp. Still with your eyes closed you felt the lack of Negan’s arms around your body just as the cries hushed and you heard his deep voice sounding softly through the room. “You gonna sleep on Daddy’s chest now? Yeah, Buddy?”, Negan’s drowsy and through the sleep even raspier voice said as the mattress began to bend slightly. Within seconds you felt his warmth right next to you again, the sheets moved softly over your skin as Negan tucked himself and your son back in.
Slowly, your tired eyes fluttered open and caught him leaning into the pillows, the tiny body of your baby placed gently on his broad chest, the white fabric of the shirt smoothing against the little boy as Negan’s large hands held him softly and made him look even tinier. Negan’s slowly rising and falling chest dandled your son gently, his eyes closed while Negan’s darted lovingly in the faint light at him, a soft but big smile planting across his face.
Softly, Negan scratched his stubbly cheek and chin over your son’s head, the boy’s short and dark hairs entangling for small moments with Negan’s salt and pepper beard while the tiny lips curled slightly up. “My little Boo”, Negan cooed quietly, his deep and raspy voice filled with the love and deep affection of a proud father. His lips placed a soft kiss on your baby’s head while his voice had as always a soothing effect on him, the countless hours he had talked to him when he had still laid in your belly seeming to pay off.
Your lips curled into a sleepy but big smile, the sight of Negan with your son filling every inch of your body with a comforting warmth that overwhelmed any bit of exhaustion the last days had made you feel.
Your eyes wandered over your baby, over the tiny hands that curled around the puckered white fabric of his Dad’s shirt, the tiny nose, the tiny lips and the rosy cheeks. All before your eyes trailed up to Negan’s face, his dark hair tousled from the sleep, the eyes still dozy before you saw his glance wandering over at you, his eyes widening slightly as he found you awake. “Shit, didn’t wanna wake you up”, he quietly mumbled as his thumb stroke softly over your baby’s head, keeping him in the peaceful slumber he was beginning to fall into. “This is making up for it”, you half joked with the big smile on your lips as you still drowsily nodded to him and your child before you slowly shifted closer towards Negan. Negan’s arm lifted up for you as you huddled up against this side, carefully and cautiously to not wake your son up. Softly you laid your head into the nook of Negan’s shoulder, your face nuzzling into his warm neck while your hand placed gently on your son’s back.
The small body rose with every small breath he took beneath your and Negan’s hands, their touches seeming to let him sleep even deeper while you could feel Negan turning his head slightly until he could place a small kiss on your skin.
There really were no words needed in these moments, even Negan stayed silent as you both knew that this right there was everything you both had wished and waited so long for.
So no matter how out of reach this world made it seem at times, after all you three were the living proof that the kind of happiness that could make your heart burst for joy was still possible.
“Shh…it’s okay”, you quietly mumbled in the most soothing voice you could provide to the big man that laid sobbing in your arms, his face buried deeply into the curve of your neck while his hot tears dampened your shirt.
You didn’t have to think much to know that no one at the Sanctuary had ever seen the big bad wolf just as nearly emotional as now, that had just been left to you and no other person. But even to you this was new, even though you had thought you had already seen him in all kinds of possible states.
And so the urge to calm him down and comfort him grew with every second while you could feel the waves of pain that washed through your body with every sob and whimper you heard coming from him.
“Fuck…fucking shit fuck”, he half growled, half sobbed as he clung onto you, a trembling breath erupting his chest before you began to lean back into the bed, half dragging him with yourself to make the both of you lay down.
“Everything’s gonna be fine in the end, okay Negan? Everything’s gonna be okay”, you said, your hand reaching up to run your fingers soothingly through his hair just the way you knew he liked it while the sound of his cries and the feeling of the shivers that ran through his body let a thick lump grow in your throat.
Negan didn’t respond a thing, he just held you tighter in his arms to keep you as close as possible while your voice and touch seemed to finally begin to slowly calm him down.
Minutes later, his chest was still rising at a fast pace up and down, but gradually the sobs stopped and all what left his lips were small and shaky breaths. Slowly, you felt him moving his head a little until he could lean his forehead against your neck while you turned your face slightly to place a small kiss on his skin and let your fingers caress over his salt and pepper stubble.
“I don’t fucking know how to go on”, he shakily said, his favorite curse word pressing in a stronger manner out of his lips as if it would display his whole desperation. “Then we’ll find a way how. The most important thing is that you can. You can go on, I know that…and you know that you can count on me. No matter what”, you soothingly said, your fingers caressing now over his temple as another heavy breath shook his chest. “I don’t even deserve that, I don’t deserve you-” “Stop, you deserve me”, you cut him off, not even letting these thoughts settle down in his mind that were ghosting through it whenever the fears and regrets of his past mixed with new ones.
Slowly, Negan moved up, his usually strong body now still weakened before his glance met yours. Even in the faint light you could see the marks the tears had left on him, his eyes still slightly swollen, the dried ,and new and wet tears sticking to his skin while his usually carefully slicked back hair was now slightly tousled. His forehead began to lean against yours, his still unsteady breaths hitting your skin as you reached up to softly remove the last tears from his face and beard stubble.
“We’ll get through this, okay? Together”, you mumbled as your eyes met his just before you could see him nodding while his arms wrapped a little closer around you. “Okay”, his now croaky and raspy voice mumbled before he slowly leaned down until his still trembling lips could meet yours. Softly and displaying all the affection you felt for him, your lips began to caress over his as you could feel him sinking more into the kiss as if it was the solution to all of his problems.
And of course it wasn’t, that would be too easy and good to be true, but in some way the kiss was the beginning of the solution you both would achieve. Together.